Not RSVPing - rude and annoying!

(34 Posts)
DandyDelores Tue 22-Apr-14 20:32:07

So, DS's (6yo) birthday party is fast approaching.

Having asked DS (prior to printing out invitations) who he wanted from his class, he named quite a few children. I thought it would be unkind to leave out fewer than half the class and, especially having heard through our nanny (who does drop-offs and pick-ups) that certain children had never been invited to any of the many birthday parties that have been taking place this academic year, decided to invite the whole class. I have also invited his friends (10 in total) from activities he takes part in outside of school, whose parents I am also friends with, and I know that they are able to make it.

Invitations to the class went out over a month ago and his teacher kindly helped me hand out invites to all the children in the class i.e. put them in their book bags. I have had the parents of only 9 classmates RSVP to say that they are coming - complete silence from the remainder. I had considered specifying a deadline for people to RSVP, but thought that might perhaps come across as heavy-handed. I have hired a couple of party entertainers and a large hall so would have more than enough room to fit the whole class plus 10, but I'm certainly not willing to cater for an extra 15+ children (food, drinks, party bags, etc) who may not show up - however, what do I do if they suddenly turn up despite having not RSVPed?! I don't have the parents' personal details so can't contact them other than through the class-teacher/my nanny. FWIW, my nanny has tried to prompt those parents she knows have not RSVPed yet to do so, but still nothing.

WIBU to send notes to those who haven't RSVPed with something along the lines of, "Sorry that you can't make it to DS's party on X date. DS will bring in [a cake/some sweets] on his actual birthday to share with all the kids in the class."? That way, I can go ahead and plan the party with a set idea of numbers. I realise this doesn't remove the risk of certain people just turning up on the day, but I would hope it would significantly reduce it. Short of the idea above and/or having a bouncer-type figure at the door(!), I'm at a loss as to what else to do.

musicalendorphins2 Wed 23-Apr-14 08:26:40

Yep, better to plan for them and have extra that the other way around. Next year you can do the "contact me for details" tip.

LouSend Wed 23-Apr-14 07:52:17

Fwiw we invited the whole class this year and I did specify an rsvp date - quite heavy handedly, too, as in previous years people just didn't bother.

When the date had come and gone there were still 11 people who hadn't rsvpd.

Over the next few days most of them responded, but not all.

Every single one of them attended the party.

Plan for everyone turning up. But don't do party bags for siblings unless you have agreed to them being there.

uselessidiot Wed 23-Apr-14 07:34:29

YANBU, it's incredibly rude. I've still not really recovered from the embarrassment of people not replying to my wedding and the resultant catering disaster.

HicDraconis Wed 23-Apr-14 03:56:32

You are being lovely to invite the entire class and I agree it's rude not to RSVP. I have a similar issue with DS1's party on Sunday - of the 3 invitees from school, one hasn't replied. Which would be fine except the reason I gave a deadline for RSVP is that we're taking them to the cinema and I need to book tickets tomorrow!

I've bought bits for an extra party bag in case of late reply and there's always too much food, one more or less won't be an issue (make your own pizza tea) but should I book a cinema ticket on the off chance? Or not and then risk upsetting a boy who is only 7 so it's not his fault his parents are flakey. All the others were invited by word of mouth or email, had rapid replies from everyone else bar this one.

Sorry, have hijacked with my own mini rant smile yanbu. & hope your son has a happy birthday & lovely party!

JessieMcJessie Wed 23-Apr-14 01:47:35

In future I'd be very clear about the reason to RSVP i.e. "Please can you text me to let me know that your son/daughter is coming, so that I can make sure we have enough food. If I haven't heard from you by... then I'll assume that he/she can't make it. " It's a bit bonkers to feel that giving a date by which to RSVP is "heavy handed". You can always make it really late, like 2 days before or something.

Blondeshavemorefun Tue 22-Apr-14 23:54:24

Maybe the 'other children' who don't normally get invites don't reliese they have been invited

Are they the ones who havnt replied?

I always go through book bag (I'm a nanny) but bet many parents don't

DandyDelores Tue 22-Apr-14 23:30:00

Well, the actual number is 19 (and I have no idea if they have or will be bringing siblings precisely because they haven't RSVPed).

I'm just annoyed, 'sall. I could have saved myself the hassle by just inviting 10 children from DS's class (my original plan until my nanny told me about the other children who never get to go to parties sad). I know, I'll just blame her instead! grin

Disclaimer - don't mind me, I do love my nanny!

DamnBamboo Tue 22-Apr-14 23:24:02

Seriously dandy overthinking for sure.

We're talking 15 extra kids - that's 8 extra sandwiches, an extra cucumber, another jug of squash and an additional large bag of crisps!

Food sorted.

Party bags can be re-used next year of for younger sibs if they don't get given away.

Blondeshavemorefun Tue 22-Apr-14 23:23:10

Agree it's rude

Love musicals idea about time and place but not venue just like celebs weddings

Do you have a class list? Most schools do

Or ask secretary to email/ring those parents who havnt replied if she won't give you their details due to data protection blah blah blah

DandyDelores Tue 22-Apr-14 23:23:06

My nanny had been doing that (keeping in mind she has to rush off soon after to drop off/pick up another of her charges), and the offending parents have said, oh, we'll text Dandy to let her know if we can make it. Still nothing though!

RoganJosh Tue 22-Apr-14 23:21:41

Many people won't reply until a week before, if it's a bank holiday is it in may? I wouldn't worry about non responders quite yet.

DandyDelores Tue 22-Apr-14 23:20:44

Ooh, I know - perhaps send the note but say that the party venue has changed and ask that they ring me to find out where the new venue is ... I'll call all the naicer RSVPing parents in advance to let them know that the venue hasn't changed.

Or am I overthinking this?!

RoganJosh Tue 22-Apr-14 23:20:10

We just ask people if they got the invitation (and if so are they able to come as you need to cater appropriately). Could you ask your nanny to do that at drop off or pick up?

DandyDelores Tue 22-Apr-14 23:16:33

And yes, invitations were sent a long time in advance as the party is on a bank holiday weekend - I know some families make plans far in advance to go away that weekend, so figured that I ought to get in there early - oh, the irony(!)

DamnBamboo Tue 22-Apr-14 23:15:32

Love it!
A bouncer at a kids party.
If he/she is big and strong, they they'll surely need feeding too

Still looks like you'll need those extra sandwiches (although perhaps not the party bags smile )

DandyDelores Tue 22-Apr-14 23:13:48

I might hire someone else bigger , tougher and scarier to stand at the door and do the hard conversation for me ...

DamnBamboo Tue 22-Apr-14 23:11:13

Even if you send the note, I bet some of them still show up.
It's whether you're prepared to have that conversation on the day with the parent and child (with present in tow) saying, look I'm sorry but you didn't get back to me so you can't come in.

You're tougher than me that's for sure!

NeedAdvice2014 Tue 22-Apr-14 23:06:57

Did you send the invitations a long time in advance? I find it hard to be sure if it's over a month off, and mean to reply closer to the date but end up forgetting until I see the parent at the gate. I probably drive lots of people mad.

DandyDelores Tue 22-Apr-14 23:06:47

I understand that it's not the children's fault that their parents are rude - if it was only a few that hadn't RSVPed, then fine. But more than 15?!

I really wanted to go with just a few friends, but my "think about the children!" attitude has definitely reduced the chance of this happening next year!

I'm sorely tempted to go with the PA note. That way, it will either prompt them to respond or make them hate me so much, it would cut down on the number of birthday parties I seem to constantly have to ferry DS to! grin

On a separate note, isn't the content of the note a reasonable assumption to make if you haven't heard from people? I sent out a note along a similar vein to people who hadn't RSVPed to my (first) ridiculously huge wedding several years ago - luckily, none of them were close friends or family (the latter had the decency to tell us if they could make it!).

80sMum Tue 22-Apr-14 22:06:26

shock at £14 a head for a kids' party! Whatever happened to having a dozen or so friends round for a couple of games of hunt the thimble, pass the parcel etc followed by sausage rolls and birthday cake and a balloon to take home?!

Rosa Tue 22-Apr-14 21:56:50

Where we live when its a 'hall party" nobody confirms so you have to guesstimate. I always cater food wise for more - siblings etc . Then party bags I have prepared and when I see how many I actually need any excess stuff gets put in a pignata which is pulled just before the end !!!!
The spare bags are recycled for the next party or used for craft stuff !!!

fuckwitteryhasform Tue 22-Apr-14 21:56:30

* lost invite not list

Stupid phone

fuckwitteryhasform Tue 22-Apr-14 21:55:56

*there a class email list

* gave not have

fuckwitteryhasform Tue 22-Apr-14 21:55:05

Is their a class email list or class rep who might help you chase up? Don't do the note about cake, it's passive aggressive. Just a chasing note. I think you have invites out too early, people didn't reply straight away as didn't know what doing that far in advance and now they have list invite / forgotten.

Musicaltheatremum Tue 22-Apr-14 21:41:28

phantom it was a mumsnet tip. Fortunately my kids are 21(help) and 18 now so they organise their own things

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