To think there is no point to life without children

(55 Posts)
bouncingbelle Wed 04-Jun-14 15:49:50

I have been having fertility treatment for 4 years. Yesterday we reached the end of this journey due to a deterioration in my own health. I just want to die. I can't see a future without children in it. The idea of any more Christmases without a child in it (always the hardest time of year), any more holidays, birthdays, family get togethers, feel like a stab through my heart. Who is going to remember me when I die? I can't imagine a way forward from this. Has anyone been affected by involuntary childlessness and survived? (Adoption, though I would love this, is ruled out due to my own health) , the dr yesterday said to me "you,ve come through worse and you,ll get through this" but I don't think I will this time. I had an abortion 14 years ago and the stupidity of this decisions (although it felt so justified at the time) kills me more.

Is there any pointe going on?

MaryShelley Wed 04-Jun-14 15:54:19

I am so sorry you feel this way. Get through the rest of the day a minute at a time. I'm sure someone will come along who has a fulfilled life even though they'd are involuntarily childless

KoalaDownUnder Wed 04-Jun-14 15:55:14

Yes, there is a point in going on. But I know exactly how you feel. You are not as alone as you think. Hugs. x

SpringBreaker Wed 04-Jun-14 15:57:24

There is every point to go on. I cant have children of my own. It has took me a long time to come to terms with it, but it does get easier, it honestly does.

I have stepchildren who are now all adults.. I have close friends whose children adore me as their godmother who has fun with them.

There is so much to life, that doesnt have to involve children.

FreeSpirit89 Wed 04-Jun-14 15:57:56

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Just take the day one step at a time. Have a relax, you don't know what's around the corner. Maybe you could look at a surrogate?

Whatutalkinboutwillis Wed 04-Jun-14 15:58:29

You poor thing my heart is breaking for you reading your post.

In reality there is nothing I can say to make this easier for you right now, only time will do that.

I have had 6 failed Ivf myself I know the utter devastation it causes. To come to the end of the road and know there will be no more is heartbreaking.

In time you will think clearer. It's not the same I know but there is lots of ways you can have kids in your life, not the same as having your own I know but in time you have to replan your life. For now cry, hide away until you feel a little better.

Have you spoken to a few adoption agencies? You never know. My friend was turned down by 3 and accepted by the 4th with a ongoing health condition. I don't know your situation so it's hard to advice.

Just be kind to yourself, life is worth it and you can be a happy person without kids. You are strong to have come through all you have - you will get through this.

JockTamsonsBairns Wed 04-Jun-14 16:06:37

I'm so sorry to read what you're going through, it sounds utterly heartbreaking. I came on to this thread to say of course there is a point to life without children, but that's probably not appropriate now that I've read your OP. I wish you some happiness ahead.

bouncingbelle Wed 04-Jun-14 16:07:02

Thank you for your lovely messages. I,ve just locked the doors today, I can't face anyone. I really appreciate the support.

GrendelsMinim Wed 04-Jun-14 16:09:10

There's a website called Gateway Women, I think, set up by a woman in similar circumstances to you, which might help?

mummymeister Wed 04-Jun-14 16:09:38

keep the doors locked and stay inside until you feel ready to face the world. you have had a terrible shock and you are grieving for the life you cant now have. give yourself some time. ask family and friends for support. then when you feel ready start exploring other options that may be open to you. please, please be gentle on yourself. none of this is your fault.

xvxvxvxvxvxvxvxv Wed 04-Jun-14 16:10:34

YABU
You must mean the world to your partner and others
There are people in my life without children who have confided in me they would of loved to have their own. These people are very dear to my family. Not having children doesn't mean we love them any less.

ManchesterAunt Wed 04-Jun-14 16:12:18

Close the doors and the curtains and grieve.

You don't have to decide today, or this month, or this year what will give your life meaning - but there is one and one day you will fond it, I promise.

OP, I am 49 and was not able to have children after having cancer. Yes of course it's dreadful when you are where you now, but believe me when I say that a life without children can be rich, meaningful and full of joy.

My childless cousin died recently (he had cancer)- the chapel was PACKED full of his family, his friends, his colleagues, who all wanted to pay tribute to the most amazing man, who lived with courage, dignity and integrity, and put so much back even when he was dying. I can also point to my late 94 year old great aunt, loved and adored by family members, and a whole selection of friends, gay, straight, married, widowed, single - all without DC who live amazing lives full of laughter, friends, voluntary service, faith, animals, community service, employment, and fun.

Please let yourself grieve and then rebuild a life for yourself. Please feel free to PM if you wish. It will be different to what you wanted, maybe painful at times but can take you to some amazing places.

You need time to get over your feelings of loss, you sound like you are in a lot of pain at the moment. I wonder if your life has also been so focussed on the fertility journey that its hard for you to imagine that it could have any other purpose right now. Give yourself time and have some counselling if you need it.

Lottapianos Wed 04-Jun-14 16:46:53

Take time to grieve OP. Locking the doors and holing up for now sounds like a good plan. I'm so sorry about your very sad news.

When/if you feel like it, the Gateway Women forum is absolutely fab - full of women who wanted to be mothers but didn't/couldn't. They are all at various stages of healing and its an extremely supportive place. But take your time - do what you feel like doing for now. Keep posting if it helps

SocialMediaAddict Wed 04-Jun-14 17:01:03

Take one day at time. Huge hugs.

fluffyraggies Wed 04-Jun-14 17:28:26

flowers

Time will slowly heal this pain. Take as much of it as you need, and take care of yourself. YOU are a precious life too x

DinoSnores Wed 04-Jun-14 17:33:40

Lots of hugs. This sounds very hard.

Be assured that, even without children, you and your DH ARE a family. I hate the phrase "starting a family". For me and DH, we started our family on the day we got married, whether or not we would have children later on.

I really hope that there will be children in your life at some point. I know they won't be yours biologically but I am so grateful for the people who have taken me, and now my children, under their wings and been honorary grandmothers/fathers, aunts/uncles, big brothers/sister, godparents etc. In some cases, I have far better relationships with them than I do with my actual parents.

Locking the doors and hiding under the duvet sounds very normal and what's needed at the moment. Hope you and DH can be gentle with each other as you come to terms with it all.

flowers

MiniTheMinx Wed 04-Jun-14 17:41:27

I feel so sorry you are facing pain, do what you have to do for now, cry, hide away, eat, throw something, whatever you need to do. As others have said, some day soon you will find something that you feel gives your life meaning.

When you think of all the wonderful beautiful paintings, writing and music created that we all attach meaning to, that stays with us through generations, much of it was written by people who felt pain, faced terrific hurdles, and probably at the time felt no one much would remember them. Human beings, all and each and everyone are special and their lives have had meaning, yours has too even if it doesn't feel this way at the moment.

Itisafact Wed 04-Jun-14 17:47:20

I've been having fertility treatment for a few years and at the beginning I felt exactly like you. Felt there was no point in anything and I felt angry all the time.

I'm still going through treatment but my outlook and quality of live has drastically improved. I'm lucky to have children I love very much in my family and siblings who allow me too play a huge part in their childrens lives.

I also appreciate my relationship with my husband a lot more than I used too.

I hope you can find a way to enjoy your life soon, it's a path that is so hard to travel. X

Wishyouwould Wed 04-Jun-14 17:47:24

So sorry you feel this way OP, my heart goes out to you.

We went through years of infertility and many failed IVF attempts before we were blessed. I can remember feeling that my life would be pointless without DC and felt that I wouldn't want to be here if I couldn't have a child. My best friend in the world is unable to have children and it took her a long time to come to terms with the fact that she would never become a Mum. She says the pain never leaves you but you learn to live with it and choose a different way of life.

Time, counselling and support from family and friends has helped my friend come to terms with it. She has compared it to the loss of her beloved Dad, in a way it is a loss and you need time to grieve.

I am truly sorry flowers

bouncingbelle Wed 04-Jun-14 17:50:31

Thank you all, your words have made me cry but in a nice way. I also found the gateway women website thanks to the recommendations here - I'm not at a stage yet where I can read it all but even the first page, about still counting, still mattering and still rocking made me smile.

About three hours ago my life was very very dark - thank you all for being a candle in a real crisis point. It's not over (not by a long way) but I'm starting to feel like I can breathe a bit again.

ThaneOfScunthorpe Wed 04-Jun-14 17:52:44

I'm so sorry, I can only imagine the pain you're feeling. I agree that you and your DH ARE a family. I hope you can work through this together.

Sending you my thoughts. You sound like a lovely person and I'm sure you are someone who means a great deal to a lot of people.

Bunbaker Wed 04-Jun-14 18:00:26

"but believe me when I say that a life without children can be rich, meaningful and full of joy."

^^ This is so true.

When I was still in my 20s I was told that I couldn't have children. I decided that life was too short to spend it feeling disappointed and that I had missed out. It is so destructive and pointless. So I seized the opportunity to do things I couldn't have done if I had had children.

I did finally get pregnant at 41 and have a beautiful daughter. I hear you say "but it's alright for you".

I can assure you that having children is a wonderful thing, but it has caused me so much worry and heartbreak along the way. My life has changed since DD was born, but it isn't better just different.

If you spend your life dwelling on what might have been then you will end up in a downward spiral. Having children isn't the be all and end all of living. It is just one aspect of life.

I am so sorry that you feel this way. Is there any way that you can come to terms with it by seeking professional help?

MrsChickPea Wed 04-Jun-14 18:06:00

Lots of hugs and kisses. I am so sorry. I have no idea what to say, BUT ... (and please no one shoot me for this). THIS IS MY STORY & MY FEELINGS - WE ALL FEEL DIFFERENTLY. Sometimes we want things we can't have. I never wanted a child (had an abortion age 21 - no regrets). Then mid 30s I really did want a child with my husband. Everywhere I looked everyone was pregnant or had a pushchair. I couldn't get pregnant. My sisters couldn't get pregnant. It was unfair and horrible. I tried IVF, I was very lucky it worked. Have one DC. 2nd attempt failed. Love him to pieces - he is the light of my life. However, I do sometimes get jealous of my sisters (who can jet about all over the place as and when they feel like it with their partners). They probably gets jealous of me sometimes too I expect. Children are hard work (and perhaps as I was older - mid 30s - when I had DC) - I do sometimes long for the days before DC when I could do what I wanted when I wanted and not worry so much. I worry constantly about DC and although I could never be without him now I have him, I do wonder why we have children in this day and age. I am worried about him having friends, what he'll see on the computer, how he'll grow up. It's a never ending worry (perhaps that's just me). My sisters have thanked me for my honesty about this (they say everyone with children usually says how lovely it is, or never tells it how it is). We all obviously have different stories to tell as we all have different personalities, different lives and are individual people and cope with life in our own ways.
I would probably have been exactly as you are if my IVF attempt failed. I just don't know. Hindsight/foresight are wonderful things. You say you can't adopt, but perhaps you could consider fostering, becoming a childminder? I know that's not the same as having your own child, but it would give you perhaps a little of both worlds. I know I'm not helping, or wording this right, but however much you want a child, at the end of the day you still need to be you and love yourself. Children will eventually get up and go - you still need your own life and to be happy with that. Sending lots of love and hugs and cuddles your way.
I hope this is OK. Please no one be mean to me. I've probably said this all wrong.xxx

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