To think bf's ex is being a bit unreasonable about this?

(61 Posts)
extremepie Sat 14-Jun-14 12:01:52

Ok so I am probably biased a bit but it's starting to annoy me!

Bf's (let's call him Y) ex is one of those people who plasters every little detail all over FB (which annoys me anyway) but particularly with reference to Y's son. She has a new boyfriend, fine no problem with that and obviously she is keen to build a relationship between her son and her new partner - again, fine.

What annoys me though is how it's all 'my boys doing xx' together and 'my little family' and '(son) and (boyfriend) spending quality time together' etc. Its as if she's forgotten that Y is actually his father and not her new boyfriend! The most recent reminder of this was when we took him to soft play on one of Y's days to have him - he didn't seem particularly happy about the idea, refused to eat his lunch and then wanted to go home after about an hour, Y went to phone his ex to say that son wanted to go home and when he got back to said he was taking him home. Speaking to him later he said that his son had told him he doesn't want him to be his dad anymore he wants (new boyfriend) to be his dad sad

Aibu in thinking that this is really sad and partly is down to his ex getting her new boyfriend to 'play daddy' to her son?

She seems to be spending all her time and effort on nurturing the relationship between her new boyfriend and her son and only encourages the relationship between her son and his actual father (Y) when it's convenient for her or when she wants someone else to look after her son so she can spend time alone with her boyfriend!

Aibu to think that it's pretty disrespectful to be posting 'happy family' stuff all over FB where all Y's family and friends can see it - and so soon after ending with with Y!

She broke up with Y in January, starting things with new boyfriend straight away and they started living together straight away too - new boyfriend is technically still married too yet by now they are engaged!

Aibu to think she should be encouraging her son to remember that he has a father and to work on their relationship more?

charliexcy Sat 14-Jun-14 12:07:41

Yanbu this is very sad for the child as well as your bf. Imagine how confusing it will be for this little boy. The way she is behaving is not on and although she may be happy in her new relationship, there is a child involved and she seems to have involved this man too much, putting him in the 'daddy' role after a very short time. Sounds like she's trying to replace the family unit that didn't work without any consideration for others.

WallyBantersJunkBox Sat 14-Jun-14 12:08:24

I might have delayed introducing my DS to another partner before knowing how it would work out, incase we split up.

By BF do you mean boyfriend or best friend?

If it's the former:

Would she be annoyed if you posted family stuff on your FB wall with your BF DS?

Why is it ok for you to go to soft play and lunch with him and not her new partner? If they have only been together since Jan the same, or even less would apply to you wouldn't it?

WorraLiberty Sat 14-Jun-14 12:09:20

I can see how it's a bit annoying, but it really isn't her place to encourage her son to remember his Father or to work on his relationship with him.

That is down to your DP to nurture his own relationship with his son.

Many people write stupid stuff on FB though, so I wouldn't even bother looking at her page.

LondonForTheWeekend Sat 14-Jun-14 12:10:18

when we took him to soft play on one of Y's days to have him - he didn't seem particularly happy about the idea, refused to eat his lunch and then wanted to go home after about an hour, Y went to phone his ex to say that son wanted to go home and when he got back to said he was taking him home.

My take on that is "Excuses Excuses". It is so so much easier to blame the ex, than for your bf to make the effort to be a really good Dad. If you are still goin to soft play guess your DSS is about 4. I think taking him home was pretty pathetic tbf, and you bf's choice. He just doesn't sound arsed about being a parent, certainly not the tough bits.

hippo123 Sat 14-Jun-14 12:13:02

Why are you, y, or y's family 'friends' with his ex on fb? Yes things do seem to be moving quite quickly in her new relationship but there's not a lot anyone can do about that. Your dp should be putting his energy in building up a good relationship with his ds and finding activity he wants to do,

macdoodle Sat 14-Jun-14 12:14:17

Maybe your boyfriend needs to make an effort it's not her problem your BF can't be arses. Maybe the little boy wanted his father to interact with him rather than you and he dump him at soft play. Butt out.

He just doesn't sound arsed about being a parent, certainly not the tough bits.

That's a little harsh.

Maybe on your next contact time ask what the Dc wants to do? Does your bf have contact when DC is with their mum? If so maybe they could 'plan' what they are going to do?

littledrummergirl Sat 14-Jun-14 12:18:58

It is not his exs job to build his relationship with his son. That responsibility is all ys.

It was very brave of the dc to speak to y, I think he was looking for reassurance and confirmation that it is ok to care about more people.

Y made a poor choice and by not caring enough to probe gently and reassure his dc, he has potentially pushed himself away from his dc.

Y has a lot of work ahead of him to repair the damage he has caused. Of course it will be easier for him to just keep blaming his ex.

WorraLiberty Sat 14-Jun-14 12:21:06

Surely he could have encouraged his son to stay by distracting him and/or playing with him so he had a more enjoyable time?

Remember, his parents only split up 5 months ago and already he has a stranger living in his home, and his Dad's girlfriend coming along on his contact day.

No much 1 on 1 parent time going on here for the little boy. No wonder he's fed up.

ScarlettlovesRhett Sat 14-Jun-14 12:32:53

I agree with Worra. This little boy's mum and dad split up less than 6 months ago and he already has a 'new dad' and his actual dad has a new girlfriend that is there, sharing his dad with him.

When does he get to have his mum and dad to himself, instead having to get on with being part of 2 new 'families'.

'Y' should be making more of an effort to keep a good relationship, and not giving up at the first sniff of difficulty, and the mother should not be forcing 'happy families' with a new dad so soon after family break up. Both as bad as each other imo.

Hissy Sat 14-Jun-14 12:38:09

Is this man your boyfriend?

Cos you clearly didn't hang around getting involved with him either, if that's the case.

You shouldn't be FB friends with this woman, and should not snoop either. It's frankly not your business.

If this is a gf/bf situation, you shouldn't be tagging along on his access time either.

I see 4 adults and one poor little kid in the middle, but not one adult thinking of anyone else but themselves.

fifi669 Sat 14-Jun-14 12:54:56

Ex shouldn't have moved someone in so soon. It sounds like she has recreated a family since the split and hasn't thought about the consequences on DC should she split from her new partner. She should be encouraging a relationship with Y as it's in the best interest of her child. If Y is a shite dad that would change things.

Having said that, you are also a new addition to the dynamic. I agree that one on one time would be best for the moment if he doesn't see much of DC. Though if he has them several times a week, maybe some with and some without you.

How old is the DC? I wonder if they feel Y has left them (regardless of who caused the split) and is angry?

rinabean Sat 14-Jun-14 13:11:43

You're such a hypocrite! Why were you at the soft play if you believe what you're saying? Which is it - new partners are part of the family and the boy should have a chance to have a good relationship with them, or new partners should be secret and the boy shouldn't meet them? Seeing as the new man lives with him and the new woman doesn't, if there should be any disparity it should be towards him.

Is this actually about your doubts, knowing your new partner doesn't make an effort with his children and just whinges about their mothers? I'm sympathetic to that but if you're just being a hypocrite YABU

Butterflyspring Sat 14-Jun-14 13:16:40

why are you even looking at her facebook anyway?

deakymom Sat 14-Jun-14 13:17:56

doesn't bf= best friend?

PatriciaHolm Sat 14-Jun-14 13:32:13

I feel very sorry for the little boy. He has so much going on around him, he needs stable 1-1 time with each parent, assuring him that they still love him.

What he has is his parents introducing 2 new partners way too quickly, a mother who is pushing her boyfriend way too hard into the family and a Dad who has already introduced his new partner and who bails when the parenting gets a bit too hard. He shouldn't be calling her to give his son back simply because he's a bit grumpy.

The mums partner should back off,yes, but so should you.

extremepie Sat 14-Jun-14 19:38:46

I'm not saying that her new boyfriend should never spend any time with him far from it! What bothers me is the pictures on fb with the captions 'my 2 fave boys' and 'our family holiday' etc as if her new boyfriend is the dad!

In this case Y does mean boyfriend, I only got together with him as a couple March/April time but we have been best friends since last May so his son does know me and I haven't been introduced as 'daddy's new girlfriend' yet I am simply 'extremepie' to him. Me, Y, his ex, his son and my boys have all been on days out together before they spilt so he was even introduced to my kids long before me & Y started going out! Consequently we are 'friends' on fb but not close, she posts a lot of stuff so it's constantly coming up on my page. New bf moved from a different part of the country so Y's son had never met or spoken to him before and within a month he was living in the house :/

Y does make an effort with his son! He has him every other weekend, frequently has him extra days if there is an event that they want to do together, he even changed his work schedule so that he had weekends off so he could spend the whole days with him rather than having to drop him off early on the days he worked.

Y's sons behaviour has been a bit off lately (for totally understandable reasons), it was her that said he should take him home - Y was happy to keep him longer and stay at soft play or do something else but she said no just bring him home!

Y's son is 5 and the day he was at soft play was an inset day smile

To be fair, no it isn't his Ex's responsibility to cultivate a relationship between them but it's just that she IS trying really hard with someone who isn't his dad but not with the person who actually is his dad. That's what annoys me. She is also quite grabby, she expected Y to buy her a Mother's Day present but is not buying a Father's Day present for Y (small detail really but I'm pretty sure she will get one for her new boyfriend!)

I know it's a complex situation but I just felt so bad for Y when he told me, the look on his face was heartbreaking sad

extremepie Sat 14-Jun-14 19:44:14

Also Wally, I don't post any family stuff with Y on my fb, partly because I don't want my boys seeing him in that role yet as it's too soon IMO but also because I feel it would be disrespectful to my Ex to see that all over my FB smile Not sure if it actually IS disrespectful but I would just feel uncomfortable doing it so soon :/

fedupbutfine Sat 14-Jun-14 19:48:02

oh right...it's OK for your boyfriend to introduce you to his child but it's not OK for his ex to introduce the same child to her boyfriend?

and why on earth are you all Facebook friends? People who have ended their romantic relationships tend to 'unfriend' one another. My ex, his family and all the friends that I know of - including current girlfriend -are all blocked. We're not in a relationship anymore. He needs to know nothing at all about my life.

and the last thing you do with a young child who is reluctant about contact is to send him home. You deal with it and you make the child realise he has two homes and that he's able to trust both his parents to be able to parent him effectively, not allow him to play one off against the other. Unfortunately, he now knows his father will pass him back to his mother if he moans a bit. He's able to manipulate as sees fit - this is not his mum's fault, no matter how hard you try and make it that way.

You need to back off in the first instance and then look a bit closer to home before criticising someone who is doing nothing different to what the ex is doing.

WallyBantersJunkBox Sat 14-Jun-14 19:51:20

But sadly some people know no boundaries, what is unacceptable to you is normal to her.

If I were you i would just block her from FB as it's going to be a huge wind up. I imagine if lots of people on there know the situation they'll all be a bit hmm

Your BF just needs to involve himself in his relationship with his DS and ignore all the noise that is being created. Unless his DS is at risk it's really none of his business, regardless of how unhappy he might be feeling.

And you live and learn - if I was him I certainly wouldn't be buying any Mother's Day presents for her...but then I never really see the point of them myself - what's wrong with a home made card and a lie-in? confused

ScarlettlovesRhett Sat 14-Jun-14 19:53:51

I just find it surprising that all parties have moved onto such familiarity so quickly tbh.

As a pp said, 4 adults putting their own needs/wants ahead of that of a 5 yr old child. The poor boy's parents split up less than 6 months ago, no wonder he's confused.

needaholidaynow Sat 14-Jun-14 19:55:55

I agree, he just needs to ignore ignore ignore. His DS knows who his dad is and he just needs to keep their relationship strong.

GatoradeMeBitch Sat 14-Jun-14 21:30:12

DS used to say he wanted my best friend to be his Mum, and at one point, an auditionee on Pop Idol...

His Mum's boyfriend is probably making a lot of effort to be fun and build a relationship so he'll seem more exciting. Just ride it out, he'll stop eventually. The worst thing he can do is back off. My dad did that, he stepped out of the picture when Mum remarried, and I was never able to reconnect with him again.

Kids say hurtful things from time to time, he should just ignore and concentrate on his own relationship with his son. Encourage him to do interesting things with his son so they can build fun memories together.

GatoradeMeBitch Sat 14-Jun-14 21:31:10

* When I say he'll stop eventually, I mean the child!

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