I need to know if IABU with regards to comments from EX

(148 Posts)
ICanHearYou Thu 12-Jun-14 14:20:23

So my husband moved out three weeks ago, well he actually sofa surfed and he was here a lot for the first week but he has been properly moved out since then and seeing the children 3 nights a week, usually staying over 2 or 3 when I am working.

The thing is he has been REALLY annoying/upsetting me this last week with little comments and things he has said.

One of the problems in our marriage is that he has always maintained that I am not a beautiful person and will never be beautiful, I have piled on a lot of weight and since he left I have been trying to cut back on the calories (not comfort eating has helped) and just focus on being healthier.

So I have been having slimfast shakes for breakfast and lunch and then a huge salad with 4 cherry tom, a good handful of lettuce, cucumber and sprouted lentils and peppers and so on with a bit of salad dressing and a chicken breast grilled for dinner.

On Monday he looked at the bowl of salad I was eating and said that it was 'too much food' and gave me this really disapproving look, he then came back and said that it was 'too expensive' for me to eat a different meal to the kids (I had fed him and a friend as well). I didn't really know what to say to him so I just carried on eating my ONE MEAL of the day but it did make me feel like shit.

I don't know if this is BU or not because though it did make me feel like shit it might not have been meant to?

Anyway I have also being taking a bit more pride in my appearance, I bought a nice dress and put a bit of eyeliner on and when he saw me he said

'Hey did you see that myth busters where they proved that you can actually polish a turd' and started talking about it. I didn't really know what to say so didn't really meet his eye and I have asked him not to come around until Friday when he is watching the kids but I am actually a bit peeved at him.

If I mention it he will brush it off as that he 'didn't mean that' and perhaps he didn't but I wanted to know how other people would react?

He also got annoyed when I picked him up briefly to help me take the kids to the doctors (emergency appointment) and then into Tesco to get some antihistamine and though looking back I think I could probably had done it on my own, it was much easier having two adults there to run in and leave the kids in the car than cart them round tesco at 7pm so close to their bedtimes.

So he seems really annoyed with me and he has really been annoying me but I do want to make sure I am reasonable in being annoyed and not just blowing things out of proportion. I have had 10 years of him making snarky little comments like that about my weight and looks and then putting it down to him being 'clumsey' when I point out how he has made me feel.

He make a huge mess in the house, by 'moved out' he feels he can come and eat dinner here but will not tidy up and he bathed the children on Monday but left the water in the bath, dirty nappies all over the floor and their clothes everywhere so I feel like I get the shit jobs whereas he gets the nice spending time with the kids jobs.

So is he BU or am I? How should I approach it?

Fideliney Thu 12-Jun-14 14:24:04

He's a shit. You need to stop the need for him to be in your home ASAP. Set up an email address specifically for child related communications. Change your locks and get on with your life. There is no need to speak to him. He is poison.

Good luck flowers

ICanSeeTheSun Thu 12-Jun-14 14:25:02

Stop having contact in your house. Do the hand over at the door.

Do not invite him in, do not make dinner ect for him.

YABU for allowing him to come and go as he pleases while making you feel an inch high.
He sounds a right cunt.

DenzelWashington Thu 12-Jun-14 14:28:16

If I mention it he will brush it off as that he 'didn't mean that' and perhaps he didn't but I wanted to know how other people would react?

There is no way, and I mean absolutely no way that making that reference to 'polishing a turd' is anything other than a really nasty insult. Be in no doubt about that. He is contemptuous of you and very cruel. That said, I think you were right to ignore him rather than give him a reaction.

I wonder if he sees you looking nice and feeling better and is just desperate to bring you down again?

I agree with other posters-keep him at arm's length and definitely out of your home.

JDD Thu 12-Jun-14 14:29:03

I agree that she shouldn't be using your home. He needs an appropriate home that the DC can stay in. You won't be able to move on like this.

He sounds like a bulky. YANBU at all.

ICanHearYou Thu 12-Jun-14 14:29:21

Well he has to come here while I work but he doesn't have to be here the rest of the time IFSWIM, he just has one room in a shared house so any contact time with the children is here.

I have started taking control though and asking him not to come round some days. It is good for the children that he can see them in their own space though.

JDD Thu 12-Jun-14 14:29:37

Bully, not bulky

ICanHearYou Thu 12-Jun-14 14:30:40

Thank you everyone, I know if I brought this up with him he would tell me I was BU and he didn't mean it like that.

I saw it for what it really was though, I saw him look at me doing something positive for myself and then try and 'surreptitiously' insult me for it.

ICanHearYou Thu 12-Jun-14 14:31:01

Its put a whole new spin on the last 10 years.

When my ex was a pain I would think, "thankfully, you are not my problem any more". Feel free to say it out loud to him if you need to. He is sabotaging.

NewNameForSpring Thu 12-Jun-14 14:32:29

I agree - he has to see the kids somewhere else. He has put you down for so long, you can barely see it. He is being really horrible to you.

Now you have split up, this is the time for the real you to emerge, away from his horrible damaging comments. But by allowing him such access to your house and cooking him dinner wtf, you are not actually escaping from him.

What can you do to change the situation? when will he have somewhere to live?

Inertia Thu 12-Jun-14 14:32:44

The only thing you can do is to stop allowing him into the house- he's moved out , he doesn't live there. Contact with the children should be where he lives. Is there any way you can get any other child care for when you work? You certainly shouldn't be feeding him!

He's acting like this because he sees it as his property to shit all over. He sees you in much the same way. And he's a nasty abusive piece of work.

Inertia Thu 12-Jun-14 14:33:50

You shouldn't have to ask him not to come round. He shouldn't be there full stop- he doesn't live there anymore.

artic Thu 12-Jun-14 14:35:49

he can see you coping , looking better , not needing him , so hes trying to knock you down , dont make him dinner or let him sleep over anymore , he is a bully .

RedTractorBlueTractor Thu 12-Jun-14 14:36:23

My DPs ex wife used to do this to him all the time. Not about his weight but other stuff. When he did confront her about it she used to throw out the old sticks and stones line and imply that it was all in his head and there is no way that a man would take anything to heart!

Exs are exs for a reason. Please make sure yours stays an ex.

There is a reason that McDonald's and Legoland are full of dads with their kids. It's because the mums have clear boundaries and don't allow their exes free reign in the mums' houses. Take a page from their book OP. It's your house, he's your ex, he has no right to be there and he doesn't belong there.

Trooperslane Thu 12-Jun-14 14:41:34

Well done breaking up with him op.

He doesn't deserve you and I'm sorry you had to deal with him for so long.

Nasty man.

thanksthanksthanks And winewinewine for you. X

Amilionmilesaway Thu 12-Jun-14 14:42:36


what a complete idiot he is.

He's watching you, moving on, taking pride in your appearance and wondering why you're not a sobbing mess without him. Imagine his face if your next partner was a 6ft 6 bronzed love god.

ICanHearYou Thu 12-Jun-14 14:42:59

I work from 4-1am on Fridays and 6-1am on Saturdays so it is important for me that he is there on those nights, I need him to mind the children in the mornings so that I can recover from work, perhaps in a few months I will find a day job that fits in around the children but they are like hens teeth and this job means I get plenty of time to study and clean while they are at nursery and then I can work while he spends time with them.

I need to separate myself from him that is certain.

Unfortunately the child care is what it is at the moment. Maybe in the future it will change.

Oh dear he is an inadequate little sod isn't he? Keep up the good work Ican, you've dropped one load of weight already, I'm wishing you all the luck in the world for losing the rest happily and healthily.

bibliomania Thu 12-Jun-14 14:45:19

You should thank him.

For making it so crystal clear that you did totally the right thing in dumping him. He's vile.

There is absolutely no point bringing it up with him and trying to get him to see that he's being horrible. He'll never admit it. Don't waste your breath.

I agree with pp that he shouldn't be coming to your house any more and you definitely shouldn't be feeding him. He doesn't deserve any of your niceness, so it's time to stop it.

ICanHearYou Thu 12-Jun-14 14:45:28

I am absolutely 100% NOT getting back together with him, he is terrible in bed and won't listen to anything when I suggest what I like from him etc, this resulted in him sexually assaulting me and then continuing to have sex with me despite him KNOWING that I didn't want him to do what he did and KNOWING that I wasn't up for having sex with him afterwards. I tried to talk to him about what I preferred in the sack and he basically got really selfish and sulky, repeatedly saying 'Sorry ICan' over and over again, repeating my name like that and refusing to acknowledge what I was saying and I knew then it was over. Its been going on for a while and his attitude towards me and towards sex has totally broken me. I can see that now and there is absolutely no way in hell he is going to get the chance to break me again.

Notmadeofrib Thu 12-Jun-14 14:45:54

but I am actually a bit peeved at him.

Good OP because you are bloody right to feel peeved. One day when you've rebalanced your opinion of what is acceptable (people like him put it out of whack), you will realise he is a nasty nasty person.

BTW, being healthy is a great gift to your kids, you sound like you're moving everything in the right direction.

Good luck to you.x

ICanHearYou Thu 12-Jun-14 14:46:46

I agree bib and I did at the time, I sort of wanted to tell someone though so have posted on here, I usually meet my girlfriends for lunch on Wednesdays and Thursdays but one is on holiday and ones just had a baby so haven't got the chance to get anyone elses opinion.

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