To not let my DD have her belly button pierced

(64 Posts)
niceguy2 Thu 24-Apr-14 10:27:34

DD is 17, 18 in 5 months time. Last year she came to me asking if she could have her belly button pierced. I said no. She's already got her ears pierced several times per ear and frankly I hate piercings.

She split up with her boyfriend on Tuesday and today has asked me again. I said no, she can wait til she's 18. DD isn't happy with this. Says her life is so depressing, she's no friends, nothing to look forward to and having her belly button pierced would make her happy. And what does it matter anyway since she'll be 18 in 5 months.

My argument is that she's trying to make herself happy today but it's not addressing the fundamental problem which is that she's unhappy with her own life. She's boxed herself into a corner with her friends. The really good friend who lives next door she rarely sees and only calls when she's bored. As a result friend has grown more distant. She's two 'best friends' who she also rarely sees as one is constantly with her BF and the other rarely comes out anyway. I was sort of hoping they would go to a different college since DD managed to make lots of new friends when she did NCS last year but they've all fallen by the wayside as her two old friends followed her to the same college.

AIBU to say no to her having belly button pierced? I would actually consider giving way if she was happy in herself but right now she's just trying to have a quick fix. And as I've told her, i worry she's treating the symptoms and not the cause. Ie. tomorrow she'll be down again. What will she want piercing then? Her argument is she'll deal with that tomorrow and she just wants to do something today or sit around the house.

So MN'er's. AIBU

PS. Mum is about as useful as a chocolate teapot and would make things worse, so not point in talking to her. She's grown up with me and I'm the primary carer.

whitepuddingsupper Thu 24-Apr-14 10:31:03

I thought you could get piercings at 16 without parental permission? I definitely wasn't 18 when I had it done against my parents' wishes. She will probably get it done anyway, it's not that big a deal and I wish I still had the young flat belly to go with mine, sadly my bikini days are over.

HighwayDragon Thu 24-Apr-14 10:32:33

she's 17? And you've said no? Are you serious?

LyndaCartersBigPants Thu 24-Apr-14 10:33:41

I would stand by your decision and say yes, she can have it done WHEN she is 18, but in the meantime what can you do to help her with everything else.

I know that if she's going to have it done in 5 months anyway, the temptation is to just say get on with it, but I think it's a good thing to have some boundaries and for her to learn that instant gratification isn't always a good thing.

Out of interest did she ask you about having her ears pierced too?

Yep - it's 16 for belly button piercings without parental permission.
She will just have to sign something saying she is over 16.
I had this with my DD.
She had it done at 14 (on the sly) - I took it out.
She had it done again at 15 (on the sly) - I took it out.
Then she had it legally done at 16 (I was with her).
If she is paying for it herself then she doesn't need your permission really.
But very glad she has the respect to ask you.

You need to butt out, it's her body and she's an adult.

It's fine to not like piercings for you but you're not having it.

LyndaCartersBigPants Thu 24-Apr-14 10:35:16

Fwiw, you should be proud of having raised a dd who not only asks, but takes your 'no' for an answer!

Goldendandelion Thu 24-Apr-14 10:35:24

She is 17! I'm surprised she asked your permission tbh.

blackandwhiteandredallover Thu 24-Apr-14 10:35:49

I think you are confusing two issues really. If she wants it done and she is paying for it herself then what is the problem?

squoosh Thu 24-Apr-14 10:36:31

She's 17. She doesn't need your permission.

niceguy2 Thu 24-Apr-14 10:37:00

It's not about the legal side. It's more about respect. I'm really happy she's asked and i've told her that. Like I said, i personally think they're awful and I worry she's doing it for the wrong reason.

If she had come to me when happy and have asked then I'd have probably given her my blessing even though personally I'd still hate it.

But right now I fear she's doing it for the wrong reasons. To make herself happy.....today. Tomorrow she will wake up and she'll still be split up with her boyfriend, still have no useful friends to hang out with and still unwilling to put herself outside her comfort zone and make new friends.

BerniesBurneze Thu 24-Apr-14 10:37:40

Yanbu. Your house your rules and all that.

Goldendandelion Thu 24-Apr-14 10:38:49

So what! Let her be happy today and then help her work on the other things. The two issues are related.

Binkyresurrected Thu 24-Apr-14 10:41:02

She has respect for you, she asked you before doing it.

You need to respect her, she has the right to do what ever she chooses to her body and is at the age to make those decisions independently. If it is a mistake, it is her mistake to make.

YABU.

TattyDevine Thu 24-Apr-14 10:44:21

I would help her address her other issues, which exist whether or not she gets the belly done. Okay so she's trying to make herself happy, she's more likely to realise this by having her belly done and still not being than not being allowed - she will just focus on the belly button until she gets it done then finally realise.

I'd let her get it done and then once that's out the way focus on the real issues - which she may be more willing to address when she realises a belly ring isn't the answer to her problems.

Ploppy16 Thu 24-Apr-14 10:45:58

Can you ask her to wait until she's 18 and help her deal with the more pressing issues right now?
Help her to look for outside interests to keep occupied and meet new people, and offer to pay for her belly button to be done yourself as part of her 18th birthday present.
Would she be willing to try volunteering or look at a new hobby that you could possibly start together?

mindalina Thu 24-Apr-14 10:46:50

I didn't get my lip pierced until I was nineteen because my parents said I couldn't, I never visibly disobeyed my parents while living under their roof, that can't be that weird surely? Anyway OP I see your point but when I did group therapy for pnd and anxiety they made a big deal out of doing things to make yourself feel good and help motivate you, and it does help, so maybe this could be the pick me up your daughter needs? And for what it's worth belly button piercings are often shit, mine never healed up and I got bored of it after a year and took it out, so it might well not last anyway.

Ruushii Thu 24-Apr-14 10:49:04

And what does it matter anyway since she'll be 18 in 5 months

Complete logic fail.

Ploppy16 Thu 24-Apr-14 10:49:21

Btw, you've obviously raised her well, she's asked you and accepted your decision smile
I just feel you could meet her in the middle somewhere.

Shonajay Thu 24-Apr-14 10:55:33

It's not up to you really, at that age. I took my dd to a specialist well known and immaculate place for her tongue piercing when she was 16. My worry was she would do it anyway and get it done somewhere unhygienic and horrible. The deal was if I went with her, and she wasn't allowed to wear the ball at school, just a flat plastic retainer that you can't see really.

She's since gone on to have a few more done, but since she's doing a nursing degree she's really sensible about where, so I trust her judgement. She had a beautiful tattoo of lilies, in black and white for her 18th, very expensive and long waiting list but again, these things are permanent so need to be done by professionals. Oh and she got her nipples done at 19. To look at her she has a dark brown bob, subtle make up and no evidence of anything untoward!

niceguy2 Thu 24-Apr-14 10:55:44

Thanks all. Having seen the replies it's made me less anxious about the belly button piercing but she does need to sort her life out.

She's just so afraid of rejection that she'd rather not ask. So when I suggest she calls/texts/message someone who isn't her best friend to see if they are busy and if they may want to do something she'll run a mile in case they say no.

I guess it's hard when you are a teenage girl.

Cyclebump Thu 24-Apr-14 10:55:46

I was 17 and got mine done even though my parents said no. You are saying no for the right reasons but she may well just get it done any way.

Be proud that you reorganise and care that she's unhappy. I love my parents but they had no idea how miserable I was at that age, despite a lot of the problems being rooted at home.

Shonajay Thu 24-Apr-14 10:58:27

And I don't see how other issues have anything to do with it- when she goes out she wears outrageous wigs, etc and looks mad, wears long doc martens but by god I tell you I'm glad- my neighbours daughter is all clip in extensions, completely orange, drawn on eyebrows and pale pink lipstick with silver knickers and those huge heeled shoes. I'm turning into my mother- always wear shoes you can run in! X

Ploppy16 Thu 24-Apr-14 10:59:07

Could she benefit from some counselling do you think? A trip to the GP? Her self confidence sounds like it's in the pits and she could be suffering from depression.

Nocomet Thu 24-Apr-14 10:59:08

I'm on the fence about naval piercings since only women aged 16~25 should wear a cropped top except on a beach and I don't she the point if your not going to show it off.

If any of my DDs have facial piercings (other than ears) or stretch their ears I'm not having them in my house if they are 16 or 60, facial piercings make me feel physically sick.
(Stupid as I'm a biologist and not normally squeamish, but I cringe even at pretty discreet nose studs).

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