to feel my ds isn't safe at school

(41 Posts)

My ds is in yr1. In the last term, he's had baked beans and squash put in his hair, he's been pinched very hard on his privates, and on Monday he was hit very hard in the face with a skittle and had to go to the office in floods of tears. It was the same boy that did it each time.

I know that the boy in question has behavioural problems although he hasn't been diagnosed with anything. He constantly misbehaves and causes untold disruption to the class, to the extent that on one occasion the rest of the children had to be removed from the room as it was felt he was behaving in such an unsafe manner. I don't think the teachers have any control over him whatsoever. If they try to tell him off, he hides under the desk and laughs at them.

I don't want this to sound as though it's an attack on the other child as it must be just awful for the family and I really don't want to cause them any problems. I just don't know what to do next. I did approach the teacher after the pinching episode so she knows I'm not happy.

What do I do next? I've told ds to walk away if anything happens. I've refrained from telling him not to play with the child as I think that just sounds awful. I'm not even sure that ds is being particularly targeted by the other boy. I just think he's completely out of control. Does anyone have any advice?

Thanks

Bardette Thu 01-May-14 10:44:44

I think that it's fine to tell your son that he doesn't have to play with this boy or indeed anyone who is hurting him. It doesn't have to be permanent, when my ds was in a similar situation I told him to tell the other child that he didn't want to play because he was hurting him and to go and find someone else to play with, but that if the other child wanted to be kind and play nicely then that was fine.
It's good for your son to practice being assertive and it's good for the other child to hear that he is hurting others and that this has a consequence.

DogCalledRudis Thu 01-May-14 11:00:12

Whoa... Anybody really thinks that a child should play with a bully and allow himself getting hurt? Really?

DenzelWashington Thu 01-May-14 11:45:54

You don't have to tell your DS not to play with the boy at all, but it is important to let your son know he can (and should) remove himself from any situation he doesn't like. This is what we have told our DS, who is in Reception, and has a best frenemy who has been lashing out at him and being very manipulative about DS playing with other children. DS knows now to just move away and tell the teacher or TA, and play with other kids for a while. DS is much happier and actually, now that frenemy is seeing his behaviour has immediate consequences he has been much better with DS.

nennypops Thu 01-May-14 13:54:30

It really isn't true that it costs a fortune for a child to be statemented, and anyway if either the school or the council refuses to refer a child for statementing for that reason it is acting unlawfully.

If the teacher is "monitoring the situation", how does she explain the fact that your ds keeps getting injured?

kentishgirl Thu 01-May-14 15:08:30

I would tell a child not to play with a bully. I know reasons for bullying are complicated at this young age, and you can't really blame the offending child, but neither should your own child be suffering. I can't think of any situation other than school where people are expected to just put up with being physically assaulted and still get on with their attackers! Yes, there's a bit of shoving and physical stuff with children and it's a part of growing up for everyone involved, but out and out nastiness should not something you ask your child to tolerate.

Some children really do need help and it could be that pressure/complaints from other parents are what trigger it, so don't feel guilty.

for example, I know that the specialist big mental health hospital in Kent has a residential unit for 6 - 11 year olds with mental health problems. I can't imagine how a 6 year old has a mental health problem that serious, but there are there. Mental health issues don't just suddenly appear in adulthood.

PolterGoose Thu 01-May-14 17:39:21

farewell I'm another mum of a child who behaved in a similar manner to the boy who you're describing. It's lovely to hear you speak about him without the vitriol many of us face. My ds behaved like that because his needs weren't met. School failed to meet his needs because they wouldn't believe that he needed to be treated differently, thankfully he got a formal diagnosis in Y2 and school then began to make the adjustments they had a legal obligation to make and he has made huge progress ever since. Please write to school and explain your concerns, neither your ds nor the other boy's needs are being met. It hugely helped me and ds when parents wrote in and basically said 'why aren't you supporting Polt's ds, he needs extra supervision'. This helped a lot more than the petition to have my ds excluded.

lessonsintightropes Thu 01-May-14 19:19:30

farewell I've been lurking on your thread, great news they are moving on but will you speak to the Head anyway? At least then the complaint may go with him to the next school and speed up any statementing process.

Nanny0gg Thu 01-May-14 19:50:39

If it were my DC I think I'd want a little more than the situation to be 'monitored'.

I think you need a little bit more information as to what exactly they are doing to safeguard your son.

I think you're being fobbed off OP.

GobbolinoCat Thu 01-May-14 19:56:00

I would stop my child attending the class if the school could not guarantee her safety.

I know its dramatic but wheels move very very slowly on these things and I wouldn't want my child to be severely hurt, scared for life and so on in the mean time whilst the school and council were paper pushing....and going through the correct procedures

GobbolinoCat Thu 01-May-14 19:59:03

she said she is aware of what's going on and is monitoring the situation. Hopefully the rest of this term will be uneventful

A frantically busy teacher monitoring the situation?

there is simply no way my dc would be entering a school where private parts had been pinched. and all the rest...

GobbolinoCat Thu 01-May-14 19:59:42

Where has this boy got the idea of pinching private parts from? sounds very odd....i would be flagging this up for all sorts of reasons..

UncleT Thu 01-May-14 22:16:27

Gobbolino boys (even very small ones) do kick and hit each other in the privates quite a lot (OK, not daily or every five minutes, but it really isn't uncommon). They also like pinching each other fairly frequently. In isolation there is probably no cause for alarm there, though if there's other stuff that might suggest sexualised behaviour then of cause that would need raising. It sounds to me like he's violent rather anything else, though what the cause of that might be is another matter.

I just popped back to see if there were any more posts and have read them with interest. I do feel fobbed off and I think the teacher is being unfair. She did say that DS and the boy had a 'tussle' over the skittle hence him being whacked in the face, but DS's account is completely different and I wonder whether the teacher was in fact aware of what happened at all? I don't think DS is lying about it. She looked very blankly at me when I asked if she knew what had happened. She did say that she and the other boy's mother have daily conversations about his behaviour. Surely if it's that bad they should be doing something about it?

As for being pinched on his privates, I spoke to her about how shocked I was at the time and said that NO-ONE should be touching him there even if it's in play. She said that she would re-inforce that in the class and I told DS to tell me if it ever happened again. I was not happy at all. It does seem as there's a bit of a culture of it going around at the moment and I've told DS to have nothing to do with it, and to play with someone else if it ever happens again.

Purplepoodle Fri 02-May-14 15:16:11

What do you want the school to do? They actually have very little power in the classroom. They usually haven't got the staff for him to be taught separately. I'm sure the boy is disciplined but if it's something like adhd then they have little affect. There are limited psychology hours for the school and often there are children waiting years before they can be seen. So the teacher just has to struggle and Coe the best they can. It's a crap system but there isn't the resources or money.

More importantly how does your son feel.

KnittedJimmyChoos Fri 02-May-14 15:28:39

What do you want the school to do?

Safe Guard the child who is in their care, locus parentis.

It's a crap system but there isn't the resources or money Really? I would beg to differ free schools meals are being rolled out,and loads of schools are being built and adapted, so there is money its a case of where it goes.

fromparistoberlin73 Fri 02-May-14 15:31:35

fight it fight it OP

Look there will be experts here, but dont feel like you are being difficult if you basically pursue some type of "no contact/exclusion zone" between your child and this one

its NOT acceptable xxx

your child needs to be safe
and the other child needs to learn this is not acceptable behaviour

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