to think this isn't the point of marriage?

(166 Posts)
Objection Sun 25-May-14 17:25:23

OH found out today that when/if we got married, I would want to keep my surname.
I like my surname, its unusual and, unlike many people, I chose it.
I became estranged from my father several years ago and changed my name from his to my mother's maiden name. I'm close to that side of the family and it helped me feel even more connected to them.
I also have very mild feminist views on the matter which, tbh, are not nearly as much as an influence, but they are there.
OH's name is fine. I have no opinion on it, its just a surname. Only he, his mother and his father have it.
I have no issue with any children taking his family name though I'd prefer they had mine but personally would rather be MrsMe, rather than MrsOH.

I asks OH jokingly today "so when are you going to marry me?" (he's always been really pro-marriage and its something he wanted to do.
And he replied "well, there's no point getting married now, is there?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well there's no point if you're not going to take my name."

I tried to explain the whole life-long commitment, declaration of love in front of friends and family not to mention the legal benefits and he just shrugged it off. He's very offended that I want to keep my name. (We were together when I "broke up" with my Dad).

AIBU to think that names aren't the point of marriage and also to feel quite offended?

Objection Sun 25-May-14 17:26:28

(The feminist bit was to point out that that's a factor, I realise it comes across as me not being a feminist blush not true! But I would stand by that reason even if I didn't have a close tie with my name)

FunnyFoot Sun 25-May-14 17:31:53

If you decide to give in and take his name where will that leave you?

He will throw a childish tantrum every time he doesn't get his own way. If the only reason he wants to marry you is so he can 'own' you then I think I would stay unmarried OP.

Your reasoning's for marriage mirror my own OP his mirror Victorian man.

YANBU at all. I am not married, the DC have DPs name (which I like - but don't especially want) - and like you, I changed my surname to disassociate with my father (13 years and counting since NC). I would not change my name if I got married. He's being a bit silly but maybe feels a bit wounded, I'd ignore it tbh and let him get over it in time - don't make it a big deal because it's not one. IF he persists that it is, suggest he change to your name?

SanityClause Sun 25-May-14 17:34:59

No, it's not the point of marriage.

Maybe, though, he's a bit hurt you don't want to take his name. Most people in the UK assume you will use your husband's name, when married. Give him a chance to get used to the idea.

But, maybe he didn't really want to marry you at all, and it's given him a get out clause. So, don't give him too much time, if marriage is important to you (and it sounds like it is).

weatherall Sun 25-May-14 17:36:27

He's not much of a charmer is he?

Do you love him?

Does he love you?

It sounds like he wants a possession not a life partner,

He sounds like a bellend. I kept my name when I married, it's never been an issue for DH

Objection Sun 25-May-14 17:40:18

He's not prone to childish tantrums, thank god.
And I'm pretty sure he does want to marry me smile so I don't think its a get out clause! There are much better and more reasonable ones! (we own a house together, bought only 6 months ago which he could have got out of if he was frightened off commitment).
He was also talking at lunch about all the things he wants to do when we have children.

His family are very old fashioned though, and would probably see the whole thing with raised eyebrows. Up until meeting me, he lived with his parents.
His parents, although lovely well, his mum is, believe:

1. Depression is just "being sad"
2. Anxiety is as real as depression
3. Gays shouldn't have children
4. SAHDs are wrong and belittling men. Nothing wrong with SAHMs though hmm
5. I'm obsessed with money because I'm striving to have a career

Objection Sun 25-May-14 17:40:57

He loves me.
I love him.
And he's not a bellend, promise!

thatstoast Sun 25-May-14 17:41:27

How long have you been together? My husband was disappointed when I said I wanted to keep my name (went double barrel but regret it) but if he'd said that there was no point in marrying me then I would have been inclined to agree and leave him. It's just so disrespectful.

Lepaskilf Sun 25-May-14 17:41:28

I personally think its odd that married couples dont have the same name, esp if children are involved. I'm not married so I have my name and kids have ohs name, I feel left out..... We are a family united, we should all have the same name

Why don't you suggest him taking your name?

Yanbu! I hope he's joking. Because otherwise then he's saying he only wanted to marry so he could brand you as hishmm
Marriage has f all to do with names, and everything to do with the things that you list.
I haven't taken my dhs name. He didn't realise til a few weeks after we'd married and someone else asked why I hadn't in front of him. It was never discussed beforehand, we talked about the wedding, legal differences, how it is such a final formal commitment, but names? Never came up. It makes no difference to him. He married me for the love of me not to label me as his own.

SqutterNutBaush Sun 25-May-14 17:45:27

We are getting married in September.

I won't be taking his name as it sounds awful with my first name.

He suggested taking my name but it would mean changing the DC's name so I declined the offer.

We are a family, we will be married but we will not have the same surname and I don't see why that matters.

Bluelining Sun 25-May-14 17:45:41

YANBU

Marriage has nothing to do with names! People get married to show each other (and society) that they are committed to each other. I can't see why he should be offended.

Are you sure that he wants to marry you at all? Or is he looking for excuses?

Objection Sun 25-May-14 17:46:02

Already suggested him taking my name. Er...no.
I think he wants to continue his family name which I can understand as he's an only child.

SqutterNutBaush Sun 25-May-14 17:47:21

Lepaskilf if you feel left out of your family you could always change your name legally without marriage, costs about £60.

CailinDana Sun 25-May-14 17:47:47

Those things you listed, that his parents believe, does he believe them to?

lotsohummus Sun 25-May-14 17:49:06

I am getting married soon and will take my husband's name privately but keep my own for work. I never thought I would change my name but he explained that it meant a lot to him (not in a dickish way) and I would like to have the same name as him and any future children. We briefly considered him taking mine, but it rhymes exactly with his first name so it would look really weird. So I am changing mine. He is also making a different compromise to make me happy. To me that's what marriage is really about - considering all options together and making a decision together, not having a tantrum because of a knee-jerk opinion.

NadiaWadia Sun 25-May-14 17:49:35

In many cultures it is not the norm for the woman to take the man's surname on marriage (eg, China I think). Of course it is not 'the point' of marriage! Tell him you are the one who is offended at him just assuming you should give up your own name, especially as you deliberately chose it. Sorry, but he is being a sexist twerp.

MerdeAlor Sun 25-May-14 17:50:38

Anxiety is as real as depression. Not a good example OP

Noappointmentnecessary Sun 25-May-14 17:50:55

Like you, I loved my maiden name. It is so original and italian. However, the biggest reason for getting married was to become one as a union, that meant changing my surname. You should to. Now we r going to be a family unit and all have the same surname x

Amethyst24 Sun 25-May-14 17:52:02

YANBU. I honestly don't understand why taking one's husband's name is still the norm in this day and age.

Amethyst24 Sun 25-May-14 17:52:56

Merde I think the OP meant that they believe neither anxiety nor depression are real.

BertieBotts Sun 25-May-14 17:52:57

What about him taking your name?

NadiaWadia Sun 25-May-14 17:54:10

I think OP was saying the family believe anxiety to be not real, in the same way as they think depression is not real (which is obviously not true!) Not that she thought anxiety was not real!

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