I've been really unwell recently. Not been at the school gate since January and have been in hospital for major surgery. It's been a very frightening time. Though I'm very fortunate (tumour appears to have been taken out in its own capsule-like enclosure, despite being cancerous and in my spinal canal and sacrum), I was literally scared for my life and there was a very real risk of my not being able to walk again / to be going through chemo and radiotherapy. I'm currently being monitored closely, 17 weeks post diagnosis, 11 weeks post op.
Many life-long friends have not yet visited me - and I've a mind to avoid them. I was absolutely terrified and would've so appreciated their caring visits or calls. Now it feels ... too late. Mums I'd spent the last year and a half charging to on drop offs and pick ups, and who I'd mentioned my diagnosis and forthcoming operation, didn't get in touch. No flowers from the class. Nothing.
Yet, thankfully, some acquaintances have surprised me by coming to the hospital, sitting with me through physio (I had to learn to walk again) and bringing food over for me. I was so moved by their kindness and by the realisation that some people I'd seen every week but not thought of as close friends did more for me than my closest friends.
I'm finding it hard to know how to respond to my 'close friends' now. The ones who called me en route to the shopping centre to 'see how I am' and apologise for not having popped over. They still haven't but, now that the panic is over, they're wanting to come over. I'm not feeling like I want them over but feel bad. However much I understand that some people find 'scary stuff' hard to deal with, I needed them and ... it wasn't that scary (for them).
School drop off tomorrow. I'm finally, sort of able to do the school drop off but am dreading it as I don't know how to be around people I'm used to being friendly with. It all feels sour to me. Very. I don't want to smile and fake it - but neither do I want to say anything. How would you play it?
AIBU?
Friendships turned upside down...
JustWonderingAbout · 22/04/2014 18:59
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