ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
Update to "Glastonbury over Wedding" - now it's "local festival over holiday" - is it me or what?(85 Posts)
I posted a few days ago saying that DP was prioritising Glastonbury festival over our wedding by saying we'd have to do the wedding as cheap as pos (or maybe not at all) but we have to go to Glastonbury (again).
Anyway most of you thought I was being unfair, princessey and spoilt so I came up with the compromise of cheap wedding - glastonbury for honeymoon. He loved it. That's the plan.
Ok - so I also mentioned in that post that we had a holiday of a lifetime coming up in august. Something of a bucket list entry of mine - I'm so excited about it, it's a massive deal to me. Anyway the plan was that we'd stay in Manchester airport hotel the night before - a nice romantic night before our hol, cheap, takes the stress out of getting to the airport the next day and just adds a nice touch to the start of our hol. I can do this for £100. Anyway he's been trying to talk me out of it since I suggested it but as we very, very nearly missed our flight the last time we went away and I was close to tears and almost too stressed out to enjoy the start of the holiday - I insisted. This was something I really wanted to do and despite what it seems like on here, I don't ask for a lot, I'm pretty easily pleased (honeymoon in a field anyone?) but you know - I wanted the hotel the night before the hol.
Anyway I've found out the real reason he didn't want to do it. A local yearly festival is on in town the night before we fly and he wants to go to that. FFS. Holiday of a lifetime and all he cares about is a little music festival happening the night before. I mean seriously now, is it me or what? I feel like my feelings are at the very bottom of his priorities. I compromised as much as humanely possible with my wedding - I just feel this is taking the piss now.
I don't think either of you are necessarily being unreasonable. You just want very different things. I don't think that there is anything wrong with him wanting to go to a local festival before your holiday but it is his turn to compromise now as you compromised on the honeymoon.
I should add that he had had many (many!) GF's in that time. Reading between the lines the reason they all ended at around the 2 year point was because that was when the women stopped doing everything he wanted and either they or him got pissed off.
He wanted to marry me because I never did what he wanted from day one
H was just 43 when I married him, never married before, lived alone or in house shares with male mates since his early 20's.
Would I marry him if I had my time again? Hell no.
He had, quite reasonably, been living a life to his preferences and wants for most of his life. Sadly, he had been doing it for so long that it never crossed his mind that being in a LTR would change that. we are now, 7 years down the line, just about ok but I wouldnt go through the first 5 years again for a big cheque.
I am with Expat on this one.
It's not that you're 'princessy', it's that you seem to want to make this man into someone he's not. What matters to him is music, more than anything else. You are more interested in travel and in getting married. Both of these sets of priorities are fine, but they don't go well together.
OP, on your wedding v Glastonbury thread, most posters thought you were anything but spoilt/princessy. A few mentioned they thought big weddings were naff but conceded that wasn't actually what you wanted & had compromised loads anyway.
So many times women on here, and it IS mainly women, write posts about doing all childcare/housework as well as working f/t and everything under the sun and posters say "why did you have kids with/marry such a selfish man". He's showing you exactly who he is NOW. Take note of it.
I read a really good article a while back where the author said she was exasperated when girls/women say "he'll make a really great dad because he's so playful" and she said no, great dads are great men - they treat the people around them with respect, they do the shite, boring stuff as well as the fun stuff. They pick their undies up off the floor! I'm paraphrasing and I know it's not entirely relevant, but the themes are the same. Do you see yourself in 10yrs time wondering how the fuck you ended up downtrodden & exhausted while he's still party boy?
Sounds like my husband. He didn't want a wedding ring. He'd rather spend that money on a new guitar! You have my sympathies.
I didn't think you came over as princessy either.
More that you want different things.
It's probably not such a good idea to get married, sorry.
Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. If he cannot prioritise you over himself now, he won't ever will.
What will happen when you have children? He'll prioritise himself and you and the dcs will be at the bottom of the heap while he's off having a fabulous time.
Whose idea was it to get married in the first place? I am starting to get the impression that you are the one who wants the wedding and a non-music-festival-related lifestyle and that he is a lot less keen on the idea.
Neither of you are actually wrong, but you are really not compatible by the sound of it. Why are you so keen to marry a man who is not interested in the things that matter to you?
A good relationship and great marriages / partnerships are about compromise.
But your relationship just didn't sound like the ebb and flow of mutual compromise where both people ultimately want to make the other happy. It sounds like he's along for the ride as long as it suits him.
He's 42 btw
Fuck's sake, woman!
Screw all the advice on the last thread
including mine. I hadn't realised your intended was an overgrown toddler.
How can he even contemplate portacabin loos at his advanced age?? I couldn't go near them when I was 17.
Another one who didn't read the previous thread, but who thinks it was in no way spoilt or princess to expect your wedding to be higher priority than one year's attendance at Glastonbury. Time for a serious talk with him I reckon. How long have you been together? Do you want children?
I can see why this charmer has made it to 42 without being in a lasting relationship. He's a twat. Run away OP, run far, run fast. you will feel great without Mr Whingy-festival-pants weighing you down.
The thing that worries me about this thread is that I have a dreadful feeling you feel thoroughly committed to a man with whom you have little in common, who seems to find your priorities laughable because they bear no resemblance to his own, and that you will go ahead and marry him, whatever anyone says here.
Listen to yourself. It sounds as if your life with this man is lonely and frustrating, with you setting your heart on weddings, bucket list destinations etc, and him with no interest in those because he's all about the festivals. Honestly, can you face a life where any major event may be vetoed or sidelined because it clashes with a festival? You were nearly in tears (your other thread) because you felt your engaged colleagues were having such fun planning their weddings, while you were trying to persuade someone patently uninterested to have a wedding, rather than a music festival. If you have a child together, do you want to be envying other couples at scans and antenatal classes, because their husbands are all excited and involved while your guy is checking his watch to get out the door to something that's all about him, or begging you to gave an ELCS so as not to clash with a festival?
A friend of mine has just divorced her 40 yo DH because he was and is an irresponsible, inconsiderate twat and she got tired of hoping he'd magically improve.
Leave him now. And I say that as someone who called off her own wedding 6months beforehand because she realised her now-ex fiancée wasn't going to stop chasing other women. Trust me, it'll be easier now than later
Except you aren't going to are you op?
You will marry this waste of space and be back in a few months when he has decided going to a festival is more important than a significant b day/anniversary/funeral/the birth of his child....
He is 42.
He will not change.
If you marry him don't bleat on about his behaviour.
You have had fair warning IMHO.
As fast and you can.
And be grateful he made you realise what a twat he was prior to the vows!
I thought he was about 25/6 (even at that age it's still twatish behaviour though)
Ok, here is what I posted on your previous thread - word for word:
*Why don't you have a very careful think about marrying a man who is very determined to have exactly what he wants, but 'laughs it off' when you start talking about things which are important to you?
A wedding is just one day yes. But it's not that that's the problem really, is it? It's the way he's showing you that what he wants is important, what you want is always negotiable.*
Same thing. Exactly the same thing. Isn't it?
He's 42 btw, old enough in my opinion to realise that some things should be prioritised over glastonbury and local festivals.
Yes, he is. So it isn't a case of him not being old enough, or happy enough, or anything enough, it's simply a case of him being an incredibly selfish, self-centred person.
He won't change. People don't change. Especially when they are 42 and have had a lifetime of pleasing themselves.
Marry him if you want. But these threads are showing you what it will be like.
How old are you, btw? Do you want children, and is time pressing? Is that a consideration in whether you continue with him?
Because that age you should be grown up to accept that if you chose to be in a relationship with someone who can take it or leave it, you have to compromise.
Yes that's a very good point canaryyellow. Strikes me that he knows he is being a bit of an arse about this and that the OP will kick off so was trying not to let it slip.
He is never going to put you as nr. 1.
I would be going on holiday by myself
and move out, cancel the wedding
You do have free choice over your life you know!
Do you know what I don't like about it?
Anyway he's been trying to talk me out of it since I suggested it
Instead of coming out with it straight away and saying "well actually, I was hoping to go to the local music festival that night", he's spent however long trying to put the OP off the idea of the hotel, despite knowing how much she wanted it to be part of the holiday.
If you're going to be a selfish twat then at least own it!
Sorry to play Devil's Advocate but coming so close to your previous Glastonbury argument, do you think he might be having minor cold feet about the wedding, and pushing what he knows to be your festival buttons, in the hope you'll freak out and tell him to do one? It's the sort of cowardly pass-agg tactic my confrontation-phobic ex-DP would have tried.
Is leaving him at the local festival and taking someone less selfish on the holiday an option ?
Seriously, he really doesn't sound worth marrying. He just doesn't have any sense of accommodating your wishes at all.
I think the faces are a surprise thst he's prioritising a festival over a highly personal and emotional event such as his wedding!
At 42 hasn't he done all that?
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