to not want DH to have the snip

(30 Posts)
Hadeda Thu 24-Apr-14 10:53:51

That's it really.

We have two DDs and we don't plan to have more DC. DH is 100% against a third child. I would very much have liked another baby, but now that DD2 is nearly 5 and life has moved on in some ways (career wise for me especially) I know it's not going to happen.
So this is not about planning to have another baby.

But....

I don't know why but I really really don't want him to have it. It's booked for next Friday. He only booked it after I said I thought I was ready. But I'm really not. I can't give a good reason, but it makes me very very upset whenever I think about it.

Bad reasons I've come up with against it are:
- we have contraception that works (I have the coil) so we don't need to do this. Response: this takes away the possibility of an "oops" more thoroughly than the coil.
- the snip can have nasty side effects, what if that happens to you. Response: it's being done by a professional, and the side effects don't affect many people. So yes there is a risk but it's one I have weighed up and am comfortable with.
- what if you do decide you want another child. Response: I don't. Ever.
- you're only 38, what if things change and you do want a child in the future (e.g. if something happens to me). Response: I have two beautiful DDs, and nothing is going to happen to you so don't be silly. And if it did I'd have my hands full dealing with that.
- what if something happens to one of the DDs [I know, I was rather desperate there]. Response: again, don't be silly. And if it did I'd have my hands full dealing with that.

So I know he is being logical and I am not. And I know it's his body and he can make choices about what he does or doesn't do with it.

But....

Ultimately I know IABU. So do I deserve an AIBU flaming...? Or is there a reason for this very big BUT that I can't get away from confused?

ArmyDad Thu 24-Apr-14 11:09:50

I had the sni

ArmyDad Thu 24-Apr-14 11:09:51

I had the snip w

ArmyDad Thu 24-Apr-14 11:10:29

With no side effects. I don't

LokiDokey Thu 24-Apr-14 11:10:29

I think its normal to get the jitters because it's such a final step. I know I did when DH had his and I was only about 30 at the time. About 2 years after I suddenly thought 'shit, what have we done I want another!'
At this point I realise I was more in love with the romantic notion of actually having child number 3 and had we gone ahead I'd probably have regretted my decision (that sounds horrid, I don't mean I'd regret the child, more the huge change in lifestyle).
Anyway, I'm now 40, my kids are 16 and 21 and I have some semblance of a life back other than 'mum' and I love it.

What you are feeling is usual I suspect, you need to come to terms with the finality of it I suppose. You don't deserve a flaming, you deserve a non mumsnetty hug which I'm going to send your way anyway.

flowers

ArmyDad Thu 24-Apr-14 11:11:36

Ah fuck it stupid fat fingers. Anyway it is reversible

rinabean Thu 24-Apr-14 11:16:16

The reason is that you still want another baby, but he doesn't, so YABU. The reasons you've listed are really reasons for you to not get your tubes tied. (I don't mean to sound callous but if you wanted you could still have a baby so it's not really the end in that sense.) You're sad because it was just like "well it wouldn't be sensible to have another... but..." but now it's final. It doesn't mean anything more than that. I'm sure you know it really! I think you'll feel better when it's done because it will be done. Right now you feel like you could tell him to not go ahead and also have a baby and also it wouldn't cause any problems with the rest of your life. Obviously that's not a real possibility but part of you feels like it is. It's the whole "last chance!!" thing but it's not really.

Raxacoricofallapatorius Thu 24-Apr-14 11:18:20

DH is 32 and had the snip in January. I wanted a third, he didn't. His body, his choice. I was sad but am concentrating on enjoying what we have.

10% have complications. This is not rare. DH is in that 10%. Is he fully aware of the risks?

expatinscotland Thu 24-Apr-14 11:26:19

His body, his choice.

DH had one about 4 years ago after our third.

Our eldest died nearly 2 years ago.

Neither he nor I want another child.

He was and still is sure he never wants to father any more children.

expatinscotland Thu 24-Apr-14 11:27:33

Like Raxa, we focus on enjoying what we have.

Now DS is five and starting school in August, the wisdom in his choice becomes more apparent.

OwlCapone Thu 24-Apr-14 11:28:59

You aren't unreasonable to not want him to have it but you would be unreasonable to try to persuade him not to have it.

cakeymccakington Thu 24-Apr-14 11:31:50

Hadeda, I hear you!
I'm expecting our 4th baby and do is booked in for vasectomy at the end of may.
I feel just like you.

I know that we won't have more children, I know ultimately it's his choice, but I still don't want it done.

I think partly it's that right now we are choosing not to have more kids, once this is done that choice is no longer ours.
A friend said to me, a closed door is fine, but no-one likes the door to be glued shut. And I guess that sums it up for me really. Lack of control, lack of choice

expatinscotland Thu 24-Apr-14 11:34:02

Maybe he sees it as utter control and choice.

His body, his decision.

JimmyCorkhill Thu 24-Apr-14 11:38:20

I think this is a normal response. I really don't think I could ever be pregnant again but I still got the wobbles when DH had the snip. It's all so final. You are essentially closing a door forever and that's frightening. It was absolutely the right thing for us to do but I was much more accepting with the idea of it than the reality!

JimmyCorkhill Thu 24-Apr-14 11:39:01

Ha ha, cross posts on the closed door analogy!

cakeymccakington Thu 24-Apr-14 11:41:14

[Grin]

Weegiemum Thu 24-Apr-14 11:46:09

My dh had a vasectomy just over 10 years ago - I was pg with dd2 (dc3) when it was done. I was very seriously ill in pregnancy and a further pregnancy would have definitely resulted in total kidney failure and could have killed me - thus the surgeon being happy to operate on dh even though I was pregnant. Even if our worst case scenario of her dying had happened, we still wouldn't have wanted to conceive again. She's the most fabulous child, but I couldn't go through that again.

Dh was also sure that even if I died he wouldn't want more dc with anyone else. As I'd got pregnant with a mirena coil, sterilisation was the only option we could consider, and it was a much easier option for dh than me!

MiniatureRailway Thu 24-Apr-14 11:57:00

What complications can there be? DH is thinking about this.

starfishmummy Thu 24-Apr-14 11:57:12

Turn it round. What if you wanted to be sterilised and he said that he didn't want you to be...

You would be saying that it us your right to choose. Just as he is

AreWeThereYeti Thu 24-Apr-14 12:09:30

If you are worried about complications what about considering getting sterilised yourself instead. I had it done, it took eight minutes and I was up and about the same evening. It felt like period pain but I didn't even need painkillers. Obviously, everyone reacts differently but I thought it was great. I liked the fact its effective immediately.

Flexiblefriend Thu 24-Apr-14 12:14:41

YANBU. I was the same. I wanted a second child DH didn't. I agreed with him having it done eventually, but when he actually did I was really upset. It surprised me how I reacted to it. 2 years on, and I think he did the right thing. It would have been a disaster for us to have another child he didn't want. I think you are just going to have to accept his decision unfortunately.

TwoAndTwoEqualsChaos Thu 24-Apr-14 12:30:10

I think it's the finality of it all. DH has recently had it done. We were both fine with it (we have four DCs, I've had three Caesereans and complicated pregnancies, can't use the pill and we both felt it was his turn ...) but we both got the jitters in the week running up to it and really had to talk everything through again. I really feel our family is complete and, actually, took the finality of his decision as a positive comment on his commitment to our relationship.

balenciaga Thu 24-Apr-14 12:34:07

Dh is probably having the snip soon

We have 4 kids between us, 2 together and one each from previous marriages

Despite definitely not wanting anymore I still feel a bit sad about it

But it sounds more than that with you op, I think you want more dc / s

HavantGuard Thu 24-Apr-14 12:39:55

I can understand that you don't want him too and that it feels final. It's totally his decision though and you need to respect that. It's his choice and it's going to happen.

pantsjustpants Thu 24-Apr-14 13:08:16

Dh had the snip a year ago. It was straight forward with no complications.

We have 5 children between us, he has one from a previous relationship, I have two from a previous relationship and we have two together. Having our youngest was hard as I had 3 mc's close together and then pretty fell pregnant straight away. Then I spent most of the time on crutches due to spd.... But even I who definitely didn't want any more children wobbled at the finality of it all. Now, it doesn't cross my mind.

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