to tell him to feck off? He is still out since Friday, I have been crying all day and at the end of my teather now

(103 Posts)
Paranoidandroid2 Sat 07-Jun-14 21:23:00

My partner has a history of going out with his mates, telling me he would be back by midnight and stumbling in drunk at 5 am or the day after. I woke up this morning and he was not there, he texted me to say he is at his mates and 'needs this'. Well, I certainly do not need this and texted him to tell him not to come back. He stayed at his mates all day and did not try to make amends. I was so exhausted crying and physically hurting, he betrayed my trust again. I called him around 6 pm to ask when he was coming back to get his things, as I wanted to be out then. I was also worried as he did not call or text for several hours by then. He told me what he did was not so bad and I was overreacting and he was not going to apologise again (he texted 'sorry' in the morning. He put the phone down but then texted that he is a twat but he never cheats and would never hurt me. I texted to say he had hurt me and would he want to be with someone who behaved like him, because I would not. He texted 'sorry' again. I texted that I wanted to put the house on the market next week and he said he would have to think about it.

I know this is all jumbled up but I am so upset, we have been together for over three years and it never has come to this, he would come back and apologise. He only goes out every month or so, sometimes more, but last time he came back and told me he was an alcoholic and would stop drinking. That was three weeks ago.

Before you ask, he has lots of redeeming features, he is lovely and helpful and does a lot for me, including helping with raising my 10yo DD. We are both working, in our early 30s. Is this how a 31 yo partner should be? I know he loves me and will apologise, but this has shaken me up and just wanted to ask if you think I should LTB.

dietstartstmoz Sat 07-Jun-14 21:26:17

He is behaving as though he is a single bloke and he doesn't have any one else to consider. He is a knob. He does not care about your feelings and is not treating you with any respect. Yes it's a LTB. thanks

Bearbehind Sat 07-Jun-14 21:28:06

This absolutely isn't how a partner should be.

The fact he texted 'he never cheats' rings massive alarm bells- you never asked him that.

There's plenty of easy sex out there on a Friday night and I'd be astounded if that isn't what's actually going on.

I'm not big on LTB but I think that's where this is heading.

Fairylea Sat 07-Jun-14 21:28:48

Absolutely ltb sorry.

Totally behaving like a single man. Nothing wrong with the odd pre arranged night out but being an adult is about being back when you say you will and quite simply not taking the piss.

I'm sorry.

Icelollycraving Sat 07-Jun-14 21:29:11

Wow,slow down,breathe!!
Ok,if he's admitting he's an alcoholic,what is he proposing to do about it?
If he wants to let off steam & have a v late one,then I'd be inclined to go to bed & enjoy the roomy bed for the night. If he is generally a good partner,can you work things out?

I think you need to work out exactly what the issue is. Is it his drinking? The fact he says he'll be back by 12 but stays out? The fact he hasn't apologised to you in a way you think is appropriate?

And why are you having such a fundamental conversation by text? I'd suggest you both give it a day or two then have a proper conversation.

defineme Sat 07-Jun-14 21:31:18

I would be very worried about the alcoholic thing- do you think he is?
the going out thing would be an issue if we had plans or he left me with the kids. I dont think its unreasonable to stay at a mates once evry 3 weeks but I do think a text to ssy change of plans is the respectful thing to do...I would think it very odd if dh didn't.

I'd say LTB mainly because I wouldn't want my ten year old child putting up with the consequences of his drinking. I'm guessing he's not much use the day after his drinking? It also presumably takes a whack out of your budget?

EverythingCounts Sat 07-Jun-14 21:33:19

He sounds a lot younger than 31. Have you ever talked about why he tells these lies about being back early? Is that the major thing for you or is it the nights out he has with these friends that you don't like?

It sounds like you are lot more serious this time, but he thinks you will come round. How many times has this happened in the past 3 years?

SuperLoveFuzz Sat 07-Jun-14 21:36:01

There are clearly lots of different issues going on here. If he is an alcoholic that's the first thing that needs to be addressed.

Without knowing the dynamics of the rest of your relationship it is really hard to make a judgement call.

One of the things that stands out to me is that you seem to be trying to manipulate him and emotionally blackmail him into coming home. It doesn't sound to me like you want to split up with him, yet you told him not to come back. When this didn't get the response you wanted you then contacted him again to ask when he was going to get his stuff. Again when you didn't get what you wanted (him to come home) you said you wanted to put the house on the market. Could this sort of behaviour be the reason he 'needs' the time out?

Sorry if this sounds harsh, I'm certainly not trying to kick you when you're down, just wanted to be honest.

I'm sorry you're upset at the moment and hope you get the resolution you're looking for.

Paranoidandroid2 Sat 07-Jun-14 21:36:51

That is it Diets, all his mates are single and he is just someone else when he is around them. Icelolly, I suggested counselling and he initially agreed but did not follow it through. I do not mind him going out, I do too but I come back when I say I would, mostly before midnight. The staying out all night despite promises bit is what hurts me, how can I trust him again?
Thank you for all your responses, it is my first post and it feels great to have your support.

Paranoidandroid2 Sat 07-Jun-14 21:44:03

He tells lies 'not to disappoint me', as him coming back at 12 is 'what I would want' apparently. He does not drink more than once or twice a week and rarely gets drunk, so my main issue is not keeping his word. I know it sounds like I want him back home, I bloody do deep down so that he can see how much pain he has caused me. But then I can be strong and not actually say 'come home', and leave him.

defineme Sat 07-Jun-14 21:46:42

Why did he promise not to stay out all night? I'm a 39 yr old mother of 3 snd I stay out wiyh friends occasionally. However, I always let dh know where I am. Do parents have to be home before midnight?

You haven't answered thr alcoholic question.

Bearbehind Sat 07-Jun-14 21:47:44

OP, do you honestly think he spends the night, all night, with his mates?

If they are single don't you think it's likely that they all cop off and go home with women?

That would bother me far more than the drinking.

SuperLoveFuzz Sat 07-Jun-14 21:48:33

I think I've maybe missed the fundamental issue which is his lying. I do think as an adult he should be able to choose when he goes out and for how long. On the flip side of this, if you choose to be in a partnership then you have to be honest. So if he wants to go out on a 3 day bender regularly, he should tell you this. That would allow you to decide if that suits you or if you want to split up.

As it stands he's lying to keep you sweet then doing as he pleases anyway. So while I do think you've handled it badly and possibly made him want to stay out even longer, it's understandable given he keeps lying to you.

Sorry if I was harsh OP, having some troubles myself at the moment so possibly not thinking too rationally.

Hope you're ok x

80schild Sat 07-Jun-14 21:53:17

Not sure it matters how many times he has done this. I would say once out all night is too much especially considering you have children. He is setting a terrible example of how to behave to his children; I imagine with the ensuing fatigue you are left looking after the children by yourself; and it is disrespectful of you.

Paranoidandroid2 Sat 07-Jun-14 22:00:44

Defineme once he starts drinking and he is out he is finding it difficult to stop, he might be alcoholic, but then it only affects him once in a while- is this being an alcoholic? His father drinks every day and he did say he was like his dad, but he is not.

If he planned an all night bender and told me, I would just ask him to take a cab. I would not be too happy, but I could live with it, as long as it was not too often. But he never asks, he does not plan on staying out but gets influenced by mates I guess.

I am in two minds about cheating, I believe him but wish he did not put himself in situations where it is likely and his judgement is skewed by alcohol.

thecatwithblueeyes Sat 07-Jun-14 22:03:39

I think you've answered your own question in your post. You clearly dont think this is how a 31 year old man should be, and his behaviour is making you really unhappy. He is not going to change. You don't like him as he is. Therefore I think you should leave as soon as possible, before you end up having kids and it all gets messy (I gather that your daughter is from a previous relationship, not his). You will find someone who has all his good qualities AND who doesn't regularly go out on a 3 day bender. These men exist, believe.

Bearbehind Sat 07-Jun-14 22:09:33

he does not plan on staying out but gets influenced by mates I guess.

OP- wise up- men in their 30's don't stay out all night cos their mates are there- they stay out because they've met a woman.

Paranoidandroid2 Sat 07-Jun-14 22:11:12

No worries Super, I can be manipulative I guess but I was just hurting. Lying is the biggie for me. hope you are ok x

My daughter did not realise he was not there this time, and now she is with her dad, but it does worry me that she sometimrs asks about him when he is not there. He is useless the next day snd true, it does not help.

Update: he is now texting me that he misses me, I said he did not sound happy with our relationship when we spoke earlier so maybe best to end it, he gave me the 'so you don't love me any more, then fine' and like one poster suggested, I said I can talk when he wants to, but Zi did not want this conversation to be on text.

defineme Sat 07-Jun-14 22:11:27

It's not really relevant if staying out all night is acceptable for me and my dh.
obviously it's unacceptable in yours, you want your dh to change, he ssys he will but lies and does it anyway.
I dont think he'll change, I don't think you'll change, I don't think you're suited to each other.
I have no idea if he's an alcoholic or simply prefers being with his mates instead of what you would like him to do.
so yes ltb because neither of you sound very happy and making threats/ultimatums is no way to carry on.

Paranoidandroid2 Sat 07-Jun-14 22:18:39

Bearbehind, it does play on my mind as once he was defending a mate who kissed a random girl but was in a relationship at the time. And like someone mentioned - i did not ask if he cheated. He is quite obsessed with me talking to other men etc. I assumed he was insecure but it worries me as I think he might be projecting his own behaviour.

He is 31 and not behaving it, but 99% of the time he is here, he is caring and considerate, and he makes me laugh, we do not argue about other things that is why this is such a difficult decision to make.

defineme Sat 07-Jun-14 22:20:18

I think it's really tragic that staying out all night has to mean cheating. I have nevrr been unfaithful in my life. I stay out all night because it's easier to sleep at a friend's, because I don't want to be woken by 3 kids, because I love a dance and chatting into the night. I don't do it all the time, I don't do it without prewarning my dh or if I have committed with the kids. Neither dh or I think it's a big deal looking after our kids for a Saturday or whatever.

Bearbehind Sat 07-Jun-14 22:25:27

That's the massive difference defineme, you don't do it without pre warning- it sounds very much like this bloke does it because the opportunity of a bit on the side pops up.

Seriously, what other reason does a grown man go AWOL for 24 hours for?

Paranoidandroid2 Sat 07-Jun-14 22:30:24

Like I said, I woke up to texts on my phone, sorry for not making this clear enough. He texted throughout the night, first saying he was coming back at 12.30 and then texting from his mates house. He did not exactly go AWOL and I think he was not cheating but who knows? I thought my ex would never look at another woman but boy, was I wrong.

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