To not bother with the whole school mum expectation?

(139 Posts)
GozzipGirl Tue 22-Apr-14 20:06:19

My dd is starting school soon.

I have read all sorts on here about school gate fall outs / rows / weird play dates and Facebook fall outs between parents confused

When I was younger, I had my friends but my parents never arranged play dates or outings with the other parents. I went to school , mum picked me up and that was that.

I really don't want to get involved in all of the drama. I obviously chat to parents but it's more of hello / goodbye etc . I don't want to be arranging play dates or having kids for tea etc.

Does anyone else just keep themselves to themselves or AIBU to be a miserable sod?

I think it would be quite hard on your DD to never do play dates. You don't have to get involved in the drama.

I say hello to people and chat idly about the kids. But i dont swap numbers, i'm not on facebook and i dont arrange playdates or teatime visits.

Two school mums are more my cup of tea so i make arrangements like going to the park after school one day. I dont get involved in any tit for tat. And i quickly learned the later you can leave it to pick up the less scope there is to get embroiled in any shit.

Having said all that, it pays to be friendly to Everyone as a few times i've been stuck with party invites or my littlest dd was sick and having a few mums who will do a pick up/drop off is invaluable

Jollyphonics Tue 22-Apr-14 20:12:16

If you don't want to make friends with other school mums it's your decision, although I think you will be missing out. The cliques and drama I read about here have never been replicated in my own real life experience. I've met some really nice people at school.

However, I think YABVU to announce, before your DD even starts, that you won't be doing play-dates or having friends round for tea. She'll almost certainly be invited to friends' houses, and will want to invite her friends back. It seems unnecessarily cruel to deny her this, and she's likely to be the only child who doesn't do play-dates.

hotcrosshunny Tue 22-Apr-14 20:14:05

YABU. What about your dd? She might like play dates.

You have to realise surely that MN is not a complete reflection of real life. You never see AIBU to enjoy this play date or love meeting fellow mums etc.

People come on MN to moan and be nosey. Not to share the day to day stuff. So don't let that colour your thinking.

GozzipGirl Tue 22-Apr-14 20:16:15

Why do you think it would be hard on my dd to never do play dates?

Genuine question , not being snipey.

Dd has been attending a nursery since 18 months ild and we've never been invited to a play date etc. She sees her friends at nursery and that's it.

Hang on, your dd hasn't started school yet.

Wait til you start, don't assume anything and don't take what you've read on here as fact.

I've had three boys through primary and secondary and have never seen anh school playground bitching or cliqueyness.

Relax and take each day as they come.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster Tue 22-Apr-14 20:18:35

Good luck on not doing play dates. I get nagged to death by my daughter and have to arrange them just for peace! I have 3 children in school and have never been involved in any kind of drama.

Jollyphonics Tue 22-Apr-14 20:18:35

Also OP, do you work? If so, do you have rock-solid cast-iron child care arrangements? Because if you don't, you will find that having a network of school mum friends can be a life-saver. If you don't work, then what possible reason could you have for not having the time to have kids round for tea now and then?

I'm still baffled at why you wouldn't want your DD to have friends after school. It's not too much of an issue in the first couple of years, because they play with their friends much of the day anyway. But by the time they get to year 3 they're working most of the time, and they really want to have playing time with their friends out of school.

PollyWhittaker Tue 22-Apr-14 20:18:37

I've never seen cliques and quarrels among the parents at my children's school. By the time the children are in Y1 they start wanting to spend time after school and in the holidays with friends so unless she has friends in her street who all play outside together, this means play dates. And as a previous post said, it's handy if you know a couple of local parents well enough to be able to exchange favours like walking children to school when the parents are ill.

hotcrosshunny Tue 22-Apr-14 20:19:10

Play dates happen when they're older rarely at nursery.

Imagine being a little girl and never playing at friends houses or vice versa.

2blackcats2 Tue 22-Apr-14 20:19:12

Gozzip, it's nice for children to play with one another outside school. Didn't you ever have a friend round to play, or go to a friends house after school? Again, that's genuine!

I think limiting a child's social experiences to school and relatives can be limiting for the child, especially as they get older. I think 'play date' is a posh way of saying that a kid is coming round to play!

Sparklingbrook Tue 22-Apr-14 20:20:26

Wait until you meet the Mums. Like minded people tend to gravitate towards each other and you may be surprised to find you meet some nice, normal people.
You will soon sort out who you could be friends with and who you couldn't.

It's good to have a little support network too. People you can ring to pick up your child from school because you are stuck etc. People to text and ask what the homework was or what they need for the trip etc.

jaysaway Tue 22-Apr-14 20:20:27

you dont need to get involved in anything only thing you have in common with these people is you had sex the same year and produced babies grin go to school say hello chat to people drop your child off and go about your day but tbh i never saw it when mine were in primary I don't know who these parents are really I never got into any drama with anybody

Jollyphonics Tue 22-Apr-14 20:20:46

Play dates at nursery are unusual. Play dates at school, especially from about year 2, are common. I suspect you will change your view once your DD starts school.

Mintyy Tue 22-Apr-14 20:21:04

I've read about endless cliques and drama on here but never witnessed it in real life. Perhaps I'm just spectacularly unobservant grin.

Or perhaps there are an awful lot of drama queens out there with not enough going on in their lives who like to make the most out of every titchy incident.

Sparklingbrook Tue 22-Apr-14 20:23:14

Play Dates in reception consisted of taking the child home with me from school and dropping them home about 5.30pm at first.

The sleepovers come a bit later on, which takes a whole new lot of getting used to.

Martorana Tue 22-Apr-14 20:23:31

"I have read all sorts on here about school gate fall outs / rows / weird play dates and Facebook fall outs between parents"

I have read all sorts on here too. But in 14 years I have practically never seen it happen in real life. Some people on here live a very vivid fantasy life.

And it is ridiculous to say that your dd doesn't need to see her friends and go to tea and to play and have friends round to hers- it fun!! And, frankly, it's about her, not you.

My DD is now 8 and play dates, sleepovers and parties are her world. Far more so than they ever were for her two older brothers. I wouldn't want to stop her from doing that just because I didn't get on with her friends' parents.

I find I don't actually spend that much time with the other mums (apart from those who are friends of mine too), most arrangements are made by text and it is just a matter of picking up and collecting. I work FT so don't spend much time at the school gates.

really1234 Tue 22-Apr-14 20:24:32

*I've read about endless cliques and drama on here but never witnessed it in real life. Perhaps I'm just spectacularly unobservant grin.

Or perhaps there are an awful lot of drama queens out there with not enough going on in their lives who like to make the most out of every titchy incident.*

Same here, I think it is probably a mixture of the two. DSs are yr8 and yr5 and whilst there are groups that talk to each other more often than not, I have never noticed any bitchiness. I go in, have a bland chat with most people, have good chats with a couple, come home and get on with life.

It does confuse me how people make such an issue of it all. (I have also heard things said about the playground I frequent but it all passes me by). I am not wildly confident nor am I a wallflower.

Waltonswatcher1 Tue 22-Apr-14 20:24:34

Just spent a lovely afternoon with a mum and her son , we met eight years ago at the school gates .
Op- have you really got so many friends that there's no room for any more ?

GozzipGirl Tue 22-Apr-14 20:24:43

Oh gosh maybe I am letting my own social anxieties interfere blush

I was never really allowed other kids in my house to play but I saw my friends in the holidays. We all lived next to each other so I suppose that helped.

I will definitely heed the advice and will be openly gracious of any invites we receive and maybe make an effort to arrange things as well.

breathes in to a paper bag

really1234 Tue 22-Apr-14 20:25:28

And it is ridiculous to say that your dd doesn't need to see her friends and go to tea and to play and have friends round to hers- it fun!! And, frankly, it's about her, not you.

I would also agree with the above.

really1234 Tue 22-Apr-14 20:26:43

Yes, you really do need to reciprocate invites to play by and large otherwise your child will gradually stop getting the invites as no-one likes hosting all the time.

jaysaway Tue 22-Apr-14 20:26:50

you will be fine you dont need to be friends with your dds friends parents you can be chatty and what not but do what you feel comfortable with , <there there> smile

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now