Not RSVPing - rude and annoying!

[DandyDelores]

So, DS's (6yo) birthday party is fast approaching.

Having asked DS (prior to printing out invitations) who he wanted from his class, he named quite a few children. I thought it would be unkind to leave out fewer than half the class and, especially having heard through our nanny (who does drop-offs and pick-ups) that certain children had never been invited to any of the many birthday parties that have been taking place this academic year, decided to invite the whole class. I have also invited his friends (10 in total) from activities he takes part in outside of school, whose parents I am also friends with, and I know that they are able to make it.

Invitations to the class went out over a month ago and his teacher kindly helped me hand out invites to all the children in the class i.e. put them in their book bags. I have had the parents of only 9 classmates RSVP to say that they are coming - complete silence from the remainder. I had considered specifying a deadline for people to RSVP, but thought that might perhaps come across as heavy-handed. I have hired a couple of party entertainers and a large hall so would have more than enough room to fit the whole class plus 10, but I'm certainly not willing to cater for an extra 15+ children (food, drinks, party bags, etc) who may not show up - however, what do I do if they suddenly turn up despite having not RSVPed?! I don't have the parents' personal details so can't contact them other than through the class-teacher/my nanny. FWIW, my nanny has tried to prompt those parents she knows have not RSVPed yet to do so, but still nothing.

WIBU to send notes to those who haven't RSVPed with something along the lines of, "Sorry that you can't make it to DS's party on X date. DS will bring in [a cake/some sweets] on his actual birthday to share with all the kids in the class."? That way, I can go ahead and plan the party with a set idea of numbers. I realise this doesn't remove the risk of certain people just turning up on the day, but I would hope it would significantly reduce it. Short of the idea above and/or having a bouncer-type figure at the door(!), I'm at a loss as to what else to do.

[Musicaltheatremum]

Well you have 2 options. One as you said above or the other is to book for who has replied and when the non replies arrive tell them you thought they weren't coming. But this isn't fair on the children as it isn't their fault their parents are rude.

I would send a note saying if you haven't heard by a certain date you will assume they are not coming.

One suggestion I have seen is to invite them but don't give a venue, just a date and time and tell them to phone you if they want to know where it is. That way people can't turn up and you know how many are coming.

But that's for next year. ????

[iwantavuvezela]

My experience has been that most people invited will arrive, so I would brace yourself!!!! Can you directly ask people at the school gate?

[phantomnamechanger]

musical, thats a great tip, would have saved me lots of silent fuming and sickly sweet smiles at unexpected guests turning up and ruining all my numbers for teams, seating plans etc. Those who do not reply are beyond rude.

this year I had one child, whose mum phoned to accept the invitation the day before (having had it 2 weeks), this was at an activity venue with a meal costing £14 a head , not just a DIY hall do - then did not turn up the next day. I know kids get ill and emergencies happen, but she has given no reason or apology, not a thing a month on. guess who will not be invited next year!

[TreTops]

I have the same problem for my dd's party on Saturday. I haven't heard from about 12 childrens parents. Very annoying

[phantomnamechanger]

why though? why do people feel they do not need to reply? in this day and age when a text or email is so quick to do, it's sooooo rude. does it happen with weddings, anniversaries, christenings etc too?

[Waltermittythesequel]

In my experience you will get a lot just turning up!

I would prepare for that eventuality. I don't even think the PA note will deter them!

[DamnBamboo]

Agree with other posters who said they will just turn up.
I suppose a few extra sandwiches and crisps costs very little and it's not the kids fault their parents are rude/disorganised.. whatever.

I've had one girl show up two years on the trot to my DS party, without her mum ever RSVPing or even responding to a text I sent to her the second year specifically saying 'I've not heard is xxx coming'

There's not a lot you can do about it.

[jenwa]

It is really frustrating. This happened last yr when DD had a joint party. Parents called on the morn one saying his DS was coming and his nan was bringing home, that was ok but we had already sorted party bags etc but did have spare just in case. Another rang saying their DS wanted to come but they didn't know where it was and couldn't get there!
Another said they could come but could their DD's sibling come too which we said yes too thinking maybe they were struggling with child care but then mum, dad and the two children came and dad sat in the corner reading a book

[Musicaltheatremum]

phantom it was a mumsnet tip. Fortunately my kids are 21(help) and 18 now so they organise their own things

[Rosa]

Where we live when its a 'hall party" nobody confirms so you have to guesstimate. I always cater food wise for more - siblings etc . Then party bags I have prepared and when I see how many I actually need any excess stuff gets put in a pignata which is pulled just before the end !!!!
The spare bags are recycled for the next party or used for craft stuff !!!

[80sMum]

at £14 a head for a kids' party! Whatever happened to having a dozen or so friends round for a couple of games of hunt the thimble, pass the parcel etc followed by sausage rolls and birthday cake and a balloon to take home?!

[DandyDelores]

I understand that it's not the children's fault that their parents are rude - if it was only a few that hadn't RSVPed, then fine. But more than 15?!

I really wanted to go with just a few friends, but my "think about the children!" attitude has definitely reduced the chance of this happening next year!

I'm sorely tempted to go with the PA note. That way, it will either prompt them to respond or make them hate me so much, it would cut down on the number of birthday parties I seem to constantly have to ferry DS to!

On a separate note, isn't the content of the note a reasonable assumption to make if you haven't heard from people? I sent out a note along a similar vein to people who hadn't RSVPed to my (first) ridiculously huge wedding several years ago - luckily, none of them were close friends or family (the latter had the decency to tell us if they could make it!).

[NeedAdvice2014]

Did you send the invitations a long time in advance? I find it hard to be sure if it's over a month off, and mean to reply closer to the date but end up forgetting until I see the parent at the gate. I probably drive lots of people mad.

[DamnBamboo]

Even if you send the note, I bet some of them still show up.
It's whether you're prepared to have that conversation on the day with the parent and child (with present in tow) saying, look I'm sorry but you didn't get back to me so you can't come in.

You're tougher than me that's for sure!

[DandyDelores]

I might hire someone else bigger , tougher and scarier to stand at the door and do the hard conversation for me ...

[DamnBamboo]

Love it!
A bouncer at a kids party.
If he/she is big and strong, they they'll surely need feeding too

Still looks like you'll need those extra sandwiches (although perhaps not the party bags )

[DandyDelores]

And yes, invitations were sent a long time in advance as the party is on a bank holiday weekend - I know some families make plans far in advance to go away that weekend, so figured that I ought to get in there early - oh, the irony(!)

[RoganJosh]

We just ask people if they got the invitation (and if so are they able to come as you need to cater appropriately). Could you ask your nanny to do that at drop off or pick up?

[DandyDelores]

Ooh, I know - perhaps send the note but say that the party venue has changed and ask that they ring me to find out where the new venue is ... I'll call all the naicer RSVPing parents in advance to let them know that the venue hasn't changed.

Or am I overthinking this?!

[RoganJosh]

Many people won't reply until a week before, if it's a bank holiday is it in may? I wouldn't worry about non responders quite yet.

[DandyDelores]

My nanny had been doing that (keeping in mind she has to rush off soon after to drop off/pick up another of her charges), and the offending parents have said, oh, we'll text Dandy to let her know if we can make it. Still nothing though!

[Blondeshavemorefun]

Agree it's rude

Love musicals idea about time and place but not venue just like celebs weddings

Do you have a class list? Most schools do

Or ask secretary to email/ring those parents who havnt replied if she won't give you their details due to data protection blah blah blah