To not want to go to wedding without ds

(447 Posts)
BettyBoo246 Tue 03-Jun-14 10:27:03

My dh is best man at his friends wedding in 3 weeks time. We have a 8 mo ds. He has just spoken to his bf (groom) who has now said there is no child/baby policy at the ceremony.
This is obviously their choice - I have said therefore if my ds is not invited then I will not be attending. My dh now thinks I'm being mardy and bitter! Yes it has upset me that they have only just told us this rule after a year and that they think I can't control my ds, but I do understand it's their big day.
My dmil is already looking after ds when it's the meal/speeches etc and then for part of the night do etc so I don't really want to put on her anymore. Aibu to say if my ds is not coming neither am I?

BettyBoo246 Tue 03-Jun-14 10:47:45

I'm not saying I don't go to all of it just the ceremony

Only1scoop Tue 03-Jun-14 10:49:08

As T and B says....

He is not invited.

Don't put them in an awkward position now by asking this and that.

You already had your Mil lined up ....if you feel that bad.... leave the night do a bit earlier so she doesn't have to have him all night.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Tue 03-Jun-14 10:49:54

Why not hits talk to your mil and she what she says.

I think yabu for planning to miss the ceremony and only being there for the party. I love the ceremony bit, you know, where they actually get married...

The ceremony is the important part of it though. I don't get why you're prepared to leave your DS all afternoon and evening but not for the actual ceremony when there is the most potential for disruption/distraction. Either go for the whole thing or stay away citing babysitting problems and let a lot of people down.

flowery Tue 03-Jun-14 10:51:01

If you don't want your MIL to take him for that long, then what you do it attend the ceremony and miss the party. Not the other way round.

ajandjjmum Tue 03-Jun-14 10:52:32

Your baby is used to being away from you (which I personally think is a really good thing!) and your DH is best man. Maybe he needs your support? If you MIL doesn't mind, plan to have a fun, baby free day with your DH! smile

BettyBoo246 Tue 03-Jun-14 10:53:36

I have suggested to dh that if his dm has ds from the morning then we should really leave early at the night, but he has gone mad at that suggestion saying he wants to party the night away (even though he would of just come back from a week in Spain on the stag do)

SpringBreaker Tue 03-Jun-14 10:53:56

"And yes I can control him and make sure he doesn't cry, shout etc he is really good when out but again I understand not everyone's lo's are."

I beg you to share this secret.. Every other parent in the world would love to know how you can do this with a baby.

Gileswithachainsaw Tue 03-Jun-14 10:54:03

Yabu. It's not personal they just don't want babies or children there. That's their choice and don't see a problem. Your Ds will be fine. Not going just because your baby can't is just petty tbh.

LoonvanBoon Tue 03-Jun-14 10:54:55

I think they should have told you this much, much earlier, given that your DH is the best man & so a key part of the day - & presumably you were pregnant when they started planning the wedding?

My DH was a best man when our twins were 8 months old. The wedding was some distance from home & we didn't have babysitters, so we certainly wouldn't both have accepted a wedding invitation if babies hadn't been welcome. Having said that, DH did discuss this with his friend when he was asked to be best man just in case it would be an issue. Was your DH told that your son would be invited? If so, I think it's very bad form for his friend to change that policy with 3 weeks to go.

I agree with other posters, though, that in practice it's not that big an issue for you as your MIL is going to be there & is happy to babysit. And I certainly don't think it's about anyone's views as to whether you can "control" your baby - though I'll be the first to admit I couldn't "control" mine at that age! And at the wedding I mentioned above, I did end up missing the entire ceremony anyway as my twins chose to wait until a minute before it started to do explosive shits in tandem. I had to remove them & escape to the nearest loo / baby change to attempt damage limitation.

Thurlow Tue 03-Jun-14 10:55:14

I'd swap it around. You go for the ceremony and dinner, leaving DS with your MIL, then leave your DH to party the night away and you collect DS.

ThinkIveBeenHacked Tue 03-Jun-14 10:56:15

You could leave after the reception and dh could stay on to enjoy the nught time.

BettyBoo246 Tue 03-Jun-14 10:57:04

Plus we bought him a lovely suit to wear that cost a fortune which will now go to waste. They av said all children welcome in the evening but ds is a stickler for being in bed at 7.30

lucidlady Tue 03-Jun-14 10:57:06

YABU. It's their wedding - their choice. Don't cut your nose off to spite your face. And I say this as someone who attended a child free wedding at the weekend, and left my PFB with her grandparents 2 hours away. She was fine, I was fine. It's nothing to do with you being able to control your child - who knows what floodgates will be opened if they make an exception for you? How many other children will have to be invited?

Bowlersarm Tue 03-Jun-14 11:00:08

Well the fact that you bought him a suit is irrelevant really. He isn't invited to the wedding.

BettyBoo246 Tue 03-Jun-14 11:02:20

Hang on why should dh get to party the night away but I have to leave early? It's mine and his baby we are both responsible for ds, it's my friends wedding as we as is, I disagree that I come home and he gets to stay! Like I say he will have just come back from a weeks holiday in Spain.

Only1scoop Tue 03-Jun-14 11:02:22

Return the suit if you have the receipt....probably would have drove him mad wearing it anyway. I'm sure he will enjoy a day with granny.

bridgetsmum Tue 03-Jun-14 11:02:43

Have you even asked your mil if she would be happy to have your ds for an extra 3 or 4 hours.
Probably won't make much difference, I know if I was babysitting for someone going to a wedding it wouldn't matter whether child was being dropped at 11am or 3pm.

ZenGardener Tue 03-Jun-14 11:03:20

I don't think it's a big deal if you don't go to the ceremony. I'm sure no one will notice. Just go in the evening as planned.

Ruebarb Tue 03-Jun-14 11:03:59

I don't see the problem - leave him with mil for the ceremony and the meal/speeches - pick him up in time to do his bedtime - evening dos are rather overrated - loud music and people getting drunk. You will be there for the important parts - ceremony and meal/speeches.
Can you take suit back to shop?

WooWooOwl Tue 03-Jun-14 11:04:02

It woudo be incredibly rude of you to not go to the ceremony and then turn up for the meal and the party.

If you don't want to leave your ds for so long, then why can't you leave early and let DH get on with celebrating as best man. There's no rule that says you have to leave at the same time, and your mil can't be far away from the wedding if you were planning on dropping your ds off half way through.

Only1scoop Tue 03-Jun-14 11:04:10

Don't leave early then....sounds like your mil has your ds quite often for you so probably wouldn't mind....

You don't sound that guilty to me.

BettyBoo246 Tue 03-Jun-14 11:04:24

Spring breaker like I said he's a good baby he rarely cries/screams only if tired/hungry. I'm not asking them to make one rule for me etc etc I'm saying ok ds can't go but that poss means I can't!

you have it backwards IMVHO

Theres a very simple solution.

Drop ds with MIL for ceremony
Pick up ds, put him in his suit, go to evening part
Leave with ds when he is tired, dh can come stay and enjoy the night, as the groom is his best friend.

WooWooOwl Tue 03-Jun-14 11:07:12

Hang on why should dh get to party the night away but I have to leave early?

Because you are the one that's offended at your ds not going to the ceremony, and you are the one who's not happy to leave your ds for too long.

You presumably have the option of being there for the same amount of time as your DH, it is your choice not to take it.

If it's your friend as well as your DHs, then you should want to be there for the important part of the day, the ceremony, but you aren't bothered about that bit, so you shouldn't get to dictate which bits you are happy with and which bits you aren't.

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