to consider a homebirth I don't want because MIL is terrible with our toddler?

(61 Posts)
florrielorry Sun 25-May-14 23:58:04

I'm seven months pregnant and our ds is 20 months. I also have a 6 yr old dd. My elder childrens births were both low risk and went smoothly, so technically a home birth is a possibility. However, our nearest hospital is at least an hour away (worse in regular, considerable traffic so a long way even if in an ambulance) and personally I'd rather not take the risk and would prefer to be in hospital, but aim to be discharged asap as with my first two.

MIL is the only person we have who could have our ds (dd can go to other gps or her dads if necessary) but they really aren't close at all. She has clear preferences for her female grandchildren and has barely made any effort to interact with ds since his birth. She'll ignore him for hours then suddenly chase him saying 'let me eat you!' etc and he'll scream and cry and she'll roll her eyes and walk away. She's never tried just talking to him or sitting down and playing with him, which he'd be fine with.

Since becoming pregnant particularly I've tried to see MIL with ds regularly to get them more used to one another but she's regularly 'busy' (with female grandchildren mostly!) and when baby is due will only have seen ds twice in the nine months, despite only living 15 minutes away. I hate the thought of ds being miserable with her (she gets cross that he won't sit and watch tv and eat chocolate like 'normal grandchildren') while I'm in labour and giving birth and think it could really sour the whole new baby experience for us all, particularly ds.

Aibu to consider having the homebirth and keeping ds happy? He'd be happy at home pottering around and dh/dd could take him in the other room to play if necessary.

winkywinkola Sun 25-May-14 23:59:22

So how about a doula? She will be with you during your (home?) birth whilst your dh looks after your other dcs?

winkywinkola Mon 26-May-14 00:00:40

I've had two home births and my other dcs did indeed potter about, watch telly, go to bed. No drama, no fuss. It was really quite good for them. Next day, the babies were there to meet them

whynowblowwind Mon 26-May-14 00:00:53

Do you need someone with you when you give birth?

I was on my own with DD as there was no one but DH to have DS and it was absolutely fine. The staff made a fuss of me as I was alone smile

Jelliebabe2 Mon 26-May-14 00:02:16

Yanbu - but seriously it's not like it would be for long, I'm sure they will manage and they may come out of it with a far better relationship!

winkywinkola Mon 26-May-14 00:04:33

I think if you're already worrying about it then it may upset you during your labour.

NatashaBee Mon 26-May-14 00:06:50

In your situation I would go for a home birth (maybe with a doula as someone else suggested), at least I wouldn't have to worry so much then.

florrielorry Mon 26-May-14 00:10:54

Jellie considering she generally makes him cry (And can't/won't then settle him as she thinks it's over nothing) within two minutes of contact with him, 12+ hours together could be thoroughly miserable for him. That's what I'd hope for with a homebirth winky, I'm just worried about the distance to hospital if anything went wrong. I don't mind giving birth alone but think MIL would be livid if she thought that was preferable to her offer of childcare.

Bogeyface Mon 26-May-14 00:11:23

Homebirth can be very forgiving in terms of new siblings, they are just there. None of the dramatic coming home from hospital stuff along with the separation that the older child has had. Its a far more natural way to have them enter the family. I speak from experience, 5 in hospital and 1 at home, the homebirth was easily the least traumatic for the whole family despite being the longest.

So in terms of what is best for your DS I would say go for it. He wont suffer your MIL, you can relax and labour knowing he is safe, your midwives will be well aware of the transfer time and care for you accordingly and after 2 text book births (although there a no guarantees) you are in a good place to birth at home.

Or if you really want to birth in hospital then I would get a different birth partner and leave your DH with the kids. Its the only way you can be safe in the knowledge he would be ok.

Lanabelle Mon 26-May-14 00:13:16

I thought that about homebirths, My first pregnancy was complicated, I was young and terrified, but pregnancy 2 was good and pregnancy 3 came along complete with quick labour in the snow so I had to have a homebirth - no way an ambulance could have got to us and I loved it so number 4 arrived that way too. I would encourage you to relax and look into it a little more

Bogeyface Mon 26-May-14 00:13:48

I don't mind giving birth alone but think MIL would be livid if she thought that was preferable to her offer of childcare.

Well frankly who gives a shiney shite what she thinks?! This is YOUR time, the only time you get to be 100% justified in being selfish. You have to bring a whole new person into the world, how you do that is entirely up to you and you should allow anyone to make you do what you dont want to do on the basis that it might upset them. It might upset her if he doesnt go there, but it will upset you if he does. Decision made. He isnt going. All you have to do is decide how you are going to manage your birth.

Bogeyface Mon 26-May-14 00:14:37

shouldnt not should!

florrielorry Mon 26-May-14 00:15:35

I agree Bogey and love the idea, just worry about complications. When I was in labour with ds, dh and I went walking/out for lunch and so on in the area near the hospital after having left our bags there and being examined. When I went back in ds was born 15 mins later! Was thinking about doing the same this time with ds in tow, just being alone for the pushing part then ds and dh could hopefully come in straight afterwards.

florrielorry Mon 26-May-14 00:17:58

You're right, bogey, I just hate being painted as the controlling, smothering DIL which I'm really not. I'd love her to have a close relationship with ds, but fact is that she hasn't.

Bogeyface Mon 26-May-14 00:22:52

Florrie the hospital probably wont allow that, so it is either DH on his own or neither of them. Also, I wouldnt do that on the the basis that your DD could feel really pushed out. You know it wouldnt be like that but she might feel excluded.

I am not trying to push you to homebirth, but you cant know how your labour will be until you are in it so you cant plan to that detail. It is very unrealistic to expect the same thing to happen again, not least because labours tend to get shorter with each child.

I planned a homebirth for #6 partly because I was so sick of being on the hospital conveyor belt but also because my labours went from 8 hours with #1 to 3 hours for #5 (who was an induction!). I assumed that #6 would fly out. She didnt, she took 14 hours, little bugger had the cord around her neck so struggled to descend. But she was fine, the midwives dealt with it brilliantly, her apgars were 9 and 10, we both recovered well and quickly.

slithytove Mon 26-May-14 00:35:03

Ok, so when you are giving birth you need to be as relaxed as possible and worrying about DC won't do that.

I would suggest that DS stays at home with DC (minimising disruption) and you use the next two months to find a new birthing partner as others have suggested. Hire a doula if you can afford (£600 ish).

If it offends MIL, that is her issue, your kids come first.

Bear in mind it could be much longer than 12 hours. And if it helps, the above is what I'm doing for DD2 in September, purely because I can't guarantee childcare.

slithytove Mon 26-May-14 00:36:57

I do like your idea of having them both at the hospital, my only worry would be if you needed a CS for whatever reason? All births are different after all.

herecomesthesunlala Mon 26-May-14 01:00:16

He'll be fine for a few hours with his grandmother and he will come to no harm. It may even be a great chance for them to get to know each other. It's ridiculous to suggest, IMO, that she gives birth alone! I doubt your DP would like that suggestion either. He will be fine, I think you are worrying too much.

SaucyJack Mon 26-May-14 01:05:48

What's your relationship like with your former ILs? My older DD'S nan would probably have DD3 for me as well if I was desperate- especially if I gave her a bit of extra bingo money.

slithytove Mon 26-May-14 01:06:05

Cheers herecomes

gobbynorthernbird Mon 26-May-14 07:58:09

What Saucy said. If exIL/exDP have your DD, will they have her little brother as well?

AuntieStella Mon 26-May-14 08:03:19

I she didn't live nearby, who would you be asking to have DS?

Ask them.

saoirse31 Mon 26-May-14 08:07:06

If shes other grandchildren apparently living near presumably you've sil or bil living near. Can u not ask one of them to mind your ds? Or if other people can mind ur dd I dont really see why they wouldn't also mind your ds.

hamptoncourt Mon 26-May-14 08:07:10

OP how would your DH react if you had a close friend come to the hospital with you for the birth instead of him so he can stay home with DC?

Would you be happier with this?

I would rather have a home birth myself but you don't really seem happy with this either and as PP have said, it is so important that you feel relaxed and positive when you give birth.

Do you have any friends who could have DS? You might think people are incredibly busy but I have always found that if you sit down and explain to people what a pickle you are in, they can be really helpful.

I would do that for any of my friends.

I hope all goes well whatever you decide.

Artandco Mon 26-May-14 08:08:58

I would hire a maternity nanny for the week. They will look after elder two for you all day and night as needed. And then can help with new baby or elder two for a couple more days once home ( depending on how long your in hospital). If any complications and you and baby stay in then nanny can watch children a few more days, bring them to and from hospital, or sit with baby at hospital if dh needs to go home and you need a few hrs sleep

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