That it's not 'his' money!

(242 Posts)
NameChangeAnon Thu 08-May-14 13:32:55

I've NC as I know a couple of MNetters in RL (though they already know my DH has his moments, especially with money related matters)

Just on the phone talking to DH and mentioned that I've found a reasonably priced masters degree, distance learning, in my interest area. It will be £4k over 2 years for part time. I'd like to start in 2015 as a goal.

I am currently a SAHM with 2DC, one YR and the other has another year before starting school. This was a choice we made, to have a SAHP until school age. We were both career changing so it could have been him, but he loved the first job he got and it's been going great for 3 years.

Every now and then he seems to have moments where 'he' is the earner and it is 'his' money. He said that he was not going to pay for my masters as it's not necessarily going towards me earning more in a job and is therefore hobby money while it's not necessarily going towards a job it might later I keep getting comments about returning to my old career (where I could get a reasonable salary from the first job) rather than being able to continue my own career change plans.

I was also, at this point, dealing with a potty training toddler, holding a wad of toilet paper in my other hand and getting DC2 to put on underwear. Is it my imagination but am I not also working and therefore entitled to a say in the family money? To be fair he wants to use the money I'm talking about to pay off the mortgage early and I agree with this goal, but I do not agree that he gets to dictate without discussion. He tried a sarcastic 'Do I get £2k a year to do my hobby?' and I said yes so he backtracked to his priority being the mortgage and how unreasonable I was to do anything else but focus on our security.

I really just need a bit of a vent. He's a good DH except he gets stupid wankerish twitchy about money and we're renovating the house at the moment and money is hemorrhaging out of our accounts although we are still perfectly on budget. Perhaps I mistimed the discussion as I knew I'd find prat-with-money-DH coming out this summer of spending.

Also I suppose AIBU to want to do a masters with no specific work related goal at this point? It's in the field I would like to work in, but I wouldn't get a career boost for having it IYSWIM.

TheresLotsOfFarmyardAnimals Thu 08-May-14 13:39:03

I'm sorry but I can see his reluctance in spending on an MA that will

1. Not obviously lead to a well paying job afterwards
2. Take you away from going back to a well paid job
3. Cost money

He does sound as though he has your best financial interests at heart but that you're a little frustrated by him holding the purse strings. Inevitably the tighter more frugal partner in a relationship usually assumes that role like me

Nomama Thu 08-May-14 13:41:36

YABU/YANBU. He needs to slow down and have a re-think. You both need to sit down and discuss it face to face, not holding the phone with one hand a poo with the other smile.

You can't do it whilst still doing up the house. That would seem a reasonable decision. You can do it whilst still SAHMing, that too would be reasonable. I'd do it for the fun/interest, but maybe it is BU to do that in your current situation. He is probably feeling pushed and you gave him a nudge too far....

Definitely mistimed. Try again, without the poo!

Babyroobs Thu 08-May-14 13:42:10

If the Masters is part time could you consider getting a part time job also once the dc's are at school, then you could be paying for the Masters and also contributing to the household ?

TeenAndTween Thu 08-May-14 13:44:55

I agree with Shared money.

But you are sort of changing the goal posts aren't you?

SAHM until youngest starts school implies gets job when youngest starts.
You are changing this into spend 2 more years not earning, and in fact costing the family budget money.

On phone whilst nappy changing was not good timing, and I'm not surprised you got a push back reaction. Had you before this floated the idea of not going straight back to work?

You need to sit down with budget and DH and go through whether this is affordable, and how he feels about it (e.g. stress of being only money earner). Sort of pros and cons and work as a team.

NameChangeAnon Thu 08-May-14 13:46:51

I was never going back to the well paid career anyway. 20 years of it and I'm done.

I'm actually the one who does the purse strings and neither of us are particularly frugal. We make the money we have go a long way. He's just been using possessive terms over money recently his money/work/ responsibility. We have paid for his, not-entirely-needed-but-useful degree while having the DCs. I've done a lot of solo-parenting while giving him the time to study and I feel this is a bit of a kick in the teeth.

CurlyBlueberry Thu 08-May-14 13:51:09

It's not just his money. He is only able to go out and earn because you are providing the childcare at home. It's not that hard to understand surely. Does he know how much full-time childcare would cost? He 'owes' you half that amount if he's going to look at it that way (not saying it is the right way to look at things.)

It is not necessarily that you should be going off to do a Masters but it's a joint decision as you'll be using joint money IMO.

NameChangeAnon Thu 08-May-14 13:52:32

Nomama it was a wee, luckily. I'm teaching the 'dabbing afterwards' approach to wee spots on clothing.

I am planning to get a part time job in the this/next year. My plans (might out me a bit) are to try to teach 2 out of 3 of my 'hobbies' as short adult courses through the local college/ independently. Perhaps 2 hours, twice a week initially, to fit in with the funded childcare hours, and then expand days/hours when DC2 goes to school. If this can be set up by September 2014 then I'll start sooner.

dietcokeandwine Thu 08-May-14 14:01:44

I can see the reluctance re the MA, tbh. In all honesty I'd probably feel the same. Definitely worth exploring it further, but you need a proper chat with your DH at a more sensible time!

He is completely unreasonable to refer to the family income as 'his' money. It is your money, his and yours; he does the job that earns it, you provide the childcare that enables him to (a) do the job without having to use any income to fund childcare and (b) not have the stress of trying to juggle everything between two working parents. I have been a SAHM for years and not once has my DH ever referred to finances as 'his' money; he'd always say it was ours.

MsMarvel Thu 08-May-14 14:05:40

If it's not going to boost your earning potential then I can see his reluctance to spend the time and money on it tbh

PrincessBabyCat Thu 08-May-14 14:09:28

Well, it does seem unreasonable to get a degree that's not going to be used at once you graduate. If you're not going to do anything with it, why not just learn and research off the internet? There's plenty of information online that you could easily learn just as much from as you could a class. Could you compromise and get your degree when you're ready to get back into the work force with it?

Also, it's both your money. But you need to both make a decision as a team.

Free online courses

christinarossetti Thu 08-May-14 14:21:34

Now it's on the agenda, it can be properly discussed in the context of other issues ie renovations, money, childcare etc.

Sounds like there's an underlying issue about you feeling undervalued in your current SAHP role, which needs to be addressed first/separately.

Pagwatch Thu 08-May-14 14:30:43

It's not his money, it's joint money.

Debating whether or not doing a masters is worthwhile or not is spectacularly missing the point.

Any large spend should be discussed and agreed but he doesn't get to decide because it's 'his' money. Fuck that.

Discussing such an important issue on the phone wasn't wise but I would be preparing for an 'oi, we are equal partners here!' conversation.

peggyundercrackers Thu 08-May-14 15:33:58

i can see his point, im not sure doing a masters in the right thing to do given its not going towards a job - you seem to be wanting to do 2 yrs further education for the sake of it.

we don't really do shared money so it wouldn't be an issue in our house.

PoundingTheStreets Thu 08-May-14 15:59:08

I think you're probably just two very normal people who have started to fall into the trap so often befalling couples in which the man is the breadwinner and the woman the SAHP. Society reinforces this trap constantly by encouraging men to feel like their earning the money = having sole responsibility and therefore superior decision-making power. Whereas looking after children is 'of course' something any woman parent can do hmm and so fails to carry the same weight of kudos and therefore power.

In other words, your DH may not be a twat, he may just need a little education about gender politics if he wants to (a) remain married wink and (b) raise children capable of having respectful equal relationships.

You are a team. He is facilitating you to be a SAHP just as you are facilitating him to be a WOHP free from the stresses of organising and paying for childcare. Neither one of you can fulfil your role without the other's input, and therefore you carry equal importance and should have equal decision-making power. The debate over whether the mortgage is more important than retraining is just details.

expatinscotland Thu 08-May-14 16:01:29

I can see his point. It's not 'his' money, but it's not on for you to change the goalposts like this, either. The master's can wait.

firesidechat Thu 08-May-14 16:03:38

I don't understand why posters on here are so against doing something just because it won't increase your earning power. It may give you a job at the end of it, neither of you can be sure that it won't.

In any case who cares if it is just a hobby because hobbies are very important and we have loads of them between us. Having an interest outside of work and home is good for you.

This only applies if you can afford it of course. If money is very tight it maybe needs more discussion

PoundingTheStreets Thu 08-May-14 16:04:21

It is probably worth pointing out to him - in defence of your argument to do a Masters - that while you are each dependent on each other to live your current lifestyle, if you split up his earning power and potential will be higher than yours because he hasn't taken x amount of time out of the workplace. Therefore, facilitating your education as a means of maintaining your security is as important to your long-term future and that of your DC (assuming you'd be primary carer in the event of a split, which you almost certainly would be as the SAHP) as paying off the mortgage is to you as a couple right now.

NameChangeAnon Thu 08-May-14 16:23:59

I have been talking about this masters for a few years but was concentrating on small children. DH works away over half of the year (think oil rigs, shipping etc) so he's gone for a few weeks at a time and then back for a few weeks. I was planning for the bulk of the work to be done in the evenings while he's away and to still find a part time role. I'll spend that on yarn if I have to crochet half of the evenings for 2 years wink

We both took distance learning degrees while our DC were babies and I busted a gut to ensure he had time to study as well as his full time job, and did the bulk of the childcare as well as my own study, at a slower rate. I'm just finishing mine off now. He had had enough of study by the time he finished, I haven't.

We'd previously discussed that in addition to SAHP for preschoolers we also want primary school aged children to have a parent available to do school runs most days and for the DCs to be able to go to out of school clubs and swimming so by default I will be the part time parent. He can't because of working away with this new career. I don't think he realises how his career choice has limited mine if we continue with our agreed parenting plan. I'm still happy with the plan, mind you, so altering that is not something I want to do. I suppose him saying it's 'his' money and sounding like he can veto something expensive I want to do is detracting from the worth of what I am doing for us all.

I do sometimes feel I'd need to earn at least a comparable hourly rate to him for my earning potential to be considered worthwhile - which will be impossible as he's full time and gets an industry uplift for his skill. This irritates me. His father is a true misogynist/bigot and I could hear echoes of my FIL in what he was saying.

struggling100 Thu 08-May-14 16:30:48

YANBU. You are a partnership, and you are currently doing more than fulltime unpaid work as a Mum. You have every right to a 50% stake in the household finances, and using them to improve your education and move your career in the direction you want to go seems like an absolutely sensible use of the cash. You have every right to be happy and fulfilled in the direction of work you choose, rather than being trapped in a job that you don't find rewarding. (If you are utterly miserable in a job you hate, I think there is a good chance it will impact negatively on your home life, and increasingly bitter at the thought that you could be doing your dream job elsewhere). I see absolutely no reason why you should be expected to sacrifice your dreams and aspirations here. Even if you have to take the house renovations a bit more slowly, it will be worth it (she says, with her hall in a right state still 5 years after moving in!). I can't believe anyone thinks otherwise - it seems positively prehistoric to me.

struggling100 Thu 08-May-14 16:31:26

*and you will become increasingly bitter. Gah! Ipads!

NameChangeAnon Thu 08-May-14 16:42:36

PoundingTheStreets He often says that I'm the one that need life/health insurance as my job can't be replaced. I think he does know that we're both equally important in the lifestyle we have. He's nearly there so I'll stay married and help continue his education wink

I understand and accept the comments that my plan for further education seems indulgent. I can't really do non-accredited courses on it online because I've already studied it at undergraduate level and I'll just be doing the first few weeks of my previous modules over and over by doing so. I still have my books if I want to do that (and I do).

We can afford it because of DH's salary uplift and because him being away reduces the bills we have (especially food and water - the man can shower for ages).

SarcyMare Thu 08-May-14 16:44:15

"His father is a true misogynist/bigot and I could hear echoes of my FIL in what he was saying."

this is the most telling line i read so far, is what you are actually upset/worried about?

is the masters actually related to the change of career you want? (sorry if you have already answered this)

if not it is a hobby.

LIZS Thu 08-May-14 16:47:45

I am planning to get a part time job in the this/next year. My plans (might out me a bit) are to try to teach 2 out of 3 of my 'hobbies' as short adult courses through the local college/ independently Unless these plans are already in the pipeline I'd caution you that Adult Ed classes for September, and even into next year, will already be planned and prospectuses with the printers, so you may be too late. Also 4 hours will not be hugely lucrative.

BeCool Thu 08-May-14 16:58:31

isn't the MA a bit of a red herring? It seems to me the main issue here is rather than supporting you as have a career change (when you return to work), he is expecting you to go back to your previous well paid career so the mortgage can be paid off early.

Which is all about the money and nothing to do with what you agreed. He has had the benefit of a career change and from having you as a SAHM, while your career has been put on hold. And now he wants to reneg on the career change you want also.

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