AIBU to want a third child?

(17 Posts)
Fluzzieinajacuzzi Sat 24-May-14 23:46:02

Background is, from virtually the day DS2 was born I have wanted another child. Happy to wait for 3-4 years but knew I wasn't finished yet. The urge is growing more and more. DH on the other hand has been the complete opposite. After DS 2 he insisted he was done. Loves our 2 DS and is incredibly hands on but I wouldn't say he enjoys parenthood that much, he'd agree! Within decision making we usually can work things out and come to a compromise but with this it's a yes or no, each time it's mentioned he is still the same (have left it 6-9mths since I last mentioned it.) He has asked that I respect him enough to not accept his decision. AIBU to push this even though we are otherwise very happy? If so, how do you turn off the broodometer??

ICanSeeTheSun Sat 24-May-14 23:50:11

Tbh he has said no more, so you have 2 choices end the relationship to have the much wanted 3rd or accept that your DH doesn't want any more.

whynowblowwind Sat 24-May-14 23:51:42

Oh it's so hard, isn't it? flowers as there ISN'T a compromise. You can't have half a baby!

What are his reasons for not wanting a third? x

ICanSeeTheSun Sat 24-May-14 23:53:51

Sorry that sounded harsh

MatildaWhispers Sat 24-May-14 23:54:19

YABU to push him into it

Fluzzieinajacuzzi Sat 24-May-14 23:59:32

He says be grateful for the 2 healthy ones we have (check!) and that is fearful something will go wrong with the next time (haven't gone into me or baby) and finds it hard going as is with 2. I don't and could see how easily another would slot in. I'm a 3rd child and was unplanned (aka unwanted ��) but my own family would be rubbish without me! I'm thinking of the bigger picture, not just I want a newborn!

Whocansay Sun 25-May-14 00:06:02

If you find out, please tell me!

I'm in the same position. I want a third, but dh doesn't. He is perfectly reasonable and I agree with all his concerns. But I still want another child. I wish I could stop the yearning. There is no compromise on this one.

whynowblowwind Sun 25-May-14 00:07:09

The thing is, I can understand wanting two. I have two and am not planning any more. But if I had a partner who wanted a third, I would, despite the fact I don't have easy pregnancies.

Would you be able to leave a gap, hypothetically (that's a polite way of asking how old are you! grin)

He may find it easier as they get older? It IS intense with tiny ones. My DD is a month old and totally adorable but I am dreading the 18-36 month stage! They're SO sweet but gosh, never a minutes peace. I honestly don't know how some mums do it with a newborn too, I have a 7 year age gap! grin

LadyOfLlangollen Sun 25-May-14 00:09:17

Neither of you are being the least bit unreasonable in wanting/not wanting a third child. I think that if he doesn't want another one you have to accept his decision and either accept it or leave him! You can't 'force' another child on him. I'd say the same if the sexes were reversed.

Id have had another DC but my DH wanted to stop. I got used to the idea and now can't imagine having another DC.

Fluzzieinajacuzzi Sun 25-May-14 08:19:20

whocansay DH is also perfectly reasonable, and argues a fair point, childcare, teenagers, money etc. whynow I'm in my early 30's so yes could leave it a while, have talked about that too and guess he might soften with time. Fingers crossed.

Soupqueen Sun 25-May-14 08:34:11

YANBU but neither is he.

I'm in the same position, but it's a second child DH doesn't want. I don't want to have a child with him that he doesn't want, I can imagine how hard all the sleepless nights etc. would be with that tension hanging over us so am sadly resigned to having just the one.

paxtecum Sun 25-May-14 08:49:02

Get a puppy or a kitten.

Whocansay Sun 25-May-14 09:36:05

paxtecum Do you really think a child is the same as a pet?

MinginInTheRain Sun 25-May-14 09:46:35

I was in this position some years ago. Could not shake the feeling. DH didn't want one. I convinced him somehow. The early years were hard as it was all on me as I didn't want to give him more work to do as he already said he was maxxed out with work and two DC.

But few years on and it's fine. DC3 didn't exactly slot straight in - she is probably the hardest one we have grin but we are doing ok.

I would say it's not for the faint hearted - very hard work and bit lonely. Some days I think might have been easier if we hadnt had her but she is such a great addition to our family and I can't imagine just having two.

You have got to really want it though to keep you going through the hard patches. I did really want it and am glad I did but do feel bad I had to force persuade him into it. I couldn't live with the regret of not having another one but sometimes wish I could have felt less strongly. Counselling then might have been useful to understand where the strong need came from.

Ihateparties Sun 25-May-14 09:57:36

No. 3 didn't easily slot in here, I don't think that's particularly uncommon, that's a factor you just can't know in advance. It has been more difficult overall than I would have predicted, that's not to say I would have done anything differently just really that whatever the outcome the effects are very definitely felt by both parents so I think you're absolutely doing the right thing by making sure you're both on the same page whatever you end up deciding.

I remember distinctly someone saying to me before dd2 was born that for all the people saying it's only one more, they will fit in, it isn't much more work etc. that what you're actually looking at is 50% more children. It totally felt like that in our house! I know that's not universal by any means but it really did feel like that to me.

Tangerinefairy Sun 25-May-14 10:05:06

It's really hard wanting another child in any scenario, either because you can't seem to get pregnant again or because your partner doesn't want another. My situation was the former and I totally relate to your longing. We only have one Dd and were really desperate for a second. It never happened and for several years it was really sad. I.kept feeling like there was someone missing.

Anyway, neither you or your husband are wrong but since you are asking I would say that in your shoes I think I might accept his wishes in.order that you can move on. You are really lucky to have two great children, he is happy with that level of parenting even though he finds it hard.

Obviously your dh might have a change of heart in the future but if he doesn't I think time will help you to feel.ok about it. We are certainly very positive about our small family and can't imagine it any other way. Good luck though, I know it is hard.

Fluzzieinajacuzzi Sun 25-May-14 22:39:09

Thank q everyone for the opinions. It's been very helpful. Wouldn't risk ruining our marriage over it and as you say minging I think I'd be flying solo. Time will tell and I'll try to be content, one day at a time.

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