to think a thank you would be nice?

(73 Posts)
MargotLovedTom Sat 10-May-14 14:38:43

I'm getting a bit pissed off here and need a metaphorical shake out of it, or indeed told I ANBU.

About a week ago a friend asked me to have her two ds overnight for the coming Friday (last night) so she and her partner could go out. I agreed. Then the next day she upped the ante by asking if I'd be able to go and pick her sons up from their CM for the sleepover (which necessitates a 15 mile round trip for me) because she wouldn't have time to come home from work, bring them over then get out on time (early start). I was a bit taken aback because it's hardly round the corner but agreed as I could see it would be difficult for her otherwise. Her DP was in meetings so couldn't help out.

Then yesterday morning I get yet another request, would I be able to go to her house so her dc could collect his iPad to come to mine? I did that for them, brought them back to mine, chaos and excitement ensued with five dc in total - we eventually got them to bed after 10.30pm and DH and I went to bed soon after, shattered.

They were due to collect the boys at 9.30am. Eventually just after 11am the DP pitches up, we have a brief chat and that's it.

I have heard naff all from my friend. Not last night to ask if everything's okay. Not this morning to say thanks: nothing. If that was me I would've turned up (or sent DH if I was ropey) with a bottle of wine, or flowers/chocs, to show my appreciation for running round after her dc and having them overnight. I haven't even had a bloody text. AIBU to feel pissed off and would you say something?

500smiles Sat 10-May-14 19:47:13

Oh that's bad of her. I wondered if she'd overdone it and was spending the day groaning in bed vomiting.

MargotLovedTom Sat 10-May-14 19:58:43

That's how I feel - that it's totally dismissive and insulting.

I texted her at about 6pm to ask if she had a good night and if she's okay today and haven't had a reply. Mind that's not unusual.

I feel like sending one saying "Have I got fucking mug tattoed on my fucking forehead or what?" but I won't.

Buddy80 Sun 11-May-14 07:10:02

Please don't feel bad. You did something really lovely smile.

If it makes you feel a tiny bit better I can be too nice and giving. I look back and think "why did I go to that much effort?!" blush

Some people are takers, and some people have friendships they very much for granted. Especially, if you are always there and wonderful, etc.

It is not wrong of you to be that way, but maybe is wasted on the wrong person.

I would be tempted to follow-up and see if she is going to thank you. I have a feeling though from her sense of entitlement she may retort with some rubbish such as "Of course I am grateful! I'd do the same for you. I did not realise I had to overboard in thanking you" hmm. Or some other such rubbish.

One thing I have noticed is that I used to think "takers" used to be only that way with me. Especially if they would fawn over someone else who did nothing for them. However, I have heard about these types from other people who were fed up of them too. If your friend is a taker, just remember she may be very adapt at protecting her image of herself by deny, deny, deny.

Just disengage, draw a line under it and move on grin

MargotLovedTom Sun 11-May-14 07:44:28

Thanks Buddy80, you do speak sense. However I know if I did bluntly say 'You know I'm really pissed off that you didn't even text me a basic thank you after I really put myself out for you," then I know she'd probably be very gushy and effusive saying how sorry she was and how she totally appreciated it etc.

I sent two texts last night and have had a reply to neither. I would feel really pathetic and needy saying I'm annoyed, so they were just basic "Are you okay? Have a good night?" ones.

I'm really fucked off though, but I know if I let rip it'll cause irreprable damage.

MargotLovedTom Sun 11-May-14 07:45:26

irreparable

Only1scoop Sun 11-May-14 07:48:02

Then do nothing....

Is that three texts you have sent in total?

Leave it now....and when she eventually gets in touch you have every reason to be blunt.

She is rude.

Lacks manners.

I can't stand people like that. I bet she does it with others also.

BerniesBurneze Sun 11-May-14 07:48:53

If you ask for a thank you and see gives it, you wouldn't really want it anyway.

Don't say anything, and don't consider yourself a friend any more.

Buddy80 Sun 11-May-14 07:52:24

Margot yes, she may well try the "gushy" tactic. Funny how she could be charming when suits, eh? wink. She has probably done that before only for some poor sap to turn around and apologise to her.

I agree with only1 she is rude and I bet too she has done it with others. I am sure she can turn on the charm and be lovely. But it's just words isn't it? Being "lovely" has cost her nothing. It is just a shame she could not action it by thank you properly.

You could be petty, and in a few months mention a favour a friend has done for you and what you did to thank them.

Buddy80 Sun 11-May-14 07:53:52

The thing is, if you don't want the hassle of a fall-out and just want to draw a line, move away from the friendship slowly.

Funny thing is, I wonder if you'll get a quick thank you text tommorrow with her just saying she was swampted over the weekend.

She has treated you really quite badly.

Expected you to run round after her dc's so she didn't have to.
Picked them up 1.5 hours late.
Didn't pick up the phone to text or call to thank you.
Has ignored your texts since the night out.

She doesn't appear to hold you in high regard unless she wants something.

Cut her out, she's a user.

LynetteScavo Sun 11-May-14 08:12:43

I think she sees you as a closer friend than you see her. I wouldn't mind (well I would mind as my good friend also has a, um hardwork child) but I'd do it with out expecting more than a thank you from the do. The not responding to texts would annoy me though.

Coconutty Sun 11-May-14 08:19:41

I would not be inclined to spend much time with her anymore.

MargotLovedTom Sun 11-May-14 08:35:22

I sent two texts last night, second one simply You ok? She has form for being crap at replying to text messages (or for answering the phone or emails as well tbh, and not just with me). She really is shit in that respect.

The thing is we are very close in terms of we've seen eachother through a lot of shit, we can sit up talking for hours and have a laugh, our h/p are great friends, our dc all love spending time together.

To fall out over this would be awful, but I don't know how to make her aware that I'm pissed off at being taken for granted without coming over all needy, and her sensing implied criticism and getting defensive.

Lynette did you mean your first sentence to be the other way round?

Marcelinewhyareyousomean Sun 11-May-14 08:54:17

Arrange a sleepover for your kids and see what happens. Ask them to pick them up from school or whatever.

If it proves tricky for them to agree to, I'd stick to Coconutty's plan and disengage.

Buddy80 Sun 11-May-14 09:00:39

Margot if you feel that leaving the friendship would be OTT, by all means carry on if that is what you feel is best. However, this weekend may make you take a different view. If you chat for hours with her, that is great. Or, does she just talk? If she is rubbish at replying in general, you could give her a couple more days to respond.

KoalaDownUnder Sun 11-May-14 09:06:56

Ugh, rude.

With your latest update, OP, you could be describing a close friend of mine...down to a T.

She is incredibly flaky with time (always late for everything...not 15 minutes, but hours). Never rsvp's to anything, never thanked anyone for her wedding or baby presents, never ever picks up the phone if you call her, never replies to emails or texts in a timely fashion.

I (politely and calmly) called her on her behaviour once, when I was sick of her rudeness and of being taken for granted. She had an absolute fit over it, made a huge drama, and sent me emails saying I'd made her cry at work. shock

You can't win with these people. The only thing you can do, if you're not willing to ditch the friendship, is protect yourself by being less accommodating. Start saying 'no'. ('No, sorry, I can't pick up the iPad'). Also, put strict time limits on things like pick-ups, even if you have to white-lie, or just omit the full truth. e.g. tell her you have to leave the house to be somewhere at x time.

MargotLovedTom Sun 11-May-14 09:18:32

I think it would be very awkward, and yes, probably a bit OTT to end years of friendship over this thoughtlessness. We do both talk, it's not just me listening to her monologues.

In some ways I don't know if I'm being a drama queen. I don't expect champagne and bouquets of flowers and fawning gratitude, but I feel like I'm being blanked as opposed to thanked!

I think I'll just ask her to have mine to return the favour, and as I said earlier, give her a bottle of wine for it (I would do this anyway so it's not just to make a point!).

Buddy80 Sun 11-May-14 09:37:25

You are not being a "drama queen" not in the least. It was a big favour you did for her which cost you time and money.

Maybe, at best, if you can accept that she is not very giving or grateful you can tailor your friendship for what works for you.

pictish Sun 11-May-14 09:44:44

I know, I don't expect fawning gratitude and we've had each other's older dc sleeping over loads. In those cases it is a breezy 'Thanks!' from both of us. Her younger son is a bloody handful though who will not settle down and it was pretty fraught tbh, especially on a Friday night when you're knackered anyway. That, on top of the taxiing etc, made it feel over and above the call of duty.

See....I think you're in danger of sullying a good friendship over very little here, tbh. It sounds to me like she's the sort of pal that assumes you know she's grateful, and that she'd do the same for you.
Unless she has a habit of being takey and ungracious, while you do all the running, then I think this is one of those times you take note (self preservation and all that) but let it slide.

Mrsjayy Sun 11-May-14 10:11:09

In some ways I don't know if I'm being a drama queen. I don't expect champagne and bouquets of flowers and fawning gratitude, but I feel like I'm being blanked as opposed to thanked!

you are not being a drama queen at all how is her being rude and dissmisive of you make you dramatic hmm you are good friends and she is taking you and the friendship for granted, it really is HER not you, just don't be so available as some folk just take the piss,

I had a friend like this we still chat get on blah blah but when i was no longer at her beck and call then she sort of dumped me meh her loss

MargotLovedTom Sun 11-May-14 10:13:28

Thanks Buddy80.

I know Pictish, and I think you're right - take note and let it slide. It would be really petty of me to be all "Humph! You didn't even say thank you,", it sounds silly. I just know I felt hurt when I saw she was off at another mate's in afternoon obviously having a coffee and a nice chinwag - like I'd served my purpose doing the knackering bit and don't get a thanks or kiss me arse or anything.

Anyway! What's done is done. I'll be more aware in future, certainly (and she's definitely having my youngest overnight very soon, that'll be the best karma wink).

MargotLovedTom Sun 11-May-14 10:15:22

Sorry Mrsjayy, x post.

Definitely will be more circumspect about the favours I'm willing to do.

eddielizzard Sun 11-May-14 10:33:32

yes, the only way to redress this is for her to reciprocate. and no i wouldn't give her a bottle of wine because you'll feel resentful again. just say 'thanks, really appreciate it.'

she obviously doesn't feel the same way about thank yous as you do.

and if she doesn't have your kids, then you know she's a good old user and 'no' is a complete sentence.

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