to be too scared to go for much needed counselling (very sensitive subject)

[pleasehelp25]

Ok, so here goes. I'm terrified of writing this and have never spoken to anyone about it in rl.
When I was about 5 I had a best friend, I would go over to her house all the time. One day we where playing and she said I could only play with her doll if I played this other game first. I won't go into detail but this game was sexual play. At the time I didn't understand it and it tickled so I wasn't too bothered.
At the time I had no idea what it was,and in no way blame this friend as she obviously learned it somewhere and probably had no idea either, it was something she wanted to play a lot and went on for a few years until she moved.
I also showed this game to another friend obviously not knowing what I was doing wrong.
I feel like I was abused and as a result I played this 'game' with another child and after growing up and realising what it was iv never really gotton over it.

I feel like I need to talk about it but I'm terrified of speaking about it.
I thought opening up here is a start... Sorry if I sound like an awful horrible person, it's haunted me my whole life.

[pleasehelp25]

Oh and I am a regular poster but have name changed for obvious reasons.

[Cookiepants]

Hi please, didn't want your post to go unanswered. I am not an expert on child development and without knowing exactly what occurred I would say children experiment with their own and others bodies all the time. Doctors and nurses, you show me yours, I'll show you mine etc... Could it have been like that ?

If you are troubled speak to your GP or ask for some councilling (?) as this continues to weigh so heavily on you. No one will think you're an awful person.

[pleasehelp25]

Thank you for replying cookie, no it was more than that, I fear it would have been something an adult would have had to had involvement in and fear friend may have been abused. I'd rather not go into hideous detail.
I'd like some counselling but found it hard to write the words down let alone speak to a real person

[Janethegirl]

I certainly played the equivalent of doctors and nurses at an early age, but I don't particularly remember anything too traumatic. I think my worst memory was a girl who was v well developed who had a period when I (we) were very young and we were found looking at her vagina trying to work it out . We were grounded for days.....

[Janethegirl]

please counselling may well help you, but please find a counsellor you can trust

[pleasehelp25]

I don't think I'd be too scarred by the whole thing if it were just doctors and nurses type thing. It was definately worse than that.

[Janethegirl]

You may well gain something by speaking to an experienced counsellor, however I think it will depend on the counsellor and your rapport with them. I'm sorry I can't give you a more positive response. Maybe aibu isn't the best area in mumsnet to post this! Have you considered asking your GP for a referral?

[pleasehelp25]

I think speaking about it in rl will make it feel to 'real' if that makes any kind of sense.
For the best part of my life I have pushed it to the back of my mind and pretended it never happened. If I go to the gp and speak about it I can never pretend it didn't happen.

[Janethegirl]

No please you are definitely not an awful horrible person. .

[pleasehelp25]

And I didn't know where else to post :(

[pleasehelp25]

I don't know why it's all coming to the surface now, possibly because dh and I are drifting further apart. I'm very uncomfortable with intimacy and feel ashamed and guilty. I think dh would run a mile if I confided in him.

[Janethegirl]

Ok can you phone the Samaritans and discuss it confidentially without revealing any of your details, can't remember the number you dial before theirs to hide your number, if you feel the need to hide that.
Alternatively depending where you work, some employers give employees access to a support number for any issues.
Is either a possibility?

[MisForMumNotMaid]

Do you think it could help to talk anonymously first to an organisation like the samaritans?

Maybe saying it out loud, off any record, first will make it easier when you feel ready to speak about it in person.

[Writerwannabe83]

Why pretend it didn't happen? If it was possible to think like that then you'd already have banished it from memory.

You don't say how old you are now but this is obviously still at the forefront of your mind. If it hasn't gone away now then it probably won't unless you seek Counselling.

I'm a huge believer in Counselling and I definitely think it's something you should talk about. You never know, it may just be reassurance you need and for someone else to tell you that what happened was wrong. It's so sad how we can doubt our memories or try and explain things away when deep down we absolutely know that the way we feel is genuine and that our memories are real.

Good luck OP - you posting here is the first step, be brave enough to take the next one

[Janethegirl]

Counselling works for some people but not for others, your choice OP.

[gordyslovesheep]

you where BOTH children OP - little children - whatever she did and you did was not done to cause harm or hurt or with knowledge that it was sexual

it was a fun game

Please do talk to someone but also understand you did nothing but play a game you had no understanding of x

[pleasehelp25]

Thanks for replies, I think phoning Samaritans sounds like a good idea. I just want to get on with my life and let go of the guilt but I feel like it's something iv not dealt with and it feels like a horrible secret because iv never spoken about it.

[pleasehelp25]

Just writing it down and no one calling me horrible or disgusting has been helpful. I had braced myself for some horrible replies.

[Nospringflower]

If you discuss this with your GP they should refer you for psychological therapy via the NHS. This is definitely something that it would help for you to talk about and come to terms with. It definitely doesn't make you a bad person but it sounds like this is what you feel and believe and so need help with. Good luck. Posting here has been a brave first step to acknowledging this.

[Janethegirl]

You were very young and innocent at the time, you couldn't have been aware of any implications, you are hence clear of anything else. Please do not let this cause you any problems now or in the future. Discussion with a third party may help you resolve any potential issues, however remember you were an innocent child at the time.

[Viviennemary]

Have the counselling. But really you were a very small child at the time and neither of you had any idea that this play was even sexual. Please don't feel guilty. I think a specialist counsellor might be better than the Samaratins. You could ask your GP to be referred but don't need to say the nature of what you want to discuss.

[Janethegirl]

Best wishes please whatever you decide is right for you. Counseling may help but you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. You were a child.

[Runesigil]

I think you're looking at this situation in a rather skewed way. When you did those things, you did them as an innocent child, with no knowledge of what they were.

You are now looking back in time with an adult's knowledge and you're judging your child-self from that adult perspective. That's what's creating your unease now. You even said in your OP, "after growing up and realising what it was iv never really gotton over it."

Do you see, you need to be much more forgiving of your child-self, she didn't know what she was doing, she did it with no malice or bad intentions, it was just an innocent child's game, no more no less.

You need to accept that although you cannot change anything that has happened, you can change the way you look at it and realise you are not to blame. Hopefully that should bring you peace of mind. I think CBT works in this way but have no experience of it, perhaps you'd like to look into it as a possible way of helping you see you're punishing yourself for no reason.