To not want to give away my baby's things?

(56 Posts)
BumpAndGrind Mon 12-May-14 12:46:56

My DD is 6 months old and has just outgrown her moses basket sad I have moved it and put it under the loft hatch ready to be moved up there when I can be arsed As not to drip feed I should mention that the moses basket was bought by my parents as a gift, from a NCT Nearly New Sale.

Today my Mum asked me if she could have it for my Auntie, I asked her what my Auntie wanted it for and she said she wanted to give it to my cousin, who is currently in her second tri of pregnancy after 4 years trying and a miscarriage in that time too (obviously over the moon for her).

Anyway, as I said no my mum acted as if I was being all unreasonable and reminded me that she paid or it?! I don't think she actually expected me to say no.

I told her that I was saving it for number two and she said 'more fool you, you won't cope with two'.

As it stands, I had severe HG, spent most of my pregnancy in hospital on a drip, lost over a stone and gave birth at 31 weeks. My and DP wanted 2 children, but now we are not entirely sure I can go through it again, I am now high risk for HG and premature birth. We discussed it and said we would keep the baby stuff and revisit the idea when DD turns 2.

Now I'm wondering if I'm being unreasonable, but I feel if I lend out one thing, it will become all things and I won't get them back. It's not just for a possible number two either, but sentimental reason too, but I know my mum would poo-poo those reasons.

She has made me feel mean, but can be toxic so my judgement is muddled.

I should also add, my cousin has not asked me directly, my Auntie asked my mum...

Sorry, this is probably a bit longer that it needs to be blush

squoosh Mon 12-May-14 12:50:33

Your mother's comment 'more fool you, you won't cope with two' is waaaaaaaay out of line. Is she normally that bitchy?

If you're planning anothe rbaby it would be silly to give all your stuff away however I think it would be a nice gesture to give something to your cousin, especially seeing the hard time she's been through. Maybe not the Moses basket if you're especially attached to that but something else.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Mon 12-May-14 12:52:09

If it truly was a gift then it now belongs to you, and you're the one who gets to decide what happens to it.

I expect your mother's reaction is because she's already promised it to the cousin "because BumpAndGrind won't mind." But you do.

In the grand scheme of things I don't think I'd mind if someone borrowed something like that from me but you are entitled to feel entirely differently.

RedPony Mon 12-May-14 12:53:48

You and only you decide what happens to your baby's things. It doesn't matter who bought it, if it was a gift then it is yours and you do not have to give it away if you don't want to. I think it's really cheeky of other people to offer your stuff away ad it's not theirs to give away. keep it until you have decided what to do with it smile

I would have seen red and told her that I was unaware that the Moses basket gift came with conditions and next time to shove any gifts up her arse!
You aren't being unreasonable for saying no, of course you aren't!

Nomama Mon 12-May-14 12:53:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HecatePropylaea Mon 12-May-14 12:55:09

You don't have to lend/give your baby things away, no. People do it if they choose to and normally understanding that there is a good chance that either they won't get it back or it won't be in too good condition when they do. If you have plans for it and want to keep it in good condition, you have that right.

What about saying mum, I thought you gave it to me. I assumed it was a gift. Are you saying that it was not a gift? how can you tell me what to do with a gift?

Actually, tbh though, I'd either give it to her, along with everything else she 'gave' and buy another one if/when the time came, or say oh well, I thought it was a gift, but since if wasn't, here is a cheque. I have now bought it from you." and be done (and never accept any other 'gift' from her).

fifi669 Mon 12-May-14 12:55:16

If you know you won't get them back YANBU.

Your mum is BU saying that she bought it. That's nice. It's yours now.

Is money tight for them? Are you close to your cousin? I wouldn't want to give it away if they're family in name only IYSWIM.

If you do get on, they're skint and you could happily talk about wanting it back when she's done (to the cousin) then YAB a bit U

whereisthewitch Mon 12-May-14 12:55:57

I'd just tell her tough luck....unless she's really hard up or your aunts is then they can get their own stuff.
I didn't lend any of my baby stuff out, I wanted to keep it good for baby no.2. Once our family is complete then I will give it all to someone in need of it who perhaps can't afford the stuff.

tutu100 Mon 12-May-14 12:59:23

I don't think YABU not wanting to give your baby stuff away. Your baby is still very young and I was attached to my kids stuff emotionally even after they'd outgrown it. My youngest is 5 now and I have only just started selling or giving away items and I feel a sad pang everytime I do it.

I'd give your mum the money for the moses basket so you don't have to feel guilty (not that you should feel guilty anyway).

Your mum's comment about you not being able to cope with a 2nd baby is out of order. I had HG in both my pregnancies. Initially after ds1 I didn't think I would have any more children as it was awful (like you I was hospitalised, but I didn't have him early). Eventually when ds1 was about 2 I started desperately wanting another baby, dp took a bit of convincing, but I got pregnant when ds1 was 2 years 9 months. When you do think about having another baby all I would say is make sure you have help available for your eldest child. When I was pregnant with ds2, ds1 didn't go to nursery or anything as I was a SAHM, and when I had to go into hospital it was a nightmare finding childcare for him (my DP works as a teacher so time off is quite difficult). Also he spent a lot of time watching tv and playing on the computer (thank god for you tube), whilst I threw up. So I do wish that either I'd waited a bit longer till he was at playschool or school as it was very hard having HG and a toddler. That said I coped better with the HG 2nd time around.

Good Luck with everything and don't give your moses basket away unless you want to.

BumpAndGrind Mon 12-May-14 12:59:43

Yes, she is normally that bitchy. I've started threads about her toxic behaviour before.

Which is why I am posting, I'm not sure if AIBU because she emotionally manipulates me.

If I am being a bit precious then I will loan it out can't guarantee I would get it back though

I should add that Auntie and Cousin live 100 mile away, so it's not as it I can just pop in for it one day.

EatDessertFirst Mon 12-May-14 12:59:52

Don't let your mum make you feel bad. You have every right to keep whatever you want. You don't have to give anything away.

Her comments about you not being able to cope with two are atrocious. You obviously had a emotional time so its no surprise that you may be emotional about letting go of stuff. If that was my mother I would tell her to take a running jump! How dare she speak about you like that!

FWIW, I still can't bring myself to get rid of the moses basket or cot bed my two had. They are both in the loft. My DC are 3 and 5!! And I cried when my beloved Maclaren XT finally gave up the ghost. We aren't having anymore children (so we don't need to keep it) but noone could persuade me to get rid of anything I didn't want to.

technosausage Mon 12-May-14 13:02:05

I used my ds basket for toy storage, its yours to do as you wish with.

Waltonswatcher1 Mon 12-May-14 13:02:14

You hang onto everything ! I've had 3 with god awful pregnancies and I reckon I'm lucky to have got through it but it wouldn't put me off having a fourth . Despite it all, my consultant said they'd support me again .
As it happens I am stopping at 3 and consider myself truly blessed .
Stop listening to your mother / in laws - this brings about a far stress free life !

grocklebox Mon 12-May-14 13:05:41

She was well out of order. But I would lend it if you know it will come back.

BumpAndGrind Mon 12-May-14 13:08:43

Yes, I live with my mum.

Things were a struggle for us because I was too ill to work when pregnant, wasn't entitled to SSP and too ill to jump through the ESA hoops (whole other thread that one).

My brothers DS is only 2.5 so I got most of my stuff donated to me in the first place, which I will have to give back, like the pram and cot and things. The moses basket is one of the few things that are mine iyswim.

Me and DP aren't even sure we could put me through another pregnancy, our wedding is booked for the month before DD turns two so we will only revisit the idea then. I feel sad to thing she might be my only and I want to keep it even more then.

squoosh Mon 12-May-14 13:10:46

Definitely hang on to the moses basket, it clearly has a lot of sentimental value.

Koothrapanties Mon 12-May-14 13:14:00

Nope yanbu. I'm not parting with any of dds stuff. She may be the only baby I ever have and I'm keeping everything for sentimental reasons. I can't bear to part with any of it. It's all going into the loft for me to look at and sob over when I feel like it.

BumpAndGrind Mon 12-May-14 13:34:08

Thanks

I thought I was being really selfish and unreasonable for a little while then.

I'll ask DP what he thinks.

Littlemisstax Mon 12-May-14 19:18:01

Keep it. DF kept my cot in the loft. I had a new base put in it for DD and now DS sleeps I it. DD loves the fact that we all had the same cot.

Stupidgrl Mon 12-May-14 19:22:01

Your cousin is probably praying that her mum won't give her. Second hand Moses basket borrowed from somewhere! You may be doing her a favour.

CSIJanner Mon 12-May-14 19:24:28

Its one of the few things you actually have for your baby? Keep it and when you can, get out. Congratulations on your DD - my friend had HG and it was awful both times. So even though it was hard this time, in 2 years, who knows how you'll be. My friend was a lot better on her second than her first.

Teladi Mon 12-May-14 19:28:41

My mum has also informed me post-gift that there were strings attached - she gave me a pram when my DD was born and then in the course of a conversation some months later indicated that I couldn't lend it to my SIL or a friend if they had a baby because my DSis might need it (she is younger and no indication that she is going to be having DC anytime soon) I had actually been thinking about selling it because I don't think I'm going to have another DC, but now I'm hanging onto it just in case I do get the opportunity to lend it to someone else!!

I get it, and it's annoying. You can choose what you want to do with your own stuff.

Bahhhhhumbug Mon 12-May-14 19:30:37

Sorry but what a cah your mum sounds. She sounds the sort who will overrule you and find it in her house wherever you hide it and just give it away. I wouldn't hold your breath about getting it back either especially if they live 100 miles away. Family don't usually give a second thought to the logistics of returning things once they have their clawas in them <bitter experience> and it will keep getting brushed aside on the grounds they are so far away so not easily returned.
I think you should make your priority getting the hell outta there from under this controlling bossy womans roof.

parentalunit Mon 12-May-14 19:42:15

Oh dear, the comment from your mum was very unkind. Who is she to judge whether you will cope with two.

Keep the moses basket if you want to. If was a gift, meaning that you own it now.

So sorry you have to deal with this. Best of luck with your baby, take lots of pictures and videos, they grow up so quickly!

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