To loathe inverted-martyrism

(257 Posts)
IsChippyMintonExDirectory Wed 30-Apr-14 15:58:28

Just a lighthearted-ish rant

I'm sick of hearing /reading people putting others down because they don't want to play superwoman or be a martyr

For example when I gave birth to DD I rested up for weeks because of a difficult birth and all I heard and read on another baby site that rhymes with baby tenter was things like "really, you rested?! After I had DS I leapt up, packed my hospital things away, sprinted home whilst simultaneously Breastfeeding and threw a party for 70 guests that evening." Have read it on a thread today about someone wanting rest after an operation.

Fuck the fuck off!! It's ok to want to relax sometimes and not be a friggin martyr about it all!

PrincessBabyCat Wed 30-Apr-14 16:04:23

Yeah. Forget that. I broke out the formula and passed DD to DH for a few days while I slept and recuperated, and that was after a VB. After that I was well rested and able to care for my daughter and give him a break. Don't regret a second of it. You can't take care of a baby before you take care of yourself. When I'm stressed DD picks up on it and is extra fussy, so it does us both a favor to just relax and take time for myself once in a while. smile

IsChippyMintonExDirectory Wed 30-Apr-14 16:07:00

Exunckly!

My DM told me "millions of women do this every day and just get on with it"

Whoopee for them, this bitch is resting!!

caruthers Wed 30-Apr-14 16:07:27

Men chop down trees WHILST having the operation on their testicles on this site.

This "You coulda/shoulda/woulda done this" attitude proliferates society wide.

I hate when it spreads to all areas. "On my birthday I juggled plates while my family spat at me". All OK because she, "knows they love me, I don't need a special day". That's great but I like cards and cake.

AllDirections Wed 30-Apr-14 16:17:21

Whoopee for them, this bitch is resting!!

I like your style OP grin

Oldskoolschooluniform Wed 30-Apr-14 16:17:31

My dsis is the biggest martyr going.I love her dearly but she agrees to lots of demands from her adult DC mainly looking after her GC. She has health problems and should not be doing childcare at all and her DH now has cancer but she won't be able to go to radiotherapy with him even though she wants to because she will be looking after GC.

squishysquirmy Wed 30-Apr-14 16:21:50

"this bitch is resting"
- love it!

ZingWatermelon Wed 30-Apr-14 16:22:19

MIL and DM are both great at it.
they piss me off

I'm pg with #7 and we are moving in 3 weeks.
2 bedrooms need immediate work inc quick repaint so we asked MIL to have 6 kids over for 2 days & night in between.
don't get me wrong she & FIL are lovely and helpful and they will have the kids, but as I was explaining how we won't be able put kids beds up or clothes unpacked until the bedrooms are done she said "well, when we moved (3 kids) we were completely unpacked in 24 hours!"

thanks. so helpfulconfused
did I not just explain what our situation is? angry

LiDLrichardsPistachioSack Wed 30-Apr-14 16:22:43

YADNBU OP. Oh my god I hate this. I knew a woman clearly convinced she was a superior human who was a potter. Her and her partner built an amalgam kiln in their backyard. She said once that "bricks get laid the day before I give birth, the day I give birth, and the day after I give birth. I'm just no good at this "rest" thing" hmm

IsChippyMintonExDirectory Wed 30-Apr-14 16:24:05

Men chop down trees WHILST having the operation on their testicles on this site.

confused I missed that thread

MrsTerryPratchett I'm like that too. Yes it's the thought that counts, as long as the thought is a very nice gift grin

ZingWatermelon Wed 30-Apr-14 16:24:38

Chippy

have you been told you're not a special snowflake and millions of people have given birth before you?

wait for it, it will happenwink

I've got so fed up of this that now I just say "well that's amazing for you. But as I didn't ask you what you did, it wasnt actually very helpful was it?"

I had the audacity to want to rest after I had surgery and I asked my DM to look after the 2 DCs because DH was away.
She said, well. I suppose so. But you know, when I had my appendix out when you 3 were little I just came home, and got on with it. I didn't have anyone to foist my children on"

We asked MIL to watch dd when she was 3 months old because we were moving. She said, I don't see what the problem is to be honest. Me and FIL moved with 4 kids under 5. We just got on with it. How hard can it be?

Tex111 Wed 30-Apr-14 16:28:12

Oh goodness. I make sure I have a day a week when I'm home alone to lay on the couch, eat cookies, watch crap TV and then nap.

I'm a much nicer mum & wife since I started doing this.

spatchcock Wed 30-Apr-14 16:32:24

I got the PA "well in my day you just got on with it" after refusing to go to a family holiday an eight-hour drive away, two weeks after birth, with unruly todder too.

Well in a lot of ways you DO just have to get on with it, but my getting on with it right after a birth involves stuff in my home, in bed.

allhailqueenmab Wed 30-Apr-14 16:35:11

OP you are dead right. But what I find INFURIATING is that the dickhead who does this to me is ME. I get inside my own head saying things like "well everyone works" and "only two children and they both usually sleep ok" and "it's not like you work down a mine fgs" and "some people do all this and actually do some proper exercise sometimes you fat caaaah". It is so fucking wearing. I think I might employ you to pop and talk sense.

My grandma had a nap every day after lunch. Because she was tired from being all fabulous and glamorous in the evenings, etc. Role Model.

OfficerVanHalen Wed 30-Apr-14 16:36:43

Oh god, TRUE DAT.

Mn is DREADFUL for this.

"You're pregnant not ill" and "Just use a sling" are my favourites. Lord, woe betide unsuspecting new mums/pg women on here who want a seat on a train or to be able to park in a mum and baby space, or take a buggy on a bus/into a cafe/out ANYWHERE in public. No it's not a life or death matter, but i can't believe how shitty some people on here can be sometimes. I know when i wasn't sleeping more than an hour or two at a time my sense of perspective was slightly fucked too. It's called empathy people!

OfficerVanHalen Wed 30-Apr-14 16:38:12

Queenmab, your grandma is my spirit animal grin

Suebedo Wed 30-Apr-14 16:39:09

A friend who made what she called her 'c section nest' on the sofa because she still couldn't get upstairs a week after birth was told by her midwife 'well I don't see what the problem is, I was up and about the day after my cesarean'.

Atbeckandcall Wed 30-Apr-14 16:41:01

I could t agree more. A relative of mine doesn't shut up about how she does it ALL.

Oh piss off. And at the risk of what exactly? They never expand on the detrimental consequences of Theo Wonder Woman decision though do they.

Thurlow Wed 30-Apr-14 16:46:59

"You're pregnant, not ill - you don't need a seat on the train, you chose to get pregnant"

God, this one drives me barking.

You know what? If you suffer from HG, SPD or one of plenty of other conditions, you bloody are ill.

Though I suspect I might be guilty of inverted-martyrism in relation to my scandalously low expectations of cleanliness in my house and high expectations of what everyone else in my house will contribute, and as such sometimes have little sympathy for other women who complain that they work and have kids and don't know how to get everything done blush answer: stop doing it then

OfficerVanHalen Wed 30-Apr-14 16:55:04

I remember a thread on here a few years ago, op was heavily pg and her cat was stuck up a tree. She was waitin for it to come down itself, but meanwhile some neighbours had come round complaining or something.

Well.

She might have expected a bit of sympathy on mn. NOPE. She got called all the cunts of the day for not shinning up a ladder for the bugger. It was a real mn pile on. Vile.

IsChippyMintonExDirectory Wed 30-Apr-14 16:58:36

Yes Thurlow! I remember my mum saying "you're pregnant not ill" when I was extremely lethargic in the first few months. No it's not an illness but it can make you ill, very ill, and if you were up being sick all night for any other reason people would be sympathetic but for some reason not with regard to pregnancy

Thurlow Wed 30-Apr-14 17:02:03

I remember losing it with someone who was being spectacularly unsupportive and whiny when I had HG. "Have you ever had food poisoning? You know, when you're sitting on the toilet and leaning over the bath and haven't eaten anything but a digestive in the past twelve hours? Awful, wasn't it? Well, imagine that, but for FIVE FUCKING MONTHS."

They shut up quite sharpish after that grin

StephenKatz Wed 30-Apr-14 17:08:58

I get you OP.

I had surgery in January. I rested madly for the first week and a bit, and the amount of people asking me if I'm 'bored yet?' or 'feeling guilty, missing out on playing with my young children' (1 and 4 at the time) Honestly, the shock horror expressions when I said no, as a SAHM (even if I hadn't been to be honest), going into hospital for a couple of days and being away from my children was the most fantastic holiday I've had in years. It was well worth having my spine sliced open so I could read in peace, listen to my Ipod without interruption and sleep all I wanted. I love my family with all my heart, but I didn't miss them one little bit. I'm a bad person grin

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