To allow my DIL to leave and take my grandchildren?.

(44 Posts)
1944girl Sun 15-Jun-14 01:06:14

I am very unhappy at the moment.

I have already posted in the sweary thread on this subject because I was in a sweary situation at the time.
My DS2 and his wife decided to split up four days ago.They, and their two children, boy 13 and girl 11, live with me and DH.There is also DS's 17 year old daughter from his previous marriage here with us as well.
DIL said she would stay either at her mother's or a friend's until she could find other accommodation (from the council).Their two children were to stay with their dad here until then.She said she wished to do this, rather than my son to leave.
She left three days ago said she was going to a friend's.Then her mother phoned shouting and yelling down the phone demanding to know where her daughter had gone, I replied to her friend's but did not know where as she did not tell me.Her mother then asked where the children were, I replied here with their dad.She the screamed down the phone that she was coming round with her partner to remove the children from their awful father and her partner was going to bash my son up.I asked her what my son had done and she screamed ''You should b*** know and slammed the phone down.
The two children suddenly appeared carrying their night clothes and my DGD was crying, then I discovered that DIL was in fact at next door neighbours, my DS was no where to be seen.I ran into neighbours to find DIL in tears. To cut a long story short, neighbour had seen her running past in a distressed state, had taken her in and her mother had been contacted.She told me she had decided to go to her mother's and take the children with her as DS had shouted at her, this had occurred unknown to me.
By this time her mother had appeared in the street, still yelling her head off about my son, and her partner was hiding in his car.My DGD was crying and clinging to me her other grandmother continuing to shout and yell at them to get in the car.
DIL has now been given temporary accommodation with the children until a permanent place is found for them.They (the children) have visited us daily and seem happy. I have spoken to DIL on the phone, she is weepy but is still adamant about not coming back. My son is saying very little, I think deep down they are having second thoughts about splitting up.
The problem now is her mother.She has been causing loads of trouble and posting untrue stories on FB stating that my son has thrown his wife and children out on the street.I tried to correct her by stating that this is untrue, DIL took the decision to leave, the children were to remain here etc and it was her(DIL's mother) who demanded that the children were removed from their father- there was reason why father should not have them with him. She responded by calling me a bare faced liar, that DIL would not have left without the children and that my son has made them homeless.
I may now add that DS and his wife and children have lived with me since DGS was born, DH and I have provided childcare when needed and looked after them in school holidays. Her mother has never once offered any assistance or had them to stay.
Now her mother is getting worse.My other granddaughter, aged 17 with MH and addiction problems has to share a bedroom with her younger half sister.All of a sudden DIL's mother has said this is wrong, her DGD having to share a bedroom with a ''druggie'' blah blah.She has been spreading this all over FB and goodness knows where else and her FB friends of course are full of sympathy for her my son is now a social pariah and I am a liar who only cares about her ''druggie'' granddaughter and allows my son to throw out his wife and children on the street.Her latest stunt is sending my granddaughter abusive and threatening messages which has almost tipped her over the edge.One even contained a death wish.Now I have DIL's 22 year old cousin telling me via FB to stop upsetting her aunt, to leave her family alone and control my ''druggie'' granddaughter!.I now have blocked her completely from FB so she can rant on as much as she likes about me and not get my attention.
Wow sorry about this long rant. I am now feeling terrible about my DIL leaving with the children, thinking I should have asked my DS to leave instead.I was quite happy to have the children here with me until DIL got sorted as this is the only home they have known but that woman has completely messed things up with her behaviour.She has never offered her daughter a home since she married my son and now she is acting like a wounded saint. Some mothers do have them.











9

FabULouse Sun 15-Jun-14 01:10:40

I expect either your DIL or her raving mother quickly realised that she wouldn't get assisted accommodation without the children.

RhondaJean Sun 15-Jun-14 01:13:29

So why was your dil running down the street distressed and what had your son done?

I don't think either you or your counterpart are helping here.

1944girl Sun 15-Jun-14 01:15:49

I meant to say there is no reason why my son should not have care of his children. They both love him very much, DGD is a daddy's girl. He has never been cruel or unkind to them in any way.
DIL.s mother is driving me mad.I now feel like the cruelist person on this planet.
I have spoken to DIL about her mother's behaviour. She appears to be under her mother's thumb.

RhondaJean Sun 15-Jun-14 01:17:06

I don't think you are being honest with yourself here.

Why did Thr neighbour take your dil in?

ilovesooty Sun 15-Jun-14 01:26:11

What addiction problems does your older grand daughter have?

Jinsei Sun 15-Jun-14 01:26:42

It certainly seems like there is more to this story that we don't know. Why was your dil so distressed that the neighbour felt the need to take her in?

1944girl Sun 15-Jun-14 01:28:13

RhondaJean

My DIL was running down the street because my son had shouted at her about something.I had been unaware of this beforehand.She had appeared perfectly calm when she told me she was going.
I am doing all I can in a very difficult situation. To say I am not helping is only making me feel worse.I have gone out of my way for my son and his wife. I took his older daughter into my house as well because her mother was not coping with her.She has complex MH problems for which she is receiving treatment.
The day DIL left was also my seventieth birthday.
Stop saying I am not helping.My counterpart is certainly not, she has never given any assistance to her daughter. Now she is giving me abuse.

ilovesooty Sun 15-Jun-14 01:34:00

I'm wondering why your DIL was so distressed and what part your son had in this. It sounds really distressing for the children.

1944girl Sun 15-Jun-14 01:34:06

I am being as honest as I can.
Neighbour took my DIL into her house to settle her down as she did not want to see my son.
I am going to close this now as you all think I have done wrong, please I am doing my best.
I love them all
The social services are aware of the situation with my granddaughter.They offer no help.

RhondaJean Sun 15-Jun-14 01:35:29

I certainly don't mean to make you feel worse but your son has obviously done something to upset your dil and I don't think you are quit recognising that yet.

Also I'm afraid it's not up to you to decide to "let" your dil go, or your fc either.

You really really need to step back, both for your own sake from what you have just posted, and for theirs.

If you are getting abuse from your counterpart contact the police.

Any support you offer your older grandchild is unrelated to this situation.

OldLadyKnowsSomething Sun 15-Jun-14 01:37:50

I think op is taking a bit of a bashing here.

Am I right in thinking you have has ds, his dw, and their two dc under your roof for at least 13 years, plus ds' dd from an earlier relationship for however long? And it's only now blown up in your face? Can I ask if you're from a culture where multi-generational cohabiting is usual?

Sounds like you're caught up in an emotional drama not of your making.

ilovesooty Sun 15-Jun-14 01:42:13

I think it all sounds very complex and difficult to understand if you're not living it. Very upsetting for all involved.

1944girl Sun 15-Jun-14 01:47:49

ilovesooty

My son and his wife had a serious row. They have not been getting along together for some time. He has been unemployed for four years she works part time.Cannot possibly afford a house. DH and I have subsided them for ages, everything came to a head last week.
The children were distressed to start with but are happy now.Accomodation is clean and spacious.They are visiting their dad and us daily.
This is a very upsetting time for all of us.
Not helped by her raving mother who seems to care about no one but herself. She even refused to take DIL and the children to her house the first night, they had to go to her other daughter's house.
That is the truth so far, I am being as honest as I can be.
,

aderynlas Sun 15-Jun-14 01:49:06

So sorry this is all happening op. Hope your family find a way through this sad situation.

Fideliney Sun 15-Jun-14 01:51:44

You can't NOT allow a grown woman to leave though.

So what can you be criticized for?

Can you not take a step back and refuse to be drawn in to it all?

ilovesooty Sun 15-Jun-14 01:55:53

It sounds as though you're trying your best to provide a stable home but the situation has placed unsustainable strain on their relationship. I hope things come to a calmer solution.

1944girl Sun 15-Jun-14 01:58:03

Oldladyknowssomething

Thankyou I do not come from a culture as you described.I am white British.
I took in my son and his then pregnant wife as they were unable to get a house and could not afford one. We dh and I thought it would be temporary but they stayed and had another child.
Then DS'S first wife brought their daughter here as she thought it was time her father had responsibility for her as she had had enough.

MiscellaneousAssortment Sun 15-Jun-14 02:01:11

Wow, it sounds like a mess. There appear to be multiple issues going on with different family members and some strong family dynamics at work.

But your posts have a strange gap about your son and his wife. I don't quite get what's going on and I wonder why there is nothing written about it. I suspect this is the core of it and everything else is peripheral. The other grand mother sounds hideous and you should just ignore, but feels very much like a side issue and needs starving of the attention that feeds it.

People don't generally run down the road hysterical in night clothes unless there is something truly awful happening. I would be more worried about that than Facebook rubbish.

You don't say what your attitude is to your dil, or to the breakup, which makes me wonder if all is not well between you and her?

It must be hard to give the couple enough space and independence to have their own relationship.

1944girl Sun 15-Jun-14 02:01:31

Thanks for your concern and replies all of you.

I must go to bed now as eyes are closing.

Tomorrow is another day children are visiting.

Thanks for listening I feel better now.

OldLadyKnowsSomething Sun 15-Jun-14 02:08:28

OK, I understand. You've bent over backwards for years (from your pov) and "things" have evolved, I totally understand that; my situ in no way comparable but I have a dil (and, frankly, ds, her dp) who took, and took, and took, until suddenly I wasn't needed any more, and we are now NC. She and ds moved out, eventually, and are still together, so again not the same, but by god you have my sympathy.

I'm not sure there's anything I can add to that, but I do feel for you. flowers

1944girl Sun 15-Jun-14 02:08:44

My DIL was not running down the road in nightclothes she was fully dressed in outdoor clothing.
My son has told me their problems are lack of money based.He is trying to get employment. Trouble is he is a photographer formally self employed but rising rent and rates of premises took its toll.
I know facebook is rubbish but I use it to keep in touch with friends and family and special interest groups.
I have blocked the offender now.

I am a genuine poster.

Fideliney Sun 15-Jun-14 02:12:37

I believe you're genuine 1944. I'm sure everyone does.

Maybe it is one of those situations where the dust needs to settle? It sounds as though it has all been extremely stressful.

RhondaJean Sun 15-Jun-14 02:13:53

I completely believe you are genuine.

I think you have gone above and beyond what can be expected as well.

OldLadyKnowsSomething Sun 15-Jun-14 02:22:32

I recognise Op's name, and also believe she's genuine.

I also think problems like this will increase in future, as "older people" have no option but to allow their adult dc to stay "at home" for much longer than my generation did (left home at 17 in 1979) and when those dc decide to pair up and have babies, what do the "older people", with their larger homes, mortgages paid off, do? Chuck their dc and dgc into the streets? Or try and make it work?

And if the dc's relationship breaks down, as is all too common and has happened here, what do those "older people" do; watch their dgc sofasurf with the parent who has left (could be either mum or dad) or try to keep some sort of consistency and continuity (schools, nearby friends etc) for the dgc in a time of turmoil?

The "bedroom tax" has a lot to answer for. angry

OP, I hope you're sleeping, or if still reading, at least feel a little calmer.

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