Update to "Glastonbury over Wedding" - now it's "local festival over holiday" - is it me or what?(85 Posts)
I posted a few days ago saying that DP was prioritising Glastonbury festival over our wedding by saying we'd have to do the wedding as cheap as pos (or maybe not at all) but we have to go to Glastonbury (again).
Anyway most of you thought I was being unfair, princessey and spoilt so I came up with the compromise of cheap wedding - glastonbury for honeymoon. He loved it. That's the plan.
Ok - so I also mentioned in that post that we had a holiday of a lifetime coming up in august. Something of a bucket list entry of mine - I'm so excited about it, it's a massive deal to me. Anyway the plan was that we'd stay in Manchester airport hotel the night before - a nice romantic night before our hol, cheap, takes the stress out of getting to the airport the next day and just adds a nice touch to the start of our hol. I can do this for £100. Anyway he's been trying to talk me out of it since I suggested it but as we very, very nearly missed our flight the last time we went away and I was close to tears and almost too stressed out to enjoy the start of the holiday - I insisted. This was something I really wanted to do and despite what it seems like on here, I don't ask for a lot, I'm pretty easily pleased (honeymoon in a field anyone?) but you know - I wanted the hotel the night before the hol.
Anyway I've found out the real reason he didn't want to do it. A local yearly festival is on in town the night before we fly and he wants to go to that. FFS. Holiday of a lifetime and all he cares about is a little music festival happening the night before. I mean seriously now, is it me or what? I feel like my feelings are at the very bottom of his priorities. I compromised as much as humanely possible with my wedding - I just feel this is taking the piss now.
A good relationship and great marriages / partnerships are about compromise.
But your relationship just didn't sound like the ebb and flow of mutual compromise where both people ultimately want to make the other happy. It sounds like he's along for the ride as long as it suits him.
Whose idea was it to get married in the first place? I am starting to get the impression that you are the one who wants the wedding and a non-music-festival-related lifestyle and that he is a lot less keen on the idea.
Neither of you are actually wrong, but you are really not compatible by the sound of it. Why are you so keen to marry a man who is not interested in the things that matter to you?
Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. If he cannot prioritise you over himself now, he won't ever will.
What will happen when you have children? He'll prioritise himself and you and the dcs will be at the bottom of the heap while he's off having a fabulous time.
I didn't think you came over as princessy either.
More that you want different things.
It's probably not such a good idea to get married, sorry.
Sounds like my husband. He didn't want a wedding ring. He'd rather spend that money on a new guitar! You have my sympathies.
OP, on your wedding v Glastonbury thread, most posters thought you were anything but spoilt/princessy. A few mentioned they thought big weddings were naff but conceded that wasn't actually what you wanted & had compromised loads anyway.
So many times women on here, and it IS mainly women, write posts about doing all childcare/housework as well as working f/t and everything under the sun and posters say "why did you have kids with/marry such a selfish man". He's showing you exactly who he is NOW. Take note of it.
I read a really good article a while back where the author said she was exasperated when girls/women say "he'll make a really great dad because he's so playful" and she said no, great dads are great men - they treat the people around them with respect, they do the shite, boring stuff as well as the fun stuff. They pick their undies up off the floor! I'm paraphrasing and I know it's not entirely relevant, but the themes are the same. Do you see yourself in 10yrs time wondering how the fuck you ended up downtrodden & exhausted while he's still party boy?
It's not that you're 'princessy', it's that you seem to want to make this man into someone he's not. What matters to him is music, more than anything else. You are more interested in travel and in getting married. Both of these sets of priorities are fine, but they don't go well together.
H was just 43 when I married him, never married before, lived alone or in house shares with male mates since his early 20's.
Would I marry him if I had my time again? Hell no.
He had, quite reasonably, been living a life to his preferences and wants for most of his life. Sadly, he had been doing it for so long that it never crossed his mind that being in a LTR would change that. we are now, 7 years down the line, just about ok but I wouldnt go through the first 5 years again for a big cheque.
I am with Expat on this one.
I should add that he had had many (many!) GF's in that time. Reading between the lines the reason they all ended at around the 2 year point was because that was when the women stopped doing everything he wanted and either they or him got pissed off.
He wanted to marry me because I never did what he wanted from day one
I don't think either of you are necessarily being unreasonable. You just want very different things. I don't think that there is anything wrong with him wanting to go to a local festival before your holiday but it is his turn to compromise now as you compromised on the honeymoon.
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