to think a thousand pounds is a reasonable contribution to DSD's wedding?

(598 Posts)
SoangryImshaking Thu 15-May-14 17:10:29

DSD is getting married later this year. She has asked DH for a contribution. After looking at figures we decided we could afford to put in £1000 towards it. This seemed like a reasonable amount to both of us, and was the same amount as we got from our respective parents when we got married, for which we were very grateful.

She has just emailed DH saying she feels he does not care about her, and if we can afford to go on holiday, we should be able to afford to pay more than a thousand. AIBU to think she is being massively ungrateful, and that Dad is not expected to fund the whole wedding these days?? Or should we be cutting back on holidays for the next year or so to pay a bigger chunk?

SpringBreaker Thu 15-May-14 17:13:40

It all depends on your finances really.

When you married him, presumably it was his second wedding so any money off parents is more than generous in those circumstances and irrelevant to the argument. Also, depending on how long ago it was, £1000 ten or twenty years ago was a lot more then than it is now.

However, no bride or groom should feel entitled to financial help for their wedding, and if £1000 is all you can afford then thats all she gets. Is her mother also paying towards it too?

mswibble Thu 15-May-14 17:13:57

Ungrateful moo. She's made the decision to get married, why on earth should you fund it? £1000 is very generous in my book.

BerniesBurneze Thu 15-May-14 17:14:00

Hmm, she can pay for the whole tjing herself and she sounds massively ungrateful. I'd NEVER dream of asking my parents to spend less on themselves.

That said, I do wonder what holidays and how many you are taking? £5k a year on hols I'd understand but if you regularly went 5* every 2 months I'd secretly judge.

Still not say anything though, how rude!!

Iamnotachewtoy Thu 15-May-14 17:15:16

Just out of curiosity, when did you get married?

I do think she is being ungrateful though. If she thought you were being tight she should have at least thanked you for what you did offer...

MinesAPintOfTea Thu 15-May-14 17:17:07

It partly depends on how established she vs you are/were as adults when you married and how long ago you married.

You aren't obliged, but especially if she'd been given to understand that your DH would provide that sort of support then it might be damaging not to. It also depends on what the holidays are.

tumbletumble Thu 15-May-14 17:17:43

Do you have other DCs? If she believes that you would give more to DC who are not step DC then I can see why she's upset.

Of course it is absolutely up to you and DH whether you give her any money at all, but �1000 doesn't go very far towards the wedding costs.

Bogeyface Thu 15-May-14 17:18:01

She shouldnt have even asked for a contribution, never mind kicked off when it wasnt as much as she wanted!

No one expects their parents to pay these days do they? I know I didnt and neither did my sister, the money mum and dad gave us (£1000) was very welcome but totally unexpected and un-asked for.

Personally I would tell her that if she doesnt want it then fine, she can pay the whole thing herself and you will use it for your next holiday!

MrsKoala Thu 15-May-14 17:18:20

I think whatever you donate should be gratefully accepted. And it is rude to 'expect' parents to pay for your 'big day' (a friend of my dad's daughter sat him down told him she'd decided on the wedding she wanted, said she had booked it and told him he needed to pay £38k by x date. shock He said no and gave her £5k ).

However, i don't think you should compare what you got given unless you got married very recently. £1000 buys a lot less now than it did 10 or 20 years ago. I also think it's irrelevant, you give what YOU want to give.

MaxPepsi Thu 15-May-14 17:18:47

She's getting married later this year? As in less than 6 months time?

Does she want you to get in debt?

It's more than reasonable.

How is the relationship normally?

beanynamechange Thu 15-May-14 17:18:55

Well she's clearly ungrateful, which is sad, personally I'd want to say 'if our money isn't good enough for you we will keep what we have offered..' but I probably wouldn't

I asked both of my parents for help with my wedding, my dad gave me £100 and my mum £70.. Both got thank you cards, and special involvement in the day.. But saying that my wedding is only costing £1500.. But even so, we planned it so we could cover all of it, any help given just takes the pressure off slightly..

Depends how rich you are.

If you're sat in a million quid house forking caviar into your mouth while stroking the pony she's probably got a point.

If you're on £20k, live modestly and go to Butlins then you're not.

I do think either way though that she's a bit over entitled.

Agree with bogeyface

If you can't afford to get married, don't. You shouldn't expect others to contribute.

Bogeyface Thu 15-May-14 17:20:13

I dont see what the holidays have got to do with anything.

The OP can spend her money on what she likes. The DSD wanted a contribution and has been offered one. It isnt up to her, or anyone else, to say "WEll you could afford more!", thats not how it works! Gracefully accept what you have been offered or dont, but dont be so grasping and ungrateful.

1000 doesn't go very far towards the wedding costs.

Then have the wedding you can afford instead of planning a big bash and expecting your parents to stump up for it.

NadiaWadia Thu 15-May-14 17:20:27

Hmm tricky. It depends on so many factors, how well off you are, how much the wedding will cost, whether her DM is able to contribute, etc. etc. People do seem to spend vast amounts on weddings these days and personally I think its a bit excessive, but depends what is the norm within your social circle, I suppose.

Re: the £1,000 each you and your DH got from your respective parents when you married, OK, but this is a second marriage for him, (don't know about you) isn't it the norm to have a bigger wedding when you are younger/doing it for the first time? I'm not sure about this, though. Your DSD is obviously feeling hurt, though she has expressed herself ungraciously.

MrsBungle Thu 15-May-14 17:20:38

Well I think she's ungrateful! I didn't ask my parents for a penny when dh and I got married. She should be embrasssed. What a spoilt brat.

Trinovantes Thu 15-May-14 17:21:36

I'm another one whose reaction was "ungrateful moo". I think every time she sends an email to complain about it, or brings it up in a conversation, you should knock a tenner off! Like the wedding equivalent of a swear jar.

BeCool Thu 15-May-14 17:21:38

has she been lead to believe that her Dad had old school beliefs towards paying for daughters wedding - lots of parents pay for it still don't they?

Of course there is the MN school of thought where you shouldn't expect anything from anyone least of all money of a [present from any person whatsoever if you choose to marry.

Do you have DC with DH? What are your plans re contributing to their weddings?

I don't think there is enough info here to decide who if anyone is BU.

shellistar Thu 15-May-14 17:21:52

I don't think the OP's income, amount of annual holidays or year she got married is relevant.

They were asked, offered a reasonable amount and have had it thrown in their faces.

I'd tell her £1000 or nothing.

uggmum Thu 15-May-14 17:22:10

We got married 20 years ago. We paid for our own wedding. We had no financial contribution from either set of parents and they did not offer.

We had a lovely wedding. We cut back and economised where possible. It was a great day.

I've already told both my dc that I would probably give them a small contribution but other than that it's up to them to find it.

I don't feel mean. But my dc have a good life, a comfortable home and I will support them thru university. Once I've done that I will enjoying spending my money on me.

expatinscotland Thu 15-May-14 17:23:24

She's an ungrateful mare.

GemmaTeller Thu 15-May-14 17:23:27

Is DSD working?

If so, she should be saving up for her own wedding and gratefully accepting any family contributions.

My son got married when he was 30, they both have good jobs and were not expecting any of the parents or step parents to contribute.

We gave them £1000 towards the wedding.

jeanmiguelfangio Thu 15-May-14 17:23:35

Jeez, we never asked for contributions when we got married, that way we had the wedding we wanted. To ask for a contribution and then say its not enough, well thats just rude!

cutefluffybunnes Thu 15-May-14 17:23:52

She is an adult and any outside funding for the wedding is a gift. She should expect to have the wedding she can afford.

£1000 could either pay for a whole wedding or barely cover invitations, depending on where she's getting married and what she's planning.

Either way, she was acting like a child rather than an adult to presume that your finances are her concern. It's your money and if you go on 5* holidays with it, it is for you to decide.

How old is DSD? Do you have any children to whom you might contribute more?

PenelopeKeeling Thu 15-May-14 17:24:09

I also think she is ungrateful. How old is she? If you are getting married, you are an adult. Adults pay their way. If you can't afford something then, guess what, you can't have it. People may contribute, but asking for money is rude. Stropping because you think it isn't enough is beyond the pale.

I don't think it matters how much money OP has. It's not like an expensive wedding is essential. OP and H have presumably earned their money themselves, and can do as they wish with it.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now