To ask my parents to move out ?

(87 Posts)
mummymcphee Sat 07-Jun-14 23:38:41

My parents offered to help me out with 2 days week childcare in return for board and lodging (they do buy some food).

My dad has been a big support to me since I escaped an abusive relationship whilst pregnant. He has helped with household chores and cooking and childcare where able since my DD was born. I work full time they are both retired.

My mum has been quite hostile towards me (including during DD's birth where she was absent for long stretches) and since moving in to my house she has set up a business and is out of the house at every opportunity, she told me she can't be the mother I wan't or need her to be and that she is unable to provide me with the emotional support I need and that she is keeping interaction with me to a minimum so she can survive the next year unscathed. Last weekend my parents went to visit my brother to ask him if they could move in with him. I was unaware this was their plan and my brother phoned me on wednesday to say my mum had said she had problems bonding with my daughter. Needless to say he didn't want them to move in.

When I talked to my mum about it today she just repeated... 'ididn't go behind your back' 'i don't need your love' and 'i can't be the mother you want me to be' and our relationship is 'irreparably damaged'. Our last heated discussion was when the dishwasher broke and I asked her about help to get it fixed. She ran upstairs to my dad and he came out defending her as he always does saying that I was lazy for not being prepared to wash the dishes as they have no money to help with repairs (it's their dishwasher and I was asking out of courtesy.) She denied today having said she hadn't bonded with my dd and said that it was our relationship that was permanently damaged.

Do I really have to live with this situation for the next year...they have been with me for two years now? I feel so lonely!!!

PicandMinx Sat 07-Jun-14 23:42:25

What happened to their home?

BrianTheMole Sat 07-Jun-14 23:43:01

I think it would be fair to start talking to them about how they can move on. It doesn't sound good for anyone. Very toxic.

BlackDaisies Sat 07-Jun-14 23:43:09

I suppose it all hinges on how much you need them there and whether you can afford to live without them. You may be entitled to tax credits depending on the hours you work and your salary. I would seek advice, and if possible then ask them to leave, as it does sound a very stressful situation for you.

Foodylicious Sat 07-Jun-14 23:44:33

Not at all! You need to let them know that the current situation is clearly not working for any of you and they need to find a place of their own, that you are grateful for their (your dads) help, but think you would all have better relationships if you were not living together.

Can you organise child care without them?

AgentZigzag Sat 07-Jun-14 23:45:01

Of course you can ask (/tell, if needs be) them to move out.

Your mum treats you like shit, she might be telling the truth as she sees it, but there's no reason to be so nasty with it.

She doesn't want to be there and you don't want her there, tell her you're not doing it any more.

Your dad helping you out in the past doesn't mean you owe them anything, you sound miserable in a very uncomfortable situation, what's that doing to your DD?

Have you ever broached the subject of them pissing off?

WaffleWiffle Sat 07-Jun-14 23:47:36

Why can't your parents get their own place?

mummymcphee Sat 07-Jun-14 23:48:04

they have rented their home out and just cover expenses. My dad has not worked for 35 years due to a breakdown so financially very low on funds.

I got no help with tax credits last year as I earned just over the threshold but will get free nursery hours in January.

It is toxic and stressful and I am starting to loose perspective. It's very difficult to talk to them as they start to critisise me and my life and say how many parents would have moved in to help you under these circumstances and how will you cope on your own

halohalohalo Sat 07-Jun-14 23:48:10

This sounds horrific.

Why will it be another year of living together? What happens then?

I think I'd tell the two of them to go. Obviously don't know full situation but this isn't healthy for anyone.

halohalohalo Sat 07-Jun-14 23:50:17

mummymcphee
and say how many parents would have moved in to help you under these circumstances

Ones who had no home/money of their own and thought they could play their daughter!

PicandMinx Sat 07-Jun-14 23:58:48

Ask them to move out, into their own home, or with your brother. They are toxic.

If they look after your DD for 2 days a week and you work full-time, how do you manage for childcare the rest of the week?

Your Mother has a business and so she earn an income. Your Father may not have worked for 35 years but your parents must have survived somehow before they moved in with you.

PicandMinx Sun 08-Jun-14 00:00:07

* could earn an income

AgentZigzag Sun 08-Jun-14 00:00:38

Everything you say points to you wanting shot of them, what is it that's stopping you?

What exactly are they going to do? Surely it can't be any worse than having them right there abusing you in your own home?

If they start trying to turn it round on to you just keep banging on, your life and how you decide to live it is none of their business.

It's like they've got something on you compelling you to obey.

You don't have to.

mummymcphee Sun 08-Jun-14 00:02:49

It all got more difficult about a year ago when DD had an accident a year ago when my dad was looking after she was 20 months at the time and she lost her front teeth. I had asked my mum not to leave her with him for more than an hour at a time due to problems with multi tasking.

DD needed surgery and I treated it as just an accident but was verbally attacked at the time for needing to be more responsible, being lazy, financially irresponsible and a bad mother...she was in their care!!! I didn't blame them but it was very much projected onto me. I responded by killing myself to keep the house and getting into more debt in order to fund extra childcare and do up the house.

mummymcphee Sun 08-Jun-14 00:08:00

Childcare has been helped by work who have been very flexible and let me do 3 very long days. So I have DD two days and she is at nursery one day but I struggle to pay to be honest. It's all a bit of a mess :-(

TeamEdward Sun 08-Jun-14 00:15:49

If you are "paying" your parents board and lodging, could you not get them to move out and have an au pair instead?

mummymcphee Sun 08-Jun-14 00:25:23

Yes team that's one of the ideas which makes sense. I have a full time nursery pace in September but holidays will be difficult so an au pair would make sense.

I suppose my difficulty is letting go of 'the happy family' I contantly chase and given that my DD's father treated me so badly I am feeling thatI must be a horrible person after all. I have escaped feeling sorry for myself until now but am quite low.

halohalohalo Sun 08-Jun-14 00:28:47

So you've swapped an abusive partner for abusive parents? It's not you, it's them. Don't let them mess with your head.

mummymcphee Sun 08-Jun-14 00:37:51

the problem is halo that nobody else has really been there for me since DD was born. They have physically been there for me and DD. She loves her grandad to bits.

I know my mum is attacking my self esteem and self worth on a daily basis but I worry about not having any other support. Some of my other relatives have 'disowned me' due to my current situation (DD having no dad and me 'taking advantage of my elderly parents'....they are early sixties.

BrianTheMole Sun 08-Jun-14 00:43:25

Its not good for your dd to grow up in this environment. She's your family now. Time for a strong word and end date with your parents. It sounds intolerable.

AgentZigzag Sun 08-Jun-14 00:43:42

Even if they were the most helpful and supportive parents you could think of, you'd still be totally within your rights to ask them to move out.

You're not a horrible person at all to want to do that, they've got you in a place where you're giving more weight to their opinions than they're entitled to.

You say you didn't blame them about your DDs accident, but you seem to be saying it was actually their fault (your mum ignoring you saying not to leave her with your dad for more than an hour, did he have her longer? and your dad not paying enough attention to your DD by multi tasking?)

That's a pretty big thing to get over, did they manipulate you into leaving your DD with your dad again?

SavoyCabbage Sun 08-Jun-14 00:44:05

You can have a happy family with you and your daughter. That's your family.

They are not doing you an enormous favour by moving into your house and treating you badly. They have moved in for their own benefit. Not yours.

Your mum need a to get a proper job if your dad can't.

Your outgoings will be lower with just the two of you in the house. Especially as there will nobody in it durning the day.

At the weekends and in the evenings it will be you Nd your daughter. Your family. Doing things together, creating memories and generally having a good time.

mummymcphee Sun 08-Jun-14 00:49:39

I know Mole! Life is too short. I have always felt very beholden to my parents. My brother and I spent a chunk of our early years in care as my mum had post natal depression and I know it's important to get things right for DD.

I suppose I am just working up the courage to do it....my dad will shout and say I'm ungrateful. I just feel very unloved and sorry for myself but you are right it's DD who is important here.

mummymcphee Sun 08-Jun-14 00:58:20

Agent..DD was standing up in her buggy and tipped over and the handle smashed into her mouth.I was at work. Dad had nipped to the toilet. Mum was at a business meeting. I had asked mum not leave DD with dad for long (an hour max) but he had her all morning and paniced (blood everywhere) when she hurt herself. They spent an hour looking for her teeth and called me at one.... (accedent was elevenish) I arranged to meet them in A & E and the xray showed teeth in gum line. I have always treated it as an accident but had I been at home (or mum) it would not have happened.

The next day they let me have it both barrels verbally of course.

Bogeyface Sun 08-Jun-14 01:00:30

It's very difficult to talk to them as they start to critisise me and my life and say how many parents would have moved in to help you under these circumstances and how will you cope on your own

They need you more than you need them. Without you they would be homeless. Without them you would be...what? Slightly worse off? But much better off emotionally which would leave you in a much better place to deal with your finances.

Your DB doesnt want them because he can see how it is for you.

Give them notice. Yes they will kick off, call you ungrateful, tell people how vile you are etc. This is because they dont want to have to sort themselves out with money and somewhere to live. Far easier to keep your in your place and sponge off you. Add up what they cost in terms of utilities, food, laundry, time off work etc and take that off the extra cost of childcare. I rather suspect you wont be as badly off as you think. Think about it, at the moment you are feeding and paying utilities for 3 adults and one child. They leave and your food and utilities will drop dramatically.

To coin a phrase... "Go Compare"!

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