To be upset about this?

(213 Posts)
devoniandarling Sun 27-Apr-14 19:40:09

Dh and I discussed the possibility of having another dc. The first time this came up was in September. In sept he said after Christmas, at Christmas he said after half term (feb), then it was after Easter.

Eventually I explained to him how important it was to me and he said ok. Then the week before I had an appointment to have my coil removed he got himself in a mood.

When he played taxi for my mother she asked him what was up and he told her about our plans. Not to dripfeed, we live with my dm and space is limited but we would cope.

He knew that my mum would be against us having another child and so discussing it with her was bound to cause a row. Basically I now can't start ttc because he has tied my hands and dm will be "dissappointed" if I fall pregnant now.

I was so mad that he went behind my back to my mother. It very nearly broke us up a couple of weeks ago and now it's like the elephant in the room, I can't mention my desire for another child and he thinks the subject is closed. If I do mention it I get the stock answer of ; "in the future". I am 30. Not necessarily knocking on a bit, but my youngest child is almost five, and I don't want to a mahoosive age gap. I want any further children to be a part of the family, not an after thought.

Dh doesn't understand why I am upset. I am upset that he went to my mum, I never go to his mum and complain about him! Even when he strayed (once, and it is in the past and forgiven) I never uttered a word to his mother. I am upset that he doesn't want us to have another child right now and I am upset that I can't be honest about these feelings for fear of him leaving me.

It sounds like he doesn't think it's the right time - living with your mum with limited space. How long are you planning to be there? It wouldn't be fair to your mum either to bring a baby into the house.

BolshierAyraStark Sun 27-Apr-14 19:50:00

By stating that space is limited but you would cope YABU-you're speaking for yourself & rather selfishly ignoring how your DM would feel.
Out of interest, how many children do you have?

ImAlpharius Sun 27-Apr-14 19:50:52

I think planning a child while you are living in some elses house, knowing they wouldn't be happy, is VVU.

devoniandarling Sun 27-Apr-14 19:50:56

We live here permanently. It's a choice that was made precisely so that we could have a bigger family and more security and a better standard of living.

I could accept, it's not the right time, but I don't see it ever being the right time. Nothing is going to change other than. Everyone else is going to get older!

slowcomputer Sun 27-Apr-14 19:51:32

how many children do you have already? is he actually being sensible that maybe your family is big enough?

WooWooOwl Sun 27-Apr-14 19:52:52

Normally I'd say YANBU to be upset that your DH went to your mum, but if you're living in her house then I think it's absolutely right that she should be informed about it of you're planning on bringing a baby into the house.

It's incredibly selfish of you to think it's ok to live in someone else's home, know that they would be upset if you deliberately brought another child in, and then go ahead and do it behind their back anyway.

It's also very selfish to pressure someone into having a child when they blatantly don't want to.

I know the longing for a baby can be overwhelming, but that doesn't mean your wants are more important that your partners, or your mothers when you're living in her home.

devoniandarling Sun 27-Apr-14 19:52:56

We currently have four children. Mother knew when we moved in that more children were on the cards.

clam Sun 27-Apr-14 19:55:10

It sounds to me as if he doesn't actually want another child at all, but is finding excuses to get round it, rather than provoking the mother-of-all 'situations' with you.

Thetimes123 Sun 27-Apr-14 19:55:32

I think you, your partner and your mum need to talk more openly with each other and be honest, even if it hurts. Or get pregnant and worry about the details later. Worst things happen at sea.

Morgause Sun 27-Apr-14 19:55:50

If it isn't what he wants right now then that's it, really.

devoniandarling Sun 27-Apr-14 19:56:15

It is not "her" home, it is "our" home. And she was aware of the plans for more children at the start. Her problem with my plan for more children now is more to do with my health, which has been questionable in the past. However I have spoken at length with the gp who has done tests and deduced that now would be as good a time as any and that my health problems would not necessarily cause complications.

BolshierAyraStark Sun 27-Apr-14 19:56:43

Yep, agree that he doesn't want anymore but is simply avoiding saying it for whatever reason.

clam Sun 27-Apr-14 19:57:08

"Or get pregnant and worry about the details later. Worst things happen at sea."

That is an appalling idea!! Do NOT go behind his back and trick him into a pregnancy he clearly doesn't want.

thebodydoestricks Sun 27-Apr-14 19:57:26

Don't really understand tbf.

You moved their so you could have a bigger family but your mother is angry that you are TTc.

Did you not discuss this when you moved in?

If your oh doesn't want another child you need to talk it through.

You do sound a tad in different places.

clam Sun 27-Apr-14 19:59:00

OK, so if your health deteriorates during and after pregnancy, who carried the load of looking after 5 children, one of which is a newborn?

I'm afraid I think YABU and more than a bit selfish.

devoniandarling Sun 27-Apr-14 20:00:57

When we moved in I was pregnant with dc3, dc4 has also been born since then.

He says he does want another child, just not right now. The trouble is I don't want it to be so far in the future that any new child is so far removed from current Dcs that they are all "grown" up and they don't have that sibling bond.

Foodylicious Sun 27-Apr-14 20:02:34

I think the msin issue here is that you and your dh both need to be on board about having another child. He cant have felt lustened to or happy if he has brought it up with your mum. It was a shitty thing for him to do, but he obviously felt pressured into agreeing to ttc. If you had noticed he wad upset about it why did you not cancel your appt and talk about it?
I feel for you feeling like now is the right time and it being difficult, but you are being unreasonable to think you can get your own way just because you have stamped your feet as it were.
If its not the right time for you both you really shouldn't be pressuring him into it. He also should have been clearer with you and not agreed to start ttc if he was not ready.

clam Sun 27-Apr-14 20:02:36

Even if both your dh and your mum were seemingly on-board with the idea before, that doesn't mean they don't have the right to change their minds.
He might be saying he wants another child to placate you, but his actions are saying the opposite.

devoniandarling Sun 27-Apr-14 20:02:44

My health is currently in a good place. And is unlikely to deteriorate for a good few years so long as I take care of myself and follow medical advice. Dm does not see this and just worries.

BobPatandIgglePiggle Sun 27-Apr-14 20:03:54

Having a baby is a decision to be made by, usually a couple. In this case it's a decision to be made by 3 adults. If you're living with your mum and she's againstI it then that has to be taken into consideration imho.

Your post is a little 'me, me, me' if he doesn't want one then you can't have one realistically.

clam Sun 27-Apr-14 20:04:07

A good few years? And what then? Your children will be around far longer than "a few years."

Sadly, it sounds like he doesn't really want another child. It's shitty and childish of him to involve your mother rather then just talking to you and telling you how he feels. The two of you need to have a very frank talk about your expectations of having more children, so that you both know exactly where the other stands and can plan your futures accordingly.

clam Sun 27-Apr-14 20:06:27

Just re-read - you say your mum knew "more children were on the cards" when you moved in. You were pregnant with number 3 and have now had number 4. Maybe she feels that's the "more children on the cards" covered.

devoniandarling Sun 27-Apr-14 20:07:36

My health isn't a problem as far as the gp is concerned and as long as I take advise and look after myself.

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