To fake it to make it?

(19 Posts)
Lauren83 Sun 04-May-14 19:17:33

Its a really tricky situ isn't it, the ex was taking great delight messaging DP saying his daughter didn't know him and she was calling a guy she had had a few dates with dad, but said if she met me it would confuse her as he has loads of women on the go (he doesnt) obv just saying the dad thing to hurt him, she stopped access for 6 months when we got engaged he started legal proceedings but she backed down as long as he agreed to her terms

We are having ivf again soon and if it works my concern was that I never wanted step DD to feel a guest in our home, or to feel left out in anyway, guess I have tried doing too much so as to try integrate myself where it wasn't really welcome

Hard for everyone involved

Gurnie Sun 04-May-14 19:00:55

Years ago Anony I did that. A slightly different situation but still the ex with a new gf. It actually worked much better than being virtiolic and bitter. New gf WAS the ow but I didn't actually realise they had been seeing each other during our relationship till later (I consider myself pretty thick for not noticing now!). Anyway, by the time I found out I really didn't care, was much happier out of the relationship and so was as accomodating as I could be. It paid dividends. Ex was much more open, honest and reasonable and I didn't have to look back and think "God, I ca n't believe I behaved like that"!

That's not to say it's wrong to be angry, it's a perfectly human response to a bloody awful situation but I think your approach is positive for everyone concerned and, I know this sounds weird but it made me feel more powerful than being bitchy and argumentative....moral highground sort of feeling I guess!

Lauren83 Sun 04-May-14 18:56:53

I will suggest we change it to joint, its just been important to me to show him I cared, misjudged like I admitted, probs gone to far but all this has been over the course of 2 years, she told him she couldn't stay in our house incase I abused her in the night as her 24 year old daughter knew a Stepmum who beat the child when the DP wasn't there

Thanks again its helped getting views from the other side

Lauren83 Sun 04-May-14 18:51:59

Yeah I only see what he tells me, let me rephrase it with a disclaimer....

so I know she would be eating differently to what her mum sends her with or what my DP himself would muster up with no ingredients in the house

Its in no way my business what a mother feels a child, I'm infertile who am I to judge?? But if it helps DP spend the day with her and not be cooking (he wouldn't feed her what she is sent with) then I was happy to help, if she was here with us 24/7 there's no doubt she would eat like that some times, in the same way we have an oven pizza now and again, so I'm sorry if it came across I was criticising mums when I'm not qualified to, and if she knew she would be furious I'm sure, I often think maybe she eats organic/7 a day, home cooked everything and that she sends that with her to DP to prove a point

Like I said, if it works for you then go for it. I would be fuming mad if it was my OW but that's my situation (and it's only been 4 months for me, you have been with your DP for 2 years).

I think anything you do should be with DP. Like you said that YOU had been saving for her where it should really be WE have been saving for her (you and DP).

Lauren83 Sun 04-May-14 18:45:09

I appreciate your input everything, didn't make her one to wear just a keepsake to put away for when she older, the worry for everyone was what happens when suddenly she is 5 and has to meet dads girlfriend who she knows nothing about, it was just to show her I was in her life from the start, I came from a broken home where the step parent situ wasn't handled correctly and it was messy

Maybe misjudged on my part but anything I do is with my DPs support, we did get a text yesterday volunteering her services for bridesmaids duties so maybe things are turning a corner

Will def back off though and scrap the Direct debit and food idea cheers girls, if anything its been nice for DP to know I care about his daughter as when I can't see her it feels like he has two lives he says and at least this way I could get involved

Guess your thinking I'm trying to paint myself as this 'super step mum' not the case at all, just hated the fact of anyone thinking I didn't care about her, any pointers on how to be a long distance step mum are greatly appreciated, its hugely important to my DP that I do this so all my ideas so far are pants, oddly though have had advice from a different side, infertility forums and those playing the OW/Stepmum part also did similar things and thought the ideas were great, obv the 2 sides are complete worlds away hey

Thanks again

I think it was more the way you said so you knew she was eating better. You are seeing what is probably a small snapshot of her diet. There won't be many mothers who haven't given their children smiley potato faces (or equivalent) when they've nothing else in or as a treat. Considering you've openly admitted not knowing her, you probably don't know what she regularly eats. Obviously, I don't know your situation but I think it was the word "better" in your post that made me a little hmm

Lauren83 Sun 04-May-14 18:32:58

I did think that when I wrote that it would rile someone, thanks for the tip. But if a kid gets sent with smiley potato faces and plastic cheese slices for her lunch with a fruit shoot and I want to help my DP out by sending extra food with him I don't see how anyone can get mega riled by that? Saves him going do a food shop to cook for one day for her? I just make extra when I know he is going so it feeds her.
I know mums might think I have no right to control what their child eats (but if its on his watch its his choice I guess and its a decision that works well for him so I'm happy to)

That's how she would get fed when she is allowed here finally

I don't think Lauren's approach is appropriate at all, no offence intended. If it works for you then fine but if this was the OW in my situation I would not be happy if she had started making my children bracelets and making "homemade lunches".
Having said that, the OW in my case is very much the other woman. My husband and I were very much together until she came on the scene. This is why I was so reluctant to her meeting them, in my eyes she was the woman who took their daddy off them (yes, I'm fully aware that he was a grown man with his own choices etc). She didn't have my children's best interests at heart when she quite easily jumped into their mothers bed with their dad.

My children are due home any minute after the weekend at their nannas house with daddy. I shall ask them how it was but any talk of the other woman and I will just have to nod and smile whilst my heart is breaking inside.

Coldlightofday Sun 04-May-14 17:59:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lauren83 Sun 04-May-14 16:46:47

Thank you on behalf of new partners for being decent about it, I know how much it must hurt and I couldn't imagine how tough it is. I could be such a good step mum if she let me, I would always respect the ex due to them having a daughter, she is 47 to my 30, DP is 36, I think that's not helped matters to her I'm a 'bit of a kid' I have tried to do lots of things for DD so she knows I was in her life from the start even though there will be no photos/memories, I set her up a direct debit every month from the start and I will keep going it til she is 16/18 so she can see from that I thought of her form the start, I have had handmade presents made for her bedroom at his mums, started a Thomas Sabo charm bracelet as a memento on her 1st so every event I can add to it with the different stages in her life. I can't have children myself so she would be a blessing to have in my life, my folks would love to get to know her too, her mum also feeds her baby food/dairy lea lunchables for lunch so I send a home cooked packed lunch for her for when he has her so I know she is eating better

Anonynony Sun 04-May-14 16:35:38

What a lovely message hex Thanks so much.

See Lauren when he first met her that's exactly how I acted blush saying I'd never ever allow them to meet etc but I don't want to be that vengeful horrible person anymore and realistically, surely the more people DD has to love her the better. At the moment I only half believe that though but I know it's true, if that makes sense? Hence the faking it!

Lauren83 Sun 04-May-14 16:26:19

Hi girls

I would consider myself the OW in my situation, DPs DD was 4 months old when we got together (they had spilt when she was PG) she is 2.5 now and I'm only just allowed to see her now finally but only as the ex finally has a new man, his DD is in a different city so he travels there to see her, I'm allowed to visit too since this month but DD not allowed to our house, access is in his mums overnight and day there so its been tough sticking to her rules

HexBramble Sun 04-May-14 16:19:26

OP you are really doing so well, you are the bigger person here.
When all is said and done, you are raising a DD in a happier environment. I was brought up in one of bitterness and it affects you.

I don't know you from Adam, but I'm proud of you. Well done.

Anonynony Sun 04-May-14 16:15:43

Thanks for the replies!

Oh everything it's so so tough isn't it? It way too short in my opinion but I'm so sick of fighting, we've only just gotten to a point where we aren't constantly arguing but I made up my mind to stop being so angry, bitter, sad about it to him and almost immediately he's changed his tune. Saying maybe it's too quick, he's not sure they click etc.
I honestly pity the girl he's with but the thoughts of them playing happy families with my DD makes me feel ill.

I hope you're ok!

Sorry I've just re-read and saw that it was Christmas that he met this new woman (it was NYE in my case). In my opinion it's too short a time but unfortunately not many other people do.

I am in the same situation but my H has introduced the OW to the kids this weekend after 4 months sad (that's 4 months of leaving here and being with her) It's really really crap but faking it is definitely the way to go. I haven't faked it and it's been so hard trying to be good about it in front of DD.
I hope you find this easier than I have.

MammaTJ Sun 04-May-14 15:21:20

You have obviously come a long way in a very short time! Be kind to yourself but I do think faking it is the way to go!

Anonynony Sun 04-May-14 13:23:22

My ex (DDs dad) and I broke up nearly a year ago but still acted like a couple, going on family days out, hanging around, having sex etc until Christmas when he met a new 23 year old girl. Honestly I was absolutely heartbroken and he started not turning up for DD or arriving hungover, always trying to get out of seeing her sad. This was a dad who stayed at home with her for 2 years and was pretty incredible with her up to this point.

Anyway, he's still seeing her but things have improved dramatically. He's much better and more interested in DD, always shows up on time, never hungover etc, enquiries about her during the week etc so I'm pretty happy albeit a little bit jealous and a tiny bit sick feeling that a meeting between DD and his girlfriend is on the horizon but I'm dealing with this by acting super dooper happy for them shock and totally supportive of their relationship and the meeting etc.
In fairness my own life is going pretty well at the moment too so it's not completely fake but I feel the only other option is to make myself sick by dwelling on it and becoming the bitter psycho that I was back in December!

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