To be annoyed by DP and his constant worries over nothing?(16 Posts)
Need perspective here, my partner has anxiety disorders so I guess a lot is because of this but he worries so much so that I have come to not take him seriously on any concerns he has mainly as it annoys me.
Now the reason it annoys me is that I'm tired and worn out being a new first time mum (LO is 4.5 months)
The things he worried and faffed about recently are:
touching baby after eating a runny egg sarnie, some of the raw egg (his words) was dried on his hands and if he touched her then she might get on hands, hands go in mouth and that's not good for her (salmonella or something).
Putting baby too close to coffee table on floor, while I sit with her in case something falls on her, obviously I don't have hot drinks near her.
Turning a corner with baby in pram and sun in her eyes for a few seconds (he panics and says quick be careful)
There are others but this is just the last 24 hours.
I don't know if he is too much or I am too slack.
By the way he does currently receive treatment for his anxiety disorder.
How can I handle this better? I tend to get snappy and angry as I'm living on not much sleep at all
Wow - that sounds like hard work for both of you. It must be difficult to reassure him about the things that are silly whilst still maintaining a normal level of concern for things that might be a danger. What kind of treatment is he having? Has he addressed the issue of fatherhood with a therapist who can help him to sort out the 'real' fears from the ones which are irrational? Does he respond to 'common sense' reasoning such as 'the sun in her eyes for two seconds won't harm her, but you can drape a muslin over the pram if you're worried' or similar?
It must be very draining for both of you to manage his worries, and I am guessing that you simply don't have the time (or possibly the inclination) to answer every concern with a well-reasoned response at the moment. Is there any kind of therapy you could attend together which would allow you to work out coping strategies which you could agree between you?
Yes he does respond to common sense as I am pretty sure I'm always doing my best to protect her from harms way and I do put muslin over pram as soon as sun comes out but it's the repetition of it really and that's why I start getting annoyed. He is a great dad though as it's all cos he cares of course. I just wonder if I'm too slack
Maybe I could ask hkm to ask his current therapist for something for both of us
Sounds a bit extreme. Do you think you are slapdash? Do you have a reputation among friends, family or at work for carelessness and unthinking behaviour.
If not the the problem may well lie with him.
If he were the mother I think we'd all be asking if PND were a possibility. But men can get something similar too I believe.
Was he bad before the baby? Could he have had OCD and the baby intensified it, or is this all new?
I can see that it must be incredibly hard to deal with at any time, but particularly when you're tired and the reality is that what he's worrying about is ridiculous. What happens when you point out that these fears are so unrealistic?
My husband also worries a lot about stuff, especially to do with the kids. It's so hard to be reassuring without being dismissive, and also to keep being confident in your own judgement when someone else is always anxious. And it means I tend to ignore his valid concerns because I'm so used to him overreacting.
I don't have a good answer, but it annoys me at times too!
He sounds how I used to be, I have OCD but am managing it better thanks to CBT, I still can be that way but no have mechanisms to cope. I must say though, getting angry won't help him, although I know you don't mean to, but perhaps just try to respond calmly as the more stressed he is the worse it will be. As hard as it can be, patience is the best thing for both of you in the long run.
OCD flare ups are common in mothers and so assume it is the same for fathers, a group for mothers with OCD was recommended to me by a midwife (http://www.maternalocd.org/index.php) and they could perhaps help.
Also, I'm sure you aren't too slack, it is probably just that when you have an anxiety disorder you are hyper aware of everything and play out unlikely scenarios, and the OCD makes you imagine the utter horror of that happening in minute detail, and tries to replay it over and over if I don't do something about it.
I hope you both feel better soon and congratulations!
Constantly voicing his anxieties must make you feel like you're treading on eggshells all the time.
Not only because you don't want to do something to cause him even more anxiety (and more stress for you
after you've chucked something at him ), but because he's making you feel as though you're doing it 'wrong' and wondering whether you're slack.
Because there isn't a list where if you do these things your DC will be safe but doing these means you're putting them at risk, so it's hard to say whether it's his anxiety talking or he's just watching out for your baby because he's her dad and wants to protect her.
Having a problem with other anxieties shouldn't necessarily mean that anything he is worried about isn't a legitimate concern, IYSWIM? There's nothing worse than being made to feel as though you're not allowed to have an opinion just because you have 'issues' with something else.
But for you to take any of his concerns seriously, he needs to find a way to allow himself to be reassured when he's genuinely being OTT.
She's your DD too, it's not fair of him to make you jumpy when you're all together.
4.5 months? Bet she's gorgeous
It does sound like his anxiety has flared up now that he is a father, he needs to get some more help now. CBT would be a very good start. He is allowed to be protective of his DD, but he needs to be more realistic about it.
Thanks guys, zigzag speaks a Lot of sense ( you all do) but it's true as I don't wanna make him feel like he can't care for her but I got to a point where I get annoyed at most comments. Constant tiredness makes things seem so much worse, I wonder if I will ever have more than 5 hours sleep each day/nite ever again!
Hi. I sympathise. My DH is similar and it drives me mad. And makes me feel as though I am a poor parent. Also, I don't actually think it's good for a child to be so cushioned from their environment, certainly not at my son's age (18 months). It's also not good for my DH - he's going to burn himself out with worry. I don't know the answer, tbh, but will watch with interest.
His worries sound way over the top but that's to be expected in light of his disorder. I agree that him seeking further help is a good idea. In the meantime, how does he cope without you? IE can he go and wash the egg off his hands safely and then return to caring for DD or does he need to come and talk to you about it? Is there any scope for him doing done solo parenting so you can get some rest?
Yes he is ok looking after her without me but also like nano ninja said, I don't want her to be In such a cushioned environment as I worry it will make her a scared child if you know what I mean. I suppose I know the answer I just wondered if I'm being horrible, he says I talk down to him which is hurtful to hear as I really don't want to do that but tired and sometimes snappy at him and I don't mean it but he is sensitive and of course takes it in. I knew people said having a baby affects relationships but I didn't realise how hard it would be.
It does get easier as you get more sleep, but also the baby gets mobile and starts getting into trouble by crawling everywhere and eating everything he/she can find on the floor. I've found it harder as DC1 has got older and started having her own wants. She and DH clash when she wants to do things that DH thinks she shouldn't. And it's hard to present a united parenting front when you disagree with what your DH is saying.
I've found it invaluable having someone else that DH can talk to about parenting (his elder sister in my case, who has teenagers). Having someone to talk to who isn't so closely involved with the DC gives him perspective that I can't. Also, he's often reassured my meet ups with other mums/dads as he hears that the other children are doing the same sorts of things.
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