To be so upset with MIL...

(68 Posts)
claphammama Mon 21-Apr-14 22:04:00

I've just had an awful Easter weekend with my MIL and I'm feeling really down. We have a 5 year old boy and a 6 months old baby who hasn't slept through the night even once since he was born. The longest stint we've ever had was 3 hours and, because I breastfeed, all of it is on me, although my DP is great and tries to takes the baby from me in the morning on the weekends so I can have some more time in bed. My family is abroad so we have no help from them and his family, mainly his mum as he is an only child, is 200 miles away. I used to get on really well with her before DS2 was born. Things started going really badly since her visit when I was 8 months pregnant - she came to visit for a week and needed entertainment, looking after and all the royal treatment. Things went worse when she came to visit when DS2 was 10 days old and again stayed for a week. She wouldn't come downstairs until 9 or even 10am, accepted constant offers of coffees, teas, didn't cook us even one meal, refused to change the baby, when asked to do DS1's school run once DP was back at work (school is 7 minutes walk from the house) she said very offended "I will if you tell me too..." So we had no help from her at all, just a guest in the house... it was the same story for Christmas - another week of us cooking, looking after her, taking her out etc... She now came to stay with us for Easter and I mentally prepared myself for getting no help, thinking it was only 4 days so it would be fine, although, after 6 months of no sleep, the exhaustion is really hitting me, all my filters are gone, and I'm hitting some kind of a block... Everything was going really well until Saturday night when we were running around getting the dinner ready, doing everything, her sitting on the sofa and she said "It's so nice to be waited on. A glass of wine in my hand. So nice to be waited on..." I saw red... I didn't say anything but was in a foul mood the entire dinner. She then asked "do you think he may sleep through the night today?" and I snapped saying "he hasn't slept through for 6 months so why would he sleep through today". Yes, my tone was a bit but I didn't say anything else. Not a word. She then got very upset with me and told DP that I was very rude. He took my side on everything so no problem there. We had an awful day and a half of not talking to each other. Am I being petty? Was I that rude and was her comment and her attitude fine? DP is caught in the middle and very upset and it hurts me a lot to see him like this. He's been loyal and supportive the entire time. I just find it so infuriating, strange and upsetting that she wouldn't even help us with anything - won't cook, won't change the baby, she even refused to push the buggy last time. I'm on my own all the time, with two children, including a baby that doesn't sleep and DP who works very long hours and sometimes travels with work. I don't want to be unnecessarily mean but I feel very upset and very angry. Am I just tired and losing all perspective...? I can cope with kids and no help but not with a princess at home to look after too...

foslady Mon 21-Apr-14 22:07:16

YANBU - you're being a saint! Those comments would be enough to tip anyone with 6 months sleep deprivation over the edge

LineRunner Mon 21-Apr-14 22:09:04

Has your DP talked to her about helping or at least not draining you?

I wouldn't have her to stay again for more than two days. She sounds like my mother and that didn't end well.

TwoAndTwoEqualsChaos Mon 21-Apr-14 22:10:26

Ok, so I have four DCs including a teething Baby and have just come back from a w/e with my PiL ......!

I suspect you were rude but, TBH, you sound driven to it and you got there a long time after I would have done. I am surprised she has had repeat visits after being waited on the firat time you had children. You sound shattered and I emthaise madly. Don't fret: at least your DH is onside.

Bitofadilema Mon 21-Apr-14 22:11:41

Agree. You're a saint. I don't know how you've stayed quiet for so long. I have a lovely mil. She would never do this.

I know it's hard as it hurs your dh but she is self adbsorbed and selfish. Is more annoying ad it ruining every special seasonal occassion. I wouldn't invite her the next time and see if that gets the message across.

MorelloKisses Mon 21-Apr-14 22:11:54

You are fab.

I have a 6 month old who doesn't sleep through either and am virtually dead now. Visitors here over Easter weren't nearly as trying as your MIL and I couldn't cope.

MorelloKisses Mon 21-Apr-14 22:12:18

In fact she has just woken up sobbing now...

EverybodysStressyEyed Mon 21-Apr-14 22:13:09

yanbu but I think your DP needs to say something to her

maybe she just really doesn't get that you need help and don't have the energy to wait on her. it may have been obvious to you that her comment led to your bad mood but probably not to her.

It's all very passive aggressive and it will just simmer inside you.

you also need to stop offering hot drinks and stop acting the hostess. if it's lunchtime tell her there's sandwich meat in the fridge and bread on the side. if she wants a tea tell her where the teabags are. look after yourself here - sleep deprivation is terrible (DD has slept through a handful of times and she is 3!)

claphammama Mon 21-Apr-14 22:15:54

Thanks both. Yes, he talked to her about that comment and her attitude, and she responded saying "when you come to my house, I wait on you". It's not quite true and it's very very different right now... as we are in a very particular situation with two children, and a non sleeping baby, and we never stay longer than one night when we go to her. We need support and we are both exhausted. DP is working very long hours and has a very stressful job. He challenged her on these comments and she went all quiet, withdrawing herself and not answering. He also challenged her on the fact that she never even asks me in the morning what kind of night I've had, how I'm feeling etc - complete indifference and lack of empathy. I never raised this topic with him but he noticed himself. I should add that she is like this not just with me but also with him as he's been doing a lot of running and getting up with the baby at 6am every morning.

Realitybitesyourbum Mon 21-Apr-14 22:16:30

Have you actually asked her for help? You don't say if you have, and if not, why not?

wheresthelight Mon 21-Apr-14 22:16:46

You were a bit rude but tbh she deserved it and then some!!

I would have snapped long before now hun so you are being a complete saint to bite your tongue for this long.

I wouldn't invite her again unless it is with the caveat of "you are welcome to visit but we won't be waiting on you and you will be expected to help out with the children" I suspect you will find she is then busy!!

Glad dp is backing you up though!! Give the boy a beer and have a nice non alcoholic schloer xxx

IAmNotAMindReader Mon 21-Apr-14 22:17:10

Don't have her over to stay again. Or if she comes for a visit book her into a hotel or b&b. Then you or your DH can say you're welcome to visit but things are too much for us to handle to be waiting on you hand and foot as well (but a more polite version).
That way she still gets her 5 star treatment and you don't want ot kill her.

Holdthepage Mon 21-Apr-14 22:17:15

Your DH needs to spell it out to her that you are sleep deprived and any future visits from her need to be of the helpful variety. If she wants to be waited on she should book into a hotel.

Don't invite her again until you feel up to it, and make the trips shorter, perhaps 3 or 4 days rather than a week.

And have your DH much more involved in looking after her, cooking, entertaining, etc..

Justnapping Mon 21-Apr-14 22:22:19

You have been a saint up till now! I actually don't get it, why is she even coming to stay?!! She'd be better in a hotel! I hope you get some sleep soon OP

Bitofadilema Mon 21-Apr-14 22:25:46

She knows full well that op needs support. She refused to bring the child to school.

I would say to her one or to nights maximum. Then I would get dh to bring her for a mel or get a takeaway and stop offering tea, wine etc.

I really cannot understand her sitting on her backside when she has two small grandchildren. I'm saying this as someone who normally is in the mils deserve respect camp.

Chippednailvarnish Mon 21-Apr-14 22:29:35

My lovely Pils who live over 100 miles away turned around when DS's was 5 days old (with tea I made them in hand) and said "we've done our parenting, so don't be expecting any help".

We've never asked for anything and as a result I now have a 6 year old who barely recognises them. Now he is older they want to see him but he has no relationship with them. Don't worry OP, she'll reap what she sows. And I promise your baby will sleep through at some point!

claphammama Mon 21-Apr-14 22:32:15

Thanks again for all your lovely comments. Yes, I know I was rude but so much has accumulated over the last few months... too much to mention here.

And yes, we told her to help herself to everything. She likes to have a glass of wine (her first glass of wine) around 5pm. When I had a newborn DP came back from work one day asking her why she didn't help herself as there was a bottle of wine open in the kitchen. She said in a princessy tone "I like to be offered". And yes, we asked her to do things in the past, as mentioned above, DP asked her to take DS1 to school so I could focus on our 2 weeks old baby and save me getting ready for school runs with two on cold, rainy days. She said "I will if you tell me too..." He told her too and she was upset about it for three days, complaining how tired she was because she had to get up early (8am) to take DS1 to school. Three mornings... as I did the pick ups anyway. While we had no sleep at all...

I honestly don't want to come across whiter than white here... but I was getting so upset and confused. I should also add that DP is my second relationship and DS1 is from my first marriage. I had an amazing relationship with my ex PILs for 15 years and they've always been amazingly helpful. We are still good friends and my ex MIL even did shopping for me in my last week of pregnancy because she didn't want me to get tired. So I know how good it can be and this current situation really hurts me even more...

helzapoppin2 Mon 21-Apr-14 22:38:38

It's not reasonable behaviour, when you have two small children to look after, to increase your workload. You behaved very patiently. I don't understand people who behave like that. Nobody would blame you for snapping. Your MIL's behaviour sounds completely insensitive and selfish.

Bitofadilema Mon 21-Apr-14 22:39:06

I think the issue is that she is fully aware about the way she is acting. I would let it go if she was just a bit of a laid back person but she wants the royal treatment.

I am annoyed for you myself.

claphammama Mon 21-Apr-14 22:39:17

and hugs morello - another 6 months old who doesn't sleep... I keep telling myself that nothing is forever! It must be over one day.

and twoandtwo, hope you have a good night with your teething baby. Four kids... respect!

chipped so sad about your PILs... and you are absolutely right, we always reap what we sow. Sad though...

And yes, I'm planning not to visit for a while. I know she will ask as there is a family Christening in May. NO WAY

Chippednailvarnish Mon 21-Apr-14 22:42:05

I won't visit my Pils either and yes it is sad but the way she is behaving is terribly manipulate and you are better off out of it.

whatever5 Mon 21-Apr-14 22:44:06

YANBU. When you have very young children nothing is worse than visitor who expect to be waited on. I think that for the next year or two your DH should say that you are both too tired for visitors..

Inertia Mon 21-Apr-14 22:45:15

Bless you, you must be exhausted.

I wouldn't bother inviting her back for a while - you can't be doing with somebody else to wait on.

exexpat Mon 21-Apr-14 22:45:25

If she likes to be waited on, I would suggest a hotel next time she visits.

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