AIBU or is Dh?

(18 Posts)
kansasmum Mon 26-May-14 14:54:26

A few weeks ago I agreed to have my teenage nephew to stay for 2 nights because my sister and her Dh wanted to go away for there anniversary.
She has had my ds on a few occasions including when we went to Dublin for a w/e.
I did mention it to Dh but he was originally going to be away hiking on the moor with a mate so wasn't an issue. However plans changed and he's now not going hiking.

Bit of backstory - my Dsis has a bit of a habit of running to my parents when short of money although it's always for things like a holiday, new car or new kitchen ( to name just 3!) and my dad died last year and it's been me sorting out solicitor etc regards to his estate. Dsis has done very little except moan how she's had to wait for her inheritance. My mum will do anything to avoid upsetting my sister and my sister has used this over the years to get her own way.

My Dh thinks my Dsis takes the piss a lot with my mum and says I should make a fuss to my mum and say how out of line my sister is. But if my mum wants to give my sister cash it's up to her- none of my business.
Dsis asked mum for an advance on her money a couple of weeks ago which she hit and Dh for done reason is livid and is now in a massive sulk about nephew being here. When Dbil dropped him off Dh went upstairs and wouldn't come down and say hello. Bloody childish.
Dh thinks I am wrong to have agreed to have my nephew and us frankly behaving like a child and I'm really pissed off.
Dh is currently on 3 week break before starting new job and hadn't planned any activities with ds over this week.
So AIBU or is he?

poorfoxyloxy Mon 26-May-14 14:58:37

yanbu, he should grow up and not take it out on your nephew and not be such a grump. It's two nights.

FidelineandFumblin Mon 26-May-14 14:58:47

He is. Why does he care so much? Your family, not his, after all.

Your DH has no right to be "livid" that your Mum has decided to give money to her DD.

To take it out on your Nephew, his children's cousin, is very wrong.

I would have serious issue with any adult who behaved in that way towards a child, it is emotionally abusive.

PrincessBabyCat Mon 26-May-14 15:30:14

I can understand his frustration if you guys are sorting all the details and she's just having fun and dumping her kid on you.

But, it's not his nephew's fault and he shouldn't be taking it out on him. Tell to man up and just enjoy his nephew for a couple days. Does he have an issue with him, or is it hate the child by proxy?

Vinomcstephens Mon 26-May-14 15:31:15

I do sometimes think the word "abuse" is used a bit too quickly on here. Your husband isn't being emotionally abusive, but he IS being a pratt. If he's got the arse about something that's between your sister and your mum fine, but he shouldn't be taking it out on anyone so he needs to shrug off this sulk and get on with it. You are most definitely not being unreasonable, your husband most definitely is!

kansasmum Mon 26-May-14 15:33:50

He's not being horrible to my nephew be wouldn't do that. He ignored my bil when he dropped nephew off.
Glad its not just me that thinks he's wrong to be grumpy.

Nomama Mon 26-May-14 15:44:06

Ah, but he has every right to be grumpy. In fact his merely subtracting himself from a situation is positively saintly.

You see, he loves this woman, a lot. He thinks the world of her. The absolute world. He would do anything for her. Anything to make her smile, lighten her load, make her happy. But he has a problem.... this woman he loves so much has a sister. This sister makes the woman he lives work hard to keep her happy. Their mother also keeps the woman he loves in a wholly subservient, inferior position to the sister.

This man can't stand the way his beautiful, kind, selfless wife is treated by her family, but finds it difficult to explain as every time he does it comes out as though he is denigrating her family... and he see the hurt in her eyes. He can't bear that.

Just today he had to watch the sister's DH bring their kid to his door for his beautiful wife to look after, whilst her sister goes off on a holiday their mum has paid for. He feels sad and angry, mainly confused. He can see looking after her nephew makes his wife happy, but can also see that her family is taking advantage of her (again). He just walked away so he didn't tell the husband to take his kid and sod off.... it was really just as well it was the husband, he may have been hard pressed to ignore the self centred, whining sister.

In short, this apparently charmless man is confused and upset that his beautiful wife allows herself to be put upon like this and shouts at him when he wants to object, to free her of her familial chains.

... maybe!

Raskova Mon 26-May-14 15:51:01

Beautiful post no mama.

Are you the Ops husband?

wowfudge Mon 26-May-14 15:53:27

Very inciteful Nomama - you're bloody good at this!

kansasmum Mon 26-May-14 15:57:09

You may have a point Nomama however I just wish he would make an effort for just 2 days. We hardly ever have my niece or nephew to stay over so I do think he should get on with it this time.

Nomama Mon 26-May-14 15:57:46

I bow and I blush smile

I have a track record with ILs. It took about 10 years for DH to stop me acting like a doormat!

PrincessBabyCat Mon 26-May-14 16:04:11

Oh, well if he's fine with his nephew I don't see the issue.

Yes, what nomama said. No one likes watching their DP getting taken advantage of or being mistreated.

LayMeDown Mon 26-May-14 16:19:00

OP is returning a favour not being taken advantage of fgs. Her sister has looked after her kids on several occasions.
And if poor DH is so upset and his precious wife being cruelly mistreated why was he not that bothered when he thought he'd be off hiking on the moors?

Nomama Mon 26-May-14 16:21:56

Because of who is paying.... because he is now between jobs... because the back story would/should be enough to piss anybody's OH off on their behalf.

Because...

kansasmum Mon 26-May-14 16:24:48

I just find his behaviour petty. He has been sulking and snapping at me since nephew arrived.
However he has gone to the garden centre now and seems to have calmed down a bit.

Yes my sister does take the piss a bit but I can't change the way my mum behaves toward her- it's her money to do what she wants with. I have said something to my mum in the past and my mum bit my head off so now I keep out of it. My Dh thinks I
(quote):" need to grow a backbone and tell my mum that my sister is nothing but a scrounging entitled cow".

I feel like he wants me to cause a massive rift in the family which I won't do. He thinks by not ' having it out 'with my sister and my mum I am being a doormat.
I see it more as avoiding futile arguments. Nothing will change my mothers behaviour so why would I continually bang my head against the wall?

wowfudge Mon 26-May-14 16:34:15

LayMeDown the OP hadn't mentioned DN staying at the time the arrangements were made as she'd thought her DH wasn't going to be around.

Nomama Mon 26-May-14 16:35:12

Kansas, I wish I could meet you and have a cup of coffee. Your situation sounds so familiar to me.

I was so angry with DH for so long. That it was his family that he wanted me to go NC with made it worse. You have to remember that you have had a lifetime to learn your attitude and to accept the compromises you make for a quiet life and continued family contact.

Your DH doesn't have the heart string attachment you have. Well he does, but for you! His way of describing your mum and sister may be harsh, but he could be right. He just cares for you and doesn't appreciate their behaviour.

I struggled not to take DHs comments as a slur on me... why I have no idea, they were his bloody family and they treated him like shit. I think I thought if I was extra nice, subservient they would like me and treat him better - never happened. They still ignore him and blame him for missing family occasions they think are important.

But I could be wrong, your husband could be a prize pillock with a mega sulk on smile

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