Don't stress me out. AIBU?

[Etah]

This morning I had to leave early for my course and I left our daughter with H.

His parents came to visit and after my course I went to meet with them all at the high street.
We were walking in a shopping centre looking at shop windows, when H saw a pair of sandals that he liked.
He mentioned something about "needing" one pair for our holidays (it is going to be only 1 week holiday and the only time of the year he will wear sandals).
I pointed out that he has one pair already, not exactly the same, but very similar (same brand) and he doesn't need another pair.

He than said the two sandals were not the same and he liked the one in the shop.
I said that we are already spending a lot on this holiday (paid for already) and still have to find spending money for it, also we are attending a wedding just before the holiday....and on the top of that we are going through an unexpected financial muddle at the moment and we need to be extra careful with money otherwise we will be in trouble. Why thinking about buying a second pair of sandals similar to the one he got already and he will use only for 1 week of the year?

(I may have said no one (at the holiday place) cares about what one another is wearing and no one will be taking pictures of his feet)

He then said very abruptly "Don't stress me out!"

What? I was just having an adult conversation! I didn't think I said anything wrong and certainly wasn't being rude to him, why he can't talk about those things without getting stressed? Sure this is normal conversation between adults who are tied financially?

So he entered the next shop where his parents were. I stood on the outside, open mouth and stunned, not knowing what to think...then he came back and said he was not going to tolerate me stressing him out anymore...I than calmly asked him if he realises we are in financial troubles? because doesn't seem he knows it yet...he said of course he knows about our money problems but he was just "thinking' about buying it, not "buying' it and I stressed him out.

(he loves shopping btw and holiday is a perfect excuse)

So I said that I don't think it was fair of him being rude to me just because I gave him my opinion and I wanted his house keys because I was just going to go home and leave them all to it. (I had forgotten my keys at home when left).

He said: Just go then, and gave me the keys.

I started to move and go, and he stopped me, asking if I was going to tell his parents I was going back home? but I said I would see them back in the house later, so what is the point?

He then said that I couldn't possibly just go home and not say "good bye see you later at home" to his parents.....

But I did. I just came home. Turned my back on him and came home.

I will not tolerate him being rude to me. I was not trying to stress him out. And he could have spoken properly to me if I was saying things he didn't like.

Setting the boundaries bar up high.

[PPaka]

Well it sounds like he's already stressed?

Does he just want to put his head in the sand about finances ?

[FatalCabbage]

You were very rude to him first. Regardless of your financial situation (you don't say he is profligate, just not as cautious as you) it isn't unreasonable to want a second pair of sandals very similar to a pair you own and love - sounds like cautious shopping to me.

You could controlling from this snapshot, I'm afraid.

[whynowblowwind]

You sound like his Mum, to be honest, not his partner - sorry.

I've been known to tell DH not to stress me out as he goes on and on and ON about stuff and it does get me wound up and upset.

[Betrayedbutsurvived]

Hmmm, maybe there's more you're not telling us, but going home without speaking to his parents sounds very rude to me.

[StillStayingClassySanDiego]

He snapped at you and you've over reacted by walking off.

[CanaryYellow]

You sound extremely rude and I can only imagine the tone you used when you told him that nobody on holiday would be looking at or taking pics of his footwear.

[Nomama]

OK. So you are having unexpected financial troubles, you've got a wedding and a holiday to find the cash for and his parents are visiting.

You are both stressed. You were both unreasonable!

Suck it up and apologise for having over reacted to his wanting a new pair of sandals for holiday. Then explain you too are stressed with the financial situation. Then tell him you both need to be a bit more polite to each other until you have the financial situation sorted and the stress levels are lowered...

... lower that bar. Unless you value being right more than you value your marriage.

[PlumpPartridge]

Sounds like he reacted childishly, then you reacted childishly.

[Icelollycraving]

It was rude not to see goodbye to his parents. The whole sandal thing,well it's hard to tell in honesty.

[MrsCripps]

Hmm sounds like "Don't stress me out " means "don't talk to me about our finances, I don't want to know"

[GertrudeBell]

I would have hated being nagged like that and it was entirely fair of him to tell you that you were stressing him out, and to stop.

Your reaction then was extremely rude and controlling. Going off without acknowledging his parents was designed purely to embarrass him, and a complete over-reaction to being asked not to do something annoying.

Do you often play these power games OP?

[Meeeep]

Do you often find yourself in a position where you feel you have to tell him not to spend money?

The situation is hugely different from mine but I constantly felt like I had to control money in my marriage because my ex would spend money we simply didn't have to spend, it was my money though since he decided to stop working. I resented the hell out of him for it, it made me feel like I was his mother, I didn't want to be like that but I had no choice.

Have you spent money on clothes or shoes for this holiday?

[DontPutMeDownForCardio]

Even when we can't afford it I'll point out to my dp things I like in shops. If he spoke to me the way you didI I'd say more then don't stress me out. Did he make any move to buy them? No. I think you should apologise for your complete over reaction.

[Lilaclily]

Sounds like a storm in a teacup
Saturdays + shopping always end up in arguments IMO

But if you can't afford shoes don't know why you're forking out for a holiday

[Meeeep]

Also I think you were rude in how you went about it, whether this is unfair or not is really situation dependant.

Also you should have said bye to his parents. To them it'll be obvious you've fallen out and will probably make them feel awkward later.

[Etah]

Ok.

I totally agree I may have been rude by not saying good buy to his parents. They are not here for a long term visit and they are not sleeping over. They live reasonably close and we see them a lot.

Yes, I agree that I may have talked to him like a child and shouldn't have said things like "nobody will take photos of your feet"
Sound very PA doesn't it?

But I feel like I have to curb his spending a lot. We have been in financial troubles before and I was the one that sorted out since he wasn't that much interested.
I am much more savvy and worry about the future and I like to know I have some spare just in case. He is admittedly the sort that thinks about the NOW and doesn't give money a second thought.

If the bills are paid he spends the rest with stuff he doesn't need. Fine, if you are not in trouble with money risking the bills not getting paid if you are not careful enough.

Well, they arrived and I was in my bedroom so H came to check up on me and ask if I wanted a cuppa or something.

[Etah]

But if you can't afford shoes don't know why you're forking out for a holiday
The holiday is paid for already. We could probably afford the £50something for a pair of sandals. But he has already similar ones and uses one week a year , but it would be STUPID. If was totally completely different I could see the point.

[Etah]

Oh yeah, lets not save and go on holidays.
Only people who have sooo much spare money to buy loads of shoes are entitled to holidays.

[WilsonFrickett]

Well it does sound like a storm in a teacup to an extent, but I think you both need a long-term solution to your finances that will avoid this happening in future. It's entirely possible your DH doesn't 'see' your money worries - and as a pp said, if you're going on holiday but can't afford sandals, that's some fairly mixed messages right there.

And I would be livid if my DP told me I couldnt buy a pair of shoes, especially in front of other people.

You need to sort your money out, perhaps so that you both have a set amount per month to spend as each sees fit, without having it involve the other?

[Stripytop]

How much were the sandals?

[rookiemater]

Is it possible to divvy up your finances so that you each get a small amount every month for discretionary spend?

Hard I know if you have financial difficulties, but I'd find it really difficult if DH felt the need to comment on my clothes purchases - he spends his money ( well actually quite a lot more than his money ) on a rather aged and much needing repaired sports car, I spend mine on clothes and the occasional high end make up splurge. I'm sure each finds the others spending habits ridiculously profligate.

[Etah]

Have you spent money on clothes or shoes for this holiday?

Not for the holidays or any other time of the year.
He goes to TKMaxx often and always comes home with something new.
He got more shoes and clothes than I do.
Funny thing is: He works in uniform and I work in my own clothes.
So his clothes doesn't even get used as much as mine.
But he still buys more and more and more.

[WilsonFrickett]

Xpost - but whether you think it's a sensible purchase or not isn't relevant, surely? DP has work shoes, casual shoes and bike shoes and views my rather more extensive collection like this --->

But he wouldn't dream of saying I couldn't have another pair of flats because I also have a pair of flats I don't wear very often. That's just not a situation that would ever occur, because I am an adult and capable of deciding for myself how many pairs of shoes I need - or just plain want.

[Stripytop]

Sorry, x-post.

Thought you were pecking his head a bit, but now I know the sandals were £50, YANBU.

Suggest he gets a cheap pair from asda, sports direct etc?