to ask if you think bad behaviour at school is punishable at home?

[dollsmouse]

Dd is in year 1 and impeccably behaved at school. However, at home she has a tendency to be awkward and not listen. Her best friend who is in the same class is well behaved at home but struggles to listen and concentrate at school, which she gets in trouble for. Their teacher is much 'softer' than their reception teacher and has struggled. Each day she speaks to 6/7 parents about their child's behaviour at home time.

Dds best friends mum has began banning screen time/pudding/days out until her dds behaviour at school improves. While I think parents should support teachers, I think concentration and not listening are things the teacher needs to work out strategies for and that it makes it pretty miserable for the dd who's punished all day at school and then at home too. I wouldn't go into school expecting dds teacher to punish dd for not listening at home, so why do many people think that a 'partnership' is vital when in reality it's only one way?

[Yangsun]

I think by encouraging and supporting good behaviour in school through reinforcement at home you set up a child for a long term successful school career. If a child learns at five or six that school is a place to mess about that attitude will only get worse. I agree with your dd's friend's mum on this. She will hopefully reap the benefits when she is older

[Pumpkinpositive]

I think on balance YABU.

[BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack]

It's a bit of a grey area really. on the whole I would not discipline DS at home for trouble he get's into at school as I believe that is for the school to deal with BUT if he were repeatedly misbehaving and causing lots of trouble at school then yes, I would do stuff like ban x box time and deal with him at home too.

So one off's then let school deal with it (unless it was something really dreadful) but if it's an ongoing thing then parents need to step in at home too.

[cece]

My children would certainly have some sort of punishment if their teacher had to speak to me about their behaviour.

[CoffeeTea103]

Yabu, I think it's great that the mum is supporting the teacher, so she will know that bad behaviour isn't tolerated anywhere.

[puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE]

My DD gets punishment at home for things done at school. I want her to know that you can't just walk away from a problem. If she is naughty in school, she will have privileges withdrawn at school. Surely this is standard?

[DogCalledRudis]

Depends what sort of behaviour. If it is disruptive/dangerous, then yes. If its something that is of no importance, just "against the rules", then no.

[piscivorous]

It should be a partnership.
School should deal with things that occur when the child is there but parents should reinforce how they expect a child to behave at school.
I would have no hesitation in asking a teacher for backup if a child was coming home and behaving badly with things picked up at school

YABU

[fairylightsintheloft]

I think if the long term goal is that the child learns that bad behaviour has consequences then I think reinforcement from home is important. As a teacher of older kids, I have seen a very clear distinction made by some kids about what their behaviour should be at home and at school. Some are perfect at home but don't give a toss about school sanctions, others its the other way round. If the Y1 teacher is a bit "soft" then all the more reason to reinforce the need to be behave. A teacher is there to TEACH not crowd control and whilst it is an inevitable part of the job it is made much easier to actually teach if the kids sitting in front of you know that they need to behave or else. They do, learning happens, everyone's happy.

[PrincessBabyCat]

Obviously the teacher doesn't have control of the classroom, and that's a problem. I know the teacher is frustrated but, kids only get away with what they're allowed to. Sometimes though, kids need a kick in the ass at home to so they have incentive to respect authority that they wouldn't otherwise. It's about teaching respect.

However, not listening and not concentrating aren't really something a kid can always help. Sometimes people have different learning styles. I'm a hands on learner, sometimes visual. So if you just tell me something verbally, I'm not going to pick it up very easily probably because my mind has wandered. I had one teacher that just sat behind her desk and talked monotone the whole class. The only reason I passed was because my parents got on my case about it. So I'd be making sure the teacher was trying different approaches before punishing my child, but I'd also be making sure my child was doing their best despite the circumstances.

[Goldmandra]

I think that if a Y1 child is struggling to listen and concentrate the teacher and the parents should be looking for and managing the cause rather than punishing the child.

Punishing children isn't the best way to manage their behaviour, especially at such an early age.

Young children learn from experiences that engage them. If you make learning a chore which must be tolerated in order to avoid punishments, you will do them no favours.

This teacher needs to change her approach instead of criticising the children for not being able to concentrate.

[mismylinford]

Could there be learning difficulty? As a child in early primary i acted up and couldn't concentrate. Luckily my mum saw other signs in my development and had me tested for dyslexia. Growing up and talking to other dyslexics its a commen sign. Not saying that all naughty children have learning difficulties but as soon as soon as i got help i was fine.

[petalunicorn]

YANBU.

Home should be a refuge and a place you can discuss anything without fear of consequence, children should be able to discuss what went wrong at school and how to avoid problems in future without worrying about what the parent will do.

School is quite capable of giving it's own punishments and they are the experts at managing children. I'd also feel uncomfortable disciplining when I didn't know the full story, and hours after the incident has happened. I would be glad for the school to talk to me so I could talk to my child about what happened but I wouldn't give an additional punishment.

On the partnership side, in my experience you are wrong there. I have a few friends whose children are difficult at home but not at school, school has offered parenting classes and there is a person (not a senco but like a senco I think) at school who will talk through home issues and behaviour with children and do a course of sessions a bit like counselling. They want the children to be happy. I don't know if our school is unusual.

[Bowlersarm]

YABU

I think a one off incident shouldn't necessarily be punished twice over, but for continuing bad behaviour the schools way of dealing with it clearly isnt working so it should be enforced at home too.

[mrsminiverscharlady]

YABU. My children's behaviour is my responsibility at school as well as at home.

[lessonsintightropes]

YABU - if my DC was misbehaving at school on a repeated basis, after having made sure it wasn't related to something like being bullied, I'd want to reinforce the fact that school is for learning, not messing about.

[dietcokeandwine]

I think there's a balance with this, as with everything. It depends on the individual behaviours. For example, my DS was in minor trouble at school yesterday for getting involved in some minor fracas with some other boys at playtime when he should have had the common sense to walk away. He got a warning from a teacher, which is standard disciplinary action at their school, and a pound taken from his pocket money from me, to reinforce that his behaviour was unacceptable and to demonstrate that we were disappointed in him. To which he responded 'yep, that's fair enough mum, I thought you'd do that and I can see why' (he is 9). That, to me, is a reasonable way of 'backing up' his school.

I do think though that when it's something like listening/concentrating, that's a bit more of a grey area. Yes it could be due to lack of respect or interest, but it could also be a red flag for some kind of additional need. It sounds to me like your friend's DD would benefit from some help and support in trying to focus better rather than simply losing her puddings and days out!

That said, though, I do believe that school and home should work in partnership. The example you give at the end of your OP ("I wouldn't expect a teacher to punish DD for not listening at home") - well no, perhaps not, but I do know of successful examples where parents of infant school children have been struggling with home behaviour and a little 'chat' from their much loved teacher to the child about how it's as important to behave nicely for mummy/daddy as it is to behave at school has really helped improve things.

All that said, though, it sounds as if the Y1 teacher is struggling to control the class generally, which is a separate issue.

[dietcokeandwine]

Too many 'that said thoughs'! Sorry

[WooWooOwl]

I wouldn't agree with banning days out for bad behaviour at school, but I absolutely agree that bad behaviour at school should be punished at home. With low level things for low level bad behaviour though, like banning screen time, or no stickers/ice cream/park on the way home.

Children do not become different people between home and school, and it is vital IMO that they see that their teachers and their parents are consistent and will punish the same things.

The 'partnership' comes across as one way for a good reason, the school aren't parents. They can't be expected to do the job of parents, but parents have a duty to ensure they send their children to school prepared to learn and cooperate.

[BoomBoomsCousin]

When there's an ongoing problem with behaviour at school I think it's important that you reflect the need for good behaviour and reinforce the school's authority. But that doesn't mean you have double up punishment. I try to reinforce good behaviour at school by offering praise and rewards at home rather than punishing the bad behaviour.

One of my DDs was having issues behaving at the end of the day - basically just getting a bit too giddy with her best friend, but it was disruptive - so rather than punishing her when she wasn't well behaved I reminder her to behave in the morning, asked her and her teacher if she had behaved at home time and praised and rewarded her when she had. It seemed really effective and took about a week to break the habit.

But if it is a wide spread problem then I'm not sure it's going to be effective to simply try and reinforce at home. It sounds as though the teacher is struggling and you'd be best off having a concerned word with the head of year to see if something can be done to support her (then reinforce at home in tandem with effective discipline in school).

[SanityClause]

I definitely think you should support whatever punishment has been decided by the teacher, but I wouldn't add to it.

So, I certainly wouldn't say how unfair it was. I probably wouldn't say "well that's what you get for (insert crime)" though, as I would expect the child would have worked that out for themselves.

And of course I would ensure that my child knew the kind of behaviour expected of them, in all situations.

[catgirl1976]

YABU

Of course it should be a partnership.

[OneInEight]

No, we with full agreement of the school do not. Having said that ds2 behaves badly as a result of anxiety so escalating the punishments only served to increase the anxiety and the bad behaviour. We found that punishments at home did not help in any way the school situation and made the home situation worse so it really did not make any sense to continue to do so. Having said that we have always supported the school in whatever sanctions they decide to use.

Regardless I don't see why anyone should be punished twice for the same offence and I am sure an immediate sanction in school is going to be far more effective especially for little ones than one implemented long after the event at home.