to find it hard to trust him with ds now.

(47 Posts)
medic78 Sun 11-May-14 13:12:09

Ds is 20 months old. I had to pick up ds1 from an activity. I was probably gone 20 minutes. I left ds2 with dh and dd who is 7. As usual ds2 cried as I was leaving. Upon my return ds2 was asleep on the floor by the dor and dh was upstairs playing a computer game. I assumed dh had been downstairs with him trying to comfort him and eventually he fell asleep.
However dh came down to watch tv and said. "O he is asleep than. I thought he must be"
Aibu that it is not acceptable to go upstairs to pay a game leaving a probably distressed toddler downstairs with a 7 year old.
Background. Dh hasn't bonded that well with ds as he had very little contact when young. He was breastfed and came everywhere with me. I did all the basic care. Ds wasn't planned either and he claims lack of bonding is down to me still breastfeeding. Not because I felt the need to protect dh from his crying as he needed sleep.
Thank you

petalsandstars Sun 11-May-14 13:28:06

Yanbu - lazy manchild

jpy1989 Sun 11-May-14 13:28:50

Firstly bloody men!!!!! Poor little thing it must have been so hard for you to come home to that happening I think you need to sit down with hubby and have a proper chat about it especially because you won't want to leave them together happily which will just make things worse of course you will have a closer connection by bf him that is to be expected but he can still have a close relationship with him does he help with them like bath them change them have playtime? You really need to say something about it and how much it's upset you xxx

Gobbolinothewitchscat Sun 11-May-14 13:30:56

Um....that's pretty bad. I'd be really worried and upset if DH didn't comfort DdD and DS if they were crying.

Also, if he's at hime and needs a sleep he should be in his bag and in his cot. How horrid to leave him to sleep on the floor

Pagwatch Sun 11-May-14 13:32:13

It's not 'bloody men' !

My DH was a dad at 23 and wouldn't have played a fucking game instead of looking after his child.

It's this man.

Gobbolinothewitchscat Sun 11-May-14 13:32:20

jpy - enough with the "bloody men". Lots of men wouldn't dream of doing this so please don't tar men as a group with the same brush

medic78 Sun 11-May-14 13:32:33

Does play with him. Hardly ever changes him. Maybe 20 nappies in his whole. Most of those post csection and I had to ask him to do it. Never does bathtime and didn't do other dc either although much more hands on generally with them when they were small.

CoffeeTea103 Sun 11-May-14 13:36:07

Not "bloody men". Please don't generalize because you got stuck with a useless one. Sorry that he isn't up to scratch, you need to speak to him about this. It's not acceptable.

ThinkIveBeenHacked Sun 11-May-14 13:36:45

How awful to think of your little one left sobbing at the front door until he conks out while your DH ignores him sad

CoffeeTea103 Sun 11-May-14 13:37:00

Sorry that's to jpy.

slightlyconfused85 Sun 11-May-14 13:41:42

YANBU. That is ridiculous and unpleasant. My DD often cries if I leave her even with her dad, but it goes on for about 10 seconds then he distracts her and they have a great time together - she loves to be with him.

Not 'bloody men' at all - my DH has his moments but would never do this.

jpy1989 Sun 11-May-14 13:42:50

Sorry I've clearly offended alot of you and my hubby is a brilliant daddy all I meant by it was that they don't necessarily realise things as much was just trying to make her feel a bit better! Apologies for the offence!

Morloth Sun 11-May-14 13:58:28

Doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize a sobbing ttoddler might need a bit more attention than a game.

The fact that his reproductive organs are on the outside has no bearing on his shit behavior.

itsmethechubbyfunster Sun 11-May-14 14:14:01

I cannot believe that this man left his own child downstairs to cry himself to sleep on the floor whilst he played his computer games.

That is not even 'controlled crying' which I'm not keen on either - it's not 'he was so tired he just needed to sleep so I left him in his cot to CIO'

what happened here was neglect.
he left his son in distress so he could go upstairs and play his games.

What is it you like so much about this man that means you would put your children in that position by staying with him?

you need to LTB. now.

ICanSeeTheSun Sun 11-May-14 14:18:53

DH is a gamer, but no way would he had fucked off on a game and leave our child distress to the point of falling asleep on the floor.

Gobbolinothewitchscat Sun 11-May-14 14:21:39

Doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize a sobbing ttoddler might need a bit more attention than a game.

This.

^ all I meant by it was that they don't necessarily realise things as much was just trying to make her feel a bit better!^

*jpy - I know you've apologised but look at what you're saying. What do you mean "they"? It's not correct that all men "don't necessarily realise things as much" and it's actually really offensive. That might be your very valid experience but please don't generalise - it's certainly not my experience of the men I know and obviously not of other posters on the thread.

ICanSeeTheSun Sun 11-May-14 14:21:40

There is many ways he could have bonded.

Bf ds so DH used to bath him and get him changed, talked to him and held and cuddled him.

How dare he try to use breast feeding as a reason he didn't bond.

OxfordBags Sun 11-May-14 14:25:19

The breastfeeding thing is a red herring. Good Dads are caring, attentive and loving parents because they put the effort in, no matter how closely or for how long a baby or child is glued to the mother's boobs. The lack of bonding is down to him being an arsehole. It disgusts me to think of a tiny child sobbing whilst his father thinks a fantasy world upstairs is more important. And it's not fair to force your young DD to be a sort of surrogate mother to her brother because her father is too inadequate to parent in even the most basic way.

WorraLiberty Sun 11-May-14 14:28:44

That is pure neglect - plain and simple.

ThePriory Sun 11-May-14 14:30:15

I can only assume your DH is a teenager, who unwittingly made a child while he is still one himself.

No? Then he is a neglectful, lazy, selfish nob end!

Absolutely neglectful.

Jenny70 Sun 11-May-14 14:30:29

And what was 7yr old DD up to? That actually concerns me too, my youngest would often tantrum to sleep and any intervention made it worse (but we did keep him under covert watch). But was 7yr old trying to deal with younger brother, busy, in front of tv etc? Because it sounds like he did zero supervision of either child, which is obviously not acceptable.

Foodylicious Sun 11-May-14 14:33:29

I am struggling with him not even being in the same room as a 20 month old! never mind playing computer games upstairs!!
Your dd is 7, but unless/even if she was given strict instructions I would not leave a 20 month old in her charge for more that a few minutes while i went for a pee, put washing upstairs or something similar.
Absolutely not acceptable behavior of an adult never mind a parent.
How was he with the other 2 children when they were small??
Oh, and this would have been a good opportunity for him to spend time with ds while you were out, so no more excuses about not having chance to bond.

medic78 Sun 11-May-14 16:02:02

Much better with other two. Although they were planned so maybe this is part of it. Serious conversation needed when children in bed.

adoptmama Sun 11-May-14 16:12:56

YANBU and from what you say in your final paragraph in the OP you have some big issues you need to work on.

I'd say the question is not whether you are BU over this, but what do you intend to do to get your DH to start acting like the father your kids need him to be.

Morloth Sun 11-May-14 16:24:53

It is tough shot that the baby wasn't planned.

He is here now and he had no choice at any point. Your DH needs to man the fuck up and take responsibility for his actions and choices.

Your little boy was right to cry for you, he wasn't safe with his dad.

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