Nanny and cooking - AIBU

[Passthedamnhamplease]

I do a nanny share with another family. We have similar age toddlers. It's always been at the other family's house from when they joined us for various reasons - she is much more neurotic than me about her DD plus they have a bigger house. She was always worried about her sleeping and settling somewhere else. Anyway, I have always just rolled with it.
There have been several annoying things that have just been presented to me as a fait accompli around pay and holidays, but my DD loves the nanny so I've put up with it.

However now I have been told the nanny will no longer make tea as my DD only sleeps for 90 mins at lunchtime and it isn't enough time if she wants to have a break and tidy up the house. So this means I will now have to prepare food to send over every day. The other DD will obviously just have whatever is in their fridge. We had agreed an amount for food that I paid before.

I feel a bit annoyed by this. I am a single working mum and I already have to get him dressed and up and drop him off - it's a drive away - and now I also have to think about cooking a packed dinner for him too. She will still do a sandwich for lunch. I am fully prepared to be told IABU which is why I thought I'd put it to the vote on here. It is always a relief for me sunday night that I don't have to think about food for a few days and the nanny has always been great with food, cooking varied meals from scratch.

So as not to drip feed, there are a few other issues - the nanny does 1 morning in the week where she comes to mine to pick up DD and always leaves the dirty nappy in DD's room, plus my parents were here last week and said she was on her phone for the whole 2 hours she was here plus left DD at the top of the stairs on her own while she was texting in the sitting room. Maybe not relevant - but I suppose I already feel a bit unhappy with the arrangement, then suddenly there is this food thing too.

So mumsnet, AIBU? Hard hat on and bracing myself!

[sparechange]

Didn't want to read and run but it doesn't sound like this is working for you.
Is the nanny saying that she needs that 90 mins to tidy the house of the other mindee? What on earth are they doing in the morning that takes 90 mins of tidying? Or is this laundry/housework? If so, is that reflected in the price you both pay? Surely the priority should be to get both children fed and then do the housework in the leftover time, rather than the other way around?
Is it time to start looking around for an alternative?

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

I don't get it. Presumably the nanny is making tea for both children, so there would be no time-saving making it for only one. I think the nanny is taking the piss and I don't understand why the other mother can't see that.

When I was a nanny looking after three children, I made three meals a day and tidied up the house with no break till I got home in the evenings. Putting on martydom hat

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

OK, I've re-read you post now and understand that she'll not be making tea for either of them, is that right?

If the nanny needs more than 90 minutes a day for tidying up when does she pop round to your house and do yours?

Time for a new nanny. This one's an arse

[ZenNudist]

How old is your dd? Agree its time to find alternative.

[Burren]

I'm confused, OP. Who has 'told' you that the nanny will no longer cook an evening meal for your daughter? Even if the childminding actually takes place in the other family's house, don't you co-employ the nanny? Why then are you being dictated to?

[isabellavine]

How does the financial arrangement work? Do the other family pay more for the extra services they get, as the Nanny is also tidying their house, and presumably not doing yours also? You may have grounds to negotiate the cost down a bit as there is now an extra thing for you to do.

[Iggly]

Your nanny is taking the piss. As is the other family.

The clue is in the title. It is a nanny share, not a "other family fits in with existing arrangements".

Also 90 mins is plenty of time and most nannies don't get a break!

I would find a new nanny. Your child will be fine.

[3catsnokids]

I don't know whether the food thing is normal in the world of nannying or not, but if someone in charge of my child was on their phone for 2 hours I would find alternative care. If she will do that while your parents are there what will she do when they're not?

[expatinscotland]

Sounds like they might be taking the piss out of you.

[Passthedamnhamplease]

Thanks for the replies.

Yes, we pay equally. I found her and she worked for me for the first few months. It was tough financially but I had to go back to work early and wanted to continue breastfeeding and nanny seemed like the only way (DD was 3 months). Then this family joined at 6 months and initially asked for it to be at theirs to help their DD settle then every time I have asked to do a week here and a week there, they have found a reason not to agree to it.

Last time I asked to make it a proper share, saying it felt like a childminder arrangement for me, the other mum said how it isn't easy for them either as there is so much wear and tear on their house and burst into tears. So I have just left things as I know DD loves the nanny and generally I think she is good.

I only just found out about the phone thing.

I feel like I am co-funding their nanny arrangement and I do feel like they are taking the piss out of me, but as I said, I wasn't sure if I was just being emotional and therefore unreasonable.

[Florin]

Taking the piss. I am a sahm and my nearly 2 year old often has no nap at all however he still has to have dinner so I have to make it while he is awake. Not exactly hard to cook a bit of chicken, sausages, pasta etc with fresh veggies with them under your feet. Could you agree to a few shortcuts being kept in the freezer for those emergency days like frozen mash, fresh pasta etc for when kids are playing up.

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

Someone's taking the piss but I haven't worked out whether it's just the nanny, the other parent or both.

If this proposed new arrangement doesn't suit, say so.

[Passthedamnhamplease]

I have actually started to look into childminders. DD is now 2 so I think this or a nursery setting could work better and be more regulated. Plus I am about to go permanent at work so will get childcare vouchers finally which I wouldn't be able to spend with nanny. Hurrah!

[Passthedamnhamplease]

Florin I manage it too 3 days a week! Not really sure why she can't.

[BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure]

YANBU.

[skivingatwork]

YANBU.

you've got it spot on when you say for you it is more of a childminder arrangement and you're funding a nanny for the other family.

You've tried to reason with the other family and the mum is acting like a knob so I'd seriously consider giving notice. Your child likes this nanny but she'd also like another nanny just as much.

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

"The other mum said how it isn't easy for them either as there is so much wear and tear on their house and burst into tears."

Oh nice. So, you're having the piss taken out of you and you're being manipulated into the bargain. What sort of fucking "wear and tear" does an extra toddler cause?

[Iggly]

Don't let the mum emotionally blackmail you!

[Vintagejazz]

I would definitely be extricating myself from any joint arrangement with the other mother. She sounds totally self centred and just expects you to go along with what suits her. Not a healthy 'partnership'.

[mathanxiety]

1
Nanny at home while your parents were there -- had there been any conversation about who was in charge of the DC while your parents were there? What were your parents doing if not enjoying their grandchild's company for two hours on that one day? Was the nanny supposed to hover nearby if your parents were playing with him? This sounds like a communication problem in other words.

2
A slow cooker might solve your meal problems.

3.
Nappy left in room -- slovenly. But what have you said to her about this? Is this another communication problem?

I am also wondering how the payment is worked out do they pay extra for the cleaning up or how do you share that part of the nanny's pay is it assumed both children contribute equally to the mess or is the nanny, for instance, doing laundry for the other household or for the other child, or cleaning their stovetop, wiping down their counters and microwave, giving the loo a swipe with disinfectant, etc..

Since she says she needs more than an hour and a half to have a break and clean up I would guess she thinks she has at least half an hour off per day, and I wonder how she got that idea. I wonder too, if she is in need of half an hour to an hour to clean up if she is in fact doing housework for the other family. A sensible approach to picking up after the DCs would be to do it as much as possible as you go along. Either the nanny is not organised or experienced enough to do it this way or she is in fact doing housework for the other family.

I would start looking for another nanny no matter how much the DC seems to like this one. If you got someone who was answerable only to you I think you would be happier (as long as you are willing to be very detailed in your instructions and give feedback every so often).

[redandchecker]

There seems to be a communication break down here and now things are building up.
You need to speak - it's most likely a case that the other family don't realise that you feel the arrangement is unfair, they haven't thought much about the fact that you have to do more but pay the same. You need to voice this to agree on an equal arrangement.

When the nanny does things you don't like you have to voice this in a reasonable way - sometimes people just need to be told to realise how someone else is feeling - if you keep leaving it, it will carry on, the nanny won't realise things are bothering you so will think you are happy and so will the family so not only will this continue, it will probably get worse and more things will 'niggle' you until you blow!

[mathanxiety]

Sorry -- x posted with lots of people. Got up to have a cuppa...

[mathanxiety]

I think you are actually finding their housekeeper, not just their nanny..

[mathanxiety]

funding,,

[Passthedamnhamplease]

Mathanxiety, she comes 1 morning a week to help out. Maybe you are right about it being a communication problem. And again probably right re the dirty nappies - but I know she would never do that at the other house.

Slow cooker for me or for her?

Either way, I can't afford a nanny for just me so it will be nursery/childminder next (and I think DD is ready for a different setting now at 2), and I am going to look into this. it may take a few months to sort though.

But good to know that my feelings of being taken the piss out of aren't unreasonable!