To not be coping with jealousy that my dc are not dh first DC

(44 Posts)
balenciaga Sat 10-May-14 11:03:21

I have 2 dc with dh plus another ds from a previous relationship. Dh is older and he has got an almost adult dc from his first marriage

Our second dc is four weeks old and tbh I'm struggling bad with pnd anyway. It's really come to the surface since she's been born, it did after my other one as well

I have always been jealous that dh has had a family before the one he had with me. I have never had a family until I met dh and had our dc. when I met dh I was a very young single Mum to a baby ds, I'd never had a good relationship with his dad and I left him when ds was just a few months.

I just feel mine and dh dc will never ever be as special as dh firstborn. That our family will not be as special as his first as he's done it all before. He doesn't do anything to make Me think that btw he clearly loves and adores all our Dc. It's probably just in my own head, but everyone says nothings as special as your PFB. (Although my "PFB" wasn't special. Sounds awful but tbh the whole thing was a bad experience and I did not bond with him, he's 8 now and Tbh I still struggle now with him sad )

Anyway because he's done it all before, had his firstborn, I feel Therefore me and my dc are not good enough somehow

Tbh sometimes the feelings are so strong I have thought of ending it with dh because I feel I will never cope with it. But I'm crazy about dh and couldn't live without him, so in my darkest moments I have even considered suicide because I feel that would be the only way to end the pain. I can't believe I'm admitting this

Please help me someone sad I'm aware I sound mad

WooWooOwl Sat 10-May-14 11:07:15

You need counselling. Your feelings are completely irrational, but still very real, and you need to find a way of dealing with them somehow. It's not going to go away any time soon if you have PND and a newborn, so you need to find a way to cope with it until the depression lifts. Therapy is probably your best option, along with medication if you aren't on it already.

Maybe you could use the Samaritans as part of your coping mechanism for a while. They won't judge you for your feelings and sometimes it helps just to talk about it.

Preciousbane Sat 10-May-14 11:07:25

I think you do need to speak to your HV or GP regarding what does sound like PND.

When you have received some help I really think you need some counselling to come to terms with the way all your relationships slot together as it is obviously causing you pain.

Your not a bad person for having these feelings.

If at any point you do feel suicidal then please call Samaritans and don't spend time alone.

Trollsworth Sat 10-May-14 11:08:14

You need to go to the doctor and ask to be referred to a counsellor.

Trollsworth Sat 10-May-14 11:09:22

You're not in any bad for feeling this. Pnd is an insidious illness that tints every aspect of your life grey. Please get some help.

Thumbwitch Sat 10-May-14 11:10:07

You don't sound mad but you do clearly have lots of unresolved issues so I'm going to ask the standard questions - have you seen the GP, have you had counselling? Are you on ADs? If you have PND again then you will be suffering more from the feelings, so you NEED to go to the GP and tell them what you're feeling.

So sorry you're going through this and congratulations on the birth of your baby. x

Do you feel that your younger children are less special than your eldest?
I assume not.
So why should your DH's younger children feel less special to him than his eldest?

You need to talk to your GP on Monday. Because you deserve to be able to enjoy your family and asking for help is the first step to getting rid of these horrible feelings.

balenciaga Sat 10-May-14 11:14:58

I feel so sorry for my dcs having me for a mum

Esp ds !! He's done nothing wrong he's the sweetest kindest little bit imaginable and always has been since he was a baby. The only thing he's done wrong is have a dad who I didn't love and that's not his fault!

I have been like this since I met dh tbh you'd think after 7 years it would have gone away!!

Dh knows how I feel a bit but he doesn't get it

I can't live my life like this anymore

balenciaga Sat 10-May-14 11:15:44

Little boy I mean not little bit

itiswhatitiswhatitis Sat 10-May-14 11:16:13

You poor love, I really think you need to see your GP if you are suffering PND it's going to be hard to think rationally. It sound like a lot of this is tied up with your bad experiences with your first child and your struggle to bond with him.

Trollsworth Sat 10-May-14 11:17:30

Balenciaga where in the country are you? Give me a vague sense, I'll try and google some good local support for you.

thecatfromjapan Sat 10-May-14 11:20:09

Then don't live your life like this. You are definitely in a serious enough state to justify seeing a professional through a G.P. referral.
It will be O.K.
It really does sound like quite severe p.n.d. There is help available.
You are not a bad person. You just need some help getting through this.

Donnadoon Sat 10-May-14 11:21:43

flowers you are obviously a brilliant mum otherwise you just wouldn't give a hoot how your son is feeling
I know it's a cliche but you are feeling hormonal
You've just had a baby
Be kind to yourself
You have everything to live for
<< un mums netty hugs >>

balenciaga Sat 10-May-14 11:38:57

Thanks for replies so far

Expected to be torn a new one tbh

I've tried counselling a few times, twice with relate and twice with cbt through nhs. Both useless, I'd be happy to pay for good private counselling, as money's not really a problem, if it worked! I know I have pnd but I don't think my feelings are because of the pnd, as I've felt this jealous on and off for pretty much the whole relationship sad that also makes me think perhaps the relationship isn't as great as It seems as surely in a good relationship I should be happy and not dwelling on the past!!

Thank god for mn sad thanks

thecatfromjapan Sat 10-May-14 11:46:18

Balenciafa, it could come from anywhere. This could come from problems with attachment and abandonment in childhood and youth.
Tavistock is good. Perhaps there is someone in your area who has had v. Good training if not near there.

candycoatedwaterdrops Sat 10-May-14 11:54:12

CBT and counselling are not for everyone. It sounds like you feelings are deep rooted and you might benefit from a more in-depth type of psychotherapy.

I don't have any other advice but we MNers are here if you need us. Maybe get this moved or repost in relationships?

balenciaga Sat 10-May-14 12:32:24

It's horrible but sometimes I wish dh had never had a family before

But that's wishing dsd away and I would never do that

Even if I left him if I met someone else now they'd prob have dcs / been married before and even if not I'd still find something to be jealous about

I don't want to drip feed as well <proceeds to drip feed> I think I've got stuff in my childhood / teens that doesn't help. Bullying, abuse from boyfriends and issues with parents. Sigh. I'm a walking cliche really.

DoJo Sat 10-May-14 12:42:21

I agree with others that these feelings are probably a symptom of other problems rather than a sign that there is a problem with your relationship. You obviously have some unresolved issues from your relationship with your older son's father, so perhaps if you could tackle these you would be able to put your feelings about your husband's first family into perspective.

Viviennemary Sat 10-May-14 12:46:32

It is just one of these things that you can do nothing about. And every child in a family should be special. No matter if they are boy or girl, first born or whatever. But these feelings are quite natural but they're just feelings not the truth.

specialsubject Sat 10-May-14 12:47:11

completely irrational (jealousy is a playground emotion) but not your fault as you are ill.

please get help, and get well soon.

balenciaga Sat 10-May-14 18:58:22

I'm worried the only way to resolve things is for us to split up. As his past will always exist

I don't want to ruin his life by me being sad angry and depressed about something he can't change. And I can't go on like this having my life (which is pretty damn good apart from this) being tainted by these thoughts and feelings

I have showed him this thread now, he's so upset. He says he loves all his kids the same, that he has never been as happy as since he's been with me, that he loves me etc. but he would say that wouldn't he? No one would admit it was more special when their first was born than subsequent dc

I have to do something. I don't want anti depressants as they make me feel numb and / or give me bad side effects (and believe me I've tried many)

lunar1 Sat 10-May-14 19:11:00

Splitting up wont help, your past and PND will still be there. Please go to your GP for a referral for counselling.

BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte Sat 10-May-14 19:11:40

I noticed this thread because my DH had several much older DCs in a previous relationship before we met... and yes, I felt that jealousy after both of our DCs were born. It isn't easy: it isn't.

However, I soon came to see that the children and the family which DH and I created together was very different to the one he had with XW... not worse, not better but simply different. But when the DCs were a month older I wasn't capable of thinking much about anything very clearly.

I'd really echo what others have said about getting some help with your PND. Even if you don't want counselling or anti-depressants, there's a lot of good self-help advice out there (eat well, try and get out of the house each day, make time for baths etc). Is your DH being supportive?

balenciaga Sat 10-May-14 19:55:57

Lunar I know it would

And I love him too much I couldn't let him go sad

I think it's part of the problem tbh that I love him so much, I've had lots of boyfriends but never really loved anyone properly before tbh sad

balenciaga Sat 10-May-14 19:58:31

And breastmilk, in what way is it "different" ? Just wondering

And yes he's very supportive with dcs very hands on and does his fair share
Can't fault him

He's going through a horrid time at work ATM too, he's very stressed, he's been forced into a new role he doesn't want and can't cope with. So I feel awful putting all this ok him too

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