Friend has hurt me and I don't know how to even talk to her

(92 Posts)
Janus Wed 23-Apr-14 16:24:41

This involves probably my closest friend in this area (moved here 6 years ago). Recently I told her something that I had heard but when I told her I expressly said that it shouldn't be repeated as, although I wasn't told not to repeat it, it was 'sensitive'. I only told her, not other people and this is because I totally trusted her but, to be sure, I did said not to tell anyone. Well, she didn't just tell someone, she told the person it was concerning and told that person what had been said and by whom, ie me and another person. I'm sorry this is cryptic but the whole story is very in-depth and complicated. It concerns an affair and the thing she told this woman was about her and her affair and could have been very hurtful for the woman to hear. I contacted the woman and explained everything to her and she said she wasn't actually that bothered by the comment at all, I'm imagining she has better things to worry about right now. BUT I cannot begin to imagine why my friend told this woman the information and why she would drop me in it like that. We had a discussion about this over a series of texts, once she told me what she said I told her I needed time on my own. She has sent me a text to say she 'misses me' but that has been it. I honestly don't know what to say to her. Today was the first time I had to see her as we have children at the same school but I couldn't look at her. I feel so let down. I am a pretty undemanding friend, I think! I find it hugely difficult to ask for help or favours but have spent a lot of time helping her as she does need help with childcare as one child has hospital stays and appointments so I have always been there for her and helped as much as I can. I think the only thing I ask in return is for someone to be a true friend and always 'have your back'. I am devastated to be honest and don't see a way past this. AIBU? Should I be doing something that I'm not? Does anyone have some good advice?

NigellasDealer Wed 23-Apr-14 16:28:25

the only advice i can suggest is to avoid gossiping in future

Canus Wed 23-Apr-14 16:28:57

Youu were gossiping.

Gossip will always be repeated.

You were the architect of your own misfortune, and have no business getting arsey with your friend really.

londonrach Wed 23-Apr-14 16:30:23

Advice next time don't gossip.

HoldOnHoldOnSoldier Wed 23-Apr-14 16:30:37

I agree with above posters, You should not have been gossiping, What kind of friend does that make you?

susiedaisy Wed 23-Apr-14 16:31:35

Op did your friend explain why she repeated the gossip to the other woman and dropped you in it?? Perhaps she had a valid reason for repeating it??

Floggingmolly Wed 23-Apr-14 16:33:16

All I ask in return is for someone to be a true friend and always 'have your back'
That's a bit ironic really; you didn't show any of those qualities yourself when you ran to spread a juicy bit of gossip that you'd been told was sensitive.
Now you know what it feels like when a friend turns on you.

NoTeaForMe Wed 23-Apr-14 16:34:09

You were told something 'sensitive' and should've have repeated it...you then told your friend, now you're cross with your friend for repeating it? What would you be saying if the friend that told you the info was cross with you for passing it on?!

Don't really think you have much of a case here!

Suefla62 Wed 23-Apr-14 16:35:05

You were gossiping, but she's not a true friend to drop you in it. Broken trust is a hard thing to win back. You need to seriously think about your way foreward. Maybe you can still be friends but can you trust her?

Janus Wed 23-Apr-14 16:35:23

I agree, it was gossiping but I was only telling my friend this information to try and get her to see a problem she had from another point of view. I am so not a gossip normally, I have been told very many intimate things by this friend in particular that I have never breathed a word of to anyone. She knows I am a very trustworthy person, honestly I know things about various people that I have never repeated. Just seems to be the one time I do repeat information it gets out, by the one person I thought I could trust.

Thurlow Wed 23-Apr-14 16:35:23

To give you the benefit of the doubt, you did ask her not to tell anyone and she then appears to have spoken to the very person the original information was about. Did she say if she did this deliberately? I would be annoyed if a friend did this, as in they are doing something that would very likely drop you right in it.

But...

You did gossip in the first place. You've lost the moral high ground there.

If it was me, unless I suspected that the friend A told friend B deliberately to get me into trouble, I'd just swallow my pride and ignore it, as you were in the wrong in the first place. And even if she had told the other friend deliberately - well, maybe she was trying to let it be known that you were telling information you shouldn't have?

AbsentFromTheOssuary Wed 23-Apr-14 16:37:02

Two people can keep a secret if one of them is dead <nods sagely>

fromparistoberlin73 Wed 23-Apr-14 16:37:56

you are bad as each other! her sin is she dropped you in it, and your sin is you blabbed someone elses secret

keep your distance for a bit, but I think she did not much different to you TBH...

AdoraBell Wed 23-Apr-14 16:38:12

Friend may have thought telling the other woman would make her aware that people are gossiping and she needs to be more careful who she trusts.

I'm not saying that having an affair is right, btw.

ScarlettDarling Wed 23-Apr-14 16:38:15

No. Yanbu, we all gossip, and u should be able to rely on a trusted friend not to drop u in it. She was well out of line and im not surprised that you feel hurt.

CaptainTripps Wed 23-Apr-14 16:38:42

This happened to me. I was in your shoes. I gossiped. I hang my head in shame for that. It was true gossip but I gossiped to one person I could trust. My friend spilled to the worst possible person.

It took a year to right itself and I had to make a supreme effort. I have now got over it. Things are ok. But it gave me a huge kick up the arse and lessons were learnt as they say!

TartanRug Wed 23-Apr-14 16:40:32

No you shouldn't have told her, particularly as it was sensitive but let's face it, we all talk particularly to our closest friends. My friend told me something she probably shouldnt but it was a situation that she wanted advice on how to help the other person and didnt know how, rather than idle tittle tattle. I don't know the reasons for you telling her but if you don't want something to get out you have to tell NO ONE. I think its clear that you can't trust this woman.

MsBumble Wed 23-Apr-14 16:40:55

I don't get the holier than thou attitude towards gossiping - everyone does it to some degree.

A good friend wouldn't betray your confidence, and a good friend wouldn't land you in it. You've learned the hard way that you can't trust this person. Chalk it down to experience and watch what you say to her or anyone else in future.

Janus Wed 23-Apr-14 16:43:09

Yes she did do it deliberately, she told me so. It didn't 'slip out', she waited for the woman and told her because since I told her the information she has fallen out with the other woman who told me the information so she wanted to drop her in it even though that meant dropping me in it too. She said she was sorry that I felt that she had used me.
OK, so the general consensus is that I shouldn't have told my best friend the information. I can't undo that, I did tell her and she used that information. What do I do now? As I said, I contacted the woman it was regarding and apologise to her for me talking about her and I also said I wasn't judging her and explained why and apologised profusely, she accepted my apology. I have tried to correct that situation and she has been fine with me today. What do I do with the friend though?

merlehaggard Wed 23-Apr-14 16:43:53

To be honest, I can see the OPs point. I guess that most of us gossip from time to time. Some people are close friends who you trust and are loyal to, would never repeat something that they told you, and expect the same in return and others are more acquaintances. If I had been let down by someone I thought I could trust, as I am very non confrontational, I would gradually distance myself from them over time but not fall out.

TartanRug Wed 23-Apr-14 16:44:55

I agree MsBumble there will be lots posting about how they never gossip a word but I reckon most of us need to 'fess up to doing something like this at some point.

daisychain01 Wed 23-Apr-14 16:45:27

Hi Janus, YANBU in feeling let down by your friend, but I would honestly not fall out with your DF over her repeating what you said.

In reality, people are fallible, not least of all about keeping secrets. There is something in human nature where, the minute you say something they feel the need to share. I'm not defending her action, just trying to explain it shouldn't be the only measure of her as a friend.

Neither should you be harsh on yourself about repeating something that you expected her to keep in confidence. You did it in good faith, but probably ill-advised in retrospect.

iME I never repeat anything "in confidence" where the risk of offence or upset is possible, it never ends well.

Main thing is, if you value your relationship with your friend, maybe say you wish she hadnt repeated the information but move forward from it quickly. It shouldnt completely destroy your trust in her, for the reason I gave above.

Fairenuff Wed 23-Apr-14 16:46:29

You are not annoyed that you broke your friend's confidence, you are only annoyed that your friend knows you broke her confidence.

It's a bit like being ok about your own decision until you get caught, then trying to blame someone else.

Therefore, I think YABU.

CaptainTripps Wed 23-Apr-14 16:46:51

In my case I made it very clear how displeased I was. Yeah yeah I had gossiped. But I had trusted her. She killed that.

TartanRug Wed 23-Apr-14 16:47:07

I hate to say it OP but I think it would be a dealbreaker for our friendship OP sad.

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