to think it's pretty poor form to only be interested in your child when they're with you?

(11 Posts)
spottymog Sun 11-May-14 15:49:04

My dd is 6 and exH and I have been separated for her entire life. We've both moved on and have new spouses and children. He sees dd every two or three weeks and I never hear from him between contact to enquire as to her wellbeing, nor does he engage if I try and discuss health, school or extra-curricular activities for example.

I am happy for him to see her more, ask about her, phone her etc which he knows. I have two dsc and dd sees dh speaking to them several times per week, taking time off for school events (for her too, not just dsc) and travelling three times further than her dad does for contact and I think it's starting to click that her dad isn't all that interested sad

She asks if he asks about her and asks to see her or speak to her and I don't want to hurt her feelings, but nor am I prepared to lie or big him up. His excuse is that dd can tell him things herself when he sees her but, at 6, theres no way she can remember what she's done over three weeks and as a result he knows little about her.

Aibu to think it's pretty crap to only be interested in her when she's with him?

SoFetch Sun 11-May-14 15:51:02

YANBU. That is pretty crap.

I'm sorry OP, I have no words of advice, just hugs for your DD.

NewNameForSpring Sun 11-May-14 16:56:10

On the bright side at least he is not interfering with your new set up. If he had different ideas about what she should be doing with regard to schooling, hobbies etc, it would be a pain, not a help.

I understand your pain for your daughter though. Do you know what is going on in your x's head? Is he a selfish type? Maybe he thinks it is best to let her be settled in between visits?

DS's dad is like this. He just moved to Cornwall too (which is 1 2hr drive, one way) for no obvious reason other than it's pretty hmm

He's also had a 'breakdown' and not got in contact with us since the start of March. But of course he cares when he does see him apparantly so that's fine...

I'm just letting DS come to his own conclusions about it when he's old enough and trying to soften it a bit for him until he's a tad older (poor kid's only 3). The worst part is that if I were to suggest that it's best he just doesn't bother as he's clearly not interested he'd be outraged etc hmm

I think it's only niggling guilt that makes him bother at all really.

windchime Sun 11-May-14 17:00:04

I think he would be damned if he did and damned if he didn't tbh.

EatShitDerek Sun 11-May-14 17:03:30

I don't contact my sons dad when he has our son. If I'm needed then he will be in touch.

TinkyWinkyDipsyLalaPo Sun 11-May-14 17:27:41

Derek I'm assuming there isn't 3 weeks passing each time he has your DC though.

DDs dad is exactly like this, I think it is just contact for his conscience. He seems to want to do what's right and is a nice enough man but at the end of the day he just doesn't really care. He said he hadn't bonded with her early on, not sure it's improved much.

I think it's hard for some men to see their children as 'theirs' when they've never lived with them or actively patented from day one, even when this is their choice.

spottymog Mon 12-May-14 07:18:09

I think the problem with my exH TinkyWinky is that he like the 'rights' of her being his but not the responsibility.

newname he tells dd he works away/I won't let him see her more or speak to her. None of its true. Just don't know how his wife can think he's a good dad when he shows such little regard for his firstborn.

Aeroflotgirl Mon 12-May-14 07:31:21

That is shit op, he's a part time father, your dd is coming to her own realisation of how he is really like. No I would not lie but would tell the truth if she asks but think about how you word it to her. He should be coming to her events, take an interest in his dd apart from the time she is with him!

hellsbells76 Mon 12-May-14 07:38:58

My ex is the same: moved to the very far northern highlands when DS was 4 and has him to stay in the holidays but hardly contacts him at all in term time. I've raised it with him several times but nothing changes. DS is now 12 and coming to his own conclusions about his dad's fuckwittery and isn't really bothered whether he sees him or not (he's staying with us for most of the next half term because there's something he'd rather do here). I can see a time in the very near future when he won't want to visit at all and I certainly won't make him. On the plus side, his lack of involvement does make things easier wrt school etc (DS has Asperger's and I have a lot of meetings with the school - ex refuses to accept the diagnosis and won't discuss it so I just get on with things without his input.) Children do notice these things and will know who was there for them in their childhood and who couldn't give a toss, and in the end it's your ex who will lose out.

TaliZorahVasNormandy Mon 12-May-14 09:14:22

My DD's dad is the same, he sees her for a few hours every 6 weeks, and thats only because his parents have her over the holidays. He hardly calls, its like for him, shes out of sight, so he doesnt have to worry.

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