To not let my DD have her belly button pierced

(64 Posts)
niceguy2 Thu 24-Apr-14 10:27:34

DD is 17, 18 in 5 months time. Last year she came to me asking if she could have her belly button pierced. I said no. She's already got her ears pierced several times per ear and frankly I hate piercings.

She split up with her boyfriend on Tuesday and today has asked me again. I said no, she can wait til she's 18. DD isn't happy with this. Says her life is so depressing, she's no friends, nothing to look forward to and having her belly button pierced would make her happy. And what does it matter anyway since she'll be 18 in 5 months.

My argument is that she's trying to make herself happy today but it's not addressing the fundamental problem which is that she's unhappy with her own life. She's boxed herself into a corner with her friends. The really good friend who lives next door she rarely sees and only calls when she's bored. As a result friend has grown more distant. She's two 'best friends' who she also rarely sees as one is constantly with her BF and the other rarely comes out anyway. I was sort of hoping they would go to a different college since DD managed to make lots of new friends when she did NCS last year but they've all fallen by the wayside as her two old friends followed her to the same college.

AIBU to say no to her having belly button pierced? I would actually consider giving way if she was happy in herself but right now she's just trying to have a quick fix. And as I've told her, i worry she's treating the symptoms and not the cause. Ie. tomorrow she'll be down again. What will she want piercing then? Her argument is she'll deal with that tomorrow and she just wants to do something today or sit around the house.

So MN'er's. AIBU

PS. Mum is about as useful as a chocolate teapot and would make things worse, so not point in talking to her. She's grown up with me and I'm the primary carer.

Dawndonnaagain Thu 24-Apr-14 10:59:25

I too hate piercings. Ds2 - two nose piercings, four ear piercings, one lip piercing. Dd1 ears - 5, nose 1 collarbone 1. Dd2 ears -6 lip 1.
Dds are 17. Let them get it done now, they'll have removed them by the time they're 25. Don't allow it now, they'll be getting them done at 30! grin

LokiDokey Thu 24-Apr-14 11:02:32

Be proud of the fact she's come to you and asked. She's fed up and wants something to cheer her up and personally I have no issues with piercings.
It's removable when she's had enough.

SaucyJack Thu 24-Apr-14 11:06:24

YABU. IMO you need to respect the fact that your little girl has grown up and these things aren't your decision any more.

Initially, I would have agreed with you
But after reading other posters and your post about her friends, I think you have nothing to loose by letting her do it.

It will give her something nice to focus on.
Yes, the same problems will still be there, but it will give her a little confidence boost, which should help her in how she deals with those problems. Might even help her contact some less close friends, so she can show it off ...

funkybuddah Thu 24-Apr-14 11:27:26

She's 17. Let go off those reins. She can do what she likes.

kali110 Thu 24-Apr-14 11:28:31

My dad finally let me get my lip pierced when id broken up with my bf to cheer me up at 18. It did and gave me a confidence boost also.

AuntieStella Thu 24-Apr-14 11:36:34

Hold your ground.

But negotiate. Is she still at school? If so, how about compromising that she gets it done around the end of term?

I think you are right to dissuade her from piercings as a form of emotional release IYSWIM. Better as a happy event, not a reaction to turmoil.

Could be worse - could have been a hasty decision (and later regretted) tattoo.

DamnBamboo Thu 24-Apr-14 11:53:05

She doesn't actually need your permission.

DamnBamboo Thu 24-Apr-14 11:54:55

And why do you think it's a quick fix and just a distraction if she has already asked you once before?

It's really no way to parent when you going to second-guess everything that might happen and base your decisions on those.

LadyVetinari Thu 24-Apr-14 12:01:59

If it's a "quick fix" that she's obsessing over instead of actually acknowledging the real issues, surely the easiest way to redirect her attention onto what really matters is to allow her to get the piercing and let her realise that she's still unhappy afterwards?

However, I'd show her a few pictures of what happens to navel piercings as a result of pregnancy before she makes up her mind. I know a few people whose piercing sites stayed really distorted even after the skin had shrunk back to pre-pregnancy size, and they all say that they wish they'd waited until after they had children/never got the piercing at all.

Loverdose Thu 24-Apr-14 12:05:34

Eee. I had mine done at 14 with my mother's permission. By 17 I had my tongue pierced, again with my mother's permission.

I don't really see the big deal. If she ends up regretting it she can remove it. It's not as permanent as, say, a tattoo.

I moved out at 17 so I guess my opinion would definitely be it is her body so it's up to her. When I started reading I thought you were going to say she is 13 or something.

YABU. FYI she could get it done without your permission at 16 anyway!

QuacksForDoughnuts Thu 24-Apr-14 12:17:48

Look at it this way - piercings need to be cleaned out a couple of times a day, which forces some sort of self care to take place at times when you wouldn't otherwise feel motivated to do anything. I don't know from your post whether your daughter has full on depression or just normal teen angst, but tbh both can mess with your survival instinct. Having to do something to look after yourself, with a smelly, stingy reminder if you don't do it, is a good way to kick start the process of getting up and doing stuff.

YANBU. If the law says she has to wait until age 18 for a body piercing then it is your business and you are perfectly entitled to say no.

Stupid law that allows you to get married without parental permission at 16 (in Scotland) and go off and die for your country (at 17) but won't let you have a belly button piercing until you're 18 without parental permission. But you don't make the laws and it's not your problem.

Don't give into emotional blackmail. A piercing won't make her happy if other issues in her life are upsetting her.

googoodolly Thu 24-Apr-14 12:26:36

She can get it done regardless of what you say.

There are bigger battles to fight. My parents were firmly against piercings. At eighteen, I had my ears pierced. Since I left home, I've had another thirteen piercings. I'm 25 now and I'm working on getting my triple helix piercing.

My dad loves them now.

leedsgirl231 Thu 24-Apr-14 12:27:44

YABU. she is legally allowed to get piercings without parental consent.
If she wants it because it will make her happy, let her have it. I got a tattoo and I feel 10x more attractive than I ever have done. She can actually do what she wants, and she will do it on the sly. I got the middle of my nose pierced and the top of my ear at 15 and my mum never knew. I felt amazing with my piercings.
let her do it, its her body not yours.

googoodolly Thu 24-Apr-14 12:28:44

Stupid law that allows you to get married without parental permission at 16 (in Scotland) and go off and die for your country (at 17) but won't let you have a belly button piercing until you're 18 without parental permission. But you don't make the laws and it's not your problem.

The law says you can get any piercing under the age of 18 without parental permission except nipples and genitals.

Fleta Thu 24-Apr-14 12:46:05

Nocomet - are you serious? You wouldn't let your daughters in the house with facial piercings?!

Bloody hell. If the worst thing my daughter ever does is get her lip pierced I'll be pretty bloody proud of the job I've done as a parent!

OP - let her get it done. It might make her happy, it might not. It isn't a quick fix but it might help. And if she doesn't like it she can take it out.

Dawndonna - I'm in my thirties and have my tongue pierced grin

Make sure she knows what she'll have to do WRT care of the piercing and that she goes somewhere liscenced and reputable.

If she wants to have it removed what will it look like afterwards?

My DD wants another ear-stud, it's a tiny minor thing and yes, it's her ear.

niceguy2 Thu 24-Apr-14 13:04:02

I've told her she can do it tomorrow. That way she's got a little longer to look forward to it. Besides she's not got enough time anymore today to go since she needs to babysit for me in an hour.

I've told her I hate them but I respect the fact it's her choice and also the fact she's asked me rather than just doing it.

The shop she's going to seems pretty established but I've no idea about what is reputable or not. She says it will cost a tenner. Is that too cheap? I've no clue.

The friends thing is the biggest problem she's got but then you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. If she won't reach out to people and doesn't talk to people who have proven themselves to be a true friend unless she's down in the dumps then it's hard to know how to help.

MammaTJ Thu 24-Apr-14 13:19:12

I let my DD have hers done at 13, chose the place she had it done and went with her and help her hand. So I disagree with you not letting her get it done based on her age.

Having said that, I do agree that she is not in a happy place and is seeing it as a quick fix. That is never going to be good thing.

Ultimately, please let her get it done,so I can remove the splinters from my arse, from sitting on this fence.

Panzee Thu 24-Apr-14 13:21:38

Do people still pierce belly buttons? I thought it was a fashion long since passed.

Youdontneedacriminallawyer Thu 24-Apr-14 13:24:10

I too hate piercings anywhere other than ear lobes, and one per lobe is sufficient.

HOWEVER, it's a piercing, not a tatoo, and therefore not for ever if she does change her mind. It's not somewhere highly visible, where it might affect job prospects etc (some might arge that piercings shouldn't affect prospects, but they do).

So... on balance, with an 18 year old DD I would be inclined to pick my battles, and let her have this one.

thebodydoestricks Thu 24-Apr-14 13:24:58

God grief I am amazed you think she should ask you except out of courtesy.

She's nearly am adult!

My dd had it done at 15.

Far far bigger issues that need serious consideration.

Topaz25 Thu 24-Apr-14 13:33:39

I thought you were going to say she was in her early teens. At her age, all you can do is advise her as she can legally have piercings without parental consent. She is trying to involve you in her life and it is one of those things it's better to be open about or she will just go behind your back. I do regret getting my belly button pierced when I was a teenager because it is an area that is under pressure and prone to infection and rejection but it is her decision. Encourage her to research the procedure and after-care and choose a reputable piercer if she decides to go through with it.

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