To say no thank you to my lovely bridezilla friend?

[Tiggywinklespinny]

Someone has stolen my best friends sanity.

Best friend gets married in 18 months. Dress bought, venue booked. All good.

She has asked me and another good friend to be maid/matron of honour. However, we aren't partaking in the aisle walk, in front or behind. So no bridesmaid dresses required. We are only planning her hen party sans veil, L plates and condoms

This is the best bit, she has told myself and other friend that although we aren't wearing a dress of her choosing we must wear the same colour.

I have a very good sense of humour so thought she must be winding us up. However, no. She's serious.

AIBU to say something?

[Morgause]

Say something now. It will only get worse if you don't.

[FamiliesShareGerms]

YANBU

She needs to be clear what she actually wants from you - if it's just to plan the hen do, no matching frocks required.

If it's more than that (helping get ready, looking after bouquet etc) then that's a bit different

[LayMeDown]

Is she paying? If she isnt then YANBU and you should say something. If she is then it is just like being a bridesmaid without the aisle walk. So you will still be in photos at the top table? Then asking for a specific colour is fair enough IMO.

[Pumpkinpositive]

Me not understand. . Does she want you in the photos? Will she be buying the dresses?

You're her unpaid skivvy, not her bridesmaid

[Wellthen]

Explain calmly that as she isn't offering to pay, she has no say in what you wear. Do you want to plan the hen? If you are good friends and would like to, then go for it, but if she is usually this selfish and annoying then I would say no to the whole thing.

I don't think being a bridesmaid is necessarily about the dress or walking down the aisle (although that is odd) but it comes across as if she just wants your for the hen do.

[Bearbehind]

I'm the first to moan about bridezillas usually but this isn't a biggie to me.

She wants you to wear the same colour- so what?

How else will you be differentiated from the other guests who aren't part of the bridal party.

[Icimoi]

SIL and BIL went further than this, they tried to dictate that all the guests wear "autumn colours" ffs. They also tried to dictate that all the ushers should hire morning suits and waistcoasts from the same shop in the North of England. As we were then living in the South West, DH, who was an usher, simply told them that that wouldn't be happening, and wasn't popular.

The marriage didn't last, btw.

[Tiggywinklespinny]

Just to clarify:

She's not paying
Not on the top table
No other duties except hen party it seems.

I love her to bits but I just can't understand this mentality, who's stolen my friend? When will she return?!

[Bearbehind]

Why does paying for the dresses make such a big difference.

I don't agree with brides not paying for their bridesmaids dresses but it is common practice so not really different to this situation.

[Pumpkinpositive]

We'll, you're not her bridesmaids then. No need for identikit dresses.

Are you happy to arrange her hen night for her?

And are you and the other "bridesmaid" more attractive than the bride? Is there a chance you could outshine her if given your 'rightful place'?

[QuintessentiallyQS]

Can you not each make bubble wrap dresses to wear? Let it be a surprise. When she sees you and screams, you can tell her it was a joke, and change in to your dresses of choice. She can chose, bubble wrap dresses in the same transparent colour, or what you prefer to wear yourselves.

[QuintessentiallyQS]

I can picture the AIbu.

"Aibu to think my bridesmaids were cow to dress in bubble wrap for my wedding? It is not like they were meant to be cellophane chicks!"

[Icimoi]

So you will still be in photos at the top table? Then asking for a specific colour is fair enough IMO.

No, it really isn't. You can't micromanage things to the extent of dictating what every single person at the top table wears just so that you can have pretty pictures. So far as I'm concerned, what I want out of photographs of guests at my weddings is pictures of them, not what they're wearing.

How else will you be differentiated from the other guests who aren't part of the bridal party.

Why on earth would you need to be? What does it matter? Next thing we know, people will be demanding that guests wear different colours according to their status - pink for bride's friends, blue for groom's, green for bride's parents' friends, yellow for groom's parents' friends, purple for divorced parents and their friends, grey for work colleagues, black for the ones no-one actually wants but who are invited out of duty ...

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

I think she needs to be told as gently as possible that if she isn't going to be paying for the dresses then you'll be wearing whatever colour that looks best on you. Whether that's matching or not will be down to coincidence and not planning.

[OwlCapone]

I'm really struggling to see how this counts as bridezilla. It all seems very tame.

"wear whatever dresses you like, just make them the same colour"

[Bearbehind]

Rather extreme there icimoi

I just meant it should be clear who the bridesmaids are but given the OP's update stating they have no other responsibility that organising the hen do, they're not actually bridesmaids.

I'd ask the friend what exactly she wants- is it bridesmaids or just a hand with organising the hen do as her ideas seem to contradict at the moment.

[OwlCapone]

You can't micromanage things to the extent of dictating what every single person at the top table wears

Er... Yes you can and most brides do. With the exception of the mothers, all of the traditional top table are part of the main wedding party and will be wearing the same colours.

[Bearbehind]

I think she needs to be told as gently as possible that if she isn't going to be paying for the dresses then you'll be wearing whatever colour that looks best on you. Whether that's matching or not will be down to coincidence and not planning.

Really?

Isn't it pretty standard practice for bridesmaids (proper bridesmaids) to have to fork out for their dresses nowadays?

If everyone adopted this stance I think there would be some much smaller bridal parties.

As I said up thread, I don't agree with brides expecting bridesmaids to buy their dresses but it is commonplace.

[Hissy]

Completely ignore her and do what the hell you like.
Just laugh it all off and say, "yeah, right" if she brings it up.

If she pushes it, then she can arrange her own hen night, can't she?

[OwlCapone]

Is she specifying the colour?

[Wellthen]

I don't think its the dress issue that makes her a bridezilla, its that she seems to be saying her bridesmaids are only for organising the hen do. I agree that asking for a colour or asking them to pay is fairly reasonable but not when she has basically said 'you're not really bridesmaids but I'm saying you are so you'll organise me a hen do'

[AlpacaYourThings]

Really?! There are brides who don't pay for the bidesmaid dresses I paid for everything for my bridesmaids!

Wear whatever you want then. If she wants to dictate the colour she needs to pay!

[Pumpkinpositive]

Isn't it pretty standard practice for bridesmaids (proper bridesmaids) to have to fork out for their dresses nowadays?

Really?? Can't think why.

A bridesmaids dress is not usually the sort of thing you can regularly recycle.

And if bride has a number of bridesmaids, chances are at least one bridesmaid is going to wind up wearing something they hate/makes them look like something the cat dragged in.

Fancy having to pay for the 'privilege'!

[PomeralLights]

I'm sorry but I don't see why this is BU. I have so many bridesmaid dresses that were paid for by the bride (despite my offering to contribute) that at the time they said they 'wanted me to be able to wear again' which I never have because they don't suit me. At my wedding, I said the colour I want and said to the girls being bridesmaids could they provide their own dresses in that colour. They were put out which I didn't understand so I bought them all matching cheap sundresses. I thought they would have wanted to be able to wear flattering dresses, that fitted well, that they would wear again, rather than something random bought by me? I've bought new, nice dresses for weddings where I'm 'just' a guest so why the fuss about spending money as a bridesmaid? I think it's mad. Weddings are already so expensive for the bride and groom, you spending an extra £50 (agree on top of the £150ish the hen will cost you) is surely better than the bride forking out 2x £50 on top of all the other expenses they have to pay for? Are you also expecting her to provide shoes? Bags? WHY?!

It would help if you put into context her financial situation and the scale of the wedding. If it's small and you know she doesn't have much spare cash then YABU.

[OnlyLovers]

YANBU. You're not at the top table and even if you were, IMO this is control-freakery.

God, what happened to people just wanting their loved ones at their wedding? When did everyone start having to behave as if their wedding were a staged event for Vanity Fair?

I don't know how you should say it to her, though, apart from maybe taking the joky approach Hissy suggests.