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AIBU?

Friends child

48 replies

Nonameyet79 · 11/06/2014 18:36

Yes I'm new and I get that this is a weird place to start. I needed somewhere new that this wouldn't be recognised.

One of my closest friends has a child the same age as my youngest. She is completely unable to handle him. He kicks, screams, bites and is just generally mean. He usually doesn't act violently to my son but is very mean to him. Blocks his pathway if he's walking, takes his toys and tells him he's crap or not allowed to do things. Today he pulled a small step from under my DS and only I caught him he'd have fallen on the tiled floor on his face. He follows ds around if he's on his bike or scooter and bumps into him just because he knows this upsets DS. He looks for things that upset DS and dies them over and over and over and over.

My friend tries her best, her husband is an "armchair" dad and does nothing to help her with him. I have a ball of stress in my tummy from this boy. He's only 3!! I literally dread seeing them coming because I can't deal with him anymore. I love my friend to pieces but I love my little man more and hate listening to him when he's being picked on yet again. I can't keep making excuses for them not to come here. They've been friends since they were small and this is going on around 6 months.

My friend is very sensitive and I don't know how to sort this without offending her :(

OP posts:

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Whatisaweekend · 11/06/2014 18:44

Happens all the time. How about the dad's babysit and you see your friend, just the two of you? You can dress it up as needing a break and some adult time. Give it a few months and you will possibly see him grown out of the "nasty"stage. Because it is just that - only a stage. The boy will probably grow up to be a lovely lad and you will look back on this stage with a face like this ---

Unexpected · 11/06/2014 19:01

Agree with the other poster that you need to try and see her on her own for some adult time. Otherwise, you may need to say that you have to limit visits between the boys for the moment as the boys don't seem to be getting on and your ds is getting upset. That way, you are not pointing the finger at her son but hopefully get yourself some breathing space from the boy.

You may have to choose between offending your friend and looking after your son in this instance.

Delphiniumsblue · 11/06/2014 19:08

I had a friend like that. We started with meeting at the park with plenty of space but even that wasn't terribly successful. We then met without the children. I think that you should meet in the evenings after they are in bed and get babysitters.

NewNameForSpring · 11/06/2014 19:09

If you really like your friend then hopefully some adult time would be a nice thing to do. Hopefully this is a phase but it sounds really horrible for your poor son and I think it is your duty not to put him in this situation. AFter all, he is only three too.

myitchybeaver · 11/06/2014 19:12

Children bring new friends in your life but sadly ruins some friendships. Some people have horrible children or are unable to parent their kids properly and the rage builds inside and ruins your relationship

I have no advice just sympathy.

Nonameyet79 · 11/06/2014 20:39

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. Meeting in the evenings is not an option, we are both sahm's and have older children with activities and dinners and bed times etc. her husband WILL NOT do this sort of thing. Believes it's women's work. She maintains that's fine. I'm really her only outlet during the day. I have started suggesting going off out to the playground, but it's a drive away and her son spends the entire journey taunting my little man who then cries the entire journey.
I think it might be worth the 15 mins each way to not have to put up with him here. He is getting to the stage of it being dangerous.

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LucieLucie · 11/06/2014 21:32

She is being a wet parent with no boundaries. I can't stand parents like her, passive and ineffective.

You need to put your ds first here and not allow this boy back in your home. Your ds has a right to feel safe. I would only meet up in a neutral place where I could leave immediately if the behaviour starts and goes unchecked by the mother.
She needs to address it now or he will grow up a nightmare. Warning, if he does it again he goes straight home. He will get it eventually.

Unexpected · 11/06/2014 21:34

Why are you her only outlet? Does she not have playgroups or other activities which she can attend without you? If your boys are 3, are they at nursery? I know you are trying to be kind to her and it's commendable but what kind of message are you giving your ds? Why would you deliberately put him in a situation where he is going to be taunted to the point of crying for 15 mins in your own car on a "play" date?

Roseformeplease · 11/06/2014 21:36

So her DH does fuck all, you pick up the slack and your son suffers.

Tell her, you have every sympathy with her horrible marriage and, with a father attitude like that, no wonder the son is growing up badly, and that you can only see her in the evening.

And don't be ridiculous. Surely you could manage one evening out once with plenty of planning - or a coffee while they are in nursery.

brokenhearted55a · 11/06/2014 21:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stiffstink · 11/06/2014 21:42

How often is she round at yours? Is this a daily thing?

CheapBread · 11/06/2014 21:48

I second telling him off yourself. He needs to know there's no messing about in your company, he can do what he likes.

CheapBread · 11/06/2014 21:49

...at home.

Tangerinefairy · 11/06/2014 21:50

Either say something now or distance yourself. I put up with a situation like this for years and then finally blew my top! It was horrendous.....should have done something MUCH sooner!

steppemum · 11/06/2014 21:54

To be honest, if she does nothing, I think I would start to say something.

I would be saying things like 'kind hands in my house please, no hitting'

and That isn't nice, let's play nicely. Let's say nice things to each other, not unkind things - let's say xxxxx.

You may then loose a friend. if she objects to what you are saying, she may back off. But given that your ds is suffering,that might be worth the risk.

On the other hand, you may be giving her the tools she needs to deal with him, and she may then follow your lead.

OddFodd · 11/06/2014 21:55

Either you're going to have to intervene in a mild and unaggressive fashion (ie yes of course Tommy is allowed to play with that/no thanks Jacob, pulling that stool out from under Tommy isn't very kind) or stop seeing her. Otherwise you're sacrificing your DS for the sake of your friendship. And that's really not fair on him

Nonameyet79 · 11/06/2014 21:57

They are not in nursery yet. My ds is just 3 won't be starting school for another 2 years.

We go to a play group once a week. Her husband is perfect in her eyes. Absolutely perfect. She does not take well to an bad word being said about him.

I have given out to him, I had another friend here today and she was shocked at his behaviour.

I love spending time with my friend. Especially during the day when we can sit and chat and drink tea and bitch about the world, but I'm not sleeping and it's all down to the dread of her son coming here the next morning.

My evenings are very much family time, kids are home from school DP is home from work and we tend to be very busy. The pace during the day is different and suited to a friend to chat to. I'd really miss it is I didn't have it. On the up side, her ds will be in Playschool from September so it will be just her over. So what's that 3 months and counting! I feel so bad for her and she really is genuinely lovely.

Now that I think about it, we had an evening out planned with other friends from the playground and this friend bailed at the last minute. Another time we had planned to go to an event and he (the Hubbie) got upset as it was an overnighter so decided he would go along.

I really thought I was being unreasonable to say I don't want my little man to be friends with her son. But I think I will have a summer of being busy or the likes as I simply can't put up with this for 3 more months.

OP posts:

MaryWestmacott · 11/06/2014 21:59

Isn't her 3 year old in preschool? Can you go for a 'grown up chat' coffee when they are in preschool - would her DH never allow her a night out? Ever?

I would also start going to groups and classes when my DC weren't at preschool so that you are too busy to meet up, but she could come along too, it might just 'dilute' his behaviour a little.

Is it next year they start school? Not too long to dodge him...

Nonameyet79 · 11/06/2014 22:02

No he will start Playschool this September, my ds won't start primary school until he is 5 her ds will be 4 and a half. Neither of them are in Playschool this year.
So we are both home with our boys during the day.

OP posts:

Kerryp · 11/06/2014 22:44

Feel terrible for you. Personally I agree with a few of the poster on here saying to tell her ds. Just say now don't do that because it's not very nice or if you keep doing that he ( your ds ) won't want to be your friend because friends play nicely. I can't see why your friend would be upset with you saying this to her son, it's not as if your screaming at him

Nonameyet79 · 11/06/2014 22:49

I am very nice about it, but I am constantly doing it, I wonder is that making it worse. That she doesn't feel the need to check him anymore? I'll do it for her?
I think that's one of the major problems I spend the whole time they are here saying no that's not nice, use your nice voice, do you have no manners if you want something you need to say please. I'm worn out :(

OP posts:

Iflyaway · 11/06/2014 22:51

I had this.

I stopped the friendship because I will not have my child being abused, even by another child.

Her husband sounds shit too.

I wonder what goes on behind their closed doors...

Kerryp · 11/06/2014 22:59

You might have to say something to your child in front of your friend something along the lines of well if he's going to hurt you just don't play with him, we don't want to play with people who are being nasty. Hearing you say this about her son may help her realise that if she carries on letting him away with his behaviour then he won't make friends and others will look down on her as a parent. It's terrible but it's true.

Imsosorryalan · 11/06/2014 23:00

It's hard but to be honest you need to start standing up for your son. I hate confrontations and really don't like making a fuss. However my dd had a friend a bit like your sons and she got pushed around. It was only when I realised that she thought it was ok for others to be mean to her/push her around etc as nothing was said about it. I.e me standing up for her, that I realised I had to do something. I always stand up for her now and she is realising she doesn't have to put up with bad behaviour.

softlysoftly · 11/06/2014 23:12

Think of it this way - she's not willing to upset/confront her perfect husband or her perfect son. They can do as they please but she's quite happy for others like your DS to take the brunt of the abuse that results in.

sounds like a selfish cow to me. Protect your DS duck her until her ds is in preschool. or call her on it

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