To still be fuming about this?

(62 Posts)

Two weekends ago 'D'H informed me that he thinks I am autistic. The reason is that he'd read a quiz in a paper (probably DM) and it listed 10 things and that I'm all of them, says he. He seems totally serious about this. He says that I don't like being touched, and he thinks we don't have sex enough and he says I'm not affectionate towards him- this, he says, must be because I'm autistic (not because he's an abusive d*ckhead and I don't find him attractive). Of course there is more backstory here and I hope what I've written sounds sarcastic as I intended (as I'm doubting how I come across now), as I'm not giving this 'diagnosis' one bit of credence. I know people with real autism in their families, have friends with autistic children and I know what the reality of that means.

But... I've been googling away and think I definitely have aspergers traits. Which means I can accept that I sometimes find social situations difficult, explains a lot of things, as to why I often come across as aloof, get terribly anxious in some situations, enjoy routine, etc.

I tried to discuss this with H who brushed it off, said I should go to G P because I 'definitely have autism'. Absolutely zero attempt to understand what 'autism' really means. (And I did mention it to GP last week as I was there for something else, who said NO and put a note on my file to that effect.)

I am still fuming. I cannot stop thinking about it, especially as I went along with it for a bit rather than stopping him when he first said it. I think it's the idea that he wants me to be diagnosed with a problem so he can be involved in the 'fixing' of the problem that is creeping me out at the moment.

I just wanted a MN straw poll- am I being unreasonable to think that his labelling of me in this way is so, so wrong on many levels?

I hope I haven't offended anyone affected by real autism.

If he's an abusive dickhead leave him!

That will magically cure all your problems

BlackeyedSusan Wed 04-Jun-14 07:49:42

introvert?

RachelWatts Wed 04-Jun-14 07:51:28

Does he think autism is something which can be 'fixed' then?

I don't have direct experience, but my understanding is that autism cannot be fixed and is something that is lived with, and that if someone with autism has got to adulthood without a diagnosis then they probably have adequate coping mechanisms already.

MostlyMama Wed 04-Jun-14 07:52:30

Laurie thats not very helpful, of course I am sure she wants to LTB but its not always so straightfoward is it.

CeliaFate Wed 04-Jun-14 07:54:19

The trouble with labels is that they prescribe behaviour. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy iyswim.

Your husband sounds like a twat. Trust your instincts and go back to a professional for advice on what to do. I suggest a divorce lawyer.

YouTheCat Wed 04-Jun-14 07:55:05

He is indeed a dickhead if he believes you can 'fix' autism.

He doesn't sound like he respects you much tbh. Maybe he needs 'fixing'?

CeliaFate Wed 04-Jun-14 07:55:29

Is there a chance that your husband's "diagnosis" means that of course nothing is HIS fault, it must all be yours as you have a "problem".
Very convenient for him.

HannerHet Wed 04-Jun-14 07:56:11

Why are you with him? Seriously?
He has you doubting yourself

mumtosome61 Wed 04-Jun-14 07:56:55

YNBU to be angry about being labelled, certainly based on a fucking quiz in a paper. You may have aspergers traits - but only a doctor or professional can diagnose that, not your husband who reads a list that could well account for many people in society.

Maybe your traits are a reaction to your abusive dickhead of a husband? Abuse can leave people very anxious in numerous situations, preference over routine and uncertainty in social situations. I know I'd react in a similar way if I had an abusive partner (mainly because I have).

shellistar Wed 04-Jun-14 07:57:19

Lots of people have Aspergers/Autistic traits! There is such a massive spectrum and with it only really recently being understood and accepted as a condition I think there is so much we don't really understand about it. I know I have autistic traits but I know I'm not autistic. My little brother is officially on the lower end of the spectrum so I can see how his condition affects him and how massively different my "traits" are to his actual triggers.

Your partner sounds like a total knob though.

mumtosome61 Wed 04-Jun-14 07:58:23

Have had an abusive partner, I mean - not currently!

I'm just so offended, usually insults just slide off me but this one has really affected me, perhaps because there is a grain of truth but I don't want to give him credit for his 'diagnosis'!

Yes I'm looking for a document-able reason to LTB... He's been verbally, emotionally abusive for years but its only in the past year I've realised the extent of it. And I still cannot quite see it- probably because I'm autistic? hmm

Chocotrekkie Wed 04-Jun-14 08:01:45

I think he is trying to "blame" you for the problems in the relationship.

"You're on the autistic spectrum" so it's your fault not his.

Even if you are autistic he would need to accept this and look to working with you to manage it the best you both can.

celia that's exactly what was in the back of my mind, thanks.

Thanks for all the comments, been eating away at me this week but I don't want to ask friends about it!

I think that focusing on what he said to you just gives him power, it's what you think about yourself that's important.

You don't need a documentable reason to leave someone who is awful to you and that you don't find attractive

Even if you had aspergic traits there is nothing wrong with you. You are clearly articulate and emotionally able to see that he is abusive towards you.

RobotLover68 Wed 04-Jun-14 08:04:14

Yes, I was going to suggest introversion as well - I'm an introvert although people would be surprised - look into that instead and see if you recognise yourself

Eebahgum Wed 04-Jun-14 08:05:13

Has he any experience with autism? I've worked with a lot of children who are on the spectrum and think I'm quite good at spotting traits, but am still not supposed to tell parents if I think I've spotted traits because I'm not qualified to make a diagnosis. I suspect dh isn't either but your gp is. Fwiw, autism is a spectrum and everyone has some autistic traits - but some people have more than others and they get a diagnosis. More men than women are diagnosed so it's more likely he is autistic than you are. There are as many differences between two autistic people as two non autistic people, so it's not very helpful to stick them in the same box. And, whilst it sounds like he used the term as some kind of put down, people with autism have wonderful, fascinating traits too. Whether you are or aren't isn't a bad thing.

hackmum Wed 04-Jun-14 08:05:39

Like BlackeyedSusan said, you're probably just an introvert. I have some of those characteristics you mention (quite anxious, likes routine) but it doesn't mean I'm autistic. Your DH sounds like an unpleasant character.

AElfgifu Wed 04-Jun-14 08:08:39

Autism is notorious for the phenomenon of false self diagnosis, Autistic traits are normal traits in unusual combinations and within a different range.

EVERYONE who looks up autistic traits WILL recognise themselves to some extent.

The fact that you looked up the traits and recognised yourself makes you a normal person.

The fact that your partner is using this to accuse and bully you and make you doubt your own neurology, makes him a very abusive, manipulative and dangerous man.

You are right to be angry with him. You should remove yourself and any DC from earshot, permanently, at the first possible opportunity.

londonrach Wed 04-Jun-14 08:09:56

I remember that quiz. Dh also suggested I might be (I'm dyslexic) We both did the test, guess who was more autistic! grin. It was a 5 min test that was weighted in such a way. Interesting but no way a correct tool for dx.

I'm definitely an introvert and that's ok with me. H I'd definitely an extrovert and thinks everyone else should be too. I think he meant to insult me with the label of autistic and yes I'm being ridiculous to take it as seriously as I am but am examining this current situation as it seems sort of clearly abusive to me. People have been telling me he's abusive for years, usually in the form of 'oh you are such a SAINT to put up with him' and I'm fed up with it, I've let him get away with it for all these years so am thinking I have somehow colluded in creating this situation.

But since his 'diagnosis' I've been wondering if I do lack so much emotional intelligence that its not really my fault, that I really haven't been able to see that he's abusive because I'm ever so slightly autistic?

Sorry, you cannot see it because you're autistic? Did I read that right or were you also being sarcastic?

He does all sorts of mental emotional financial type abuse but you need a documentable reason to leave?

I'm refraining from further for now. Just re read your own posts eh?

Your not a saint or a tiny bit autistic.

Dunno stupid comes under either one of those.

london can you remember where that quiz was? I've asked H as I want to look at the questions, but he says he can't remember where he saw it. D*ckhead.

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