playdate and nanny

(67 Posts)
mediumsize Sun 25-May-14 14:03:01

Have never posted in AIBU before and have NCed for this. But really would like some feedback on something that caused a big argument between me and DH last night. I am quite prepared to be told I was wrong....

Our DS, aged 5 has a playdate with a school peer next week, at his home. I am planning to take him. The mum has told me that she will not be home as she will be at work, and the nanny will be there. OK fine I said.

Talking to my DH about it last night. He does a lot of the general childcare as my work is far less flexible and far longer hours than his. He said he would be fine to take DS to the playdate if I was too busy (I was moaning a bit about the busy week I have next week). I said thanks, but i thought the nanny might feel a bit uncomfortable if he turned up and she was alone there with the kids.

He got very upset at this, accused me of being ridiculous, saying that I am in effect accusing him of being a potential rapist or being interested in diddling a nanny. I tried to explain that it was not about him, she knows nothing of him, but, especially if she is a young girl, she might feel uncomfortable with any unknown middle-aged man turning up at house for the afternoon. He reckons I am being stupid and sexist. He is a dad who is also a carer and women should get used to it. If women want to be equal to men they need to stop behaving like this.

What do people think?

cookielove Sun 25-May-14 14:05:34

I think it's fine for him to go and your being silly.

WorraLiberty Sun 25-May-14 14:06:27

I can see both sides really, although to be honest I'm inclined to see your DH's side more.

I have 3 kids and I have to say it's been pretty even in terms of their friend's Dads or Mums accompanying them/picking up/dropping off etc.

So that would kind of make it the nanny's 'problem' if she's uncomfortable around parents of the opposite sex.

missingmumxox Sun 25-May-14 14:06:36

Yes you are being unreasonable.

all that is needed is her knowing who is picking up so she doesn't hand your child over to the Avon lady should she happen to pass.

SuperLoveFuzz Sun 25-May-14 14:06:40

YABU and totally overthinking the situation. In your DH's position I would be annoyed too.

MrsCampbellBlack Sun 25-May-14 14:07:03

Do either of you need to be there?

ICanSeeTheSun Sun 25-May-14 14:07:56

I think you are overthinking this.

MrsCampbellBlack Sun 25-May-14 14:08:30

I feel sorry for the nanny if she is expected to make conversation all afternoon with a stranger. Can't your dh just drop and go?

BerniesBurneze Sun 25-May-14 14:08:55

I often buy things online and send my husband to collect them and I also wonder if some women are upset with him turning up when they're expecting me. If it sounds natural I try and give them a head's up first just in case.

I think 99% of people should be fine with it though.

Floralnomad Sun 25-May-14 14:08:59

YABU but also if your DS has been invited why are you going at all ,at 5 don't they go alone and you just collect at the pre arranged time ?

ThingsThatShine Sun 25-May-14 14:09:18

I agree with your DH

mediumsize Sun 25-May-14 14:09:21

OK I submit, I was wrong then! Someone does need to be there all the time as DS has special needs and cannot be left. I just thought a young girl might feel a bit nervous with a strange man with her in the house for several hours (well, my DH is not in the least strange but she doesn't know that!), that's all.

BerniesBurneze Sun 25-May-14 14:09:40

* by online I mean Facebook

WorraLiberty Sun 25-May-14 14:11:28

I don't know much about nannies, but don't you have to be at least an adult to be one?

callamia Sun 25-May-14 14:13:13

He's not a strange man though, he's someone's dad.
He's there to look after your son, I can't imagine the baby would be particularly bothers who it was - adult company and conversation might be welcome for her.

chirpchirp Sun 25-May-14 14:13:34

I think you are being unreasonable. Are you sure anyone is expected to stay? I'm sure a qualified nanny would be more than capable of looking after a couple of 5 year olds for a couple of hours.

bengal38 Sun 25-May-14 14:13:37

Just tell the parent that your husband will be picking up at a specific time. I think you were being unreasonable though.

I think if someone has to stay then you need to clear it first. That's not because he's male but because he's a stranger. I would say the same if it were your mum.
If it was just drop off then it would be different.

mediumsize Sun 25-May-14 14:14:48

Yes that was his argument, he is there as a carer and a dad, and to focus on DS, and the parents know who we are. OK, I will have to go and grovel to him later....

DearGirl Sun 25-May-14 14:15:34

I am a nanny and have had play dates with mums/nannies/dads etc as long as they bring biscuits ill chat to anyone :D

mediumsize Sun 25-May-14 14:15:50

Definitely someone has to stay, someone who does not know DS would not be able to look after him because of his special needs.

If they know him then it's fine.

mediumsize Sun 25-May-14 14:16:33

Glad you said about the biscuits, we have not had a playdate before and I was wondering whether it is etiquette to bring something....

chirpchirp Sun 25-May-14 14:18:14

Sorry x post

prisonerofallisurvey Sun 25-May-14 14:23:04

Have you met the nanny? From your post OP you are saying she is a young girl and this is the problem in your eyes. However I would assume she is an adult, professional and will be 'at work' when your ds and dh are with her so there should be no issues.

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