To be annoyed that I keep getting ignored like this

(37 Posts)
GotAnotherQuestion Sun 11-May-14 15:41:11

I am married with 2 young children.

I have a debilitating chronic neurological illness so get extremely tired and need rest to get through the day. I make this just 1 or 1.5 hours a day because I know it impacts on everyone else, but the truth is it's not enough and it shows (I am not coping well in life and look constantly worn out).

My husband now has ulcerative colitis which makes him feel tired too. Every day off he gets, there is an opportunity for both of us to rest for an hour or two while the baby sleeps mid-morning. I take this opportunity so it causes least impact on anyone else, but he refuses and wants to do hobbies instead, which in a way I can understand because I miss the ability to do my own hobbies.

But the problem is, having declined the chance to sleep, he wants to sleep later in the day when the baby is awake. This means I have 2 pre-school children to entertain single handedly while husband leaves me to it and sleeps.

It seems so selfish and I've mentioned how it's not very fair, but am always ignored and am getting so fed up of this!

His day consists of: play am and sleep pm, and mine is rest am and babysit 2 little ones pm. Is it me or would anyone else be frustrated by this?

lionheart Sun 11-May-14 15:44:54

Yep, you both have needs and it has to be give and take.

restandpeace Sun 11-May-14 15:49:30

Yep agree

WhoNickedMyName Sun 11-May-14 15:49:52

What's stopping you telling him you're off for a rest and leaving the children with him? Just like he does with you.

CoffeeTea103 Sun 11-May-14 15:50:56

You can't give someone a set time to sleep. On the other hand you can do your hobbies as well when he is at home.

emuloc Sun 11-May-14 15:58:40

Sorry if I have read your post wrong OP, but if your husband is working then he is maybe doing his hobby at a time when he is able to.

Floggingmolly Sun 11-May-14 16:00:53

Don't either of you work?

If you were both asleep at the same time, who would look after the pre-schooler who's not a baby? I don't think you can tell another adult when to sleep hmm

Littleturkish Sun 11-May-14 16:33:12

This is insane. Has his consultant said he needs to sleep more? I know many UC sufferers, and yes when flaring and up all night you might need to kip in the day- but I don't actually know anyone who does!

Is it the anaemia making him tired? Iron tablets?

GotAnotherQuestion Sun 11-May-14 16:49:50

Unfortunately the older one is watching cbeebies while his Dad is down the bottom of the garden in his shed doing whatever current project interests him.

This does mean my rest can get interrupted if he needs something, because you can't hear a thing from the shed, but often he is happy to go a while without needing anything. However I wouldn't want him to watch any more tv that day.

We both work bloody hard, roughly 12 hour shifts, the difference being his is outside the home and mine involves looking after 2 children! In fact he often says that going to work is easier than being at home because at least you get assigned meal breaks and can take a breather when you want to!

I agree ideally you can't tell an adult when to sleep, but I find myself on that position, as when I try to copy him and do my own thing in the morning, I get penalised for asking for a sleep in the afternoon when it is much less convenient.

GotAnotherQuestion Sun 11-May-14 16:51:24

He's not anaemic but is on immunosuppressants which are a lot like chemo. He's chronically tired and I suspect possibly depressed with it but he denies that.

emuloc Sun 11-May-14 17:01:56

The poor man, he sounds really ill and still works. Is he going to get better?

littlemisssarcastic Sun 11-May-14 17:12:59

I know you don't want to impact on anyone else, but would your family or close friends be able to help you?

Fairenuff Sun 11-May-14 17:17:43

But on his days off you can both take it in turns to sleep, do your hobbies and watch the children, so surely it works in your favour?

MrsDeVere Sun 11-May-14 17:25:49

I understand your frustration.
It has taken years of working things out between me and my OH to get to the right compromise.
It was particularly difficult when I was pregnant and there were things I need to do (rest) and things I couldn't do so easily (going up and down the stairs 40 times a day, picking stuff up off the floor, lifting etc)

Is this a new diagnosis for your OH? He may need time to process it all.
If he has just found out he has got a debilitating illness he will feel his life has changed forever.
Giving up his hobbies may seem like the last straw.

My OH clings on to staying up really late. He doesn't want to 'give in' and go to bed at 10pm.
I have to give him that.

GotAnotherQuestion Sun 11-May-14 17:46:04

No it's not new, it's been a couple of years.

gamerchick Sun 11-May-14 17:56:35

I'm not understanding properly.. are you saying you go to bed for a couple of hours and want your bloke to do the same while your eldest is left alone?

gordyslovesheep Sun 11-May-14 18:02:27

Yes that's the bit that's concerning me - you can't be leaving the eldest one alone

GotAnotherQuestion Sun 11-May-14 18:43:12

The trouble is that he's left alone when 'babysat' by his Dad. It's actually worse because his Dad is out of the premises, whereas I am just in the next room with the doors open. He's actually pretty content to watch his cbeebies or put the octonauts DVD on. If his Dad were to have a rest he would go upstairs for it.

littlemisssarcastic Sun 11-May-14 18:58:31

How old are your DC OP?

Southpaws Sun 11-May-14 18:58:50

It sounds like a very difficult situation but surely a pre schooler shouldn't be being left alone for 1-1.5 hours, whether the parents are asleep or at the bottom of the garden?? Dd is nearly 4 and I wouldn't dream of leaving her for that long and no one else I know would either. It sounds like you need to ask him to come inside and properly attend to your ds while you sleep and then he sleeps in the afternoon.

GotAnotherQuestion Sun 11-May-14 18:59:22

Baby is under a year and preschooler is 4.

littlemisssarcastic Sun 11-May-14 19:00:15

Leaving a 4 year old to watch tv while you sleep is a bit different to leaving a 2 year old to watch tv while you sleep.
Can you sleep in the same room as your preschooler?

GotAnotherQuestion Sun 11-May-14 19:02:00

Don't people leave their 4 year olds in the front room while they cooker dinner? Our house is fairy open plan and there is a partition serving to separate the kitchen and lounge.

Maybe it would be different if we were heavy sleepers but we aren't. And sometimes it just takes lying still in the quiet rather than actually sleeping.

GotAnotherQuestion Sun 11-May-14 19:02:45

No I could never have tried it when the eldest was 2. Or even 3.

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