To think that if all interaction with schools is down to me, then I get to make decisions

(61 Posts)

Disclaimers:

1. My DC are in independent schools and likely to stay that way. If that offends you, I am sorry but that's the way it is.
2. I am a FT WOHM. Ditto.

That said, I have all the interaction with school. I set up a meeting with school re DS. I just had to explain to DH why I set the meeting up. His reaction was to say that he should take the lead, and now he has stomped off because I didn't agree, given that we don't agree on the desired outcome.

(Disclaimer 3 - wine has been taken. On both sides. I still don't think IABU though)

2 days until meeting. Do I compromise or risk disagreeing in front of HT?

MileEndRoad Sat 03-May-14 00:49:03

Difficult to say without a bit more detail on the substantive issue. But you are coming over a little defensive, which does tend to be offputting even though it might be entirely justified.

AgentZigzag Sat 03-May-14 00:49:31

Don't risk disagreeing in front of the HT, that's not a situation you'd come away feeling good about.

Why does he want to 'take the lead'?

What is it about it that you don't agree on? Something fundamental or just some surface shit?

It's hard to say without knowing what it is, I suppose it's good to compromise, but then why should you just because he's come stamping over your meeting with his DMs?

AgentZigzag Sat 03-May-14 00:51:02

'But you are coming over a little defensive'

She's posting on AIBU, wouldn't you try to flame dodge? grin

joybee Sat 03-May-14 00:53:14

Why would your children being in an independent school or you being a WOHM offend anyone? hmm

HanSolo Sat 03-May-14 00:53:15

The type of school, and your employment status have no bearing; if one parent is left solely to organise all educational matters, then they should be the one at the meeting with school.

That said, I do think you and DH should discuss the matter and desired outcomes before the meeting and you should try to see all sides.

Do not have a disagreement in front of HT, postpone the meeting if necessary (not if it's urgent though, obviously).

YAthereforeNBU. (but perhaps need some compromise when not tiddly)

feathermucker Sat 03-May-14 01:01:45

Surely it's a joint thing? Neither of you should take the lead. Work together wink

You sound so defensive in your OP. No one will care a jot about whether the school is independent or otherwise except you.

Sounds more like a jostling of egos than a real problem tbhhmm

MileEndRoad Sat 03-May-14 01:06:29

Um, yes, I guess so Agent. Not sure it works, though!

AgentZigzag Sat 03-May-14 01:08:34

Surely it should be a grin after saying that joybee? You can't be asking it with a straight face, surely?

OP knew posting in AIBU can be painful, she was trying to protect herself, she can't win.

But then, what does it being an independent school and working full time have to do with a meeting at school? Maybe suggesting an imbalance of power if you weren't working full time?

AgentZigzag Sat 03-May-14 01:09:58

You're right, there is no escape MileEnd.

Panned if you say, panned if you don't grin

It's nice to hear that's people won't care about employment status and school type, but IME they do. Situation FWIW is that super-academic DS has an "extra" year in prep school due to being a year ahead of his chronological age group and we need to decide how the school approaches it.

Disclaimer #x: this is clearly my biased PoV, but based on numerous conversations with teachers and with DS I want him to have a fun year in which he gets to explore all the non-core academic stuff which he loves (particularly art, drama, music, as well as sport). DH wants him to "build his CV" whatever TAF that means in Y8.

We do agree that if he is left to coast too much academically then he would switch off, so I guess we broadly agree, but I guess my issue is with the "let me take the lead" statement, which immediately makes me think "well if you wanted to take the lead, why didn't you set the bloody meeting up,then?"

I mentioned the wine, didn't I?

Forago Sat 03-May-14 01:15:58

joybee have you seen the latest thread on WOHM? very inappropriate face.

fwiw I feel the same way. I set up all school actions and make all the decisions. I pay lip service to consulting DP but, ultimately, I make the decisions about their education. not great from a relationship perspective but that's the way it is.

mind you, my DP isn't complaining wheras yours is. so maybe you will have to pretend to give him some semblance of being involved.

has the DS been in trouble?

Forago Sat 03-May-14 01:18:48

sorry cross post, do you mean he has to do year 8 twice? does he already have a place at senior school? in which case I'd say chillax!

either way sounds like a positive situation so doesn't sound like anyone needs to be particularly hardball or taking the lead, just listen to what the school are suggesting?

Thanks for all the responses, BTW - I fully expected to be talking to myself at this time of night!

Forago Sat 03-May-14 01:21:27

I just got woken up by work and can't get back to sleep so I appreciate other people MN ing

Forago - doesn't have a place, but TBH that won't be an issue, All potential target schools won't let him sit scholarships until he is chronologically Y8, though, so it next year which us the potential chillaxing year,

HanSolo Sat 03-May-14 01:22:19

Do you really have to hold him back a year? Won't all his friends be going on to schools?

It almost destroyed me sad

Surely, art, drama, music, sport are building his CV?

HanSolo Sat 03-May-14 01:23:33

x-posted, sorry!

ThingsThatShine Sat 03-May-14 01:24:10

Err you haven't even told us what it's about so how can we possibly tell. Yabu just for that!

ThingsThatShine Sat 03-May-14 01:24:51

Sorry x post

Forago Sat 03-May-14 01:24:51

so this year is y8 first go, next year is y8 second go and common entrance? did he skip a year further back?

apologies for dimness. my DC ate younger and I don't know anyone in this country who has skipped a year. (I did many moons ago)

none of this relevant to your beef with your husband of course, I'm just curious.

AgentZigzag Sat 03-May-14 01:26:21

The wine has made it into a 'this is going to happen' rant from him, rather than 'what will happen to the bits that'll look good on his CV?' discussion.

It's his opinion on his DSs education so you can't just brush him off, you need to talk about it tomorrow without the wine.

Soz like grin

It's the right thing for him. He is physically and intellectually at the top of Y7, but chronologically and emotionally Y6, if that makes sense. The school have made him play sport with his chronological year group throughout, for which I am retrospectively grateful because it gives him a ready-made friendship group for his second Y8 (and they are a really nice bunch as well. My only concern is that he doesn't know the girls).

I am not sure where DH and I differ TBH but I bitterly resent the "let me take the lead" when I am so much more involved with the school than he is.

IABU, aren't I hmm?

The year he "skipped", FWIW, was nursery - the school decided he fitted better , socially, physically, and academically, into YR, and they were right, and he has continued to fit but now we have to decide the mechanics of doing Y8 twice when you are already at the top of "your" year group (good problem to have, I do realise).

Thanks, ZigZag. You are right, sober discussion is called for. It's just a "I deal with it all therefore I get to say" reaction on my part, which is wrong because DH gets a say too.

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