aibu to tell DM she is not welcome on our next holiday

(31 Posts)
madbutnormal Sat 14-Jun-14 09:00:12

DM is toxic but that's another thread. Planning to take the kids away in October. There is no way I want her to come. After our last day out I said never again! She moaned,screamed and shouted abuse the whole day,it was a nightmare.
I did think of her coming and having her own room or apartment but she wants to share with me and kids. I am a sp after dh died and my df is also dead so she is on her own. All of m
y siblings are overseas or at other end of country. She has no friends but I have tried to GT her to join clubs or introduce her people but she is just so miserable
How do I tell her she is not coming without her kicking off

Rideronthestorm Sat 14-Jun-14 09:01:50

Tell her quickly. She's going to kick of whatever you say. Tell her then leave.

thebodylovesspring Sat 14-Jun-14 09:02:38

Don't tell her you are going. Or if that's impossible day you have been invited to go with friends. Lie.

MozzchopsThirty Sat 14-Jun-14 09:05:05

YANBU

I have had to go NC this year as I just couldn't take anymore

You must think of your dcs and protect them and yourself.
You are all the priority and she is not

This is what I try to remember when the guilt kicks in
You wouldn't accept that behaviour from a friend so why should you accept it from your mother??

ChasedByBees Sat 14-Jun-14 09:07:06

Of course you're not being unreasonable. But you need to deal with it quickly.

eddielizzard Sat 14-Jun-14 09:10:53

she will kick off but hold firm. you need to have time alone with your kids, as a family, free of drama.

stay firm if not for you, but to give your kids a great time.

what do they think of her crap?

madbutnormal Sat 14-Jun-14 09:19:40

Wow that was fast. D's year six hates her. She has begun to question my toddler about my movements. I need a good excuse for her not to come,even thought of asking dsister if she will go away with her

Bathsheba Sat 14-Jun-14 09:21:54

Why do you need to ll her she isn't invited. Book the holiday without her, go on the holiday without her...

If she is so toxic I don't understand why you would be having regular conversations with her that would lead her to think that she IS going on holiday with you....

And if she ever thinks that she is, then you can simply say ..."Well after the way the weekend at Bognor went..." and just leave the sentence to tail off...

AnotherSpinningFuckingRainbow Sat 14-Jun-14 09:23:03

Just don't buy a ticket, don't tell her you're going, avoid all mention of it. Shortly before you leave, mention you're off to visit an old school friend for a few days, and you'll see her when you get back. I feel sorry for you but you do need to not give her any way in.

ImperialBlether Sat 14-Jun-14 09:55:06

How often do you see her? It seems as though you are telling her far too much about your life. I wouldn't have told her about the holiday until the day before, if not the day after - why did you tell her knowing she'd want to come and that she would ruin it?

It sounds as though you have to accept that you don't have a normal relationship with your mum, so you can't do normal things like chatting about a future holiday.

You should cut the contact right down. What do you think she would do if you did that? Oh and cancel that holiday if there's any chance of her coming - it won't be a holiday and you will all resent her and feel done out of a real holiday.

Jelliebabe2 Sat 14-Jun-14 10:02:30

Just book a holiday and if she finds out Yik have to tell her it's your siblings turn to have her! Fairs fair! Can you ask one of them to invite her to stay? That's not unreasonable no matter where they live

Trollsworth Sat 14-Jun-14 10:08:23

You don't need a good excuse. You don't even need to tell her. You are so lost in FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) that all you can think of is how SHE feels abut things. But how do YOU feel about it? Your feelings are ok. You are allowed to arrange your life according to your feelings, not hers.

Unless you owe her money, you don't owe her anything. Even if you owe her money, that is all you owe her. You do not owe her a holiday.

rookiemater Sat 14-Jun-14 10:08:56

Agree with others - why tell her you are going on holiday. It's not automatic that she gets invited and she's not exactly a pleasant addition is she?

Why do you need to tell her anything?

If you haven't already - take a look at the Stately Homes thread in Relationships.

madbutnormal Sat 14-Jun-14 10:15:03

Even one is right. Going to book it and tell her a day or so before. Its a small community see each other most days

RaptorInaPorkPieHat Sat 14-Jun-14 10:16:01

Don't lie, it'll only come back to bite you in the bum later (especially if she's questioning your children about your movements).

I'd book it, and not tell her until just before you go. If she asks why, just say you want a holiday with just you and the kids....... you are an adult, you are allowed to have time away without her.

Do not give her details re: hotel or you may find she turns up.

ladymariner Sat 14-Jun-14 10:17:46

I wouldst book it and tell her straightaway, you don't have to take her, and if she goes she will spoil special time with your children.....you sound as if you have been very tolerant up till now but enough is enough. Good luck.

noneofyours Sat 14-Jun-14 10:22:13

DM is toxic Aibu to tell her she isn't coming on holiday....

That's not another thread, that's the answer to your AIBU. No YANBU, she's toxic. TBH even if she wasn't, no one has a standng invite unless you issue it. Don't put yourself through it, don't put your kids through it.

Why do you have to tell her? Does she have a standing invite? Just book yourself somewhere you guys want to go that sleeps just you and the kids and when you see her- which i hope isn't much if she's toxic- then mention your holiday dates. If she says 'what about me' tell her there's lots of lovely places she could go, just look online.

noneofyours Sat 14-Jun-14 10:23:29

Damn, just seen it's a small community- just try distancing emotionally if possible. Glad you aren't going to take her.

Kundry Sat 14-Jun-14 10:30:31

YANBU but however you do it she will kick off. I'd just book it and then stick to the line 'We wanted something for just the x of us' and repeat it like a broken record. Don't give her any details of the hotel/ town etc - just 'We are going to the West Country' or somewhere similarly vague.

Excuses just provide a challenge for her to negotiate and try to emotionally blackmail you. A no is enough.

Nanny0gg Sat 14-Jun-14 10:38:17

Not entirely sure why you have anything to do with her at all to be honest.

Just book and don't tell anyone (including the DC!) till the day you go.

WooWooOwl Sat 14-Jun-14 10:55:34

You don't need an excuse. It sounds like even if you came up with what sounds like a good excuse she'd still be unhappy and unreasonable about it.

Be firm and tell her that you've made the decision and that's that. You don't need to justify it. The fact that you just don't want her there is enough.

Delphiniumsblue Sat 14-Jun-14 11:00:19

I agree-don't tell her in advance. Book it and go.

zoemaguire Sat 14-Jun-14 11:03:37

I don't have a toxic mother and I still wouldn't invite her to come on holiday with us! Just book and go.

Kundry Sat 14-Jun-14 11:20:50

What zoe said. In spades.

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