to resent BF for his ability to bugger off and sleep/do hobbies/see friends when I'm stuck at home with DS?

(262 Posts)
LuckyLannister Sun 08-Jun-14 21:06:16

Important bits:

DS is not his, though we've been together for 1 1/2yrs and since DS was 1 1/2 (he's now 3 and a bit).

I'm 25 he's 29. I live alone with DS and he lives with his parents (had a shit job for most of his twenties and just never 'got it together').

DP/BF says lots of (what I feel are) sweet nothings about us being a family and DS being like his own etc etc. He wants us to move in together, would love to be a dad in the next 5ish years...

I know what I signed up for with DS. I've been a lone parent since pregnancy. But I find myself feeling really resentful that DP/BF plays sport two nights a week and one weekend-day then often has a guys night too. I can't really arrange to go out at myself unless it's far in advance (and it's not really about that tbh). I just feel so acutely aware of 'being' a single parent when he's off doing his stuff. It never used to bother me when I was single.

It also goes against a lot of the stuff he says about us being a family etc. If we're likely to have a bad night he stays home. I have a cervical infection from treatment last week and DS is ill so he just popped in briefly (and fell asleep on the sofa for 2hrs) before going home to get an early one. He doesn't deal with the bad behaviour or do the other boring parent stuff. Or anything remotely resembling housework, despite staying here a lot. Just plays with him. So I find it hard not to roll my eyes when he says he feels like DS's parent hmm <bitch>

He is nice generally. He does love me/DS. But I certainly wouldn't want a child with him (too high a risk of ending up a single mum of two) and wonder if being nice isn't enough if you resent them? It's not healthy is it? I can't really help feeling that way, other than making sure I keep seeing my own friends/doing my own thing within my limits.

I just feel so crap about it this last month or so.

LuckyLannister Sun 08-Jun-14 21:12:23

It's gotten more intense this last 6 months. He's mentioned trying to get a place this year, says he'd like to get married within a year or two etc.

But he's never even looked after himself, let alone a child. I feel like he tends to be absent when I need him most (i.e I have a cervical infection after a treatment last week and DS has a cold so he's said he needs to stay at home this weekend to sleep well for work, though he did pop in today for a bit).

I feel like I might as well be single for all the emotional good it's (or isn't) doing me. I can't tell.

LuckyLannister Sun 08-Jun-14 21:20:15

Actually looks worse to me written down.

But am still a bit emotional from the treatment last week/infection. Pfft.

OddFodd Sun 08-Jun-14 21:23:22

It doesn't sound as if you have a future together if you don't trust him not to leave you in the lurch if you were to have a child together

PoundingTheStreets Sun 08-Jun-14 21:25:02

You need a good long chat with him about this, cards completely on the table and everything thrashed out for good.

If you are going to move in together, regardless of your marital status, he is going to be your DS's step-father. While there may be no genetic connection involved, to all intents and purposes as far as your DS is concerned, this means that your DP needs to sign up to be a dad. No half measures. That means full practical, emotional and financial responsibility.

It's a tall order and there's no shame in any one being unwilling or unable to live up to it. Now is the time your BF has to decide if he is. If he isn't, give up the talk of moving in together and being a family, because you won't be one. If he wants to be one, he puts his money where his mouth is.

There is no right and wrong here, but until you've talked this issue to death and made a firm commitment either way, you won't really see an improvement.

In the meantime, however, how much of this resentment is silent? What I mean is have you specifically asked your BF for help? Or do you feel you can't because DS isn't his but are secretly hoping he will offer and then feel disappointed and resentful if he doesn't? Because if there's any of that going on, you're going to need to learn to be more direct and forthright about what you want. Without children of his own, your BF is going to need educating about the responsibilities of parenting and what you and DS need from him.

Good luck. Hope it works out.

TroyMcClure Sun 08-Jun-14 21:26:05

oh you KNOW this man is shit

LuckyLannister Sun 08-Jun-14 21:26:32

I don't think he would leave me with a kid...but the longer we're together the more I think I'd have no other option as I just wouldn't be able to live like that.

He says it'll be different if/when we have our own hmm I don't see how it would be that different if DS is 'like his own' IYSWIM?

But then he'd be really upset if we broke up so I've just been sitting on this for a while.

I thnk you've ended up talking yourself into making a decision on this, and that's not a bad thing.

He's not a parent if he doesn't actually do any parenting, and your infection sounds worse than his cold so he should've there helping out, not running home to mummy so she can tuck him in.

Sounds like too much hard work for what you're getting out of it.

TroyMcClure Sun 08-Jun-14 21:28:05

no

separate for a bit
set yourself at least a month to get over it.

then mOVE ON, you are a lone parent anyway atm - you might not notice any difference, just not expect some bloke who LIVES WITH HIS PARENTS to let you down

OddFodd Sun 08-Jun-14 21:30:18

Rereading your OP, he sounds like a total manchild. If you want a man to be a stepdad for your DS, this guy isn't him.

You either need to lay your cards on the table and give him the chance to shape up or dump him. But don't just drift on like you're doing - it's not fair on your DS apart from anything.

IwinIwin Sun 08-Jun-14 21:30:26

It's definitely unreasonable to be annoyed at him in some respects because you're the one responsible for DS not him, he is just a boyfriend not DS' dad or your DP or DH. But I get why you are annoyed and envious especially as he's been a bit useless while you are poorly. in regards to saying DS is like his, you need to call him on it and tell him how you feel. DS is not his and he's not acting like a dad- he's acting like a boyfriend, which he is but I can imagine it's confusing when he acts like a boyfriend then claims to want to 'play' dad or claims he is 'like dad'.

When he mentions getting a place and marriage, remind him that you've got a way to go first. You (or rather he) can't just move in together and expect DS to be okay with it, can't expect to be a father when he's never acted as one or expect yourself to be able to work with both of them being funny. You'd need to take it in smaller stages, him coming over more, staying over, family days out. Only when you feel you could leave DS with him while you went out for something would he possibly be on the way to being ready for that.

I'm hoping he's not one of those that are 'all words' and like to give lip service, I'm hoping he's in the 'just boyfriend/girlfriend' stage since your relationship isn't that old. When you are well have a think back about whether he does let you down when you need him - poorly or not.

LuckyLannister Sun 08-Jun-14 21:33:01

It's a tall order and there's no shame in any one being unwilling or unable to live up to it - I really do get that. I've said that to him before, when he was being a bit rubbish last year (we actually broke up over it for a week or so).

We had a chat a month ago and I said I felt like he had a lot of growing up to do and I told him what I expect from him/us as a couple if we move in together. I also said that you won't be able to just go stay at your mum's when your tired etc/have a lie in all weekend...Life with a child/children is what it is and I wanted him to understand what he's signing up for.

But in that time he's sort of been a bit better (washed up, cooked a handful of times) but still been a bit non-commital about the long term stuff (we talked about learning to drive as neither of us do so I've now had 3 lessons and he's not even called to book his first, despite having 70% more free time than me and way more money).

I just wonder if we're dragging out something nice but unsustainable really.

PoundingTheStreets Sun 08-Jun-14 21:35:22

Hmm, well if you've already had the serious chats about it, and not a lot has changed (the odd meal being cooked doesn't really count for much), maybe it's time to reconsider your future together. flowers

somewhatavoidant Sun 08-Jun-14 21:36:44

Pounding the streets is talking infinite sense OP. It's what grown up relationships are made of. Maybe you don't really see a future with him so in that case, be brave and move on. But if you love him and want to make it work, you need to talk to him and be forthright about what you need. You can't lose. If you walk away without giving him a chance to step up, you're back to being properly single with no one to resent for not helping you. If you talk maturely about it and he can't be what you need him to be than the end result is the same. But maybe it'll be an "aha" moment for him and you'll all live happily ever aftersmile Worth a shot?!

LuckyLannister Sun 08-Jun-14 21:38:22

I'm hoping he's not one of those that are 'all words' and like to give lip service

He has made a lot of seemingly innocent promises that never happened to do with the relationship/getting to the right place to 'progress' a bit.

Like the driving (he's been saying he would for 1yr now), saving up, planning to go away for a week with DS somewhere this summer etc.

I love him but love doesn' conquer all and above all, I don't want DS to be affected by this too much if it doesn't work out. He's only 3 now but it goes so fast and I think that's pushing me a little to make a quicker decisin than I would. Plus my life just is different because DS makes it that way (not that I mind at all of course!).

I feel like a bitch tbh but I posted in the hope it would help me think it through so thanks for the replies so far wine

LuckyLannister Sun 08-Jun-14 21:40:24

Thanks somewhat

That is what we had last month though but the fundamental things haven't changed much. I just feel really unhappy tbh. I love him but hate feeling resentful about him. I may try one more serious 'this is it' chat.

somewhatavoidant Sun 08-Jun-14 21:43:16

X post op, sounds like you've already talked to bf, hope he steps I up (hopeless romanticenvy)

OddFodd Sun 08-Jun-14 21:43:28

Why do you feel like a bitch? You're in a different headspace to him and that's fine - it doesn't mean that he's wrong because he's behaving exactly like a childless man in his 20s usually behaves. But it's not right for you when you have a child and all the priorities/responsibilities that go along with that

I think having kids does throw things into relief - you can't afford to just noodle along like you can when they're not in the frame.

IwinIwin Sun 08-Jun-14 21:43:32

He has made a lot of seemingly innocent promises that never happened to do with the relationship/getting to the right place to 'progress' a bit.

Sounds like he may very well be then OP, sorry. What about, when you feel well, sit down and think about it all and right a list. All the times he's made unkept promises, all the things he's given lip service on and all the things he has actually done- plus pros and cons. It may help to put in perspective?

You are right OP, love doesn't conquer all, it cannot dent free will and it won't change this or any person. You aren't a bitch at all, you sound very torn and upset and there's nothing unreasonable in that.

EverythingCounts Sun 08-Jun-14 21:44:42

How about you suggest to him some 'trial runs', e.g. you go out with your friends for a night (staying over at theirs, maybe) while he looks after DS? Let him see what the mundane / difficult bits are like in a very limited way. If he were to become a proper stepdad that would all be standard for him much of the time.

Preciousbane Sun 08-Jun-14 21:47:29

I commented on another thread where someone was asking is love enough. As a long in the tooth member with one shitty and one excellent marriage under my belt I would say no love in not enough at all.

He is immature, the life he has does sound great imagine having that, no real responsibility and to play happy families when you choose to.

LuckyLannister Sun 08-Jun-14 21:52:00

EverythingCounts He did watch him one night in feb when I had to go to A&E and was kept in for obs as no one else could do it and he said it was surprisingly hard. (He then said he couldn't see me when I came home as he was so stressed out and needed an evening with his friends hmm). But that was a stressful time.

I think that's the worst part. He is a lovely bloke in lots of respects. And I know he'll be gutted (but then so am I a little). I just thought he would get more of a move on than he did (because he said he wanted to) when we first got together but a year and a bit later there's not been much progress. He's done nothing massively wrong.

You can't afford to just noodle along that's basically the whole reason I'm doubting it so much. I'd love it to not be an issue but it's gotten more and more noticable these last few months. Especially now it's not all 'madly/blindly in love & butterflies' IYSWIM?

LuckyLannister Sun 08-Jun-14 21:54:53

(My mum picked DS up from him that time. I was still in hospital).

I think that put me off asking directly again tbh, though I said would he if we lived together and he said yes. I don't know.

I hate being so young. It would be lovely to have more bloody experience. I've never been in a relationship that lasted more than a year so feel like I've been a bit dumb but nevermind blush grin

OddFodd Sun 08-Jun-14 21:57:25

Of course it's gutting - it's really disappointing that he isn't stepping up to the plate. But you've given it a good shot and if it's making you more unhappy than happy, I'd say it was time to pull the plug. Don't leave it until you resent him so much you begin to hate him. <voice of bitter experience speaking there!>

Caitlin177 Sun 08-Jun-14 21:59:03

You do sound resentful of the free time and money he has

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