My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

AIBU?

AIBU to have an "intervention" with DB about his weight?

20 replies

cingolimama · 23/04/2014 16:21

My DB, who's much older than me, is in poor health. Much of that is down to his weight. He is morbidly obese. Somehow he's put on even more weight (I reckon about 3 and a half stone) in the last couple of months, to the point of him bursting out of his clothes.

He's tried countless diets over the years (I've always supported that hugely, sometimes joining him), he loses a bit but then gains it all back. He lives alone (divorced) and comes over to dinner at least twice a week. I've never mentioned his weight, let alone nagged him about it, as I figure he's an adult. However, now it's a health crisis waiting to happen.

My feeling is that he can't do this on his own but needs serious help, either from his doctor/NHS or from support network like Overeaters Anonymous, or some residential fat farm (I know they don't call them that anymore), or something drastic. Unfortunately a gastric band or any kind of surgery would be too risky.

I love my DB, but I don't want to bury him before his time. And on a selfish note, I don't want to be a carer for him after a premature stroke. I want him to recover his health and his body and have a good life.

Any advice about how to approach this, or what not to say/do would be gratefully received.

OP posts:
Report
cingolimama · 23/04/2014 16:22

Sorry people, I meant "intervention". It got gobbled.

OP posts:
Report
SolidGoldBrass · 23/04/2014 16:29

There is nothing you can do to make him stop being fat, and you should not say anything to him unless he asks you for help and advice, which he may not.

Unfortunately, though it's not your fault, by encouraging repeated dieting, you will have made things worse (for yourself, if you did it too.) Stupid fad diets and restrictive short-term eating plans damage the metabolism, often irreversibly, so the person continues to gain weight even when s/he isn't eating much.

The best thing you could do, probably, is to get some decent information about the fact that it's actually not necessarily unhealthy to be fat. But if you love your brother DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES LET HIM ANYWHERE NEAR ANY KIND OF 12-STEP PROGRAMME.

12-step 'anyonymous' programmes are harmful bullshit. They do not work. They are particularly harmful to people with disordered eating.

Report
Fairylea · 23/04/2014 16:33

I wouldn't mention his weight. Trust me if someone is fat generally they know they are (me included) and don't need someone telling them.

How about doing something active with him? Even if it's just a walk somewhere nice regularly? Or may some swimming together if you think he might consider that? Being obese often goes hand in hand with depression, chicken and egg unfortunately so encouraging him to be more active if possible would help with both rather than suggesting more diets.

Report
rookiemater · 23/04/2014 16:36

Read Big Brother by Lionel Shriver, a moving semi autobiographical novel about the same dilemma.

Ultimately there is nothing you can do. You didn't make him obese and you can't stop him being that way. He knows he is overweight or he wouldn't have tried to diet. As for the worry about being his carer if he has a stroke - well firstly there is no law that says that you have to be and secondly whilst it may happen it, it's an odd thing to spend a lot of time worrying about.

Report
cingolimama · 23/04/2014 16:42

Solid, in this instance it is definitely unhealthy for him. I don't encourage or partake in "stupid fad diets" or "short-term eating plans". Why are you anti-12 step? Genuine question.

Fairy, his knees are shot, so a walk isn't on the cards. He wouldn't, in a million years, get in a swimsuit - I've tried. He does go to the gym pretty regularly and he's very strong, but isn't able to do any cardio stuff.

For me, this is just as if a loved one was out of control with drinking or drugs.

OP posts:
Report
cingolimama · 23/04/2014 16:46

Rookie, yes I read that! Great book. I even wrote to Lionel Shriver and she kindly wrote me back.

Don't get your second para. There's no law, of course I could just abandon him. That's always an option. Not.

OP posts:
Report
iliketea · 23/04/2014 16:48

Fwiw, I am officially obese. Granted I haven't put weight on for several years, but if my sibling(s) decided to try and stage an 'intervention' I would be telling them where to go.

I see that you are coming from a place of loving your db, but I would see it as someone who thinks they know better and are superior trying to change me. And I would be putting their life under scrutiny, to see what 'changes' I could suggest to improve whatever is wrong with their life.

Report
cingolimama · 23/04/2014 16:52

iliketea, I get where you're coming from. I would NEVER even consider this if I didn't know this was life or death for my brother.

If someone you loved was slowly committing suicide, through drugs, drink or whatever, would you still not say anything?

OP posts:
Report
Anonynony · 23/04/2014 16:57

Honestly I would definitely tell him your concerns! Why not, he'll know it's for his own good and because you want him around for a long time.

I wish I had nagged my mam more about smoking before she died of lung cancer I really do.

Report
rookiemater · 23/04/2014 17:01

Wow cling you got a letter from Lionel Shriver, that's cool.

I guess what I am trying to say is that there is no rule that he has to live with you if something happens to him health wise, but yes I can see that would be difficult to actually initiate. Have you tried saying to him that you are worried about his health ?

But I guess if you read the book, you know the ultimate answer. You can't fix him and you can't make him want to fix himself. In a way it's no different from alcohol or drugs - I'm not sure that you saying something would make any difference.You could tell him your concern over being his carer but I guess that might push him into a further overeating binge.

Report
daisychain01 · 23/04/2014 17:14

If someone you loved was slowly committing suicide, through drugs, drink or whatever, would you still not say anything

This is a dilemma I have faced all my life, cingo, my DB is exactly in the same situation as your's. I'm really sorry. Several close family lost to me, 6ft under, because they did exactly the above (cigarettes mainly) It still tortures me that they never listened to me when I told them how I felt about them harming themselves.

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do, they just get angry at you, like you're the bad person for interfering and nagging, when actually you love them dearly and hate seeing their life slipping away. It makes you feel so helpless doesnt it. I'd say there is an element of selfish there, but thats a very blinkered view I know, because there could be MH issues at play.

Report
ComposHat · 23/04/2014 17:27

I don't know what you can really do. My inclination if someone staged an intervention would be to tell them to get to fuck and mind their own. I am an adult, I can do what I want with my own body and if that includes abusing it than so be it.

Report
adeucalione · 23/04/2014 17:29

I think of an intervention as being a way to show someone that they are harming themselves, when they didn't previously realise that they were (alcoholics, drug addicts).

But your DB knows that he has a weight problem so I'm not sure what would be gained. I think you run the risk of having him feel very hurt, and withdraw from you.

People don't respond well to being told that they've got a problem - they either don't believe you or believe you, get defensive and hate you for telling them.

I think you need to tread gently, continue offering support and model healthy lifestyle choices on the days he visits you.

Report
BettyOff · 23/04/2014 17:40

If you are going to talk to him encourage him to see his GP for a referral to a bariatric surgeon. They deal with BMIs over 35 & the biggest person to have a gastric bypass in this country had a BMI of 100. They will only operate if someone can prove lifestyle change and some weight loss pre op but knowing someone will help them and they don't have to do it all alone is often enough to prompt someone to do this, assuming he does want to change his weight. As others have said he has to want to do this himself though. Only you know what your relationship with your brother is like. My family would take that kind of conversation ok as we're all very frank with each other but my DHs would be horrified and it would cause a lot of problems. Good luck either way!

Report
SolidGoldBrass · 23/04/2014 17:50

Actually, whining, bleating, preaching, giving out books and leaflets and 'loving concern' don't work when someone has a drink or drug problem, either. You cannot make another person change his/her behaviour against his/her will. End of.

I appreciate that it's upsetting and worrying for you, but your brother's body and health are his concern and his responsibiity.

Report
iklboo · 23/04/2014 17:56

FIL tried this with us - handing us articles he'd cut out of the paper about people who'd died young due to heart attacks. We handed some back about über fit people dying from heart attacks.

It was when WE decided enough was enough that we joined a weight loss group. I have lost just over 5 stone, DH nearly 6.

I think if you try & stage an intervention he won't take any notice. Or he may diet for a few weeks to make you happy then fall back off it again.

Report
TheVioletHour · 23/04/2014 18:37

yabu. He knows he is overweight, has tried dieting on and off, and regularly exercises. So he is clearly aware of the basics, and I don't think there's enough of a chance of your comments making a difference when I presume the medics comments' haven't, to risk the inevitable fallout of an "intervention".

Report
FurryDogMother · 23/04/2014 19:18

I can recommend a book - Gary Taubes 'Why We Get Fat (and what to do about it)'. Yeah, yeah, yet another weight loss book - but the difference is that Taubes explains that it is NOT a character fault that's to blame, it's NOT about being greedy, and it doesn't blame the sufferer. For me, that made all the difference, because once you can stop seeing weight as a moral issue (ie, you are fat, therefore you eat too much, therefore you have no self control and you are a bad bad person), and understand the hormonal triggers etc. that lead to weight gain, it's a lot easier to make the changes that'll lead to weight loss - and it isn't all about self denial and will power, really.

The conclusion of Taubes reasoning is that a low carb diet is the way to go - and I agree (lost 5 stone myself), but no one ever seems to understand that a low carb diet isn't about self denial at ALL - it's more to do with the indulgences that make us happy - you can more or less wallow in food and still lose weight once you understand the science behind fat acquisition and loss.

Don't do the intervention thing - just get him to read the book, if you can (maybe read it yourself first and see what you think?). Every fat person wants to lose weight, but the thought of a 'diet' usually equates to having to suffer hunger and deprivation - which can be difficult when you use food as an emotional crutch and comfort - so difficult that it's easier to just carry on stuffing yourself in a misguided attempt to offset the distress of being overweight. Vicious circle stuff.

Honestly, I have battled with my weight for around 40 years now, and was sick to the back teeth of trying again and again. Separate the biology from the (self) judgemental stuff, and it becomes possible.

Of course there are other ways that work for other people, but speaking as a formerly fat person - this worked for me. Worth a try? Best of luck, and all good wishes to your brother.

Report
cingolimama · 23/04/2014 19:44

Thank you everyone for your responses. Even the most sympathetic and understanding of you are saying don't do it, so I will really have to think about this.

I don't want to alienate him. And of course it is his body to do with what he wants. But this is very very hard to watch.

OP posts:
Report
cingolimama · 23/04/2014 19:49

Furry, thanks for the book recommendation, which I will definitely check out, and for your good wishes. Much appreciated.

OP posts:
Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.