To not want my friend to tell my DCs off all the time in their own home?

(52 Posts)
ladyandthelamp Sat 10-May-14 18:10:18

In fact, I don't want her to tell them off at all really.

I see a lot of my friend. She has one DC, I have two. My eldest DC and her DC are friends. My children aren't badly behaved, in general I would say they are pretty good, however I don't stand any nonsense from them.

My friend doesn't discipline her child at all, and in all honesty he isn't that well behaved, yet when we meet up all she does is tell my children (aged 8 and 4) off. And usually they haven't actually done anything wrong, they're just doing things that are perfectly allowable and acceptable in our house.

Today she popped round, and as it was lunch time I made lunch for all the DCs, including hers. Her DS is very fussy with food and didn't eat anything and just left the table. My friend then took it upon herself to sit next to my 4 year old DS and start trying to coax him to eat more sandwiches, even though he was eating well. I then brought over a squeezy yoghurt for each child and put it on their plates, and she immediately took them off the plates again (her DS had gone into the other room) and said "No, you're not having them until you've eaten all of your sandwiches". I said "Can you give them back to them please? They know that they need to eat the majority of their lunch before they have them anyway".

Then we took the children to the local park. Both of the older children refused to wear coats or jumpers, so she kept telling my 8 year old off, saying "You'll catch a cold" and "You're naughty not to wear your coat". We went to the playground and when it was time to come home my 4 year old wasn't keen, and she started saying he would have to go on the naughty step or to bed when we got home. I just feel like she oversteps boundaries all the time.

Then when we got back to my house, she went to the loo, and there was an overnight pull up in the bin, as my 4 year old still wears them at night, and she came out of the loo and started saying to my DS "Is that your pull up in the bin, Mister?! You're a very lazy boy! You need to start using the toilet at night" and going on and on about it. Yet she has told me before that her 8 year old sometimes wets the bed at night still!

What is the best way to deal with her?

WooWooOwl Sat 10-May-14 18:14:26

Tell her to fuck off?

Seriously, I wouldn't tolerate someone telling my child they were lazy for wearing a pull up at night at four years old.

YoureBeingASillyBilly Sat 10-May-14 18:16:03

You need to tell her straight, look her in the eye and say "dont tell my children off please" say it firmly and hold her gaze to make sure she knows you mean permanently and not just at that moment.

She will likely be a bit funny and embarrassed/ defensive for a while but if she's a friend she will get it and bite her tongue.

missuswife Sat 10-May-14 18:17:02

YANBU, that would drive me nuts. I agree with Silly's advice.

wonderingsoul Sat 10-May-14 18:17:25

tell her to fuck off & to worry aout her ow child!!!!

MammaTJ Sat 10-May-14 18:18:31

I was thinking it was all pretty minor stuff until you got to the pull up bit.

My DS is still in pull ups at night and he is 7. It has fuck all to do with laziness and everything to do with not producing the hormone they need to produce to be ready for being dry at night.

She would have known how pissed off I was at this immediately and forcefully.

basgetti Sat 10-May-14 18:19:55

Tell her that you are perfectly capable of dealing with your own children, and perhaps she should concentrate on her own DS who hasn't eaten anything, won't wear his coat etc. Although I think I would just tell her to fuck off after her comments about the pull up tbh. She sounds like an inadequate parent who can't control her own child so is trying to exert some sort of power by bossing around yours.

Itsfab Sat 10-May-14 18:20:04

She sounds like she has an over inflated opinion of her role in your children's life's. I would be taking a long break from having her around I think. It is never nice for kids to not see their friends as much or at all but she is being cruel with the pull up comment and annoying over yogurts and coats.

DIYtrainee Sat 10-May-14 18:20:08

I seriously couldn't have someone like this as a friend. No way, no how.

How dare she!!!!

Tell her 'Could you just focus on your own child please, and leave mine alone?'

YouTheCat Sat 10-May-14 18:20:12

Stop inviting her over.

FiveExclamations Sat 10-May-14 18:20:35

I wonder if she's trying to divert attention from her own child's issues? If there is a strong contrast in behaviour she may be braced for the criticism and trying to get in first to undermine anything she thinks you might say? Or, perhaps when she nitpicks your children it's just her convincing herself that her own children's issues aren't really that bad.

If that is what she's doing then of course she's being silly; I think I'd stick with what you are doing, politely and calmly assert your own rules over your own children and ignore her child's issues, that way she cant re-direct her frustrations and worries about her own children (assuming she feels any) into what she would like to think of as a righteous anger at you.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sat 10-May-14 18:20:37

Yes, tell her to fuck right off. And she can come back when her own child is a paragon of good behaviour and not before.

I think a clear "please let me correct my own children's behaviour when I'm around" might be enough to see her off. If not default to the "fucking-off" thing.

mineofuselessinformation Sat 10-May-14 18:22:06

I was about to say just what basgetti has!

FiveExclamations Sat 10-May-14 18:22:11

Of course I'm assuming you still want to be friends with her, telling her to fuck off works too and will be less tiring grin.

ladyandthelamp Sat 10-May-14 18:22:46

It made me so cross when she started telling DS that he had to go in his room or on the naughty step when we got home. He rarely has to sit in time out and I certainly never put him in his room for punishment.

I think those of you that say she is trying to divert attention from her own child's issues are correct.

Forgettable Sat 10-May-14 18:24:07

'I find it hurtful and upsetting when you interfere with my children's routines and comment upon their development unfavourably. Please stop.'

You might need to repeat a few times. She would show self to be extremely unreasonable if she refuses to stop, at which point you can say 'I am sick of hearing you gripe at my children even though I have asked you to stop. Please can you leave now. Thank you' and repeat - again no need to get into an argument, restate position and after she has gone delete from your life.

WipsGlitter Sat 10-May-14 18:25:04

My BIL does this and it fucks me right off. Tells them off for not eating their tea or misbehaving. He has no kids.

DaffodilsandTruffles Sat 10-May-14 18:28:52

With respect IMO you are at fault here.

How have you allowed any of this? You are in charge in your own home--or should be--. This is not difficult behaviour to resolve and it is your job to protect your children.

Stand up for your self and your DCs.

If you can't manage that - end the friendship.

MrsDeVere Sat 10-May-14 18:31:03

I had a friend who did this. She has never had boundaries for her children.
Telling my DC off was a sort of deflection thing.

My DC has SNs and was not badly behaved. Her DC would be naughty and she would tell my DC off because 'he was the oldest' hmm
SHe used to correct his grammar too hmm hmm

Wherever her youngest went a child would end up with a nasty scratch.

He once got my DC to do something he had never done before and when we found them she said 'Did mrsDV's son tell you to do it?'

I just stopped seeing her. Great for a night out but I cannot be around her parenting.

So I took the cowards way out.

Did once catch her DC on a baby monitor being really really nasty to my DC and trying to get him to do something naughty. That was fairly hilarious grin

Stupidgrl Sat 10-May-14 18:32:26

Does she have good points? She sounds awful.

Goblinchild Sat 10-May-14 18:34:34

She's your friend?
Why?
Why don't you explain to her that her opinions are not wanted, and she is not to nag your children, or call them names? Why do you have a problem setting boundaries?

QuintessentiallyQS Sat 10-May-14 18:35:25

'Could you just focus on your own child please, and leave mine alone?'

^this

Lulu1083 Sat 10-May-14 18:39:56

MrsDV what was she trying to get him to do?

Icimoi Sat 10-May-14 18:40:53

Ask her how she would feel if you start telling her dc off?

eddielizzard Sat 10-May-14 18:42:34

'just parent your own child please'

in a frosty voice.

i bet she is super-sensitive too so will go off in a huff at how unreasonable you are.

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