to be jealous of parents who get a break?

(58 Posts)

I have 3 children (my choice) DHs parents have b passed away and my parents show little enthusiasm for looking after the DCS. I in no way expect them to, as I said having 3 was my choice (andDHs) but when I see them looking after my DNs 3 days a week and babysitting I get upset. Then I get told by the majority of my friends that their kids stay at granny and grandpa's house at least once a week cos they are just worn out I grit my teeth and smile and nod.
I want to walk out sometimes but get on with it as we all have to. But I'd like to just scream!!!!

Owllady Fri 23-May-14 17:28:41

We have been in the same boat for as long as we have had children, you just have to accept it and find childcare in other ways (paying) and try not to dwell on it too much. The sooner you do that, the better you will feel about it.
Believe me I have been there
Really don't expect anyone on here who has family help to understand because they won't, there is something incredibly hurtful about your parents not wanting to help you when they have had help themselves or have helped siblings
That said
I think looking after 3 young children (ours are older though) is daunting for any grandparent. My parents were young, they still work full time, they still socialise, they have elderly parents to deal with. It's just how it is. Try not to take it personal

rainbowfeet Fri 23-May-14 17:35:20

Yanbu...

I'm a lone parent with no family close by, lucky enough to have a lovely young girl in the village to baby sit occasionally but oh boy what I wouldn't give for a night away.. So I can have an extra couple of drinks without being worried about a 6am wake up with a hangover

I8toys Fri 23-May-14 17:56:55

YANBU - having children is exhausting and you need a break sometimes. It is unfair that they don't offer to look after your children too if they do this with DN's.

We lived 200 miles away from parents and had no childcare from when they were born until the youngest was 6. My friends had lots of family around them when their children were babies and I envied them - not just for childcare but for support as I went through PND with my first.

My parents moved near to us to be with them a few years ago. I know we are very lucky and my mum and dad have them every Saturday night and do a pick up from school a couple of nights per week.

We did not ask them to do this - they have offered and I would never assume. My children missed out for a long time not having them around but are now enjoying have some family around and to spend time with their gaga and grandad.

wobblyweebles Fri 23-May-14 19:22:15

Sorry should clarify. DD3 is at nursery on a morning so I get some time (in being grabby aren't I) but it's spent doing 'jobs'. I get jealous of those who have time to flit about

Where are your two older children at that time?

Lepaskilf Fri 23-May-14 19:28:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fairylea Fri 23-May-14 19:31:37

Yanbu.

We haven't had time away from ds since he was born 2 years ago. Before that my mum used to look after dd 11 years but she had a bit of a breakdown and ill health and now isn't safe to look after the dc on her own. Dhs family is as useful as a chocolate teapot and will not ever help. Even though they look after sils dc on a daily basis. We have no budget for childcare at all, not even for a babysitter and we don't qualify for help with costs for it either.

So we are fucked.

And I'm also suffering from kidney issues and thyroid problems.

I think when I am 50 and finally child free I will bugger off to ibiza and have a blast.

I do love my dc lots but gosh it is exhausting.

weatherall Fri 23-May-14 19:33:20

So you have 2 in school, 1 in nursery, are a sahm with a dh and yet you are still complaining?

Yabvu

Try being a single parent!

ScarlettlovesRhett Fri 23-May-14 19:48:49

weatherall just made my point for me, but I'm so shock I'll say it again anyway.

2 at school, 1 at nursery, you don't work and you feel hard done by.

YABVVVVVU

jeanmiguelfangio Fri 23-May-14 20:22:23

YANBU my ils won't even come the 45 mins to our house let alone to look after dc. Everyone needs a break, I get where you are coming from. Im pretty sure the op is just venting, I dont think she means she is the worst off. It really can be exhausting, regardless of how many or where they are

TheFairyCaravan Fri 23-May-14 20:35:11

YANBU.

DH and I had our first break away from our DC in March. Our boys are 19&17. Both my parents and PILS have looked after all the other grandchildren and taken them on holiday. When DNiece was born on a Monday, my mum had her overnight on the Saturday to give my sister a break!

My DH is Forces(and I am disabled) so I've done loads of 4 and 6 months on my own, my PILs haven't even bothered to ring me. My parents have driven past my door, practically, with my sister's kids in the back to take them on holiday. They couldn't take mine because "we didn't near live near enough to them!"

I've hardly spoken to my parents for 3 years because I needed major surgery (again) and they refused to help me. Next thing they let it slip that they were taking my sister's kids and DN's child on holiday to a villa abroad so my sister could have another child free holiday with her DP!

No-one babysat for our kids unless we got a babysitter in and paid them, which was rare.

AgentDiNozzo Fri 23-May-14 20:45:08

YANBU to want a bit of a break, but if you have a couple of hrs to yourself everyday then this is a break in most people's book! Even doing housework undisturbed can be moderately relaxing and you could surely take 1-2 mornings per week to do something just for you. I wouldn't feel any guilt whatsoever at doing this.

I have 2 DCs (5yo & 3yo), no childcare or family support other than my DH. I work 15 hrs or so a week outside the home (evenings & weekends). I work 48-50 weekends per year (half both days, half just one day). Every weekday for the past 5.5 years I have been in sole charge of at least one, if not both my DCs. Followed by evening shifts. I know what it is like to want a break! However next year my 3yo goes to pre-school & I can't wait. Those 2.5 hrs per day will be my break and I plan to use them wisely - a mix of sorting out the house, exercise, taking up new hobbies and running errands which are easier sans kids. I will up my work hours when they are both at school.

It is hard to have no family support. But there are parents I see round town who always seem to have a parent/PIL in tow. At baby clinic, in the library, at toddler groups. I try not to judge (I really do) but there is a tiny (probably jealous) part of me which wants to scream 'man up'! I see it in my job too where it seems the parent plus grandparent form a tag team giving the details of the child's illness and undressing them for examination.

Maybe I am just odd (entirely possible) but I want to be in charge of my children for the vast majority of the time. Obviously once they start school you are not going to know the exact details of their day but until that point I see that very much as my role.

In other words be careful what you wish for OP! I feel a lot of pride that my DH and I have grown our DCs from seed and raised them ourselves. There is definitely such a thing as over-involvement and remember everything comes at a price!

Owllady Fri 23-May-14 21:07:14

Do single parents not get family support then? confused I know some don't but some of us with partners have to cope with a partner away and no family support too and no dad yo take them for the day or so either confused

ssd Fri 23-May-14 21:27:14

I know a few single parents who have had more support from their extended family than I've had from dh, who works shifts

HolidayCriminal Sat 24-May-14 03:34:54

Nearly all the single parents I know have huge amount of support from extended family & friends. It really surprises me. DH & I don't have any family in UK or friends to rely on. The neighbours were good enough to babysit when I had to go into hospital suddenly.

PrincessBabyCat Sat 24-May-14 03:45:04

Do you know any moms? I'd ask them if they know of any good babysitters.

I made a ton of money in middle and high school babysitting so parents could have a day or night out. Parents and kids were happy and I got to buy designer clothes for school.

Lepaskilf Sat 24-May-14 07:36:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pugaboo Sat 24-May-14 07:42:20

YABU if you get morning off!

But generally YANBU, it's hard not having a break and tough not to feel jealous that siblings etc get loads of help.

TheRealAmandaClarke Sat 24-May-14 09:10:35

Of course YANBU
Envy is natural in these situations.
I am fortunate to work pt and to have a helpful dh.
But I'm still envious of ppl who have family help. It's not just about having some time to ourselves (which I confess would be really nice, because we literally never get that) it's also about seeing dcs grow up with extended family. I'd love them to really know grandparents etc and have a relationship with them in the way that I see with some of my friend's but it's not going to happen.
Equally, I'm quite jealous of someone who is a SAHP with 2 DCs in school and one at nursery. Although I appreciate that doesn't give you evenings off with your dh.
I'm sure that some of the ppl I would feel jealous of have some sort of gripe about their situation too. So I don't dwell on it. I am fortunate to have my dcs so I try to suck it up
But I know what you mean.

lola88 Sat 24-May-14 09:28:34

YANBU I'm really lucky DS usually goes away once or twice a month to MIL if not over night during the day and have my mum and gran on hand to babysit if I have app during the day I don't know how i'd manage without help especially the first year.

Just be careful not to be resentful of friends who have help I've had a few 'it's ok for you' comments which I really find unfair one woman from my toddler group is particularly vocal about how I get loads of time to myself and she does it all by herself while complaining she has no help it really winds me up as she would jump at the chance of help but judges me for doing the same!

wearyroad Sat 24-May-14 09:32:57

I really feel for parents who do it all alone, especially single parents. Its such a lonely slog. In an ideal world, we would all have family and friends who helped out. I know my life would be very different if I didnt have my mum about.

If i were you, i'd look into a babysitter. Even once a month, for a few hours, to give you and your DH a meal out or just for you to go and have a coffee and read a book and relax for a few hours.

wonderingsoul Sat 24-May-14 17:50:01

Lol I once had a new.friend 'who didn't know my situation ' go on for a good 20 minutes about how lucky I.was, how she n.her.dh.never get a break and how nice it was I got to flog my kids of to their dad at the weekend.

Soon as she stopped ibtold her my kids don't see their dad at all..so no..it's not so wonderful and.I don't.have family support...

I get with a.dh who works different shifts can be hard but you have some one to look after the kids even if you have to.work the day out.

ocelot41 Sat 24-May-14 18:10:31

Oh gosh, I am! Those early years were bloody relentless. We have one set of GPs on the other side of the world and one set who are getting too old and frail (and are starting to need care themselves).

It would be soooooooo nice to have a night away with my DH just as a couple and to sleep. I do think people who have regular, friendly GP contact have a whole different experience.

But hey, I have friends who are single parents so I know I can't complain too much! They REALLY have it tough...

CombineBananaFister Sat 24-May-14 20:25:02

Comparing yourself to others and how much help they get - there lies the road to insanity, but it is frustrating especially when those who do get so much support don't always appreciate it.

YANBU to want a break from your children, YABU to resent those who do but being human often means envy gets the better of us - especially if sleep deprivation is involved grin

It is hurtful though when GPs are willing to support one sibling and not another-it's unfair.

Also, with the greatest respect I don't think being a single parent means you automatically get less of a break/have less support, it entirely depends on the situation. Some get masses of family help.

Me and DH work opposite shifts and juggle childcare/work so get very little time together and can count on one hand the nights out we've had in 4yrs (2bdays,1 anniversary).
SIL is a single mum, works 2 days, has childcare 8-6pm mon-fri and GPs have DN fri and sat. Not saying who has it easier but being a single parent doesn't always mean worse off alone-timewise.

ssd Sun 25-May-14 13:03:59

The trouble with never having a break is when you do eventually get time together with your dh you haven't a clue what to do!!!

Dh and I have had no family help and one night away in 16 yrs, not the kids are older we are more like pals then husband and wife as our relationship had had to come second to raising the kids....

BrianButterfield Sun 25-May-14 13:21:50

It does annoy me a bit when people say "I don't know what I'd do without them!" though. SIL does this as lives near both sets of grandparents and so ends up with them trotting along to A & E with her etc. Well, what do you think we do? You just make it work. You don't NEED help from GPs, it just makes your life easier. Which is great but of course you could do it without them. It feels like your own life is being written off as shit drudgery because you're so unlucky to have no help.

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