AIBU or is DM. I'm at a complete loss as to what to do next. Please help?

[devilanddeepblue]

I've nc'd because I'm pathetic (according to dm at least).

This has been an on going issues since dc was born nearly 4 years ago. Dm sticks her two pennies in all the time. Often I'll be trying to discipline dc and dm will tell me I'm being unfair/too harsh etc etc. just to be crystal clear, I do not shout, I do not smack, I do not use the naughty step (it makes dc worse) so dc has choices and consequences. For example if dc is being rude I'll tell them stop the behaviour or they won't get a favourite part of the evening routine (tv time, stories, puzzle time etc).

I don't think that's bad parenting and it's certainly a lots better than what I was subjected to as a child. I've had endless arguments with dm ably this and today I just feel like it's the last straw. Dm told me off about telling my dc off in front other relatives today. I felt humiliated and degraded. I argued stood my ground and I get told to know my place (I'm not dm's mother and I'm her dd and shouldn't speak to her like that). I didn't swear or shout or be abusive btw. I make a very conscience effort to not do that.

Anyway, I'm now at home in floods of tears and at a complete loss as to what to do next. There is a lot more to this but I'm not sure how necessary it is to the shituation I'm in now. The only thing I can say and it is probably very important is that I know dm is a narcissist and controls us with financial generosity. I'm already aware of this and there is sweet fa I can do about it, so cutting ties and going at it on our own is really not an option as our dosh is tied up with theirs.

Please help me.

Thanks for reading this and sorry it's so long!

[Sirzy]

Whether she agrees with your methods or not it is not up to her how you discipline your children. Unless she genuinly believes it to be harmful she should bite her lip and not interfere. If you want her advice you will ask

[JToTheCToTheCrisTotheT]

I think you parent the way you parent...nobody else! She sounfs like a controlling horsenugget. Could you manage financially if you were to aim her out?

[thebodydoestricks]

She sounds a bitter pill.

How is her money tied to you?

[devilanddeepblue]

Thanks for the quick responses. She is very controlling and 90% of the time perfectly "normal", nice and rational. But fuck me she can be horrendous.

[Yangsun]

What a nightmare, firstly can you start to plan to disentangle your finances so that you will be free at some future point. In the meantime I think you need to come back calmly and succinctly to your mum each time she criticises. Something like "Dh and I will decide how we parent dc, if we want advice we'll let you know" every time. If she talks about you not knowing your place just say "my place is dc's parent and as such I will decide what to do". Don't engage in argument - just keep repeating stock phrases calmly.

[Pheonixisrising]

You need to stop her behaviour now and make it quite clear that you will discipline your child any which way you choose .
Your daughter will pick up the conflict between you and could play on it
Stop doubting yourself

[JToTheCToTheCrisTotheT]

Pheonix is right about the conflict. I had ti grow a pair re ILs due to this.

[TimeForAnotherNameChange]

Well sooner or later you're going to have to 'go it alone' and disentangle your finances. The alternative is putting up with this for the rest of your, or rather her, life. That could be perhaps another 40 years perhaps. Which way are you going to go?!

[devilanddeepblue]

Hello, thanks for all the replies. DH now home and we are going to try to detach ourselves financially now bit past help will always be thrown up, I'll have to just deflect it rationally.
I think the calm and repetitive responses trick, will probably go down like a shit sandwich but hey ho!

[Famzilla]

My mother is a controlling narc who had me over a barrel financially. When I finally said "enough" she even threatened to come to my house and take DD's cot (she had bought it).

You need to unlink your finances, or she'll lord it over you forever.

[Yambabe]

What they are saying, but harsher.

You are an adult, but if you allow DM to treat you like a child by holding the purse-strings then she will attempt to do so in other parts of your life, which sounds like what is happening.

She will feel entitled to tell you what to do because she, in her mind, is in control.

You and DH need to go it alone financially. It might be hard but it's unlikely to be impossible.

[redskyatnight]

Absolutely disassociate yourself in any way you can. My mother is also very controlling, the only way to manage our relationship was for me to take away her control. This means I refuse to tell her anything personal, I won't venture into any discussion with her (will walk away if necessary) and I won't ask her for any help (will be brought up for years and years after).
I would suggest you need to do similar - and prepare yourself for the inevitable woe is me and gnashing of teeth that will follow.

[HauntedNoddyCar]

Agree about detaching. Yes past help will be brought up but if there hadn't been financial help it would be something else. There will always be something for her to dredge up.

Sounds like you know how to deal with your dc and you were right to stick to your guns.

[devilanddeepblue]

The reason it's all tied up is because of businesses that have been set up.
My DH has said that he will intervene now and get this sorted once and for all. As much as we both agree that financially we need to be independent (and we are, she doesn't pay for mortgage, bills etc) but is very generous with "gifts" and lots of them are surprises and nothing is ever asked for, we make a very conscience effort to make sure we don't ask. Also, my grandparents have a lot when dm and df started out etc but to my parents it's the done thing to do if you can. Unlike my grandparents though my dm (never my df) always brings up how much they actually do for us and what they have sacrificed! Business side of things is actually with my df but she sticks her oar in with that too.
I do accept that people have their faults and to a degree I accept hers and by no means am I perfect. But for the first time ever, I actually feel like I want to give her a slap.
I won't. But I want to.

[NeedAdvice2014]

I agree with everyone. Cut the purse strings as soon as you can, and develop a stonewall response: "I'm the parent, I will decide"; repeated and repeated.

As you grew up with a narc controlling DM I would guess that you tend to give in and avoid conflict, especially with her. But being a parent yourself gives a new perspective, and you should completely trust your love and instincts re your DC. Yes responding in this way won't get a good reception but you will feel stronger every time. Good luck

[Dozer]

Disentangle the businesses as soon as you can.

You don't have to feel beholden for unrequested gifts, but could politely decline them.

Can you reduce the time you spend with her?

[drudgetrudy]

Unsolicited gifts are just that and should not be brought up in a "you should be grateful" way. If your DM cannot give with an open heart you may have to ask her not to send gifts.
I think most parents and grandparents give gifts just because they want you and GC to have a bit of fun or less worry. Do not feel guilty about gifts that aren't given in this spirit.
My DM had a slight tendency to guilt me into doing what she wanted in this way and I regret it now, particularly where my DC were involved.
She would also mention how she "struggled to put you through university" whilst in reality I had a full grant and spent very little (those were the days!).

[LouiseAderyn]

Csn you talk to your dad and maybe he can reel her back in a bit.

Not quite the same thing but I used to share a house with a moody and controlling woman who at the root of it thought that in finding our house she somehow had more rights to assert herself within it. It toik me a long time to make the mental break and realise that we were equals, both paying our way and that her pov wasn't more important than mine.

Anyway, my point is that you need to make the break between her thinking that business links equal a right to interfere with all areas of your life. For that you have to always call her on it when she steps out of line and control when and where she has access to you.

[thebodydoestricks]

Sounds good to get away from the finance dependancy.

If I were you I would see less of her.

If she buys you gifts that's her prerogative isn't it.

Stay strong. You have to because you owe it to your child.

[DaffodilsandTruffles]

It is very difficult to treat someone like a child if they refuse to respond like a child.

If you react by getting ( openly) upset when she puts you down or criticises you it puts her in the power position.

Practise smiling and saying 'I appreciate your pov' Mum, but as their Mother I decide how to parent. I'm sure you would agree it's not good for the children if you undermine me. '

The smile helps keep your voice light even if you don't feel it.

Don't engage. Don't argue, just do what you think is right.

You are a grown up you get to decide just as she did,

[devilanddeepblue]

Thank you all so much for your help. And you are all absolutely right. I think it's all magnified today by other things. My dc is currently having medical issues investigated and I was already pissed off because dm was very dismissive of it all and it really bothered me.
DH and I have been toying with the idea of moving further away for a few months anyway. I think it needs to happen and we have thankfully found ourselves in the fortunate position that he has just started a business up with no input from anyone that is going to help us a lot.
I think the financial dr tangling will take a little whole but I'm definitely going to be using your suggestions about how to deal with dm in the meantime.
Thank you all so much. I'll let you know how it goes with her over the next couple of days.
But for now I'm off to a friend's house with a bottle of wine and a take away.
Leg over and out (for now).

BTW, you've all made me feel a million times better. Knew I could count on you lovely lot

[devilanddeepblue]

Hello,

Didn't hear from dm at all last night. Forgot to mention as well that after we left relatives house (she was giving me a lift home even though I said I'd call a taxi) my dc said she wanted to go I her car, couldn't face any more battles.
Anyway in the car no-one spoke but she sat and cried. Cried!!!
I'm feeling quite nervous this morning, even though I need to calmly and evenly stand my ground. I just know it's going be shit. I think today I'm wishing I lived a million miles away.

[annebullin]

She's probably waiting for you to cave and call her.

[devilanddeepblue]

Probably. Not happening though and she will call me. It's just the waiting and not knowing what I'm going to get. She might be remorseful (doubt it) but more than I'll be told to say sorry and she'll put me in my place "I'm your mother, remember that. You aren't mine so don't speak to me like I need telling off blah blah blah." I'm still so angry with her this morning.

[annebullin]

Do you have caller ID? Can you avoid speaking to her at all?