To have really upset DH and now he's scared to touch me.

(269 Posts)
brotherhoodofspam Wed 30-Apr-14 20:17:58

Have NC for this as DH knows my username. Am looking for a bit of perspective. DH has tendency to grab a boob/my bum when I'm not expecting and I've always found it pretty annoying but have tended to swat him away but never really said how unappealing and unsexy I find it. Came to a head at weekend. I was coming down with throat infection and was telling him I was feeling shivery and unwell and he said - "is that why your nipples are big?" and proceeded to grab them. angry angry I told him I didn't appreciate being groped particularly when feeling unwell. He got really upset and there followed long "discussion"about this and other aspects of our sex life, or lack of it as he sees it (once or twice a week usually - sometimes more sometimes less). Anyway he's been really quiet since then and this morning I found out he's still really upset. Says I made him feel like a sex offender and doesn't know how to touch me / initiate sex now. I think I've really knocked his confidence. I apologised for using the very loaded word "grope" and explained that it was just the last straw when I was trying to tell him I was unwell, but I don't really know how to make things right with him. He's a great DH and we love each other++ and maybe I was stupid to try after 18 years of marriage to be honest about something that really is a bit of a turn off. So WIBU to tell him what I thought? Do other people object to this kind of thing? Have I been spending to much time on MN and getting daft ideas that speaking your mind is a good idea? And any suggestions for how I make this right with him?

SixImpossible Sat 03-May-14 07:38:27

You're not stirring, ParentalUnit, I entirely agree with you about finding a way to move forward out of this unhappy situation, but it would seem that anyone on this thread who thinks that there is something positive that the OP could do is a victim-blaming misogyny-apologist.

brotherhoodofspam Sat 03-May-14 09:15:19

You're right Parentalunit, I don't want this relationship to disintegrate. This is one aspect of his personality/behaviour that I really don't like (and I think he's finally got that messagegrin ) but like all of us he is multifaceted and the unfortunate thing about starting a thread like this is that you're having a rant about the one really annoying thing, and that's all anyone has to go on when judging him.

Sneezecakesmum Sat 03-May-14 09:41:18

So right OP. A case of the baby and the bath water !

AskBasil Sat 03-May-14 10:55:57

"someone has to bridge this gap otherwise in my opinion the relationship could disintegrate"

Well if must be incredibly fragile if it could disintegrate as a result of the OP telling her DH straight out that she doesn't like something. I suggest that a relationship that fragile has more problems than this thread is addressing, but the OP hasn't suggested that she thinks her relationship is that fragile.

Women, never forget, it is your job to ensure that relationships don't disintegrate, relationship maintenance is women's work, not men's. Your DH's have no obligation whatsoever to work on their relationship and ensure it doesn't become fragile and disintegrate, only women have the obligation to do that.

So get out there and do the emotional work of relationship maintenance. Once you've done the housework, obviously. hmm

matildasquared Sat 03-May-14 17:35:25

I think that's the hardest thing about threads like this. "My husband is great and I definitely don't want to LTB... so how can I address [appallingly creepy behaviour], you know, without making him mad?"

parentalunit Sun 04-May-14 06:19:31

Askbasil, yes I was absolutely saying that she should be a doormat...what?! Marriage takes work from both people, but if there's an impasse, someone has to reach out to get things going again. Sometimes one, sometimes the other. That's all. Really.

OP so glad that he has received the message, good luck with getting past this!

CinnabarRed Sun 04-May-14 06:31:46

There's a difference between building bridges and appeasement.

JonesRipley Sun 04-May-14 07:31:53

This thread is full,of excellent posts.

It's also a depressing reminder about men women love who are not capable of behaving like a thinking feeling adults

This is everday sexism - not Just strangers shouting things in the street.

JonesRipley Sun 04-May-14 07:32:49

AskBasil

Great posts throughout

Louise1956 Sun 04-May-14 07:57:09

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

JonesRipley Sun 04-May-14 07:58:42

Ah Louise. Always there with an intelligent comment

DIYapprentice Sun 04-May-14 07:58:59

If you find having your bum and breasts grabbed annoying, you probably aren't very attracted to him.

Seriously?! Have you read ANY of this thread? how utterly depressing..

DoctorTwo Sun 04-May-14 08:24:46

If you find having your bum and breasts grabbed annoying, you probably aren't very attracted to him

What the fuck? I think you meant if you find having your bum and breasts grabbed annoying you're probably heartily sick of being treated as an object rather than a human being

It's nothing to do with attraction, it's about him treating his wife as a possession.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Sun 04-May-14 09:02:02

Doctor, Louise is just getting more and more extreme . Ignore her, she might go back to 1956.

JapaneseMargaret Sun 04-May-14 09:05:17

'Louise' is a woman...?!

Yeah, right...

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Sun 04-May-14 09:10:15

Yes, I think she is. It's possible, but unlikely, that a man knows as much about Mallory Towers as she does!

JapaneseMargaret Sun 04-May-14 09:15:29

Ha!

I stand corrected, then.

<boggles>

JohnFarleysRuskin Sun 04-May-14 10:12:13

"if you're only having sex once or twice a week, you probably have rather low desire for him"

I thought that was particularily funny.

CrystalSkulls Sun 04-May-14 10:23:02

i'm very attracted to my dh.

that doesnt mean i want my breasts groped or my nipples tweaked every time i lean across the table, got my hands in the kitchen sink, when i walk past him, when i sit next to him or when he kisses me.

nor do i wish to be 'humped' or have his hands shoved down my trousers when doing any of the above either.

its about respecting me, my personal space and leaving me the fuck alone to do my jobs/chores/live my life without my entire existence being solely for his sexual gratification.

There is such a thing as 'too much' of a good thing, and while it might be fun to start with, after 10+yrs of it, it begins to wear VERY thin and just becomes fucking annoying.

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